How did your DP react to childbirth!

[ChicaBallerina]

I'm a bit concerned about DP. I'm extremely open minded, think childbirth is a beautiful thing, don't see anything gross about it, and whilst I'm nervous and know it's going to hurt (a lot), I'm looking forward to the experience and delivering my baby.

DP thinks the whole thing is gross, doesn't want to get in the water bath with me (if I do end up having one), doesn't want to look, thinks the whole thing is disgusting and weird etc.

He has one daughter from a previous relationship but this was a c section and he wasn't in the room so no experience of the actual birth.

Is his a normal reaction? How did your DP react to seeing childbirth for the first time?

Ah my DP was the same when we were talking about it - said he’d hold my hand but not look, said he didn’t want to cut the cord, thought it all sounded a bit disgusting!
However when the time came he was amazing - helped me so much through everything and then when I had an emergency c section he peered over the top of the barrier thing as he wanted to see DS come into the world! God knows what he saw them, he did go a bit white but he made it! Now he says it was all a bit much but he’s willing to be there for me again.
As long he’s giving you the support you need I wouldn’t worry.
About getting in the water bath... hmm now not sure I’d want to do that for someone else either!

TBH I didn’t opt for water births as I didn’t want to sit in my own blood/poo etc so I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone else to get in with me. And I’m not particularly squeamish.

I would try not to get too hung about what other people's partners are doing. Mine had no interest in getting into the pool with me - and he was the only guy in our hypnobirthing classes who didn't - but it didn't bother me in the slightest because, to be honest, if the tables were turned I wouldn't have been keen either. It turned out to be a moot point because I ended up being induced and wasn't able to have a water birth anyway.

I think the important thing is that he is supportive of you in the labour and a good advocate for your wants and needs. My DH was present, engaged and did everything he could to look after me during my 46 hours from induction to birth. It didn't matter that he wasn't down the "business end" getting giddy with excitement.

The thing is childbirth is a bit grim. It may well be a beautiful experience because you are bringing a new life into the world but look at it objectively and you are looking at a fuckton of fluids, stretching, tearing and contracting.

If he doesn't want to be in the pool I think you need to respect his wishes - I plan on having a water birth but couldn't imagine anything more annoying than DH being in there with me, and DH is great.

He was really good with ds. I think certain elements of it traumatised him (ended up in a emcs with every alarm in theatre going off) but one of the midwives told me in recovery that "he was a keeper" based on the conversation they had en route to the OR.

Pretty sure he wouldn't have wanted to get in the water bath with me though. He also has no interest in cord cutting. He just wants me and baby (currently 37 weeks) to be safe. He didn't even like it when the Dr asked if he wanted to see the head when they were still hoping ds would get into a better position to be delivered vaginally, not because he was squeamish, but because he felt he shouldn't be looking between my legs...which I felt was slightly hilarious (although that might have be the gas & air).

Thinking it's all gross and being supportive to you aren't necessarily impossible but I'd say the latter is the important thing and if he can do that whilst thinking the former, you're fine. If he can't, then I'd look at finding another birth partner or doing it on your own.

Water baths aren't that big anyway, he might just get in the way

DP saw everything and was urging me on. He was crying when DS was born and wanted to cut the cord :)

That’s simply awful.
My DP was my rock during labour and birth. My waters went on him whilst he was putting down a blanket on the birthing ball, I pooped whilst pushing and he was holding me up, I used him to keep myself stood up as I felt I couldn’t sit or lie down - and straight afterwards he said I was a warrior and he loved me and thought I was amazing... He was covered in various ming!
I’d honestly have words with your OH, I couldn’t imagine having to go through all that for him to turn around and tell me he thought it was disgusting so didn’t want to be there. It’s very inconsiderate

Maybe try to articulate your opinions in a more constructive way.

Ok here's my opinion. Myself and my husband found I was pregnant. As a couple we agreed to continue with the pregnancy and bring a child into the world.
Childbirth is terrifying, painful and in some cases life threatening, I didn't want to go through it much of the time. I spent nights awake worrying about it
If at some point my husband had turned to me and said 'hmm yanno I don't think I want to be involved in that bit because it's a bit gross' my response would have been 'tough shit'
I didn't get to opt out of the bits that were painful or that terrified me, so I would lose all respect for any man who wanted to opt out in case he got 'grossed out'.

@TheBogWitchIsBack exactly this

In all honesty- DH found it very difficult. I had an emergency C-Section at very short notice because the baby wasn't developing. Then I had a haemorrhage in the recovery bay. Just vomited, flooded the bed with blood and passed out in front of him. I was on too much morphine to care but DH found it a very traumatic thing to witness.
So, it can to tough. I will say though that if DH hadn't have been there to alert a nurse I might not be here today. I would definately recommend having a birth partner of some sort to advocate for you.if not DH then someone else that you trust.

So he doesn’t want to be there, and you don’t want him there but you can’t say this?
This is your life fe partner, you need to be able to say important things to him. By the sounds of it he will be relieved anyway.

DH fainted on the floor when DD1 arrived. He was revived by the paediatrician, as DD1 was fine and didn’t need one. DH said it was the crunch of the episiotomy scissors that finished him off, after having to watch me in pain for hours. But he was very supportive with DD2, who nearly died at birth and needed crash team, blue light transfer to teaching hospital and a week in SCBU. I was v glad he was present at both births, and touched that he was so empathetic about my pain.

My DP, was fine throughout the birth. I think he felt at a bit of a loss on what to do, saying that he regularly got me drinks and snacks. I went into a bit of a zone and wasn’t paying too much attention to him. I just remember drinks offered at regular intervals. This was honestly all I needed from him at the time as I was coping. I knew he was there if I needed him. He cut the cord as well.
However if you talk about the birth today he doesn’t enjoy chatting about the details! He definitely found it strange and a bit gory. I personally find the process interesting but can see where he’s coming from. It isn’t something you see everyday. It is bloody and messy. It is strange/hard to watch someone you love in pain and not be able to do anything about it.
For me the main thing was he was there, doing what he could to help. He also knew my wishes regarding the birth, so could advocate if needed.

My DH was great although he isn't squeamish at all. It was me who said to him afew times I didn't want him near the business when the time comes. He agreed to this. However when it came to it when DD was crowning he actually asked me could he watch. By this point I was in full labour and did not care. He said he was amazing watching DD be born.
Hopefully the emotion of it all might change his mind. Although I agree with pp he does sound like a 12 year old boy calling it gross.

I had a water birth 5 weeks ago. There is no way I'd have wanted DH in the water!!! I leaned against the side and he held my hands (from outside the pool) and got me water when I needed it. The pool wasn't that big and logistically don't know how or why he'd have got in it.

He's very squeamish and I was a bit worried in advance but actually he was fine on the day. I went into a different zone though and in the end didn't know or care whether he was there or not.

Mine was great - a godsend when I couldn't stand up with the pain and was swinging off his neck - he watched the whole thing and the MW said she could see the awe on his face

DH was unflappable as always, the laid-back fucker

Mind you, I didn't ask him to get in the pool with me, I think he would have freaked at that.

I pooed in it for a start, and then a (relatively) small amount of blood went a loooooong way, it looked like something out of a horror film.

Also I was naked, this didn't bother me or the MW at all as it was for practical purposes, but if he had got in with me I think that would have been very weird, for all of us

Is this your first pregnancy OP?

Only the "child birth is a beautiful thing" statement worries me a little that you may have expectations that are a little unrealistic.

I had a fairly straightforward birth experience, but I wouldn't describe it as beautiful. It was messy, undignified, very uncomfortable and rather embarrassing at times

Amazing, yes. Beautiful, erm..no.

Thank you for elaborating! I totally get what you’re saying about giving birth being terrifying and laying awake at night - I’m the same. But the post didn’t say anything about her DP not wanting to be there at all.....just that he doesn’t want to look. Never did she mention him opting out - just that he doesn’t want to get in the water bath. Doesn’t mean he’s being blasé about being there as your comment suggests. And it doesn’t mean he’s not going to be supportive.

“DP thinks the whole thing is gross, doesn't want to get in the water bath with me (if I do end up having one), doesn't want to look, thinks the whole thing is disgusting and weird etc”

I’m ok with admitting that I am totally squeamish! Im really struggling to get my head around it all. I’m not going to beat up my hubby if he feels like that too though.

Well childbirth is messy and a bit gross, but if my dh had any issues with it he kept them to himself. I think your fella needs to man up a bit.

My DH isn’t easily rattled and was very calm and supportive - as he said, he wasn’t up the sharp end anyway, he was having his hand broken by me gripping on hard during contractions ! He did wince when I had stitches, though.

my DH is naturally very squeamish and has fainted at the sight of blood previously. He was really great. he helped me with my breathing, made me feel safe and held my leg up at one point.

I have given birth twice and haven't had a look at the sharp end myself so not sure why DH should have too. They offered me a mirror to see the head and I refused.

@Archie1982 I totally get not wanting to look or get in a birthing pool. However I've given birth to 4 children and at no point was my husband ever staring directly into my vagina, thank god! 😬
He really didn't see much apart from the few times the midwife asked if he'd like to see a particular part like the head crowning etc. Even then he had to crane his neck to see.

The comments about it being gross and disgusting I just find so disrespectful considering everything we as women have to go through.

My DH is massively squeamish. Hates blood, faints whenever he has a blood test, feels dizzy if I talk about work (I'm an anaesthetist so most of my day involves blood and/or needles, and quite a bit of labour ward!) I was really worried he would pass out during childbirth, and no amount of "fucking growing up" would cure that. He never expressed that it was "gross" or anything, but it was clear right from the start that he wasn't going to be down at the business end when the baby came out. And that's fine. I've seen enough of them to know that while it's amazing to see a new life come into the world, it is NOT beautiful.

He encouraged me, gave me drinks, mopped my face, held the fan, spoke up for me when the midwives asked questions and I was off my tits on gas & air. He didn't watch DS coming out, and told them in advance that he didn't want to cut the cord, but he joined in cuddles straight away and then took over doing skin-to-skin while I got sutured. Thankfully I didn't need to go to theatre, but even if I had I think he'd have known his limits, stayed at my head end and looked after me, and would have known if he was feeling too queasy and needed to get out.

So it's perfectly possible to be a supportive partner without looking down the bottom end, but dismissing the whole thing as gross is pretty immature.

DH was terrified, but totally in awe when I gave birth to DS1 but anyone looking at photos would think he had just given birth, he looked completely exhausted 😂