can't afford my baby but don't want abortion

[BrokeWithBump]

first post sorry if I'm wrong place. i have been on pill since 16 i am now 23 and been with my fiance 4 years engaged last 6 months. havent started wedding planning as can't afford for few years and althougg both want kids we planned to try in about 5 years. i don't understand what's happened as have been on pill for years but officially pregnant. after 4 positive tests and forcing docs to confirm i have to deal with this now. i want to be happy but i am 10 grand in debt my fiancé is in about 11 grand debt i earn minimum wage and he earns an ok salary but not a lot spare cos paying off debts. we rent a flat so have a home but i am so scared because i have gone over and over finances and i don't think we can afford this baby. we don't have savings we only reall have debts we have roof over our heads and jobs but didn't imagine this soon.this baby is sowanted now it's here but i cant see a way to financially survive this. i havent told my fiancé he is 30 and wants Kids so bad.. we agreed to give it 5 years to get out of debt and save up but if i tell him now he will be so happy regardless but i think i have to look at other options as it's not fair to have a child and not afford the life they deserve. does anyone have any advice or personal experience of this.. Thanks in advance sorry for bad grammar...

Sorry you are in this situation. As PP have said, babies are really not expensive. You can get away with only spending a couple of hundred pounds to get everything you need for the first year if you don't mind second hand stuff, bar nappies which cost about a pound a day if you get them on deals. It would not be grabby to ask for nappies/cash if people ask what you would like as a baby gift.

What IS expensive is childcare. So I would have a really hard look at maternity/paternity pay (is your DP entitled to paid shared parental leave?) and cost of nurseries or childminder in the area. Also bear in mind that you still have nine months to continue paying off debts as you are now and another year (?) until you need childcare.

Sending you hugs, I really feel for you.

My DH and I were also up to the eyeballs in debt and were ONLY just breaking even and sometimes going backwards.

We were terrified. But we calculated that if we waited until debt free or until we were in a better position we’d be waiting for years on end, and he’s ten years older than me.

So, perhaps recklessly, we went for it. I was very fortunate to breastfeed until she was almost 2 (no bottles/formula/sterilising costs) and we still bedshare now (no cot!). We got almost everything second hand, except for the odd treat of a lovely baby grow! Ask around any friends and family who’ve got young kids. We found many were desperate to get rid of stuff and our lo is almost completely clothed in hand me downs (through choice - I LOVE that her friend/cousin/aunt once wore that outfit!).

It was hard at times, and we had some struggles. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. I also found that many of my family said (when I mentioned financial worries) that somehow babies just work themselves out... and they really do.

So I guess what I’m tryibg to say is, please don’t despair. No matter how desperate it might seem. I highly agree with pp about going to citizens advice, they were incredibly helpful for us.

On the flip side, you’re younger than we were, which may affect your sense of how much time you have.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. FWIW, I think you should include your partner in this. Tell him the news and tell him very openly about your fears. Your decision is based on your joint situation so responsibility for whatever you decide shouldn’t have to be yours to bear alone. Yes, he might talk you out of an abortion, but that might be because he can see a way through it.

My last thought, there’s probably no wrong decision here. And it’s an awful one you have to be making. There could be regret on both sides of the coin, but whatever you decide will be the right one for you.

Sending hugs

Babies are honestly not that expensive. Breast feed, cloth nappy and get a bundle of onesies from asda, babywear instead of pushchair. Moses basket instead of cot.
You don’t need to spend a fortune, a baby just needs to be loved for the first 6 months, from now until then just put a bit aside, including the child benefit and tax credits (maternity pay?) to pay out.
Also if you go to citizens advice and pay less than you should or get a debt relief order it only stays on your credit record for 6 years.
I think this baby is really meant to be x

Hi OP

Sorry to hear about your financial situation, it’s a shame the circumstances have made your pregnancy a difficult rather than happy piece of news.

I’m pro choice and I support a women’s right to get an abortion for any reason. Not wanting to continue a pregnancy because the timing isn’t right and you’re not in a position to support a child financially is a completely valid, sensible and understandable reason. But if you want to continue the pregnancy, I think you could find a solution to your money worries and make it work. It would be tough but doable.

I suggest you do two things:

1. Visit or contact Citizens Advice to discuss your options for dealing with your debts - there are plenty of options that won’t have a negative impact on your credit rating; for example reducing repayment amounts is not the same as “defaulting” on your debts. Citizens Advice can also check your benefit entitlement after the baby is born.
2. Ask your GP, or call the helpline for BPAS or Marie Stopes to ask about counselling, so you can talk to someone impartial which should help you make your decision and feel at peace with it. I think this is really important especially as you’ve chosen not to discuss it with your fiancé yet (which is your right and is probably wise if you don’t want to be influenced by his opinion at this stage).

Oh and one more thing which I don’t think has been mentioned. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy you are likely to be eligible to apply for social housing, which is worth doing as the rent will be lower than renting privately. You are unlikely to be high priority (so unlikely to get anywhere quickly) but it’s still worth getting on the list.

I haven't RTFT sorry.

I would say think back to when families were typically large and you would have 10 children, 2 adults in a 2 bed house. My Grandparent is from a large family, spread over time. They always found a way.

If you genuinely don't want an abortion there's so much you can do, it shouldn't alter your lifestyle that much, over how having a new baby changes your lifestyle anyway.

I would think about how this would impact you in the long term emotionally.

Ultimately of course entirely your decision, but I believe most people could make big savings even if not pregnant.

PS Just to clarify, Citizens Advice can tell you now what benefits and tax credits you would be entitled to after the baby is born. (I didn’t phrase it right in my first post!)

OP you definitely need to talk to your partner before making a desicion. It’s his situation too, after all. You may find his support to be a great comfort. I think it may cause problems if you decide to have an abortion without telling him.

If you decide to proceed with the pregnancy there is a lot of support available but some of it is area specific. Children's centres and churches often help. Certain churches will provide clothes for the baby regardless of the recepients religion.

Op if you are minimum wage you will prob find that you are better off after having a child assuming your dp is not a high earner.

Do you have any family you can ask for help? I would hate my dd to be considering abortion over what in the grand scheme of things is a small amount of money.