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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant at 42 and hubby 49

36 replies

Jslack61 · 04/05/2018 07:32

I found out a couple of weeks ago I was pregnant and have been unsure what decision is right. Husband thinks he is too old but says he’ll support me whatever decision I make. I went for an abortion yesterday at 9 weeks and couldn’t go through with it, although am still unsure what to do next. I already have 3 kids aged 19, 18 and 16.

OP posts:
confuddledconfuddle · 04/05/2018 08:06

Hi, didn't want to read and in, but I don't have no advice I'm afraid.
It is a massive decision, and no matter which one you make will be the right one for you and your family. Just always remember the decision you make now was the best decision you could make at the time with what you knew and felt. So don't ever second guess yourself.
I do however think if you didn't go through with the termination, that is telling you something and that you need more time to think. Were they able to provide a counsellor for you to talk things through with?
What are you thinking? Why do you think you couldn't go through with it? Why did you book it? These are maybe the sorts of things you need to clarify for yourself to help with your choice. Sending hugs as it is not an easy choice

Original poster
Jslack61 · 04/05/2018 08:33

Thankyou for your kind words. I booked them abortion because my head was telling me it’s the right thing to do because we have just started getting some life back of our own and also I booked it because my husband is concerned that he will be 49 when the baby’s born. I couldn’t go through with the abortion because whilst having the scan, all I wanted to do was ask to see the scan and make sure everything looked ok. I was offered counselling at the start of true appointment but declined it and when I decided I couldn’t go through with it I didn’t have time for counselling as I had to get home and I was an hours drive away

OP posts:
confuddledconfuddle · 04/05/2018 08:42

I think the most difficult thing for you is that those things are not going to change for you. You can't make you or your husband any younger, but it sounds like you may have bonded to some extent with the baby already.
I just thinks it's important to remember there is no wrong choice - only difficult ones.
How do you think it may impact on your life having the baby?
Alternatively how do you think it will impact on your life terminating.
Look at pros and cons for both.

Would you be able to seek some private counselling. Get seen quickly and you really only need a forum to be able to speak how you are feeling/thinking in a safe space to organise your thoughts

Nichola2310 · 04/05/2018 09:46

My husband will be almost 43 when our baby arrives. I’m sure he would have liked to have been a father younger but he was already 37 when we met, and this is the first child for both of us. Also a work colleague of his just told him his wife is pregnant, and he’s 55. One thing that struck me is while your child would have older parents, your other children could also be very valuable in its life.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 04/05/2018 09:49

My previous dh was 45 when I had our first,was never an issue at all..
Remarried I had ds at 43, new dh was 34!!Blush
Pregnancy was problem free and ds is a fab 'bonus baby'!!

confuddledconfuddle · 05/05/2018 08:17

Hi OP how are things, I have been thinking about you.

Original poster
Jslack61 · 05/05/2018 08:37

Hi, thanks for your message. Going away for the bank holiday so may take my mind off things for a little while. I’ve been thinking about how things will change for all of us if I have the baby. Also been worrying child may get bullied for having older parents when at school, etc, or might hate having older parents itself. I’m very mixed up!

OP posts:
BodgingThisMumThing · 05/05/2018 08:38

My mum had hers at 24,25,27 and 32 then sunsiquently fell pregnant at 43 and then 45! Obviously a huge shock to all of us but wouldn’t be without my little sisters now.

All really healthy happy pregnancies! Plus she always said she had ready maid baby sitters out of all of us, then me and my older sister fell pregnant so there’s only a couple of years between my mums youngest children and her grandchildren.

My partners mum has a 2 year old and 4 year old and a 7 month old grandson!

Lots of things to think about but honestly we were all overjoyed.

Original poster
Jslack61 · 05/05/2018 08:38

Thankyou very much for your message

OP posts:
Original poster
Jslack61 · 05/05/2018 08:39

Thanks for your message

OP posts:
Original poster
Jslack61 · 05/05/2018 08:40

Thanks for your message

OP posts:
Original poster
Jslack61 · 05/05/2018 08:40

Thankyou for your message

OP posts:
Sunbeam18 · 05/05/2018 08:45

Hi there, my partner was 54 when our (only) son was born and I was 40. Nobody mentions our ages or cares. Just wanted to share that in case that was a worry.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 05/05/2018 08:50

Jslack

Congratulations

I have lots of friends who have had children later in life and not had any issues. In a way people are often financially in a better position and know what to expect and don't feel robbed of going out a the time.

I was 35 when I had my daughter (now 3) and my partner was 42 and now he's 45 and I'm 38 and just found out I'm redundant and pregnant - I've started a thread!!!!!! BFP & Redundancy Looming - I'm panicky 😱 too!!!! Lots of people are during pregnancy for different reasons.

If you're feeling like all your friends have older children as you do, and no little ones just be sure to get yourself out to groups and things and then you'll soon make some new Mummy friends.

What you did was extremely brave walking away from a pre-booked appointment like that, and took some guts - but do speak to someone, maybe your GP or relate do relationship AND family services xx

Original poster
Jslack61 · 05/05/2018 09:05

Thankyou for your very kind words!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jslack61 · 05/05/2018 09:12

Thankyou

OP posts:
victoryvee · 05/05/2018 09:35

My husband was 50 when our twins were born! It was his 4/5th and my first. His older kids are in their twenties.

Obviously it's completely personal and do what's right for you

SilverDoe · 05/05/2018 10:16

Wow OP what a shock for you Flowers

I would just like to share my experience with older parents too - my mum had me at 39 and there is an 18 year age gap between her and my dad, so my dad was 58!! I was never bullied or teased for having an older dad and he was more than capable of looking after us - in fact he was a stay at home dad.

It was a lovely time, so lovely in fact that although I have had kids much younger (am 24 now and have 2) I am doing everything and sacrificing a lot to offer the same family set up for my own children. I wouldn't worry about your ages impacting on your child at all, as long as you are keeping yourselves reasonably fit and healthy :)

Good luck with your decision, it must be hard either way. I am imagining in 20 years being only in my 40's and having grown up kids and I can completely see why you wouldn't go back to raising small children too. But it might be an adventure!

Original poster
Jslack61 · 08/05/2018 08:55

Has anyone been like me and found it really hard to decide what to do about a pregnancy, even after thinking about it constantly for a few weeks? My mind is blown!

OP posts:
kitty1013 · 08/05/2018 09:41

I am not trying to influence your decision, but for me, dithering for ages (and being unable to go through with termination appointments) was a sign that I wanted the baby. I am not anti abortion at all, but from what I've read the people who cope best with going through with a termination are those who feel quite sure about their decision.
I am 44 and 20 weeks pregnant with my 6th child. my eldest is 10 and youngest is 3 . I also have a DSD who lives with us who is 17. I hadn't planned more and I certainly never planned to have 6 kids. Life just happened. The other kids are strangely excited (you would have thought they'd be bored of babies by now) , which is very heartening. My parents were horrified.
It's not easy- I'm very tired and feeling very nervous about the summer school holidays!
But anyway sorry for the essay.i think once you've got kids already that's made me not at all worried about looking after a baby; it's the practicalities of finances, bedrooms etc that's the hard part.
Also at my age I felt that if the baby was healthy then I should have it...I had NIPT at 9 weeks, results at 10; that also helped me make up my mind, when the results were good.
Good luck with your decision. There's no right or wrong answer , it's just what feels right to you. Try not to be swayed by what anyone else thinks!

Original poster
Jslack61 · 08/05/2018 10:38

Thankyou so much for your advice.

OP posts:
confuddledconfuddle · 08/05/2018 11:28

Hi Op sorry to hear that you are still struggling. I've never been in your situation but through work I sometimes have to work with women who make difficult decisions regarding pregnancy. The thing that often sticks out is no decision is often a decision.
I don't want to lead you in your decision but as you still haven't been able to decide to terminate leads me to think you are more leaning towards keeping it.

Personally I think that when a baby is here, yes they change your life and cause stress and difficulty at times. But by that stage you possibly wouldn't be able to imagine life without them. Lots of people have older parents so I wouldn't be to worried about that and making that a huge factor in your decision. I live in Ireland and it is not unusual to see siblings with large age gaps and I think that is often beneficial to the younger sib. It gives them an older sensible person to guide them without being a parent who they often don't want to talk to.

However to balance it out, the impact on your life is only something you can decide. Maybe you had planned to go see the world now your kids are nearly adults. Or even just to experiment some couple time again. A new baby would change all that. It's no different making the decision to terminate in your 20's due to it not the right time in your life.

I am very much pro choice and it has to be the right decision for you. I also want to remind you that the decision you make now is the best decision you can make now. Doesn't make it any easier though Thanks

confuddledconfuddle · 08/05/2018 11:31

Oh just to put it in perspective about age, a relative of mines father has just had a kid with someone and he is 71 - that is a different story about age altogether. He also had a kid in his 60's. His oldest kid is 45.
Your situation is not relatable to age.

bellsbuss · 08/05/2018 11:58

I was 41 and OH 48 with our fourth , our children were 18, 12 and 7. It was a bit of a shock tbh and has been very tiring but he has completed our family. We both feel that we would have regretted not having him but will never regret having him. I was worried as I had got used to not having a little one and my life was my own during the day but it was surprisingly easy to go back to it. Good luck with whatever you decide

Bellabutterfly2016 · 10/05/2018 08:59

Hi Jslack (op)
Just wondered how you are and how you're feeling now? Xx

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