Wife's Behavior Through Pregnancy

[Mrlittleconfused]

Hi All,

This is my first ever post so be gentle! I am a soon to be Dad! Me and my wife are now 23 weeks through our first ever pregnancy. I'm an academic so I've done my fair share of reading on the matter, however some of the behavioral changes i am noticing in my partner are putting some real stress on our relationship.

About her:

She fiery but gentle, loves animals and has a soft yet firm personality! We are finding the longer we're together, we're more water tight than we realizes. However, she's started taking things (jokes, comments, etc) really seriously. She begins to over think things a lot. There have been points where i have cried, she has and together. At times she has also contemplated leaving. I'm not sure if this is down to the pregnancy. Is this common, has anyone else been through or experienced this too?

I'm in need of some reassurance and understanding. I talk to my wife openly all the time but i am fully aware that her body and mind is changing the further we get down the line of seeing our first born.

A quick example of something that happened just the other day. We had a family get together and the weather is great. Sounds ideal for a BBQ. We gather round my grans with sisters, and some of our cousins. The whole day is bliss. We get towards the end of the day where everyone's begins to throw away their litter, tidying up slightly, ready to leave.

My sister is known to take things personally wherever she is. Therefore she made some comments about everyone tidying up after themselves. This is all said in general so no one in specific. My wife seems to take some of those comments on board and then takes them personally. Other things are said about being careful about taking painkillers etc whilst pregnant (more direct at my wife with good intentions). She takes the tidying up with my sister and has a full blown row calling her bitchy and cocky etc.]

So my sister is now upset and my wife is in a mood. We then try talk at home but shes not having it. In a strop, she takes out the painkillers comment and reckon that everyone making comments about her trying to drug our baby...

The present day:

She's still moody and in a strop even with me. We've tried to talk and I've tried to calm things down and tried to get her to look at things for what they are. But no so much look. The atmosphere among the family as a whole is quite hostile. Seems like no ones really talking to no one. Everyone's keeping out of each others way. Its quite the apposite as were all massive family oriented individuals.

My mother doesn't help as shes always trying to but some distance between us. Ideally she doesn't try to help rather likes to stand by and watch the show...

I just need some guidance on this guys. Any help, advise, guidance would be hugely appreciated. Any questions fire away. I look forward to your comments and to posting some updates and news when the little ones here!

Goodness me, what kind of academic are you? Your written English isn’t great and makes it quite hard to follow the gist of your post
Main things to note, SHE is pregnant, not you. She will likely be feeling physically uncomfortable and her hormones will be all over the place. Back her up and suck it up.

Those aren't the type of mistakes typical of someone who has studied English as an additional language. It must be Mrlittle 's hormones making him write irrationally, it's the only explanation...

End of a hot tiring day is a bad time to make a joke or comment at a pregnant women, get her an ice cream some flowers and a hug, tell her you'll talk to the family and ask them to be a bit more sensitive. Pregnancy can turn you from a blubbering mess one minute to boiling rage the next especially when tired.

You think that YOU need reassurance and understanding!? Your poor pregnant wife is the one who needs those things by the sound of it! Sounds to me like your wife had reason to get upset by your allegedly "well-meaning" yet bossy AF sister! I don't blame her for getting upset with your sister if your sis acts the way you've described and your response is "that's just how she always is" therefore everyone must put up with it. Maybe your DW is sick and tired of putting up with your DS's attitude and pissed because all you did was attempt to minimize and dismiss your wife's feelings completely. You tried to get her to see things for what they are!? Says who? You?The way you see things may not be the way she sees them and that doesn't mean that she is wrong for feeling the way she does. Your DW is entitled to her feelings. If your sister is upset then she should take it as a lesson on how not to treat your wife. Is your sister always so bossy and rude? Don't blame it all on hormones either! I guarantee that's not all that it is. Support your wife's feelings.

I feel a bit sorry for your wife, sounds like she feels very ganged up on. You haven't mentioned if you have tried to see things from her point of view?

OP, you're getting a bit of a hard time from some posters. I think you sound like you want to do what you can to support your wife, and you're asking for advice and help - that's a good thing to do!

All I can say is that at 27 weeks pregnant my DH has had to put up with more hormones, strops, tantrums, crying and depression in the last 27 weeks than the WHOLE 9 years we knew each other before I was pregnant!

Making a human is VERY hard work, it's hit me like a tonne of bricks... so much harder than I thought it could possibly be. I also do NOT take kindly to advice from people- especially people who don't know what they're talking about- but think they do. Eg if a Dr told me not to take a drug I wouldnt take it, but if a random person started giving me health advice I would NOT be impressed either.

Stick by her, pregnancy is incredibly difficult.

I’ve said it a million times on here but when I hear someone described as ‘oh you know how she is/oh she’s just like that’ they are, invariably, absolutely awful.

The phrase gets used in every toxic relative thread there is. Usually by people who actually mean ‘I know x is really difficult but we’ve all been tiptoeing round them for twenty years and not rocking the boat/we are too spineless to tell them to stop.’

To be honest I think you sound like a really good guy who cares about his wife a lot! Your sister sounds a bit of a pain and I'd probably react like your wife and then he annoyed if my husband didn't stick up for me... but it's not the end if the world. Just be there for her and show her she comes first. Talk to her and ask her what she needs. And cut yourself some slack- being first time parents isn't easy for anyone, including the dad to be. I'm almost 20 weeks now and while yes it's be bearing the brunt of it all physically (obviously) it doesn't mean there's no impact whatsoever on my husband! It's about teamwork and supporting each other though.

Good grief. I'm 23 weeks and admit that I'm finding some people more annoying than usual but it does sound like your wife is overreacting a bit although hard to tell from what you've said. Yes she's pregnant but you don't get to behave like an arsehole just because. Maybe I'm fortunate as after a totally horrendous first 18 weeks, I have finally started to not feel completely anxious, unwell and scared of losing my baby. I don't think it does anyone any good to be so distressed all the time so perhaps it's best to avoid spending too much time with people who your wife is struggling around for now,

Some of the comments above are pretty harsh on you OP.

My advice is just to be there and support your wife. Be on her side. She might sound like she is being ridiculous but she’s going through a lot and she needs you to be there to defend her. Think of it as preparation for labour and parenthood. You guys need to get on the same page and fast. She is talking to you about what she is worried about, which is good. Listen to her. Try to understand. Try to see if there is deeper meaning to her outbursts. And even if it doesn’t totally make sense to you, belief that she genuinely feels as she says. Ask her what you can do to help. Do all the housework. Let her rest. Do things you know will make her happy. Don’t let your extended family interfer if they are being unconstructive.

A lot of the comments here are harsh and unnecessary. For what it’s worth I say “we” are pregnant, I know physically my partner isn’t but it’s his baby too and he helped put it there. We are in the pregnancy together. Your wife does need to try and take things less personally and you shouldn’t change who you are because she is pregnant. Presumably she knew what type of person you were with regards to jokes etc and has chosen to have a baby with you. I don’t blame her for being irritated though as hormones are shit and pregnancy is hard. Wait til she gets further along. Just keep being supportive and maybe back her up a bit if she is looking stressed and wants people to butt out. You seem like a nice and caring guy and congratulations on the pregnancy, to you both.

You are going to be a dad which is scary but becoming a mum is far scarier! Her body is going through unprecedented changes. She will have days where she loves the world and days when she just wants to run away. Regardless of how much you want a baby, there are times when the enormity of what is going to happen overwhelms you - and you can't change your mind!!

Keep talking to her, tell her you are on her side and tell your sister to back off. The worst thing about being pregnant is becoming public property somehow as everyone has an opinion or advice or a story to tell.

It is a rollercoaster when you become parents - enjoy the ride, even the low bits!

@catinapoolofsunshine Thank you for saying that! I wanted to say something too. For an "academic" your writing is very poor and I just want to go through it with a red marker, lol.

Different people react differently to pregnancy. Some women swan through, mentally fine and no complications. Others have physical complications but otherwise ok. Some have physically easy pregnancies but mentally/emotionally really struggle. And everything in between.

Your wife may have been overreacting, she may not. However, in that moment that's how she felt, and she needs your support right now. I had massive pre-natal anxiety in my first pregnancy and I'm sure I came across as a total whack job at times, but honestly, there was nothing I could do about the way I felt or acted, the anxiety was all consuming and filled every corner of my life. My husband stuck with me, did the laundry and washing up, and didn't complain when I refused to watch anything other than 'location location location' on the TV, even if he didn't understand why it was happening. As soon as the baby arrived, I was back to normal.

Listen to your wife, encourage her to talk to you about what she is feeling and going through, and really listen and try to understand what she needs from you. Don't tell her how she should be feeling or reacting, listen to what she is going through.

Have you thought that maybe your wife thinks your suffocating her? As the previous posters have said - she is pregnant, not you. I cannot begin to explain what being pregnant is like, only women who have been through it know. Your sister was out of line, your wife is not just a baby vessel (as someone previously mentioned) but a fully functioning human being who knows her body - your sister shouldn't have said anything at all. You can support your wife, listen to her, make her cups of tea but you will never know what it's like to be 23 weeks pregnant. She doesn't need an emotional husband to cry with her, she needs a strong steady husband to hold her tight when it gets too much, and someone to make the dinner/clean up/bring her dessert as a surprise, that kind of thing. You sound like a good person who is worried about his wife, I'm not bashing you but you do need to man up and stop applying academics to real life situations.

It’s normal. Currently 38 weeks so nearly over now, but it’s been a rough ride (again) for OH.
Of course I will feel bad once it’s over, again, but right now I feel pretty justified in everything I do even if I overreact A LOT...

I’m a different person when pregnant, I’m moody, snappy, take things out of context, totally overreact, I’m a total nob head. I genuinely hate being pregnant mostly because of how I behave and feel. It’s no picnic being on this side of it either!
I had such a massive go at OH the other day for not picking a towel up off the floor that had accidentally dropped off the towel dryer. He takes it like a pro. It’s a fucking disgusting way to treat or talk to somebody, I know it is :/ I simply just go too far and react too quickly when I’m pregnant.

Hang in there! She will go back to herself. I’m not saying to enable her behaviour, but I’m saying to ignore it for the most part with kind grace. OH usually stays silent and tries to sort out the issue (like pick up the towel and get on with life, listen to me rage for awhile, say things like “you’re right, I shouldn’t have. I’ll be more careful”) but obviously if I wasn’t pregnant he would probably think I had lost the plot and have something to say!

Just try to be patient. Pregnancy is horrible! Anybody who claims differently is so wrong in their wrongness.

And obviously you need to support her and back her up, because it’s pretty disgraceful of you not to

Haaaaaaa @catinapoolofsunshine I love you 😂😂

Your post OP has really struck a cord with me plus totally pissed me off at the same time. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and quite frankly if you were my husband (from what you’ve described in your post) I would have chopped your bits off by now. As other excellent posters have said, being pregnant for a woman is life changing. Your body is not your own, half the time your mind isn’t either. In between all of that you are expected to be happy as Larry all the time because you are pregnant. Apologise in advance for the expletives but being pregnant is fucking exhausting. That’s even before all the sleepless nights that a newborn brings. So please, reign your neck in on the theory bollocks you’ve been reading and just be at your wife’s beck and call. Talk to her about how she is feeling and most importantly, do not judge but empathise. Your lives are about to change unrecognisable and quite frankly if you are not 100% actively supporting her now you are going to have a whole heap of trouble once your baby is here.

Stop over thinking this and obsessing about yourself. Just be there for her, listen, support. Help her practically, physically, emotionally.

This is not about you. She is growing a human. Your role is a supporting one.

Be there. Be a rock.

Chocness Rude...

Chocness absolutely spot on.

Poor OP!