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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant and alone...

48 replies

beller · 20/05/2007 16:38

Hi all,

Well I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months, was using the persona (have done for 7 years), and have found myself pregnant. I am 37 years old, and boyfriend is 42. He did the normal "bloke" thing..."how did that happen" bla bla...and hasnt taken it too well. He would like me to have a termination, I think the relationship is over whatever hapens, as I have seen a side to him I dont really like. I can understand his reaction, as this wasnt planned, but not the way he is with dealing with (walked out the door,and have spoken a few times since). He has a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship,and says he dosnt want to be a dad again. Sooooooo I either have a termination, or go alone. Both scare the pants off me, but I really dont think I can go through with a termination as this stage in my life, but worry what the future holds as a single mother. Any views? Happened to any of you? I am definately pregnant, as i write this, very early ,and im 7 weeks +3 days. Any help, advice would be really appreciated, as I have never felt so alone really. I do have a great family and network of friends, but this would ultimatley be on my own.

OP posts:

EmilyandLola · 21/05/2007 21:49

and congratulations, look after your self.

Start taking those folic acid's if you haven't already...

Original poster

beller · 22/05/2007 08:23

I have been taking folic acid now for a week, so maybe I made my mind up then ;-)
xx

OP posts:

EmilyandLola · 22/05/2007 08:31

maybe you did...good luck

marieg76 · 22/05/2007 09:41

Hi Beller,

I haven't been in your situation but wanted to wish you well in any decision that you take. You sound almost convinced of keeping the baby and I am sure from the positive stories from other mumsnetters, that life can only get better.

Good luck!

Marie

Neuro · 22/05/2007 11:42

Good luck Beller whatever you choose. Sounds like you might be keeping it...
Whilst totally respecting your decision either way, why not think towards the future when you're old(er) and this funny, cool young person pops round your house with his/her friends and tells you all their latest news and excitements.
I know just from visiting my granny when her childless friends have been there how they have looked on with envy at my granny.
Babies and children keep people young and fresh I think. Maybe not in the beginning!
My mum had two sets of children, 15 years apart and at 60 now she is the most spritely (and more in touch with what is happening in the world) out of all her friends. She's had 4 children to show her the joys of stuff like the internet for instance and I've taken her off to London for fun mum-daughter weekends going to shows and visiting the MAC store and buying lipsticks we'll never need.
One last thing - I am rambling now I know - I def get moments of feeling v apprehensive about being on my own too, but I don't plan on things remaing that way, and my lovely step dad always reassures me and says it'll only add to my attractiveness, so there, he's from a different generation and he thinks this is just a sign of the times and soon it will be quite normal for women to be intentional single parents if there is no other option. Well, it already is happening isn't it?
X
p.s. My mum was also a single parent until I was 13 and i think did a good job despite people looking down at her.

Neuro · 22/05/2007 11:46

Oh and something else too, an advantage of being single is how you'll be able to just stare at and cuddle your new baby without having to consider a man or having to get a sex life back on track. I feel quite relieved about this, but I do know of some very nice husbands where this hasn't been a problem. Still, I'm quite chuffed about having time to get myself back in shape and back to work, after all I'll only have to worry about me and a baby and not a relationship on top of it all.
I am definitely not anti men or anti relationships though!

Bectheneck · 22/05/2007 12:06

Just a quick message as we are off out now and I haven't read the rest of the thread but your situation sounds very similar to the one I found myself in this time last year.

I had my son last December and I can safely say it is the best thing I have ever done! I haven't seen the father since July last year and I wrote and told him about DS a couple of weeks ago (he didn't contact me at all before this). He replied and congratulated me but it's quite clear he wants no contact.

This is fine by me (although part of me wonders how he can not want to be involved especially as he as seen pics!). I have 2 teenage DDs who are v helpful and, quite frankly, I can do without another ex to deal with!

I also agonised over whether I should terminate but I knew that if I did it would be for the wrong reasons i.e all to do with his feelings. My initial feeling when I found out was to be pleased and excited and so I went with that feeling.

It's not easy, but then having children is not easy even with a partner, but in some ways it is less complicated. I do worry about how it will affect DS later on but I will have to deal with that when it happens.

You have to do what feels right for you - your baby will be your child forever but partners come and go. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

beller · 22/05/2007 13:37

well i go away tomorrow for 5 days. Im going to try and take control of the situation, and tell him to come and get his stuff, give me my key back, and we will talk when i get back. His reaction over this is understandable as it is an accident, but the way he has dealt with it, and treated someone he supposedly cared about is not.
Thanks for all your thoughts on this really appreciate it x

OP posts:

DaisysGotABigBump · 22/05/2007 16:00

Good Luck Beller whatever you decide xx

greedygreedyguzzler · 22/05/2007 16:20

i have only read your original post so i dont know what everyone else has said to you, but.........................i always think that now that i have children i am so bowled over by them that if i had had to do it on my own i definately would.
as i am not in the same situation its really hard to say, but just knowing what my life is like WITH them it would definately be something i would be willing to do on my own, cos once you have your baby you aren't on your own anymore, its you and them!

good luck

Original poster

beller · 23/05/2007 07:29

Thanks guys....Off to Dubai tonight with a friend...so hoping 4 days in the sun will clear my head, and stop me feeling like the bottom has fallen out of my world, instead of a gift being given!! I saw the father again last night, he asked me if I knew what I was doing yet. I said no..but what would he do if i kept it. He said he has thought fromt he beginning that I would, so he wouldnt be suprised. Still dosnt want it though,but says he wants to stay friends. So whether that means he would be any part of the childs life or not, I dont know.
Anyway....thanks again x

OP posts:

Original poster

beller · 29/05/2007 08:59

Hy guys,

Well back from Dubai and have definately made my mind up to keep the baby and go it alone. I had a row with the father last night...I had asked him to come round while i was away and take his stuff and leave the key..which he did, along with a note saying "you know how I feel about you bla bla...would like to see you soon, but will leave that up to you"...Well im sure when I tell him im keeping little beany, he wont be so eager. Anyway, I realised some food and alcohol had deplinished since I was away, so text him to ask him if he had stayed. He answered, yes, just slept for a couple of hours and had a couple of drinks while writing you a long letter (!?!??!?!) as im not god at that sort of thing. Well I was really angry, he hasnt bothered to come round apart from twice in over 3 weeks since we found out, but when im away he stays?!?! He said im blowing it out of proportion, and he will pay me the money for food etc...Er missing the point!!! Its not the money..just that fact he was there when I wasnt! Am I being unreasonable?
Anyway, im nearly 9 weeks now, so will hopefully have some happier posts in the future(say hopefully, as not past danger aone yet!), along with some teary ones im sure, just wanted to thank you all for your support, its been a big help, as I havnt told too many people yet.
Thanks again xxxxxxx

OP posts:

agnesnitt · 29/05/2007 11:25

Take care of yourself beller. There's a fair few of us in similar situations, we'll all pull through

Agnes

Neuro · 29/05/2007 13:26

Hi Beller
I'm really pleased for you. Hurray. I am only 10 weeks and having to keep a lid on my excitment, which is almost impossible. But I've still not told many people, only mum & immediate and the baby's father oh and my best friend.
I've seen quite a lot of my girlfriends in the last week and i swear they've done double takes of my chest as its grown quite a lot (yes, busty at last he he!), but neither they nor i have said anything. I had a miscarraige 2 years ago so think they've prob guessed but respecting my privacy.
I have to wait until 15th June for a scan, so despite the big baps and sickness and wanting to just lie on the sofa a lot (tricky when at work), i sort of can't believe it's real until i get the scan.
I have been out walking to some nice places and everything seems to much nicer and wonderful with the possiblity of a little life in my tummy.
As for your ex staying in your flat and eating your food, well, it's bloody rude and i would hate it. It's not his home anymore is it?
Anyway, I won't rant as i need to go out and buy stretchmark oil. My flatmate is a nurse and she said the best one is bio oil and you have to use it straight away. Get it from a health food shop.
x

j20baby · 29/05/2007 13:35

congratulations Beller, i am in a similar position, going it alone, already have a dd(7) and 22 weeks pg, it is very hard, but mumsnet is a great place for support.

i wish you the best of luck

Original poster

beller · 29/05/2007 14:01

cheers guys....
My boobs are huge too....quite like them ;-)
I treated myself to some oil from clarins at the airport on the way home, when thats used up, will try the other one. I bought some cocoa butter stuff,and it stinks!!!!!! Cant use it...so sickly!
Im going to tell my Dad at the weekend, not sure how he is going to take it, as he never even met Gary!! Wish me luck...
Neuro, it was NEVER his home, just stayed quite a bit..so more of a cheek!!!

OP posts:

Neuro · 29/05/2007 14:42

Well Beller if it was never his home then he's got an even bigger cheek.
This weekend I am going to see my father in Scotland. I haven't seen him since I was 20 due to him being such an awful parent, but last year I thought it time to forgive and move on. Plus I'm training to be a counsellor so couldn't have any unaddressed skeletons in my closet. I too will tell him i am pregnant. This will be his first grandchild (fingers crossed) so it's going to be quite a special weekend.
Good luck with your dad! I'm sure he'll be ever so pleased and probably proud that you've made the decision to keep it. Well done!

Original poster

beller · 29/05/2007 15:31

this wil be my dads first grandchild too..im his only child , so im sure he will be supportive. I also want to open a nursey, so he is going to help me with my business plan...and exciting weekend in all!
Good luck with you dad too, neuro, let me know how you got on xx

OP posts:

amexgirl · 01/06/2007 21:59

Congratulations and good luck! Completely irrelevantly, I totally agree with you on the cocoa butter issue - is it the Palmer's stretch mark stuff? - because that smells particularly vile. Although, it might be a first trimester sensitive smell issue!

Original poster

beller · 04/06/2007 08:24

well it wasnt that one..just the normal cocoa butter...but its disgusting....cannot stomach it at all!

OP posts:

DaisysGotSausageFeet · 04/06/2007 08:35

beller.....well done on reaching your decision, I know it can't have been easy. I found out I was pg with DS a week after my fiance decided he couldn't go ahead with the wedding and he wanted us to split. He wasn't pleased at all, and tried to convince me to abort. I couldn't and went ahead. We didn't speak for several months, but he got back in touch when I was six months pg and was there for the birth and stayed fro two weeks afterwards. He turned out to be the best dad in the world, and 2.5 years after DS was born, we got back together and are now married with No. 2 on the way (will be delviered by c-section tomorrow!).

I know that's a bit of a fairy tale ending (the reality of it all has actually been difficult at times) and not everyone gets one, but it just shows that just because he isn't keen now, doesn't mean that he won't come around to the idea, or be a great Dad.

Good Luck fr your future, and I'll keep an eye out for your progress!

By the way, becoming a mum was the best thing I have ever done in my life and in spite of the obvious difficulties, I don't regret going solo for one minute

DaisysGotSausageFeet · 04/06/2007 08:36

Oh, and I used bio-oil this time around and haven't had any more stretch marks and the ones from DS don't look as bad as they did!

Original poster

beller · 04/06/2007 11:09

thanks Daisy!!

I really dont think he will come round...we hadnt been together for long..and I think he has run for the hills....but we will see!
I will use the clarins oil i have bought i think, then try the bio oil...ive heard thats good from a few people now.
Im excited now for the futre,still a bit scared as i will be changing job,home and have little Beany all in one go....im sure it will be fine!!! xx

OP posts:

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