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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Well that didn't go well - announced pregnancy to my mum

32 replies

marie201 · 09/05/2018 17:53

Bit of background about us.

We have been together for 16 years. We have 4 children together aged 15, 13, 7 & 4 (well nearly he's a May baby). We have our own business so are financially OK, rent our 3 bedroomed house but have done a loft conversion to make it into a 4 bed. We converted the loft after having baby 4 as my brother was living with us (he lived with us for 7 years in total)

Me and our girls (13 & 8) were at the Ariana concert and saw a lot and it took me until last month for the 13 yo to get some counselling & we had to pay privately for the 7 yo as CAHM's won't accept her until she's 8 which is this August. (there is a reason I've mentioned this)

We found out about 6 weeks ago that I was pregnant with baby no. 5 and to say it was unexpected was an understatement. I was VERY unsure about having a 5th but after ringing up to book a termination I just couldn't do it so I bit the bullet and told my mum that I was pregnant with what will be baby no. 5. I thought that I'd tell her first as we have been really close over the last couple of years.

She was NOT impressed. I'm stupid, should be ashamed of myself & emotionally unbalanced (Manchester related) and it's too soon after Manchester for me to be making any life changing decisions.

This was 2 weeks ago. We haven't spoke since so I messaged her last week to just say 'Hi' and she wrote back saying 'I haven't been in touch because I'm totally devastated by your "news" ' so I just said fine and haven't bothered since and then last night she messaged saying 'Does Kevin or anyone else know ?' to which I replied saying Kev (my brother) does but haven't told anyone else until we have the scan and I have had no reply.

I know that everyone will have their own opinions & I know that what other people think doesn't matter but it has both upset me & annoyed me at her reaction.

We don't EVER ask to borrow money, we don't hassle people to babysit & have 1 weekend a year at the most without the kids & our kids are good kids - rarely in trouble (other than normal teenage stuff). We are not reliant on anyone or support from anyone.

My mum only has 1 child at a time & we are lucky if they sleep twice a year (I mean 2 sleeps between the 4 not 2 sleeps each so 8 sleeps a year). She doesn't have them for tea, she doesn't bother, really, being involved saying that we have too many kids to share her time with (she is 53 & works 20 hours a week & lives by herself!). She wasn't a great mum as she suffers with her mental health so she just used to stay in bed or was abusive hence why I was sooooooo annoyed when she said that I was emotionally unbalanced because of Manchester! (What she means is that I still feel guilty about putting the girls in that situation & having the odd cry when certain songs come on NOT that I'm suffering from depression, nor am I hiding myself away, nor am I having panic attacks or anything that would be an 'extreme' reaction but rather quite normal, mild issues TBH)

Not sure why I'm posting TBF - just hoping that the rest of my family kind of say their piece and get over it as I think I'm pretty positive that we made the right decision not to terminate.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LastOneDancing · 09/05/2018 17:58

OP I have no advice, but you & your immediate family sound lovely

Wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy.

Nichola2310 · 09/05/2018 18:01

When my sister announced she was expecting her 4th I was thrilled and my mum was annoyed. Her reason for being annoyed was that my sister had enough on her plate, and in her view it wasn’t a good time to be having a 4th. My reason for being thrilled was I love babies and it’s not my business or concern as to the practicalities. My point is I think mothers just worry, and sometimes that can come across in a very hurtful way. Of course my mother has adored the 4th child from day 1.

Yogagirl123 · 09/05/2018 18:03

Congrats OP, sorry that you mum has taken your exciting news badly. It’s honestly no one else’s business. A new baby is fabulous and will fit right in with your family I am sure, sometimes things are meant to be. (Flowers)

MrsMozart · 09/05/2018 18:04

Your baby. Your family. Your choice.

Your mum is (probably) never going to be how you want her to be. Time to just enjoy what you have lass.

BodgingThisMumThing · 09/05/2018 18:08

Life can’t stop because of Manchester, and it’s a big fuck you to those that did it.
You are moving on, and I’m sure number 5 will be an amazing addition to your family after you have been through so much.

Original poster

marie201 · 09/05/2018 18:11

Thank you - I hope that you are correct. TBF she's not been happy every time I've told her I was pregnant & she demanded that I had a termination with the eldest & now he's her 'favourite' and denies that she ever said that!

OP posts:

Prestonsflowers · 09/05/2018 18:15

Many congratulations to you and your family.
It’s your life not your Mums.
💐💐

Pippylou · 09/05/2018 18:17

Baby will bring joy with them, don't worry about others, you know what you're doing and you'll be fine.

ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 09/05/2018 18:21

Congratulations. I can imagine how upsetting your mums response must be. As long as you can support your family yourself and provide a safe & loving home for them, it's no-one else's business how many children you have. Maybe as an earlier poster said, your mum is just worried about how much you have on your plate already. Hopefully your other family and friends will be more supportive

Perfectly1mperfect · 09/05/2018 18:26

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your mum doesn't sound a very nice person. It's really not her business to have such an opinion on and to say she is devastated by your news, well, what a drama queen. By the sound of it she has minimal involvement with your children so it's not really going to affect her at all. She also has a 'favourite' grandchild which is horrible.

I would just ignore her and enjoy your family.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/05/2018 18:30

Besides the point but - you rent, but did a loft conversion? Eh?

Congratulations on your pregnancy and give your mother time. Don’t chase her - hopefully she will calm down and return eventually with apologies.

FranticallyPeaceful · 09/05/2018 18:31

It’s absolutely nothing to do with your mum, therefore ignore her. Cut contact until she comes around to her senses.

I know a few people who were in Manchester during that time and guilt is absolutely bottom of the list of emotions you should be feeling at this point - you may need a new therapist! You took them out for a concert and a bad thing happened, it’s awful, but obviously not your fault.

I hope you recover quickly and I hope you ignore your ignorant mother

Summertime45 · 09/05/2018 18:47

I think your mum is just worry; probably because she feels she wasn't a great mum herself; perhaps not the way to react though.

Enjoy your pregnancy.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 09/05/2018 21:17

Lord I totally understand why you are upset.

At 13yo I was told I couldn't have children. Oh. Okay then. Life goes on. Over the years my relationship with my mum became more distant but we still spoke regularly. At 29yo I fell pregnant . After the initial shock wore off I phoned my mum to tell her. Her reply, without hesitation was "Are you keeping it?". "Oh you are keeping it? Oh. I can't really imagine you as a mother". She didn't say a single positive thing until baby was born.

I will never forget that phone call. I will never forget the gut punching disappointment that her attitude gave me.

Second time round "are you sure it's not the menopause?" I was only 34!

I'm very low contact now. She has no relationship with my children. Apparently she can't understand why I don't call her more often...

Bluebirdsky · 09/05/2018 21:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy

It's possible that your Mum is subconsciously a bit jealous that you appear to have made a massive success of being a Mum and have a lovely family which will soon expand and from what you say she didn't have the same experience with her own parenting.

I am sure she will calm down and get used to the idea if you still want to maintain a relationship.

Mrsramsayscat · 09/05/2018 22:22

Congratulations.

She doesn't sound nice and it isn't her business. I have a large family, and DH and I both worked to pay for them. But it amazed me how many negative comments I got. God knows why people feel so entitled. You might get more if that, though I think it calms down after the birth.

jamoncrumpets · 09/05/2018 23:00

Narcissistic parents hate it when their kids have kids of their own kids because they see it as a loss of control. I suspect your DM is feeling similar.

somersetsoul · 10/05/2018 07:11

Congratulations 💐 This might be a good thing for your girls to focus on something exciting now and to start putting the past in the past.

As for your mum, give her time and space. Once she sees how happy and excited you all when you announce it she'll come round x

GottaBeStrong · 10/05/2018 16:10

What your mum thinks is really neither here nor there - it's your family and you aren't relying on her for childcare or money. I think if it were me I'd just ignore her back until she decided to come to her senses. She's trying to control you and I wouldn't like that.

Branleuse · 10/05/2018 16:23

She has no right to speak to you or treat you like that. You sound lovely and im sure you will make it work

hampsteadholly · 10/05/2018 16:48

That's so disappointing for you. Congratulations on the baby

Almondsupreme · 10/05/2018 16:50

Aw congratulations!!!
Sorry about your mum's reaction.

Mousefunky · 10/05/2018 18:59

Honestly I think your mum is just worried about you. Mothers never stop worrying whether their ‘child’ is five or fifty five. It’s one of those natural things. She probably thinks you have enough going on without adding a baby in the mix too.

Original poster

marie201 · 11/05/2018 00:15

Thanks ladies.

I hope that the comments saying that she's just worried about me are correct as, even though history show otherwise, she seems to think that I take after her however, thankfully, I take after my dad and I am not the emotionally incapable person that she is. Unfortunately she has always been allowed to behave in this manner (her sister does a lot for her - just silly things like ringing '3' as she has a problem with her bill as she was stressing out about it for over 3 weeks & couldn't sleep because of the 'stress' (how ridiculous!) but wouldn't actually ring them! or changing her gas over & taking her shopping etc . . . it's not that she is incapable but rather she just doesn't as someone else will always sort stuff for her and she is only in her early 50's and is tech savvy).

If she doesn't want contact atm then that's fine & I won't attempt it again as I'm not going to apologise & nor am I in the wrong - we are both adults & we both chose to continue with the pregnancy. I'm sure that she'll eventually accept it as she has no choice but I think that she has damaged our relationship substantially this time and it took a long time for us to have a decent relationship as it was due to past history of her unreasonable behaviour like kicking me out 2 days after my 16th & wouldn't let me back in the house just to get my clothes & I had no where to go nor any money.

We have our dating scan tomorrow so I will start telling people afterwards so fingers crossed they don't react in such a manner - I expect 'negative' comments, obviously, as everyone has an opinion when you have a large family.

OP posts:

Ivegotfamilyandidrinkcupsoftea · 11/05/2018 06:40

I think. As you already said its probably about it being number 5 more than manchester.

How many dc does your mother have?

Alot of people dont 'get' why anyone would have more than 2 dc

We have 4 and experienced more negativity having dc4 at 28, than having dc1 at 18 when i still lived with parents and had known dp just 12 months

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