Pregnant and alone...

[beller]

Hi all,

Well I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months, was using the persona (have done for 7 years), and have found myself pregnant. I am 37 years old, and boyfriend is 42. He did the normal "bloke" thing..."how did that happen" bla bla...and hasnt taken it too well. He would like me to have a termination, I think the relationship is over whatever hapens, as I have seen a side to him I dont really like. I can understand his reaction, as this wasnt planned, but not the way he is with dealing with (walked out the door,and have spoken a few times since). He has a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship,and says he dosnt want to be a dad again. Sooooooo I either have a termination, or go alone. Both scare the pants off me, but I really dont think I can go through with a termination as this stage in my life, but worry what the future holds as a single mother. Any views? Happened to any of you? I am definately pregnant, as i write this, very early ,and im 7 weeks +3 days. Any help, advice would be really appreciated, as I have never felt so alone really. I do have a great family and network of friends, but this would ultimatley be on my own.

well, ultimately the decision is yours
the support of friends and family will go a long way though
sorry you are in this situation
sorry your boyfriend has shrugged off all responsibility

Oh Beller, this must be a really hard time for you. Are you sure your boyfriend isn't just going through a period of shock - that might be why he said those things, not really acceptable but it might be his way of dealing with the surprise.

As far as termination goes it sounds like you are not keen on this idea at all, you need to make sure you do what is right for you and if this is not an option then scrap the hint of an idea from your head because you don't wnat to live with a regrettable decision.

Although you are right that in a sense you will be on your own but it sounds like you have a wondeful family and friends who will no doubt support you - have you told anyone yet? My friend went it alone and she is a great parent, termination was never an option for her and her and her dd of 4yrs old are really happy.

I hope you get things sorted, speak to one of your family/best friend, it might help bring thngs into perspective.

Hi beller,I was 24 and in a similar position, I'm really pleased I have dd (7), you dn't say if you have children but I'm guessing not... Every time I look at dd I think of the father who has shunned her but I'm so proud of her and my efforts to raise her alone.He has had no contact with her and that has been fine with me, even though we spent 3 yrs together until I was 7 months pg and he couldn't cope with it anymore (he wanted me to terminate too).

Its only in the past 2 years she has a father figure in her life and it hasn't affected her one way or the other and she's very accepting of having a dad now.

I don't regret it for a minute no matter how skint and tired I've been in the past! I'm not trying to sway you, and I'm completely pro-choice, but you CAN do it and do it very well. How do you think your family will react? My mum and dad were thrilled and always there for us every step of the way. Good luck with your decision whatever you choose

Well yes he is in shock, as am I. Do I think he will change his mind? Maybe, but do you want to be with someone that feels that "have" to be with you? We are still talking, and he still has his stuff here, but I feel he isnt saying anything or being supportive in case i take that as he will be around. He says he isnt a good dad, and is riddled with guilt that he isnt with his daughter (he does see her). I feel guitly that if i go ahead with the pregnancy, he has to live with the fact that there is part of him walking around against his wishes...but the alternative....?! I have told my sister and my best friends, all have been supportive, one friend thinks i should have a termination and move on...Not that easy though is it! I must admit it has crossed my mind, but only really because of my boyfriends view,and the fact that I will be on my own. I know it happens more and more..and maybe I just need to get my head round it....Thanks for listening...should be a happy time eh? All I have done for 8 days is cry!

i suppose a lot depends on whether this is the last chance saloon, as it were, for a child

he can be involved with the baby , and take on a fatherly role even if you are no longer in a relationship, can't he?

Hi Lizzer,

You put me to shame..you were 24..here i am 37!! My mum died when i was 21, so shes not around, but my dad is...I have 2 sisters and know both would be very supportive..I suppose its just such a shock...you dream about seeing that + on the stick and jumping for joy with your partner...Lifes sometimes not like that though is it.
Im almost certain im going to keep the baby, just wanted some views on people that had done it on their own, and that im not going to fall into some big black void of the unkown.
Thanks again x

thats the other thing..last chance saloon.. I AM 37..I have been married and divorced. I had one miscarriage then,plus was told i may have fertility issues, due to not ovulating properly.
I think I just fell bad, knowing that I would be going ahead with something the father dosnt want? What gives me that right...as much as he dosnt have the right to ask me to terminate? There is no right or wrong here..just different emotions. If I were to terminate,and then never go onto conceive, how would I ever live with myself?!
Hey I think im answering all my own questions here...just good to sound off and here views back x

he might not want to be a dad again, but it is whether you want to be a mother ever?

BTW I don't think it is fair of him to ask you to have a termination. He took part in making the baby, even if it was your call to use protection - every man knows there are risks and you didn't intend to conceive. He isn't being fair.
Once the baby is made it's not for anyone to tell you it shouldn't be there...he put it there after all...abortion carries risks toward fertility in itself. I think you have to figure out if you can love the child, despite the circumstances...that's easier said, I know!!
I was saying the same things about baing fair to the man, etc, and felt terribly guilty that I had the power to keep it - whatever he wanted. But I had never asked for that power and it was a terrible choice to have to make.
I don't think there's a right and wrong in your situation, it's purely your choice and I wish I could be there to help out.

Beller, age is irrelevant, like you say its probably more definitive for you as you have less time to do it 'the proper way' (which, btw, there is none - I'm now pg again with a partner and its not exactly all sunshine and flowers!!)

I'm glad you have decided this pregnancy malarky is for you! I don't care about people saying its 'selfish' to have a child with a man who doesn't want one -I am pleased I have never been in a position to collect any maintenance payments (not that they were offered but I still wouldn't have taken them)
I'm so lucky to have her and he's the loser in this situation as he doesn't realise what a beautiful person he helped create, and I get her ALL!!!!!!!

Keeping posting on here if you need any support, I'm so sorry you have lost your mum but your sisters sound fab!! Good luck

Beller

So sorry... I'm 7 months pg with 2nd much tried for child after 2 ms with my husband who I've been with for 7 years +,

We were delighted to be having another bay, and then at 4 months, he decided he didn't want this any more and left.

Have been through hell, but, wouldn't change a thing with my children and don't regret being pg.

Single motherhood is hard work and I'm slightly terrified, bujt I figure I've been given this challenge for a reason and am going to make the most of it, as hard as I know it'll be at times.

Kids are hard work, but I can honestly say totally worth it, I can't imagine what else I would be doing with my life/energy that woul dbe more worthwhile.

Re your situatiojn, just wanted to add, that I feel your bf had dual responsibility for the contraception, if he really never wanted children again, he oculd have ensured he didn't, so please don't carry that guilt.

The decision is yours, so don't be swayed by worry about him and how it'll will affect him, first and foremost it's about you and your body / life and the baby inside you.

I would defionately seek some advise approach your doctor asap, see if you can get to speak to someone who may help you decide what you want and work through the issues / guilt as soon as you can.

Best wishes, what ever you decide.

Jayney

Thanks everyone..
My doctor has been brilliant, she said its not problem reffering me for a termination, and to be honest I went for the consultation on saturday.I saw a counsellor,and my sort of bf came with me..he came in too.and i think it made it more real to him to see me sat there sobbing trying to come to a decision. I then had the scan to see how far gone i am..to be fair, after seeing the little coffee bean, im almost certain I cannot go thru with the termination. I am also lucky enough to have a counselling service offered to me thru work, completely confidential, so im having 6 face to face counselling sessions, to try and sort through my emotions and thoughts, so I know the decision I choose has been well thought out.
I have a very demanding job, where i start work at 6.30 and finish at 5...so god knows how I will get through that, the only light at the end of the tunnel, is I was going to open a nursery school next year anyway, so maybe this is fate,and the change of lifestyle is a sign?!
I will keep posting on here if you dont mind..it really does help to talk, and to people that dont know either party, so offer unpartial advice and views.
Thanks for your insight into the situation flightattendant, I can only imagine that people int he same situation take comfort in talking to others,and it definately helps me. At times I have felt sooooo alone, even though I have good friends, they are not in this situation xx

hi. i was in similar situation. i was 23 and fell pregnant on the depo injection. my partner and i split due to him cheating a month before i found out. when i told him, he was very nice, but said he didnt want to be a father, ( something we had already discussed when togther so i knew he wasnt pulling a fast one)he asked me to have a termination. i thought about it and decided i couldt. so i moved in with my parents, ( had to give up flat in london where i had lived with him as couldnt afford it on my own) i was honest and told him i was keeping it, and all i asked for was for him to sign the birth certificate. we stayed on a roughly friendly basis over the pregnancy and i brought a house in my parents town. got an old friend of my dads to do the tiling for me on the cheap. well we met after not seeing esch other for years and fell in love. i am now 5 months pregnant with our baby and engaged to be married next year. my dd1's biological dad stuck to his word. he came and held her, and cried and signed the birth certificate and faded into the back ground. he has never asked about her and i have never chased him for money etc. my new partner at the moment is her dada. so for me it all worked out ok. to be honest i am finding things this time round harder having a dp to consider. i liked the fact before it was just down to me what name to give her, find out the sex, how to feed her etc. so there are some bonuses to doing it alone.
sorry it ended up being my life story but wanted to let you know that you can do it if you want to and yes a baby on your own changes your life, but it doesnt have to ruin it.

thanks Amyjo, thats the other thing that scares me...thought of being on my own relationship wise as well...im sure it wouldnt be forever, and i would be pretty busy for a while anyway! Im glad your story has a happy ending xx

well the appt was at 1....we were in there still at 2.30..i had just come out of couselling..and was waiting for the scan, when he said " I might have to go in a minute"...what?!?!?! FA cup final!!!! And he dosnt even support Man u or Chelsea!!!
I think he saw my face and thought better of it, then held my hand and said sorry...Still left me straight after and went to the pub... He is supposed to be coming round tonight or tomorrow. I go away on holiday for 4 days on wednesday with a friend of mine, which has come at a great time.
Thats the other thing.when i told him I was pregnant, he said "this has happend to me twice before"...WHAT?!?!?! Well for someone that dosnt want any more children he isnt doing badly!! I have a feeling im going to go away, feel better about this situation, and come back and tell him to take his stuff from my house... If he wants to give it a go, I think I would try, but im not going to push anything, as im not sure we can come back from this as a couple or not.

hi beller

i can say one thing when you have made a decision what ever you decide this is often very empowering in itselfas you feel you have some control left.

i ahve to admit to being in a not dissimilar situation, a couple of years ago

i have 2dds from my mariage and had only been with dp for about 8 mths (not living together) he also has 2 ds's from his mariage, i got pregnant and he said he would go if i didnt get rid and all the rest of it,said it wasnt the right time he did want a child but not right now. i decided i was going to make my own decision regardless of what he thought and took some time alone(which by the way was the best thing i ever did) i came to the decision, that the right thing to do was to have a termination, because i already had 2 kids without a dad i didnt want another(iwas suffereing mental health probs as well at the time)we split for a few months which was my decision, although he supported me through the termination, there were many things said(alot of friends thought i had been pressured in to it, but i made my mind up) i hated him for a while, but as time passed i realised i had done the right thing, after being apart a few months i decided i still loved him and we got back together, and 6 months later we moved in together, with my girls we then spent the next 18 months doing up the house and planning for number 3, i am now pregnant and he has been brill so far(only 11wks)hes really pleased and seems genuinly ready for it, i believe that we saw different side to each other going through what we did (which was a horrible way to get to know someone) and it changed us as ppl and as a couple, we are not the same people we were when we first met, were so much stronger and stable.

im not saying everything will work out for you because noone knows whats round the corner, but i realised 1 thing about myself through all this and that is that if you cant be true to yourself, and belive in the things you say, you might as well have no opinion and never speak, because the things we say and do show everyone WHO and WHAT we are as a person.

i hope you have the strength and support of others to make the decision thats ULTIMATELY RIGHT FOR YOU

we will still all be here whatever you decide

good luck take care

hi Beller.....sorry you are going through this and I hope that the counselling sessions work for you....i just wanted to share my story.
I found out I was pg a few weeksa after my fiancee called off our wedding. I was gutted, he was gutted, but I was determined that I wasn't going to have a termination (I'd had one years previously as a student and didn't want to put myself through that again). I had a good job and decided that he could be as involved or not as he wanted, but that I was gong ahead with the pregnancy. He wasn't happy about that (he even suggested that he would amputate one of his fingers if I had the termination (not the bit of him I had in mind when he suggested it, I can tell you )) and we didn't speak for several months. We made contact again when I was 6mo pg and he agreed to support the baby financially. We looked at lawyers and in the end came to our own arrangement as we thought that the lawyers fees would be better off spent on our DC. In the end he was actually there for the birth and stayed with me afterwards for a couple of weeks. He fell in love with our DS from the start and visited every four weeks (he lived some 200 miles away), then every three weeks, then every other weekend as DS got older. When DS was 2.5 years old, we decided that we would give our relationship another go and have since married and are expecting our No.2 at the moment.

Now I realise that this sort of happy ending might not happen for everyone, but if anyone had told me when I was pg with DS that we would end up here I wouldn't have believed them..

As for being a single mum...I loved it, and even sold my flat to give myself some capital to be able to stop work for a couple of years so that I could spend time with DS. It isn't easy, and there were times when I felt very low and lonely, but having a child was the most rewarding thing I've ever done and I don't regret it for a moment. DS and I have a very deep bond as a result of it just being the two of us. Of course it helped that my DH was eventually supportive.

Sorry for rambling on a bit, but sometimes I forget about our humble beginnings as a family....I hope that you can resolve this, and bear in mind that no matter how awful things may seem at the moment, people and their outlooks change. The important thing in all of this at the moment is you and whether you have the support that you need to make this decision.

I wish you all the best. xx

Hi Beller. Lots of powerful stories on here that show that although your are ultimatley alone with making the decision you are not alone when it comes to support. I wanted to say that you shouldn't beat yourself up for not being happier about the pregnancies at this point.
Some women find themselves in the lucky position of being undivided happy but many have worries, anxieties be it about copying with another child, having had a miscarriage etc.
It's a tabu topic and therefore not shared often in RL, but you have to deal with the things on your plate right now and not get upset about bot reacting the way society expects from you. I wish you lost of strength.

Hi Beller
I am pregnant and doing it alone if that makes you feel any better, although I planned it. I am 35 and was worried about running out of time.
I don't have any family near me either but having had a termination and regretted it, I would advise you to seek some good counselling about this before you make a decision.
As you are 37, hope you don't mind me asking, but had you not thought of ever having a baby?
If you have a great family then why not consider going for it? Everyone I know that went for a baby against the odds has no regrets.
But whatever, it's your life and i wish you luck in whatever you choose.

Sorry, I neglected to read all the messages.
Ahem x

Sorry, I neglected to read all the messages.
Ahem x

Hi Neuro,
yes i have wondered if i would ever have a baby. I was told when i was married that i would have fertility issues as i dont ovulate properly. Since then i have been diagnosed with pernetious anaemia (SP?!) which can cause fertilty problems. Since having regular b12 jabs, my periods returned to almost normal. My doctor did tell me that after 35 your fertilty nose dives, which I knew, which is why this is such an improtant decision. Its like i would be playing russian roulette with my future chance of a child.
I think im almost 98 pct sure im going to keep little coffee bean, a few days in the sun away from day to day torturing of myself will help me conclude this . I do beat myself up about both options, but when it comes down to it, I think there is really only one I can choose.
Thanks again for sharing all your stories, they really have helped me realise that im not the only one...and dosnt mean the end of life, just the start of a new one!!!
xx

In my opinion - If you think long and hard, it should be your choice what you do, to hell with what everyone else thinks or says.

Maybe selfish - but I made the decision myself with no input from father or any one else that I wanted a baby (I was 18...) and to look back now, I am so happy that I have my darling little giggle baby. I got pregnant in my gap year, and I was very alone.

Looking at my options back then I was sent straight to an EPAU by mistake whilst talking about things with my crap old GP - I had a scan at 5 weeks and was wrongly told that the baby was ectopic and I would be sent straght away for a D and C, which I refused, I discharged myself from the hospital (told nurse was going to the loo, and walked out the door and never looked back)

went to a different hospital a week later (which was very dangerous apparently as if baby had of been ectopic, could have ruptured) but had another transvaginal scan at 6 weeks and saw her little heart beat in the right place, and never looked back.

I am so glad I didn't just go with the flow and did what people told me to do - because now my daughter wouldn't been here, and I wouldn't be the person I am now.

Good Luck with what ever you decide to do, but make the choice for your self.

Being a single mum can be horrible, lonely at times, but having a termination isnt simple either. It can haunt you for years afterwards and you will always say what if...