Am I ready for a baby now?

[Rlb123]

I don’t really know how to start this.

Background info - I am currently 21 (22 in October) and my partner is 22 (23 next January). We’ve been together for 4 years now and since day one we’ve always talked about being parents. We moved into a one bedroom house on Sep 17 which we are currently renting from my Mum. I currently have a job working in a children’s home and my partner is about to start his PGCE year to become a teacher in September. We also have some savings between us, but until he has a full time permanent job (sep 19) we won’t be able to get a mortgage. Also, we are currently waiting to find out if I’m a carrier of BMD (Becker muscular dystrophy) which potentially could affect any sons I have.

My issue - I really want a baby. I know my partner wants one a lot too. I know that we don’t want to wait another year or even another month before we start trying. We came very close to trying this month but we decided against it at the last minute (I’m not on any contraception at the mo). I think the main reason for us not going ahead is for acceptance off my family as they have told me they think we’re too young and we need to live a little. For me and my partner, we have already been abroad volunteering done disney world and had our partying years so for me, I don’t care that we are kinda young. We thought that I was pregnant a couple of months ago, secretly, I really wanted it to be true and I think I kinda convinced myself that it was true, but it wasn't and I was surprisingly disappointed. My partners uni is another problem, it’s gonna take a while before he will have a solid income, although I do earn a decent amount to support us both and a newborn for a year. Then there’s the size of our house - 1 bed, it’s a huge bedroom but it’s not exactly big enough for us and a child (could do for a year with a small baby). And with waiting for crucial results on BMD at the minute, it has us both concerned that our children won’t be the same as others if they do inherit the disease. But I do think we will be very good, nurturing parents. My best friend has just had a baby and I can't get enough of her, at the same time I am seriously jealous because it's all I want at the moment. I do really want to give my kids the best start in life I can, I just hope having one now won't stop that from happening.

Do you think we should just go for it?
What should I say to my family if they question it?
Does it matter that we aren’t entirely 100% ready yet?

I would wait until you have the BMD results come back. No one is ever completely ready for their first child, but the other issues can be sorted out. How long before the test comes back?

By the way, I was in my late 30's when I had my first and wish I had started sooner. But my first husband would not have been a good dad, so it all worked out.

Good luck with the test.

Hi.

Thanks for your opinion!

We're not sure when we get the results yet, 2 months ish. Doctors are pretty sure I am a carrier though.

There's genetic testing that can be done though, although most of it involves aborting an affected boy at 12 weeks.

It's something I think were really going to have to consider though.

As a teacher I would strongly advise against a PGCE year and a newborn baby at any point. We are both teachers and did our PGCEs over consecutive years (him first then me) and I would honestly say we wouldn’t have coped with the stress/long hours and scrutiny of a PGCE (you are essentially being a teacher and doing masters level assignments in tandem) along with having a newborn... with both you will need all the sleep you can possibly get! I recall 3am lesson planning for both of us, so would hate to be trying to do that and soothe a newborn.

Wait a year or 2 and let him get established and in a stable job, with supportive colleagues. It makes everything easier, hibestly

Hi, no comment on medical issue as I know nothing about it, however I trained as as a teacher, so know how tough it is and had my first baby 6 months ago - so know how tough that is too! PGSE year is incredibly difficult and stressful, I can't imagine having a baby at home to look after whilst doing it, even if i wasn't the main carer. The amount of work is insane - you have the workload of a teacher (already insane on its own), plus multiple uni assignments. You have basically no 'you' time or social life for a year - so basically no tine to enjoy a baby either (without letting your work slip). And as a new mum, having support from your partner when they are home is so important. I love looking after my DC but it is exhausting.

Obviously the first year or so of teaching is also stressful, but no where near as bad as PGCE.

As for the one bedroom issue - not so bad for you whilst baby is little, as they sleep in with you for a while anyway, however again very tough on your partner, as even if he's not doing any night care or feeds (which will be hard on you) they will still be woken by baby. Again I can't imagine trying to teach and study whilst majorly sleep deprived

Obviously people do do it, it's not impossible, but I'd really think about how much support you'd have from others and how 'hands on' you would want/expect DP to be. Also think ahead a little, what happens when you return to work, can you afford nursery? (Roughly £70-£80 a day where I live) Until you have a baby it's hard to comprehend how much is involved, totally all worth it of course, but you may find things a bit easier if you waited a year. Remember your partner may not be entitled to any paternity leave or pay either as a trainee or newly employed teacher.

You sound like you are thinking this through, and being young parents can be a great way to do things! However, I think there are few more things you need to get tied up before taking the plunge.

1. If your partner is going to be heading into a PGCE, be warned that this is a very stressful time for everyone and involves lots and lots of work! I would recommend getting all or most of it out of the way before a newborn baby appears on the scene. Speaking as someone who knows a couple of people doing PGCEs right now....!

1. If your partner is doing a PGCE and you are working full-time and will be the main breadwinner, you need to make sure your childcare options are watertight. That includes thinking about things like, what will you do when the baby is sick and can't go to daycare? You especially need to think about this carefully if your families are not very supportive right now.

1. I would get the mortgage and the genetic testing out of the way before you start. Would you be prepared to end a pregnancy with an affected boy? If so, you should have the genetic counseling etc. first, so that you are prepared and know what to expect should you need to do this. If not, you need to think, as a couple, about how you would handle the arrival of a child with a disability. If one of you needed to make a career sacrifice, who would it be? Could you count on family support? That kind of thing.

1. This has come up on Mumsnet again and again, but if you are planning to TTC in the next few years, I really recommend getting legally married first. (You don't have to do the wedding or make anything public--you can just sign the papers at the registry office quietly, then have a lovely big wedding in a few years' time and have plenty of time to plan it etc. The point is to make sure you and any future children are legally protected.)

When couples embark on property ownership and parenthood without being legally married, this can leave one member of the partnership very vulnerable in the event of a split or the death of the other partner. It is also a simple way of testing how committed the guy truly is--if he baulks at marriage, it's worth thinking about why.

1. Sort of related to 4, but men often mature more slowly than young women and are less likely to be ready for marriage and commitment at very young ages. That doesn't mean that your partner ISN'T (every young man is different), just that it's worth testing the waters first and making sure. Which is another reason why requiring him to legally commit himself first is a good way of testing whether he is really ready for this or not.

I would get your mortgage sorted first, make no mention of kids, if they ask in a round about way which they will say your not planning any for a few years.
Due to the affordability element of mortgage applications if they know you are having one or planning one they start considering childcare costs etc and this can effect how much they let you borrow.
We found out the hard way when I was 4 months pregnant and applying for additional borrowing. Also worth not mentioning any big spending plans eg cars!
Good luck with the medical tests x

Honestly, I would put things on hold until your partner has completed his training and you have a steady income. I rushed into having my first baby young and was in a similar situation re not living in a suitable house, myself and partner still being part-way through training etc. I look back now and think what on earth was the rush. Having a baby is wonderful but makes life incredibly hectic and stressful, so having a baby in a situation that is far from ideal (even if things do work out in the long term as they did for me) can be extremely trying. I also feel sad that I couldn't really just enjoy and cherish the pregnancy, the newborn and baby stage etc because everything was so hectic.
Right now a couple of years probably seems like it will take forever, but it will come by so quickly trust me. You'll still be very young as well

Just to add, we did consider having a baby the same year as my (now) DH was doing his PGCE. I am so glad we waited. We both are now qualified, had a lovely couple of holidays (European and further afield), had a lovely wedding and own our home. We would’ve struggled to do this with a baby in tow! Take your time there will be plenty of time for a baby and you will be glad you waited (honestly, even if it doesn’t seem like that now) I have colleagues younger than myself who have children and are wishing they had given themselves the chance to become homeowners and to travel first! As others have said getting a mortgage when you have dependents is harder.

Although I know everyone is different, I’d personally not try to get everything crammed into one year 😊

On reflection, I would advise waiting until your partner finishes the post graduate study and has some income. I was unfamiliar with the PGCE (I'm a Yank) and should have googled it before answering.

I know it's hard to ignore your desire for a baby but try to keep it at bay for a bit until your situation is more conducive to parenthood. And do get clarity on the medical issue, including genetic counseling if you test positive.

Thanks everyone for you opinions, they have helped, especially about the PGCE. I don't think we really thought about how hard next year is going to be for him.

I have spoken to my partner about everything and we have decided we'll wait until around this time next year before trying. Factoring in 9 months of pregnancy, we'll have a baby by the earliest Feb 2020 which will give him 6 months or so of a new job.

About getting a mortgage first, we do have a lot of financial support from both our families (both lower middle class) and my partner is an only child so I know his parents will support us no matter what. I know I mentioned our parents would be initially disappointed but I know, if by chance I did get pregnant they would still support us, both with looking after the baby for us if needed at times and financially.

With regards to marriage, we do want to get married one day, and we do love each other as much as any married couple do. But I think it's third on our priority list for things we're desperate to do. Buying a house and having a baby definitely come first.

With travelling and living a little first, in my honest opinion, neither of us have the urge to go abroad and see the world. We took a gap year in 2016 and volunteered in third world countries. We have been on relaxing holidays and adventure holidays. We've even been on girls and lads holidays too. So we've actually done a lot of things for our age and we feel completely fulfilled in regards to that now.

I think this next year we will focus entirely on saving, saving, saving and studying. Like I said we want our kids to have the best start in life and if it means waiting a year before we start our journey, I think it'll be worth it!

Sounds like a sensible plan OP good luck with it all!

I've done a PGCE and my partner is doing one now and I would DEFINITELY recommend waiting- it is one hell of a year. My oh is doing nothing but work right now. Our baby is due first term of his NQT year which is far from ideal and I'm worried about him coping... but imo PGCE really is incredibly demanding. Also think about paternity leave - your oh has to do a certain amount of PGCE days to pass and will neednto extend if absent. Tbf my oh won't get paternity leave either as he's not worked there long enough but as I said that's far from ideal! We waited until after the PGCE a) for my husband's sake (survival!) and b) to ensure a reasonable income when I'm not earning. Best of luck - there's never a 'perfect' time for a baby and it will always be hard but if you can avoid the hardest times then do consider that!

Sensible advice to get married from a legal point of view.

Have some struggles together first. Be sure you can do really hard things together, because there is nothing like having a baby to make the shit hit the fan. I've seen far too many people prioritise having a baby when it's all rosy and going well, then the baby comes along and the couple can't work together, be tired together, be depressed together, cope with sleeplessness, PND, a sick child, difficult toddler and it inevitably ends in a long running saga of bickering and passing the kid around. Be sure you really, really can handle being stuck with each other forever, because that's how long it will be if you have a child together.

I will go back under my stone now. Good luck. I wish I'd been ten or fifteen years younger when I started, but I'm very glad DH and I did ten years of testing to destruction first!

I've just read the thread about how people afford houses and the thing so many people are saying is - if you want to own - do it before kids. You're young, which in itself isn't a reason not to, but you may well live to regret it if you don't sort that first. You can have kids at 25 and have your future sorted. If you don't ever get on the ladder it will make retirement so so much harder.

I understand the urge but play the long game here.

Just so you know the flip side; I did my PGCE with a young baby and it was fine. Early drop offs to my mum/nursery etc and needing to make time in the evenings to work/plan/mark etc but I did it alone so if there’s two of you im assuming you’ll be around in the evenings to do baby duty etc? In my experience once you’re a qualified teacher you still have similar time constraints but there’s all that holiday time too...
Just thought I’d give my opinion so you could maybe see the other side too x

From a legal protection perspective, you need to get married first. You are very vulnerable if you don't. There is no such thing as common law marriage ie you lived together. You have much more rights if you do, especially if your career and earning capacity takes a hit when you have kids. There are so many women who get caught out by this. If you are so serious about each other, get married first!

If I were you I'd do mortgage, marriage, kids. You have time on your side so no reason not to build a solid base to build your family on.

Thanks for your replies.

I guess that we could just wait and get married, have a house etc. But if we did, we'd never actually ever feel ready and there'd always be a reason not to do it.

We also want to have kids young so we can experience life with them together, I guess that's just individuality. There's nothing wrong with waiting and there's nothing wrong with being young. We do want to provide for our kids and that's why we haven't just jumped straight into it.

I think we will probably wait 12 months or so before starting to try, just so we can get more money behind us and for my partner to get through his studies. I have no doubt once he starts actually working as a teacher we will be able to get a mortgage right away with the money we have saved. And with getting married... it all depends on when he will ask me

Why do you think that you would 'never feel ready' if you decide to get married and buy a house first??

Once you have a baby, you will find it much, much harder to save for a house. That is undeniable. You need to decide if you want to be homeowners or if you are happy to rent long term. It's ok if you do- but make it a choice not a situation you've fallen into.

Being married confers additional protections which are one thing if you have no children but really important if you do. If you become a SAHM and things don't work out with your OH then you aren't entitled to anything but child maintenance and that's not easy to get hold of if your partner is difficult about it. Marriage is not just 'a piece of paper' or 'a wedding'. And when one of you dies, it means that the 'estate' passes to the other, so if you do have a house together you won't have to pay inheritance tax and potentially lose your home.

Getting married is easy and cheap, buying a house is expensive but achievable on two decent salaries depending on where you are, having a baby will make both of those things harder but having them in place will make your life much easier in the long term.

And none of that means that you shouldn't have a baby while you're young - there's no reason for that at all! Just don't scupper your long term security because you don't want to wait a year or two. (old person talking here) when I was in my early twenties, a couple of years seemed interminable, now it seems like nothing at all and I wonder why I fussed about spending that amount of time doing something.

You probably won't be able to get a mortgage right away - NQTs are given a 1 yr contract pending passing the year. Lenders won't necessarily take the chance on him being made permanent as usually happens once final paperwork is completed in July 2020.

The order is marriage mortgage kids for a reason, and there's nothing wrong with discussing this as adults rather than waiting for a proposal that he doesn't realise is important

Exactly what @peodar has said! We got married in my nqt year, my permanent contract/my signing off of my nqt was the day before my wedding so my head phrased it as my wedding gift 😂 (he also gave me a bottle of bubbly, because he’s a nice guy). We got married, a month later got a mortgage and are just approaching our first wedding anniversary with baby due in less than 9 weeks!

It’s been a whirlwind of a year BUT we are now set. We had been together for 12 years previous to this and on many occasions thought about kids/marriage etc, but we decided it was best to wait until we were both in careers (he proposed weeks after I had my job offer, so we paid for the wedding in the year we were both earning a decent wage).

I’m not saying how we have done it is perfect, but we are strongly protected in homeownership, and if I go part time to care for our child I have some form of protection (not that for one second I believe it will be needed). Take your time, get yourselves sorted and then think about bringing kids into the world when you are stable. You’ll be glad you did if homeownership is your goal it’s so much easier to save for and to get a mortgage without dependents.

My boyfriend and I are 22 and just had our first baby in January. She wasn't planned, but I've never felt so sure about anything than I did when I found out I was pregnant and since having her. It's been hard - I've just finished my last year at uni so had been sitting exams/doing my dissertation whilst being a mum. I was still living at home when I fell pregnant and so my boyfriend and I luckily found a perfect flat and moved in together 19 days (!) before baby arrived. It's hard, money is harder to save - I'm not sure when, if at all, we'll manage to get a mortgage. I wouldn't change a thing though. I'm going back in a year to do my PGDE and I know we'll cope fine like we just did when I sat all my final exams these past few weeks. There's never a right time for a baby and there's always something else you should have in place. Ideally we would've been at least married (or even engaged) before DD arrived but it never worked out that way and I wouldn't change it for the world. It's totally your decision. It's sensible of course to make sure you have all the correct things in place- a good wage, a house, relationship security like marriage but it can still work out fantastically without all those things in place beforehand.

Hi OP

The problem with "I'll have a baby, and then marriage will happen when he asks me" is that sometimes it just never happens, the guy keeps shifting the goal posts, next year, no the year after that, oh, we'll do it after the second child, no, actually let's wait until we've moved into our new place, there's always a reason to wait a bit longer. By the time the woman realizes that the guy is never going to propose, she has often become financially dependent on the relationship to the point where walking away has now become very difficult. The Relationships board is full of these stories and they are often very sad.

If a woman is in a relationship and thinking about having a child, she should be making sure that the guy is 100% committed and wants to be with her long-term, absolutely no question, and sees himself growing old with her. Insisting on marriage (even if it's just quietly signing the papers in the registry office and not doing the wedding perhaps for several years afterwards) is a simple but reasonably effective test for how committed the guy is.

Instead of waiting for him to pop the question, why not talk about this with him? When a woman has a child, she is taking on some massive physical, career, financial, emotional risks on a man's behalf---she is absolutely entitled to demand commitment and legal protection in return. If he sees you as "the one" and is genuinely mature enough for all this parenthood stuff, he will be happy to spend a couple of hours in the reg. office signing some papers. If he hums and haws about making a legal lifelong commitment ("I'm just not ready" "We're not ready" "I'm not comfortable with marriage"), he is not emotionally ready for fatherhood either. Having a child should be approached as a lifelong pledge that the guy cannot walk away from.

Thanks for your further replies.

A few things, saving for a mortgage won't be a problem as we already have enough to put down on a small house now anyway, we just want to save more so we can go for our forever home first time, if we don't reach that it won't be a problem.

So if we can't get a mortgage right away in a new job for 12 months that's more than fine because we'll just have a baby in our current home until we can get a mortgage that's not a problem.

You might think I'm being naive but I'm not when I say me and my partner are 100% sure about each other, I've even heard from a few people he's thinking about proposing this year anyway. Like I said we've been together for 4 years and he's not 'that' type of guy. So for me, that isn't a worry.

We are two young people in good health at the minute and we will get married when the time is right.

Just wanted to echo what everybody else said about getting married.

It’s easy to think of getting married as a lesser priority, compared to buying a house and having children. But if you see getting married as having a big expensive party, you can always think of reasons to put it off on the grounds that you can’t afford it yet. The truth is, if you’re thinking of having children with someone and maybe giving up work or going part time so you can raise your kids yourself, it’s really important to be married. If you put your career on the back burner to raise children and then your relationship doesn’t work out in the long term, you’re so much better off if you’re married. I know that when you love someone and you have a strong relationship, it’s easy to think that won’t happen to you and you’ll stay together forever, but a lot of people think that and their relationships break down in unexpected ways. If you’re truly committed to each other and expect to be together forever, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by getting married. Even if you just go to a registry office with two witnesses and then do the party in five or ten years’ time when you’ve saved up enough money.

It sounds like you really want a baby and will be great parents. But you are really really young and time is on your side. I know it’s hard to be patient, but just try and contain yourselves a bit and do things in the right order.