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Original poster

DH Keeps moving goalposts on first baby

44 replies

Lollypops90 · 02/05/2018 21:50

Hi all!

Im new here, but have been reading bits for a while. (Please excuse any typos, my phones auto correct can be temperamental... or maybe its the fat fingers)

So onto what is bothering me.. i suppose i need to vent more than anything.
DH and I have known eachother for around 10 years. (Im 28 in november, hes 30 in december) Married for nearly 1. Since the beginning of our relationship he has known i desperately want children.
In the beginning we agreed that we can try for children after we get married. His goal posts then moved when he said after he is 30.
As he is 30 this year, he tried to change it again to when im 30.
Now due to health reasons and family history of birth issues on both sides, 30 is my personal cut off. Which gives me just under 2 years to get pregnant. He has known this all along.

We both have stable, well paid jobs. Financially we could be better, but unless your a millionaire, so could everyone?
We are currently in rented and because of this DH has now said he doesnt want a child untill we own a house. Theoretically a good idea, practically.. coming up with a deposit is nearly impossible. Especially when were looking at a rather costly property (he MUST have a garage, fire and large garden). We have 0 deposit and by the research were going to need 20k deposit.

Now i understand that he is trying to get us organised, but i feel like time is running out for me to become a mum.
We had a pregnancy scare, However he brazenly said we would have to go to the doctors. - meaning get rid of it, if i had been pregnant.

He has told me he wants children... but i keep feeling like hes putting it off more and more. He knows that 30 is my cut off and when i mention that i only have X months left, or i get broody over a baby. He gets moody and says im putting pressure on him.

Ive gotten myself so down over the fact that i dont think i will ever been a mum. Its almost as if i am grieving for the children i will never have. Especially if he continues to say "once we own a house". Other people have babies in rented accommodation. Why cant we?
Its gotten so bad, that ive made my mind up that in February 2020 i will take my doctors up on the offer of sterilisation... but then if im not going to be "allowed" to have a baby.. then why dont i say hey, do it now?

Ive started to feel like im going mad, with all these emotions.
If my period is even a day late, i start thinking... hoping even. Then his reactions get me down.

Sorry for the essay... i just dont know how / what to feel right now...

OP posts:

Wildlingofthewest · 03/05/2018 00:55

I’m sorry but he’s shifting the goal posts because he doesn’t really want to have a child. His reaction to your pregnancy scare says it all.

Everything he is putting in the way of it is just to postpone it, he’s buying time so that in 3,5,10 years time when he’s decided that the time is right it’s going to likely be too late for you, based on your medical issues that you have mentioned. He’s doing it on purpose.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work to be honest.

myadviceisdontskippaps · 03/05/2018 01:27

i don't think it's a good sign. in my experience it means he doesn't want kids.

my stbx did that too. i made it clear i didn't want to be approaching 40 and having kids and that I really wanted to be done by 30 (from my own observations of the health issues you can get when older). i forced the issue and ended up with amazing DS.

BUT, in hindsight, stbx never really wanted kids. he would tell people who asked when we were having kids, maybe within 5-10 years (i was late 20s when we got married!), meanwhile having told me in the next 1-2 years.

once DS arrived, he only gingerly got involved, barely did anything with DS or to pick up the slack at home, and then turned his attention to OW because he was jealous of DS taking up my time. now locked in nasty divorce because he claims he loves DS so much he doesn't want to have to travel to see him.

not saying that your DH will go find an OW, more that his moving the goalposts on kids is a sign he doesn't really want them at all. and... if you do force the issue, he will use it against you as an excuse why he shouldn't do half the parenting.

ThinkingQueSeraSera · 03/05/2018 01:53

OP,

You don't really have a choice. You know you want children and time is short so you have to start trying now with your husband or leave and start trying alone. Don't lose your opportunity to be a mother for any man.

BlueBug45 · 03/05/2018 06:04

OP you need to go to relationship counseling to force him to confirm if he actually wants children now knowing you will probably have issues with fertility later. If he doesn't want them now or refuses to go to counseling then you need to start getting divorced immediately for unreasonable behaviour - don't agree to do two year separation as you are wasting your time. Then start looking to meet someone else who wants them. Oh and you are actually lucky you don't have a house together as less asserts to divide up if you do separate.

userabcname · 03/05/2018 06:55

OP, is your H aware of the health issues and how serious they are? If so then I would be inclined to think ge doesn't want kids and is fobbing you off.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. I would sit down with him soon (as in, this weekend) and say either we start trying or I'm leaving. He can't be forced into fatherhood but equally you can't be forced to stay in a relationship where you could well end up childless. If he remains resolute about holding off then I think you should seriously consider finding someone else.

RemainOptimistic · 03/05/2018 07:02

OP you mention waiting for your period every month. If DH doesn't want DC he should not be having unprotected sex with you

Marmaladdin · 03/05/2018 07:06

However he brazenly said we would have to go to the doctors. - meaning get rid of it, if i had been pregnant.

I'd be 100% packing a bag if someone thought they had any say whatsoever in what I did with my body.

He doesn't want a baby with you.

eurochick · 03/05/2018 07:19

I'm curious as to what the medical issue could be that would mean getting sterilised at 30. I just can't think what it would be. And drs are generally hugely reluctant to sterilise younger women, even when they have completed their families. Are you sure you have correctly understood the advice you have received on this?

As for the relationship, I would generally agree that it is sensible to save and buy a house before having kids. But if you are likely to experience early menopause then that merits changing the order of things. If he can't see this then it's likely he doesn't want kids at all.

Aria2015 · 03/05/2018 07:19

I had this buy the other way around, I was the goal post mover! Eventually my dh called me out on it and said it made me realise I was being unfair and I took the plunge (which I have no regrets about). He needs to realise that not everyone has an ’aha’ moment where al the stars are aligned and it feels ’right’ sometimes you do just have to take the plunge!

PotteringAlong · 03/05/2018 07:26

Why will you be ok to have a baby at 29 but you need to be sterilised at 30? What’s going to happen in 6 months?

They won’t sterilise you at 30 when you’ve had no children.

ZenNudist · 03/05/2018 07:46

Another one who thinks you shoukd leave now. Plus ??? Over sterlisation issue?

^this

Smeaton · 03/05/2018 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoppingPavlova · 03/05/2018 08:02

I’m intrigued about the Dr’s “offer of sterilisation”. What Dr offers a 28yo with no children sterilisation? Usually, even people of this age with kids who claim their family is complete are pretty hard pressed to get someone to agree to it.

MarthaArthur · 03/05/2018 08:11

There was a similar poster on here ages ago. Her "D"H was stringing her along pretending they would have kids in the future until she became too old and infertile. She realised what he hd done and it was heartbreaking. Sorry op but it seems your H is doing the same. Stringing you along until its too late.

QueenOfMyWorld · 03/05/2018 08:15

If you are confident you can support the child without him then get pregnant anyway.If you don't have a lot of time medically then be selfish

Yogagirl123 · 03/05/2018 08:28

You have my sympathy OP, it’s an overwhelming feeling when you so want to be a mum. Do you think he’s the right person for you? As your views on becoming parents sound as if they are never going to meet in the middle. It was cruel of your DH to suggest a trip to the Dr’s when you thought you may have been pregnant, what would you have done if you had of been? It doesn’t sound to me that he is looking forward to becoming a dad. Have a serious conversation to see if there is a future for this relationship. You will resent him if you don’t have the family you desire. Sorry if it’s not what you want to hear, I wish you luck and happiness for the future.

missadasmith · 03/05/2018 08:57

he is moving the goalposts deliberately so you get to an age when you cannot have children anymore. If he wants to buy a house and you haven't got any deposit, this will be ages. And even if you manage to get a house, there will be something else such as reducing the mortgage first by £££ so you will be under less financial pressure with a DC. There will always be something.

I would try to have a sincere chat with him (if that is possible at all) and try to figure out where you all stand. You can then make an informed decision as to how to move forward (or out). It sounds really shit and I do feel for you.

gingerh4ir · 03/05/2018 09:03

...30 is my personal cut off

sounds as if 30 is the OP's cut off, not a deadline giving by a consultant.

OP, if the is nothing preventing you do have DC in the early 30s, I would not get stuck on 30. If you can have a DC at 29, I doubt you cannot have one at 31.

But the issue is your DH, not your medical condition. He doesn't want DC, so find someone who does if not having (or at least trying) for DC is a deal-breaker for you.

mindutopia · 03/05/2018 09:06

I think you definitely need to sit down and discuss this in detail, not after so and so is 30, but discuss what specific month you will start trying. If he won’t choose a month then you need to decide if this is enough to end the relationship and if that’s a reality then you need to make that clear and we willing to follow through with that.

My dh and I had children in our 30s (I was 32 when our first was born, 37 for our 2nd), but we don’t have any health issues and that was an intentional choice on both our parts. Things can be more challenging when you have a child, but it doesn’t make things impossible. Since we had our first, we’ve started a successful business and I’ve gotten a PhD. We also still rent (waiting to buy when I’ve gone back after my 2nd maternity leave because we’ll need to move anyway), but while having 2 dc we’ve managed to save money and invest wisely and now have about £100,000. When we do buy we’ll actually be in a better financial position than our friends who bought years ago before kids. So none of that should be seen as an impediment.

If he’s moving the goalposts it could be because he really doesn’t want children and doesn’t know how to say it. Trying to set a hard date should hopefully get you your answer.

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