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Original poster

DH Keeps moving goalposts on first baby

44 replies

Lollypops90 · 02/05/2018 21:50

Hi all!

Im new here, but have been reading bits for a while. (Please excuse any typos, my phones auto correct can be temperamental... or maybe its the fat fingers)

So onto what is bothering me.. i suppose i need to vent more than anything.
DH and I have known eachother for around 10 years. (Im 28 in november, hes 30 in december) Married for nearly 1. Since the beginning of our relationship he has known i desperately want children.
In the beginning we agreed that we can try for children after we get married. His goal posts then moved when he said after he is 30.
As he is 30 this year, he tried to change it again to when im 30.
Now due to health reasons and family history of birth issues on both sides, 30 is my personal cut off. Which gives me just under 2 years to get pregnant. He has known this all along.

We both have stable, well paid jobs. Financially we could be better, but unless your a millionaire, so could everyone?
We are currently in rented and because of this DH has now said he doesnt want a child untill we own a house. Theoretically a good idea, practically.. coming up with a deposit is nearly impossible. Especially when were looking at a rather costly property (he MUST have a garage, fire and large garden). We have 0 deposit and by the research were going to need 20k deposit.

Now i understand that he is trying to get us organised, but i feel like time is running out for me to become a mum.
We had a pregnancy scare, However he brazenly said we would have to go to the doctors. - meaning get rid of it, if i had been pregnant.

He has told me he wants children... but i keep feeling like hes putting it off more and more. He knows that 30 is my cut off and when i mention that i only have X months left, or i get broody over a baby. He gets moody and says im putting pressure on him.

Ive gotten myself so down over the fact that i dont think i will ever been a mum. Its almost as if i am grieving for the children i will never have. Especially if he continues to say "once we own a house". Other people have babies in rented accommodation. Why cant we?
Its gotten so bad, that ive made my mind up that in February 2020 i will take my doctors up on the offer of sterilisation... but then if im not going to be "allowed" to have a baby.. then why dont i say hey, do it now?

Ive started to feel like im going mad, with all these emotions.
If my period is even a day late, i start thinking... hoping even. Then his reactions get me down.

Sorry for the essay... i just dont know how / what to feel right now...

OP posts:
aetw · 02/05/2018 22:05

Oh op. You sound so upset and cross and I understand why. I had the same thing with my ex husband.
I think you need to make it clear to him that this is now serious for you and critical. It sounds like there is something seriously holding him back. However you really need to both be on the same page.
Relationship counselling.
Good luck, I’m sorry you have this. Xx

HundredMilesAnHour · 02/05/2018 22:12

If you're desperate for a baby, why would you even consider getting yourself sterilised in 2020? Isn't this cutting off your nose to spite your face? Or is it an empty threat to try and push your DH into having a baby now? It seems a bit childish.

I feel sorry for you and I'm not surprised you're so upset. Your DH keeps moving the goalposts so you need to decide what matters most to you. Having a baby now or your marriage. Your DH clearly isn't ready for a baby. Do you seriously think he will be over the next few years? You need to decide. If you want a baby now and he won't commit to it, are you willing to leave him and find another baby daddy? Or do you love your DH enough to stay and wait for him to be ready without keep pressurising him? And maybe take the risk that he may never be ready.

Dermymc · 02/05/2018 22:14

Leave now. While you still have chance to have children with someone else. You don't want to be e sat there at 40 with no baby and having run out of time.

Viviennemary · 02/05/2018 22:24

You are still quite young only 27 but you have been with your DH a long time. But the worry is that in three four five years time he may still say the time still isn't right. It does seem like he is keeping coming up with more excuses. Perhaps you should think is leaving him an option over this. Because no point in hanging around for years to get the same answer.

timeisnotaline · 02/05/2018 22:27

I would go pretty nuclear at him saying I’m putting pressure on him. The whole point of having had these discussions and him agreeing is so you know you are compatible re one of the biggest decisions a couple can make. I’d ask ‘are you telling me we aren’t compatible as a couple and you lied about all this? Where does that leave our marriage?’

Fatted · 02/05/2018 22:30

I think realistically you need to sit down and have the talk about it. We also have a 2 year age gap (I'm the oldest) and we agreed to wait until both of us were 30. At 27, I still didn't want children and it was only really when I approached 30 I was ready. It was then OH actually sat down and spoke about it seriously, so we knew where the other stood.

You do have to make it clear how important children are to you and decide if it's a deal breaker for you both or not.

Original poster
Lollypops90 · 02/05/2018 22:32

Just wanted to clarify.. when i say cut off at 30. This is doctors reccomendation due to my and our family histories.

OP posts:
NellMangel · 02/05/2018 22:33

How frustrating. There'll always be a reason not to have a baby.

I don't know about the health reasons you mention, but it seems extreme to set a sterilisation date.

I think all you can do is talk to him and see if he'll stick to original plan, otherwise go your separate ways.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/05/2018 22:35

Why do you have a cut off of 30? Is early menopause a thing in your family? Just wondering why this is such a major thing, because I think most people would rather get themselves more financially secure first if possible - saving is really hard when you factor in only one wage, or 2 wages but a hefty childcare bill.

annandale · 02/05/2018 22:36

I don't understand where the idea of sterilisation came from. What?? My only slight feeling for your dh is that if you talk one day about wanting children, and the next about sterilisation, he may feel you don't know what you want. I think you just feel pretty desperate - I do know that feeling.

Frankly, it is perfectly reasonable to put pressure on him. Talk to him again, say that contraception is now his responsibility and you aren't going to use any form of contraception any more as you want a child. He will either have a vasectomy (I don't think he wants children at all), will refuse to have sex with you/ask for oral/hand jobs only (ditto) or will buy some condoms. If he hasn't agreed to try to conceive within about six months, leave. This is something he knew you wanted - time to piss or get off the pot.

TenThousandSpoons · 02/05/2018 22:38

What are the health issues? Does it mean you can’t have children after 30? In which case him saying wait until you’re 30 is nonsensical.

Calmingvibrations · 02/05/2018 22:47

If he knows you can’t have kids after 30, but still doesn’t want them know then he either doesn’t want kids at all or he doesn’t want them with you. Sorry I don’t mean to be blunt but you get the point i mean. But who is he going to have them with then? It won’t be you if you can’t after 30.

The bit where you had the scare and he insinuated you’d have to / he’d want you to get rid of it I think is very telling. It’s not as if you aren’t in a stable relationship / on the bread line.

My take is that he doesn’t want them and can’t be honest.

If you really do and you have to do it in the next two years, then have a conversation now and if he can’t commit then I’d leave.

If it were me, The resentment of him dragging his feet and moving goal posts would kill me and the relationship.

Want2bSupermum · 02/05/2018 22:50

Having DC is extremely expensive and he might be wanting some savings behind you both before starting a family. Perfectly reasonable to want this. Financial pressure is the #1 reason for relationships breaking down.

TroubledLichen · 02/05/2018 22:52

Sorry OP it sounds like he doesn’t want a baby and he’s not being honest with you. Hence why he’s trying to put it off until it’s no longer an option for you for medical reasons. He’s being incredibly cruel by not telling you straight up. You still have two years left on your deadline so you can either decide to peruse the baby thing on your own or stay married to him and give up on having children. Personally I don’t ever think I would be able to forgive the lack of honesty.

NorthernLurker · 02/05/2018 22:52

It's not money. He's been moving the goalposts for years. I agree, he either doesn't want kids or he doesn't want them with you.

GreenTulips · 02/05/2018 22:57

If he said at the beginning of the relationship that

You saved for a house
Married
Had children

At least you would know where you were

I left a lovely 10 year relationship at 28 because he didn't want kids - I didn't either but I wanted the choice

Met DH and we had a baby 2 years later because we were in the same page

Ask him directly and stop agreeing to his terms because he won't be grown up enough in two years

X had a baby with his wife at 48!! There no way it would've been me!!

ScattyCharly · 02/05/2018 23:03

You need to tell him that it’s now or never. You waited for the first goalpost - being married and the second goalpost - him being 30. He’s changed his mind, which he is entitled to do, but he has to understand that it means the end of the relationship if he does. No more goalposts. Either it’s now or you leave.

Don’t get sterilised if you want a baby. There are more ways to have a baby than with this man.

Mannix · 02/05/2018 23:07

Your DH is being very unfair on you. Of course he shouldn't have a baby if he doesn't want one, but it's awful to keep setting a deadline, getting your hopes up and then changing his mind. The house one is particularly mean, because it's not a fixed amount of time - it could take years to save for a house.

I think you need to have a very serious chat. It's not fair for him to moan that you're putting pressure on him when he's putting you through this. If he can't give you a definite, final date when you can start TTC then you should consider your options. At 27/28 you still have plenty of time to meet someone else and have a baby with them.

C0untDucku1a · 02/05/2018 23:10

What history means you cant try for a baby after 30?

Have you seen a consultant?

Namechange128 · 02/05/2018 23:11

To me the fact that when you had a scare he went straight to the idea of abortion says he's not just 'not quite ready', but in fact a very long way from wanting children.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2018 23:18

You have a medically set deadline and he's just going to keep delaying until its too late.

I'd seriously question how much he loved me.

You had a scare within a committed, stable relationship, you're desperate for a baby and he told you you'd have to have an abortion. I'd seriously question how much he loved me.

There's always the argument of leaving and will you have time to do it with someone else or stay and accept your life. I sting think that's what you should consider. I think you need to consider whether he really loves you enough to make your needs any where near important. If he didn't want kids he should have broken you with you years ago, not trap you in a childless marriage deliberately.

saison4 · 03/05/2018 00:14

sorry OP but I don't think he wants children. not everyone does but some find it harder to admit than others.

You have 2 options - accept that you won't have DC with DC or leave him and find someone, who does. You are still yond but without knowing what your medical issue is, it is difficult to comment. I have been in your shoes and I chose option 2 and have no regrets. ExH is still childless but happy so I know I made the right decision. good luck.

Johnnycomelately1 · 03/05/2018 00:23

Sorry but this makes zero sense. If you have been categorically told by an Obstetric consultant that you need to get sterilised when you're 30, then why is your DH saying wait until you're 30, as surely he realises that those two things are mutually incompatible?

Or is this a case of a doctor saying "better to have DC younger" as an aside/ casual bit of advice?

Johnnycomelately1 · 03/05/2018 00:30

I guess my point is that if it's scenario one then I don't understand why you're even debating this if children is a priority to you because his criteria make it physically impossible for you to have kids. Leave him.

YimminiYoudar · 03/05/2018 00:48

He is just not that into you. Leave him. He won't be a good dad. You have time to meet a decent bloke who is worth building a future with.

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