Wife's Behavior Through Pregnancy

[Mrlittleconfused]

Hi All,

This is my first ever post so be gentle! I am a soon to be Dad! Me and my wife are now 23 weeks through our first ever pregnancy. I'm an academic so I've done my fair share of reading on the matter, however some of the behavioral changes i am noticing in my partner are putting some real stress on our relationship.

About her:

She fiery but gentle, loves animals and has a soft yet firm personality! We are finding the longer we're together, we're more water tight than we realizes. However, she's started taking things (jokes, comments, etc) really seriously. She begins to over think things a lot. There have been points where i have cried, she has and together. At times she has also contemplated leaving. I'm not sure if this is down to the pregnancy. Is this common, has anyone else been through or experienced this too?

I'm in need of some reassurance and understanding. I talk to my wife openly all the time but i am fully aware that her body and mind is changing the further we get down the line of seeing our first born.

A quick example of something that happened just the other day. We had a family get together and the weather is great. Sounds ideal for a BBQ. We gather round my grans with sisters, and some of our cousins. The whole day is bliss. We get towards the end of the day where everyone's begins to throw away their litter, tidying up slightly, ready to leave.

My sister is known to take things personally wherever she is. Therefore she made some comments about everyone tidying up after themselves. This is all said in general so no one in specific. My wife seems to take some of those comments on board and then takes them personally. Other things are said about being careful about taking painkillers etc whilst pregnant (more direct at my wife with good intentions). She takes the tidying up with my sister and has a full blown row calling her bitchy and cocky etc.]

So my sister is now upset and my wife is in a mood. We then try talk at home but shes not having it. In a strop, she takes out the painkillers comment and reckon that everyone making comments about her trying to drug our baby...

The present day:

She's still moody and in a strop even with me. We've tried to talk and I've tried to calm things down and tried to get her to look at things for what they are. But no so much look. The atmosphere among the family as a whole is quite hostile. Seems like no ones really talking to no one. Everyone's keeping out of each others way. Its quite the apposite as were all massive family oriented individuals.

My mother doesn't help as shes always trying to but some distance between us. Ideally she doesn't try to help rather likes to stand by and watch the show...

I just need some guidance on this guys. Any help, advise, guidance would be hugely appreciated. Any questions fire away. I look forward to your comments and to posting some updates and news when the little ones here!

Your sister shouldn't be making and judgemental comments about medication. If your wife needs medication then she needs it, and she is right that someone telling her she shouldn't is interfering and bitchy. Your sister needs to apologise.
Just because she is having a baby doesn't mean random family members have any right to start questioning her personal medical choices.

WRT the arguing and being emotional, that's normal during pregnancy. Partly worsened by hormone changes and partly due to the physical strain and exhaustion of pregnancy.

Maybe stop making comments and 'jokes' and intervene when your sister is overstepping the line.

Interfering or judgemental family members won't end well once the baby is here so its best if you start setting some boundaries of what is appropriate and what is rude now before it changes into comments about your wife's parenting and the baby.

It sounds like your wife wants you to act a bit more sensible in the lead up to the baby arriving too, so maybe think before making comments and jokes (which sounds like its probably at her expense rather than genuine jokes from her reaction).

Thanks for your comment :). The medication comment was a slight pains. More on what is safe to take whilst expecting I guess as apposed to saying what you can and cant take.

I think what i should have explained better is that my partner seems to take on comments and jokes totally unrelated to her or our pregnancy together. It seems more like she thinks its targeted at her when it isnt..

I totally take on board stepping up and setting some boundaries. So glad that some of your comments make me feel a lot more at ease.

Thanks

What they said. This isn’t an academic paper. It’s real life. She probably feels utterly shit and has done for months. As a baby vessel, most people stop thinking of you as a person and just see you a walking womb - it’s actually fairly dehumanizing for something that’s actually about new life.
Presumably to date she has been a successful individual in her own right. Now she is realizing that quite literally, her life will never be the same again. Yours won’t cgange that much - you can still disappear off to work and expend your energy on whatever you want to. Having a baby is the single most life changing event of any woman’s life, and it’s at that point you realize that all the things you assumed about equality were in fact utter bullshit.
Hormones, lack of sleep, generally feeling awful, and knowing there is no end in sight are all good trigger points for anger, frustration and emotions all over the walls.
She’s trapped now. Cut her some slack while she deals with the enormity of it all.
(I know that all sounds overblown and ridiculous. People have babies all the time. But she doesn’t.)

I'm 10 weeks gone and very few people know but already I feel like I've become everyone else's property. Everyone knows best. Everyone has their advice and as well meaning as it is it winds me up.

An awful lot of people seem to have an opinion on everything when you pregnant and the comments, whether direct or indirect, can get very annoying. I am also 23 weeks pregnant with my first and there have been plenty of times where people have annoyed me. I haven't snapped or reacted yet but I can see how easy it would be to do so.

Cut your wife a bit of slack - she is going through some huge changes right now and her hormones are going to be a little all over the place. Make sure she knows she has you for support - you don't want her to feel like you are criticising/judging her as well.

Your not 23 weeks pregnant, she is.

How long have you been together?

It could be a case that the hunny moon period is over and your now seeing the real her.

It could be pregnancy hormones making her over sensitive which is why she's over reacting to things. Your sisters comment was judgemental but having a screaming match and calling her a bitch is an ott reaction.

It could be she's stressed/worried about becoming a first time mum and that's why she's on edge.

It's hard to say op. The best thing you can do is have a full and frank conversation with her about it. Does she think she's changed? Is there something worrying her? Try to get to the bottom of it.

While pregnancy hormones do make you sensitive, cranky AT TIMES.. They don't completely change your personality. There's something else going on here.

Mate, your not pregnant, she is. Her, not you. Support her don't nit pick if she isn't wifing correctly.

Yeah honestly the sly little digs and "general" discussions about what is and isn't recommended during pregnancy (all with faux little head tilts) are really fucking annoying. Everyone has an opinion, a judgement, on what you're doing.

Did you honestly try and get her to "see things for what they were"? Otherwise known as invalidating her feelings...

Mate....just be on her side, okay?! Back her up, intervene when someone says something annoying, reassure her you are an adult and can carry the load while she is exhausted growing a person. She is the human being doing all the work at growing another human being you are on the side lines and need to step up. Stepping up is not declaring the pregnancy as your pregnancy because you my good sir are not pregnant.

And for heaven's sake don't try to talk her round or invalidate her in anyway.

Ish tsk tsk.

Your mum sounds like she's got the right idea by not getting involved.

Are you helping your wife in a practical way or just reading books about it all (I say this as you said you were an academic ) ?

Make sure you're helping her with what she needs, like doing your fair share of domestic tasks, getting baby stuff organised etc.

Perhaps spending less time with the extended family and more doing nice things for the two of you before the baby arrives.
Your worlds are about to be turned upside down. She'll be very aware of this.

Make sure she knows you appreciate everything she is going through in order to create your family.

Frankly your sister sounds like a right pain, and she would have got right up my nose too with her passive aggressive crap. She was over the line with those medication comments.

Maybe your wife is feeling sensitive and hormonal, very likely in pregnancy, or as a PP said maybe she's actually not a very nice person and you're finally seeing it. But more likely the former. Back your wife up, tell your sister politely where to stick it, and ride it out.

Pregnant women are bombarded by 'well-intentioned' yet totally unwanted and unsolicited advice. It can amount to what are called micro-aggressions which really undermine confidence and self esteem (Here's a recent BBC article on the subject: www.bbc.com/capital/story/20180406-the-tiny-ways-youre-offensive---and-you-dont-even-know-it).

On top of this at 23 weeks a lot is going on for your wife, emotionally and physically. I'm at the same point and a FTM and there's a lot of pain, discomfort and anxiety. In this scenario you really need to advocate for your wife and step in when your family are over-the-line. Whether your sister meant well or not, what she did and said were unthinking and upsetting and your wife is totally entitled to be upset. Accept that. Get your family to accept that. If possible get your sister to apologise - A real apology, no buts, no excuses. Just 'sorry, I wasn't thinking I shouldn't have said that and upset you.'

The next few months are going to be hard. Support your wife and look out for her.

Me and my wife are now 23 weeks through our first ever pregnancy

First, you are not 23 weeks pregnant, she is.

Second, what you need during pregnancy is people who actually fucking help and support you. Reading books and telling her what she should and shouldn't be doing isn't help or support, however well meaning.

For reference 'help and support' = identifying that something needs doing, doing it without asking for her input, then not expecting a pat on the head for having done it. This includes both emotional and practical things.

The couple of times I've lost it with DH during pregnancy has been nothing to do with hormones it's been entirely related to the above. You need to be doing more than 50% of the day to day doing and thinking if you're not then that likely accounts for her sense of humour failure. From my experience hormones haven't really come into it, the difficulties of pregnancy is the tiredness, the constant overhinking of everything pregnancy related, work related, home related, family related, worrying about what's happening now, what might happen in the future etc etc and (the further along you get) the relentless shuffling about and kicking from what feels like housing a ferret on crack in your torso and it slowly just ramps up week by week, as a woman you don't get 5 mins peace from it. As a man you do, (hence, you are not 23 weeks pregnant) you need to up your game and start working as a team again.

I'm 18 weeks and currently hate my dp and his family. I used to love them all!

I'm hoping its hormones... The best thing you can do, give her some space. She'll come to you if she needs you. I'd forget about the painkiller comment. Everyone knows everything when you're pregnant, its not helpful but you do have to ignore a lot of idiots!

Your poor wife. She is growing your child, and going through huge physical, hormonal and emotional changes. Sounds like your sister was being bloody annoying, well-intentioned or not. You need to stick up for your wife in future and cut her some slack if she's a bit more touchy these days.

She is 23 weeks pregnant, not you. I can't stand all this 'we are pregnant' business. Unless you too have a uterus then you are most definitely not pregnant.

You sound quite young. And a bit patronising. Be supportive, be mature and don't try say you are academic to make us think you're not being a bit of a prat.

Jesus. Poor woman is pregnant in this heat, probably knackered and is getting digs about paracetamol, and you’re reacting with logical lecturing to an emotional situation.

Yeah I’ve read that paper.

If you’re not a unit, backing up your wife, standing up for her against petty family members and sly digs, you’re doomed. The ‘touchy hysterical lady hormones’ shit is incredibly annoying.

Have her back, ffs.

Reading books and telling her what she should and shouldn't be doing isn't help or support, however well meaning.

Damn right. Support is fending off comments from family, doing more than your half of the housework because she’s exhausted, bringing drinks in the heat and generally actual practical and emotional support. Listening. Not being a twat and lecturing her about a finding on paracetamol and Male fertility which may or may not translate well out of our little murine friends.

Take her an ice cream and a cold drink and say sorry.

What kind of academic writes this badly? The tenses in your posts are completely muddled. Probably your hormones though, don't take it personally...

Be patient. Be gentle. Be kind.

Your wife is going through all kinds of changes now - hormonal, physical, emotional, and (soon) lifestyle. Show her that you're on her side. She may be anxious without realising it, and that can make people snappy and irritable (it sounds like she's taking everything personally, which can happen with anxiety/stress).

Try not to be too jokey or sarcastic - it can be really irritating. Don't force her to talk - sometimes all she'll want is crap tv or to read a good book, or whatever she's into. Just make sure you're there to listen when she wants to. Try not to minimise her concerns by saying "it'll be fine" etc - that sounds like you don't see what the big deal is. Be positive, but not unrealistic.

You sound lovely, though. Make sure you're getting support for yourself, too. If you need someone to talk to, do you have a good friend you can call? Try to make sure your wife knows you have her back, and you're both a team. Obviously don't let her treat you like a doormat, but cut yourselves both some slack - it's a stressful time!

I'm confused by your description of the incident with your sister, My sister is known to take things personally wherever she is. Therefore she made some comments about everyone tidying up after themselves. What do you mean by this? That your sister is known to be bossy and told everyone to tidy up after themselves? I assume English is not your first language (?) but it is not entirely clear to me what your sister said to your wife or in what context. Is it right that you and your wife hosted your extended family, and your sister started being bossy, including telling everyone to tidy up after themselves and telling your wife what medication she could or couldn't take during pregnancy (what was the precise context of this comment? Did your wife say she was suffering from pain?). Is it possible that your wife is worried about your family being controlling/demanding when baby arrives, and your sister's behaviour accordingly got to her more than usual? You seem to think that your sister's personality/behaviour is irrelevant here because everyone knows what she is like, therefore your wife is not entitled to react and is 100% at fault?

More generally, pregnancy is a time where feeling sick, tired, anxious and/or down is common - I doubt you could find one woman who never felt any of these things during pregnancy. As a human being, can't you see that feeling any of these things could affect your mood? You talk about your wife as if she is a different species, a slave to her hormones (and for me, the idea of my thoughts/feelings being ignored during pregnancy and put down to "hormones" by my DH would drive me mad). Have you asked her how is she is feeling and taken what she says seriously, rather than doing "research" on the topic?

Well... I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant. I've been hormonal as expected but I've also been very conscious of the fact that I'm pregnant and my body and mind is changing. Therefore, I am always able to recognise when I am being ridiculous and I have been able to calm down and see things rationally. I've put a lot of conscious effort into not letting things overwhelm me and I've been very apologetic to my partner when I've come across as moody or unreasonable. He's always been very sweet with me and understanding.

I'm not saying it's this easy for everyone. Its just that a lot of the comments are in complete defence of your wife. But I have to say that I think she could and should be taking things less seriously. My partner makes jokes when I'm sometimes not in the mood, but that's who he is! He makes jokes and why should he stop now? We can still have a laugh! And his Nan calls me fatty.. Which I hate! And lots of people give me lots of opinions and over fuss, like my Mum ringing me 3 times a day! But I just politely tell tell I'm not taking advice or that I don't like to be fussed over and contacted a lot... So far it's worked! And sometimes you just have to let things go..

So I can't sit here and say you should be completely bending over backwards and supporting her behaviour in every way. Not sure what advice I can give other than keep being supportive in every way you can and maybe just tell everyone to politely back off, on her behalf, as she is clearly struggling emotionally.

Is your sister a medical professional? Because if I was in your wife's situations I'd probably feel the same and tell her to keep her nose out! Wether or not she was trying to be nice.

She is pregnant, not you, her body is changing not yours, her hormones are all over the place not yours. You sound like a lovely guy but really give your wife a break! She needs your support not you questioning her moods on Mumsnet!