can't afford my baby but don't want abortion

[BrokeWithBump]

first post sorry if I'm wrong place. i have been on pill since 16 i am now 23 and been with my fiance 4 years engaged last 6 months. havent started wedding planning as can't afford for few years and althougg both want kids we planned to try in about 5 years. i don't understand what's happened as have been on pill for years but officially pregnant. after 4 positive tests and forcing docs to confirm i have to deal with this now. i want to be happy but i am 10 grand in debt my fiancé is in about 11 grand debt i earn minimum wage and he earns an ok salary but not a lot spare cos paying off debts. we rent a flat so have a home but i am so scared because i have gone over and over finances and i don't think we can afford this baby. we don't have savings we only reall have debts we have roof over our heads and jobs but didn't imagine this soon.this baby is sowanted now it's here but i cant see a way to financially survive this. i havent told my fiancé he is 30 and wants Kids so bad.. we agreed to give it 5 years to get out of debt and save up but if i tell him now he will be so happy regardless but i think i have to look at other options as it's not fair to have a child and not afford the life they deserve. does anyone have any advice or personal experience of this.. Thanks in advance sorry for bad grammar...

Can you get advice on what benefits (child tax credits/ child benefit/ childcare vouchers or whatever there is currently) you'll get, to be sure you're doing your sums taking everything into account? Make sure that you have all the information.

My partner was in £16,000 of debt when we had our son.
He made token payments on the debts which citizens advice helped us set up - £1.00 a month on each debt, this we did until our son turned 3 when childcare was free so we managed to save and pay them off then. In my experience there are always options it's just finding them, we used step change and citizens advice they were both great!

So sorry you've found yourself in this situation, it must be really difficult. Only you can decide what to do, and it sounds like you're being really sensible and trying to make the right choice and want to be able to provide for your baby.

I feel though, that having an abortion when you don't really want to is something you'll find hard to get over. If you want to keep the baby, there's always ways of making the money work, although it will be a real struggle. Maybe have a look into what benefits you'd be entitled to?

Check out what benefits you'd be entitled to. Tax credits or universal credit, child benefit and possibly housing benefit. If you're low waged you may be better off with just one of you working and getting benefits as a top up.

Visit CAB and get some help to get your debts in order.

I had DS when DP and i had no jobs (both students). We found we were actually quite a bit better off once we had a child because we spent very little on baby stuff. Definitely sit down and work out your finances before you make a decision

Contact step change.... they will help you consolidate debts and set up a realistic monthly payment.... we went from paying £750 per month to £200 with no interest being charged....! You will never have enough money for children.... x

Contact stepchange re maybe going for a DMP or ask creditors to accept token payments. I would hesitate to have an abortion for that reason but of course that is your choice if you want to wait until you are more financially secure. Check what benefits you are entitled to and maternity pay etc and cut down as far as possible and save like mad. Do a budget to see how you can manage. Many people have children in less than ideal financial circumstances and most cope ok. It means prioritising where you spend your money.

My partner was in a lot of debt when we had our son. We also worked min wage jobs. Two years later he's earning a high salary and I'm a student. Having a child could be the best thing you do! Things always work out in the end. Xx

First let me say I'm so sorry for the dilemma you're facing. I can't imagine how hard this must be. The thing that stood out for me from your post is that you do want this baby. I feel, personally, that if you were to go for an abortion when you want the baby it would be a tremendous thing to overcome emotionally and quite different to if you weren't sure or didn't want one.

Equally though I fully recognise the stress the financial situation must be putting you under. I had £6k of debt recently that I've just managed to clear and it drove me to breaking point with worry. I have found though, over the years, that things always work out somehow, financially. Can you speak to the bank, your employer, and your local authority about your financial difficultly? No need to mention a baby into the mix of it, just see if there's any help available.

My partner and I aren't well off and are currently trying to conceive. I'm 28 and found out that it's going to be more difficult than I previously thought to conceive. It's funny how now that we know that, the money side of things doesn't matter so much any more. A completely different situation so I'm not implying that you should or would feel differently in my position, just trying to highlight how your perception on things can sometimes change.

Ultimately, whatever you decide try your best to take any feelings of guilt out of the decision. It's so easy to beat ourselves up, whichever way we go, and won't help when you need as much compassion toward yourself as possible. I would also really advise speaking to your partner as a first priority but that's just me. Whatever happens good luck and I hope it's a positive outcome for you both, whatever that may look like :)

thanks all.. although we have debt we are not currently struggling we do meet all our repayments and are paying the debt off properly.. we get by each monthly but the cost of child would change that.. when read about putting all debt into lower payment got scared.. sounds like it messes up credit and is like defaulting?? The baby would be so loved but we can't afford a baby andto keep paying the amount on debts we currently do so would have to default or admit we can't pay and possibly ruin our chances of ever getting approved for morgage, aswell as having a baby that we can't afford to give everything they deserve.. i know i will regret abortion as i do want this baby i just wish we'd had time to financially prepare...

You have time to prepare over the next 8 or so months. I wouldn't have an abortion knowing you will regret it. Wishing you luck. 😃

Hi OP. We went through similar thoughts before our ds was born. I was petrified and couldn't sleep and unfortunately didn't enjoy pregnancy as much as I should of as I was so scared about finances. The moment my son was born it changed. My son didn't need fancy toys or a flash bouncer. He just needed us. When that beautiful bundle is born your priorities change- you spend money on different things. You go out less, you change habits. We have debts we are still paying off but we are no way as bad as I had originally thought. We pay off every month and hubby in much better job now. We relocated to cheaper rented property. We are now stable and happy.

It's a tough decision and abortion crossed my mind at the time but I am so glad I didn't do it. I love my ds more than anything. He makes the little sacrifices worth it. You can make it work. There is always a way.Good luck xx

Hi OP.
As pp said have you checked about tax credits and housing benefits?

You don't need to spend masses on new baby. You can get second hand things very easily and that will help massively. For the first year they can sleep in with you (Taking the need away for getting 2 bedroom place straight away). The child care elememnt of tax credits can pay up to 70% of childcare costs. There are lots of books about parenting on a tight budget.

I had my dc on my own in my early 20s and at the time I was leaving at my mum's. I moved out a few months later into my own place. I also was on minimum wage and no support from bio dad.

You can do this (if you want to keep baby).

Xxxx

Realistically it's going to increase the time it takes to pay off the debts. Having a child is a speedbump in terms of finances. And as you've said you won't have as much money to spend on baby stuff. It will be tough but it's not the end of the world. Babies don't need lots of stuff, and what they "deserve" is really your love and attention, not the most high rated pram or whatever.

You can get so much second hand as well - keep an eye out for NCT nearly new sales, and join a facebook selling group (even if you "unfollow") but this is what babies really need:

Somewhere to sleep - can find second hand plus Ikea/amazon mattress for £20. Or new Ikea cot for £39. Second hand sheets or cheap on amazon. Blanket/baby sleeping bag again cheap second hand.

Car seat - Joie Juva is a cheap one from birth-1 year and will go in any car. If you'd prefer one which lasts longer the Joie Tilt will last until about 3.5 but is less convenient as stays in the car.

Way to transport - you can pick up a second hand pushchair very cheaply. Don't buy the first thing you see. Have a look at a few and pick something up later in the pregnancy.

Clothes - again VERY cheap second hand, supermarkets, etc.

Nappies and formula you'll have to buy, if you use these. You can get cloth nappies cheaper sometimes and some councils offer cashback. If breastfeeding, breast pads and a couple of nursing bras.

That's about it? You don't NEED anything else - they are all nice to have. You can bath the baby in the sink until it can sit up in the bath. Use towels and washcloths you already have. They aren't interested in toys and books until later and when they are - charity shop, sales, amazon, facebook, ebay.

Very true bertie. Also to add, you can buy a bag of nappies at weekly food shop throughout pregnancy to get stocked up so it won't hurt the bank and you won't panic that you will run out.

True but remember to get a range of sizes and different brands in case some suit your baby better than others. I don't think we ever used size 1.

A lot of good advice here OP. It sounds like it would be something you would regret if you aborted just due to money concerns but you're the one that needs to make this decision.

Another thought on cost saving which might not be for you but it's saved us a fortune. Consider reusable (washable) nappies. You can get them very cheap second hand (not as gross as it sounds). That combined with reusable wipes and you can get through until potty training spending £100 or less on nappies. You can get flushable liners so you don't have to deal with the poo. It's honestly saved us a fortune.

The other thing I'd do is do a lot of prior reading about breastfeeding and use the support available (la leche league are brilliant if you have a group nearby). If you can avoid the cost of formula that's another big saving.

The biggest costs are loss of earnings and childcare. Do you have help nearby? Check out your maternity policy to see what you're eligible for.

Another cost saving option, rather than a bassinet most areas in the U.K. Will give you a free baby box with waterproof mattress for baby to sleep in if you watch a few educational videos. Google baby box university.

Somewhere for baby to sleep for the first few months.

Honestly, there's a lot of help out there if you know where to look

Ideally you would have paid off your debts before having a baby, which is very sensible. However, baby is on the way now, if you want the baby then you will find ways to cope, people do. You will get help (child benefit etc) and realistically babies don’t need much, breastfeeding (if you can) helps keep initial costs down too. You can make it work.

I had an abortion 10 years ago with my now DH due to similar circumstances. Debt, although less and we were saving to get married and wanted to buy a house. We knew that in our case if we had a child at that point we would never afford to buy due to living in the south east and also expensive childcare costs. I had the abortion with a heavy heart and was very much on auto pilot. DH actually said to me after that he hoped I'd have come out and have changed my mind.

It's such a personal thing. I am so glad I did it as we now have all the things we wanted in life including 2 healthy children and another on the way. I never thought this would happen in a million years. BUT I will always feel sad about it and wonder what if.

Having had 2 children I know how cheaply it can be done. Clothes and toys can be bought second hand and don't cost a lot. We always stock up on nappies and wipes during pregnancy. Priorities just change.

Check out your benefit entitlement and look at your childcare options. What jobs do you both have? Could you work opposite hours or one of you go part time? There can be lots of ways to make it work.

i don't qualify for tax credits.. child benefit only £80 a month... am too scared to tell my fiancé as it'll break his heart if I decide to not proceed.. can't afford this. we aren't financially ready I am heartbroken... totally and utterly

If you earn minimum wage how don't you qualify for tax credits once you have a baby?

@catinapoolofsunshine filled in questionnaire online again and again every time. At the end it says i am entitled to £0.. am i doing it wrong

Why don't you give the money advice service a call as it sounds like you're not that well informed about loans/credit ratings etc? They'll probably help with calculating benefits too as we can't see if you're doing the form wrong or not but you don't want to put personal details on a forum.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en

It's free.

You may not be entitled to them now (under 25) but when you have the baby you will be entitled to them. Try filling in the eligibility test as if you already have your baby to get an idea :)

Perhaps citizens advice can help you or a visit to the council who may be able to provide some guidance?

If you want this baby then most things can be overcome x