Am I ready for a baby now?

[Rlb123]

I don’t really know how to start this.

Background info - I am currently 21 (22 in October) and my partner is 22 (23 next January). We’ve been together for 4 years now and since day one we’ve always talked about being parents. We moved into a one bedroom house on Sep 17 which we are currently renting from my Mum. I currently have a job working in a children’s home and my partner is about to start his PGCE year to become a teacher in September. We also have some savings between us, but until he has a full time permanent job (sep 19) we won’t be able to get a mortgage. Also, we are currently waiting to find out if I’m a carrier of BMD (Becker muscular dystrophy) which potentially could affect any sons I have.

My issue - I really want a baby. I know my partner wants one a lot too. I know that we don’t want to wait another year or even another month before we start trying. We came very close to trying this month but we decided against it at the last minute (I’m not on any contraception at the mo). I think the main reason for us not going ahead is for acceptance off my family as they have told me they think we’re too young and we need to live a little. For me and my partner, we have already been abroad volunteering done disney world and had our partying years so for me, I don’t care that we are kinda young. We thought that I was pregnant a couple of months ago, secretly, I really wanted it to be true and I think I kinda convinced myself that it was true, but it wasn't and I was surprisingly disappointed. My partners uni is another problem, it’s gonna take a while before he will have a solid income, although I do earn a decent amount to support us both and a newborn for a year. Then there’s the size of our house - 1 bed, it’s a huge bedroom but it’s not exactly big enough for us and a child (could do for a year with a small baby). And with waiting for crucial results on BMD at the minute, it has us both concerned that our children won’t be the same as others if they do inherit the disease. But I do think we will be very good, nurturing parents. My best friend has just had a baby and I can't get enough of her, at the same time I am seriously jealous because it's all I want at the moment. I do really want to give my kids the best start in life I can, I just hope having one now won't stop that from happening.

Do you think we should just go for it?
What should I say to my family if they question it?
Does it matter that we aren’t entirely 100% ready yet?

I agree, that it's more practical to be married first, however, I want a big white wedding with all my family etc.

I'd rather just get married in a few years with our kids at our wedding. I know it's not exactly the most ideal scenario but I know we're not gonna split anytime soon and we will be fine for another 5 years.

You want us to agree with you, most of us on here, like your parents are looking at the situation from the point of view of having been young, finding a career, worked all hours to make it work, having serious relationships, some that lasted, some that didn’t, finding the one (or thinking you had), had the baby. Had the arguments that come with having the baby. You don’t want to listen. You have made your mind up. Be very sure your DP wants this as much as you. Be very sure you won’t be jealous, resentful when he’s working hard day and night on his career and not helping you with baby and housework. Because to be good parents one of you needs a good steady job.

You may find it all unravels and you end up a single parent. And for your ages and non-marital status that is quite likely. Just make sure you have a plan B just in case.

It's good that you're going to leave it a year and hopefully some of the responses here will give you some things to think about.
I only know one person in a very wide circle who has the same partner at 31 that they had at 21. It happens of course but isn't that common.

You can still have a big white wedding with all your family there in five years’ time even if you go down to the registry office and get the piece of paper tomorrow. Nobody even has to know you’re already legally married if you don’t want to tell them.

I think what worries me about your posts is that you don’t seem to understand the legal significance of marriage and how being married would give you certain legal protections which you wouldn’t otherwise have. It goes both ways, but it’s usually more important for the woman as she is the one who will have to take time out of her career to have a baby and she’s more likely to be the one who puts her kids first and her career second.

In my view you should both take the time to properly inform yourselves about the legal implications of being married as opposed to just living together (just living together you have almost no protection if the relationship breaks down or one of you dies).

And once you’ve done that and fully informed yourself, if one of you doesn’t want to make that kind of legal commitment to the other, maybe you shouldn’t be having kids together just yet.

Try to separate the legal contract from the party and the big white dress in your mind. Sure, most people do it all on the same day, but you don’t have to.

If you’re not ready for all that just yet, maybe hold off on the baby making plans. There really is no rush. Wait until you are actually ready to commit to each other (and are more financially secure) and give your children a better start in life.

I can't comment on the health side of things but as a trainee teacher I would strongly recommend waiting to start a family until after your partner has completed his PGCE and NQT years. I'm almost at the end of my first PGDE year so my NQT year is next academic year and we are purposely waiting until July 2019 to start our family (we are adopting so it's a slightly different process for us, but still!)

Hi op, I don't know anything about Becker muscular dystrophy. Just wanted to add though that I have a genetic condition and there is 50% chance I can pass it to any children I have. I just wanted to let you know (you might know already) that there is an option called PGD (pre genetic diagnosis) which involves doing IVF. This way all embryos are tested prior to being inserted. The embryos that have bmd can be discarded and you could use only ones without. It is a very personal (and expensive) decision to do something like this. However to me it is a better option than considering aborting a much wanted baby at 12 weeks that has the condition. My condition has had very little impact on my life and does not effect quality of life so opted to just conceive naturally and have my children. If bmd is something that will have a serious impact on your child's quality of life or means they will need special care etc it might be something that appeals to you.

You and your partner sound lovely so wish you the best of luck whatever you decide x

Thanks for your replies again.

I just want to let you know why to me marriage is less important than other things.

My parents were married when I was born, they were completely hostile, the worst of the worst. When they finally did get a divorce, which cost them a fortune in court bills and divorce bills my mum wished she'd never even got married.

I always swore I'd not just get married for the sake of having children and I'd never put my children through that because it was really traumatising for me. To be honest, until very recently I always swore I'd never get married, but I've changed my mind the longer I'm with my partner.

I think there are benefits of being married. But there are lots of benefits for not being married as well.

Also, no one knows what the future will be. The statistics may be against us but that's not to say that we won't last nor does it say we will. Statistics say 1 in 2 marriages at any age end in divorce too, that doesn't mean people go into their marriages thinking 'what's the point, statistics say were more than likely gonna divorce anyway'. So I'm not going to think that with my current relationship.

Having money to support, a loving partner and a mortgage are definitely the building blocks to a happy family in my opinion. Right now, we're not quite there yet and I have taken these comments on the thread very seriously.

Thanks for all your help

We've struggled with genetic issues. I would really strongly recommend you wait for the results and see a genetic counsellor to really understand the options for testing etc before you start trying. It would have helped so much to have the info beforehand. I'd also look online e.g. Facebook or yahoo groups to see if there are any BMD carrier support groups.

It would definitely be useful to have some savings behind you. Just in case of emergencies and to give you both wiggle room with working, studying etc. One of the nice things about your age is having the freedom to chop and change with this without worrying about supporting a family. It would be a shame to give that up too soon.

At 21 at least the one thing you have on your side is time. There's no harm in delaying TTC for six months, even a couple of years. Your LO will still be close in age to your friend's baby, if that's what is making you want to go for it ASAP.

Hey, I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I turned 19 in February.
This baby was fully planned, I am married and we are renting a house. I've never been into partying and me and DH are very mature for our ages- in our opinion and in the opinion of family members (he's 21, will be 22 when baby is born). He's in the army so that does help us out a bit, we get to rent a large 2 bed house for under £200 a month which really does help us out, we could have a baby living outside of the camp but we would be a lot tighter for money.
I don't work due to pelvic pain I've had even before becoming pregnant which has made it near impossible for me to work so have a think about complications during pregnancy that could possibly stop you from earning and affect how easy the money situation would be?
Feel free to inbox me with anymore questions!

I would say (for me), no. You are absolutely not ready for a baby. All those people on here wondering why they have no money and no ability to save. No security of marriage and huge pressure on their time and energy and mental health, a lot if it can be tracked back to having kids before marriage, before setting up a home and before setting up a job. It can be hard even having everything in place. But having a baby makes all those things harder and in some/many cases unachievable. It just undercuts you. Now it’s completely your choice so if you feel you will be one of the exceptions to that, or just don’t care because having a baby is most important, then go for it.

Thanks for your replies.

It's nice to hear that it has worked being young, me and my partner are very mature for our ages too! I still do think we'll wait another 12 months to get more money though and my partner through his PGCE 100%.

With BMD issues, We have been to a genetic counsellor a few weeks ago and she discussed all of the options with us. She really helped us with what we wanted etc. When I get results we will be making another appointment to discuss these options further. My younger brother suffers from BMD and that's how we know it's in my family. I'm lucky to be very aware of how it affects people. For us, we've decided we don't want our children to go through what he has. (He's 18 and can't work anymore or won't be able to walk in the next 10 years at all). I've spoken to him about potentially aborting his nephew (as it only affects males) and he said that he would be happy to support me during this as he doesn't want any of his family to go through what he has. So we are very lucky in that respect.

I've just read this thread and I really want to give an update because literally so much has changed!

I got pregnant shortly after this! It wasn't planned, but we weren't stopping anything if you know what I mean!! We then bought ourselves our first little 3 bed family home which is beautiful and just how we want it!!

We welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world in March and is now 3 months old! Can't believe how fast it's going.

My partner is due to finish his PGCE tomorrow and has passed with flying colours! (He's been amazing juggling everything he has this year and is still an amazing dad)!

I found out I was a carrier of BMD sadly :( and when I actually got pregnant the thought of an abortion was far too much, so we have an appointment in August to find out if he has the disorder too but we're fully prepared!

I don't think I'd have believed you if you told me that my life would be the way that it is now a year ago!

Another update.

Baby boy no.2 came February 2021!

First born doesn't have BMD but our littlest does.

I'm nearly 25 now and we have achieved so much in such a small time. We are still absolutely together, 7 years and counting. We are engaged and have our wedding booked summer 2023! Best part is, we get to have our boys there!

Just read through this whole thread and that is the loveliest outcome ever! So happy for you OP, and congratulations