Hand me down thoughts?

[Alanares89]

Hellloooooooo

I know I’ll probably get back lash from people on this surrounding this situation and maybe I deserve it, but I’m going through my first pregnancy, I’m 8 weeks not even had a scan yet and my mum and family are all talking about hand me down from people, like bouncers, Moses baskets and other stuff, and I’m totally against getting any from other people, I have a good job aswell as my partner and we really are not in a bad financial situation at all. I’ve told my mum it’s my first pregnancy and I’ll be buying what I want, as I can be quite fussy. My mum thinks I’m being unreasonable and is now putting me in a situation to say no thank you to these people, who were probs thinking I would be over the moon with their generosity.

I was brought up poor and money was always tight, and I’m not slagging off hand me downs, but I don’t feel the need to take off people when I can afford to buy from the shops, plus I do like things really clean, I’m super anxious about my pregnancy and find I’ve been crying a lot aswel as I’m totally overwhelmed with it all.

I’ve my mum about 10x I don’t want the stuff and she’s still applying the pressure and thinks I’m “mad” for not taking it, anyone else feel the same as me?

I don't feel the same as you (i love hand me downs!) but it's completely and utterly your decision, and of course no one should make you feel bad for wanting to buy your own things. Just be firm with your mum, she can think what she wants, and I'm sure people will understand if you explain that you really appreciate them thinking of you, but you're excited to buy your own things, so thanks but no thanks.

We got loads of brilliant second hand stuff when i was expecting dd, but a few people did take the opportunity to get rid of stuff that really should have gone to the tip

If you are super anxious then you need to speak to your midwife as depression in pregnancy is more common than post natal depression.

It is entirely up to you if you won’t take hand me downs. I was a bit like this at first but now I know that some things are only used for a matter of weeks I have a different opinion. I would not take anything from a house with a smoker or have a second hand mattress or car seat.

In the area I live if it is working class to have all need and middle class to use second hand things. Just observation that some areas it is very acceptable.

I was so precious and insisted we buy only expensive first hand everything for PFB. Less than a year in and I already realise how ridiculous it is and how better you can spend money than on an £80 activity mat however much you earn.

Buy some stuff new but also getting toys second hand from relatives or on facebook for half the price or free is so worth it as they're often in brilliant condition and your child will play with them for two weeks and then want something else.

I think you are daft but within your rights to say no.

We got most things second hand in the end and it was all great quality due to the fact that babies use equipment for such short periods of time. Our Moses basket was only used for 4 weeks by its previous owners. I got new sheets and a new mattress and it was just as good as new.

My mums a typical Glaswegian granny, just wants to save me as much money as possible, which I get, my sister took a lot a hand me downs which she really needed due to her income and it really saved her, so I know how good hand me downs can be but I’m very uptight!
I’ve totally forgot my roots and where I’ve came from I think lol

I bought most of my stuff 2nd hand for my first DD and lots of it came from well meaning friends who had clothes etc that had new labels on them or had been worn once. I’m in a position to be able to afford things but I thought about how little babies get out of things. Like you, we didn’t have much money growing up so I did feel awful turning down some things.

There were things we bought new like cot, Moses basket (due to SIDS) and pram due to fact I wanted to be able to use them for more than one baby and not worry about giving stuff back to people.

I would say, as your in the early stages, maybe tell your mum your not planning on getting things until after say 30 weeks, she doesn’t have to know.

Can you not look on it as recycling rather than hand me downs? So much baby stuff is very quickly outgrown and good-as-new - why not reuse it instead of generating more 'stuff' for landfill?

But there’s so many new mums out there who are freaking out about money who need free stuff more than I do, I’m all for charity shops and giving hand me downs to people in need, i would never bin any off my baby’s stuff, and I would give my stuff away freely to anyone but I just don’t feel I should take advantage off peoples genorosity

@Alanares89 I felt exactly the same as you, both DH and I have well paid job, this is our first DC and we were adamant that apart from a few bits we were going to buy everything ourselves. We are luck in that both our parents wanted to buy the pram for us so that was one of the most expensive things out of the way.

However, we then went and did some research on how much everything costs. You may be in a well paid job now, but you'll be going on maternity leave soon and should you be taking a year off (I know I will) your wage will be essentially cut in half.

We decided that we'd buy the pram brand new, the car seat, a new mattress for the cot (MIL has DHs cot in the loft so it has sentimental value) and we'd buy one of those Chicco 4 in 1 things as they last for years. After that we'd be happy to have hand me downs from friends or family (my DS has a 4 month old daughter so will be getting rid of baby stuff by the time we have ours).

There's nothing wrong with a bucket of bleach, some elbow grease or if you're like me, the dishwasher!

I understand how you feel but honestly, do some research on what you think you'll need, what you want and how much it all costs. Its shocking.

If you want new stuff then just be firm. I was fussy and bought all new other than clothes, I'm not into clothes at all so it didn't matter to me. I bought second hand clothes for baby but didn't want hand me downs from friends because I found out they were expecting them back. I have anxiety issues and the stress of worrying about stains, rips etc was too much. Just don't do what I did and accept bags of second hand clothes only to keep them in the loft for a year before giving them back, it takes up too much room

You're mad to be even thinking of buying anything before 30 weeks anyway.

I would never turn down a second hand item but each to their own.

I know I’ll maybe wait and see how I feel, maybe some toys and things I would take, I used to work in a baby shop so I’m aware how much it costs and yeah it does make me feel even more sick than I feel on a daily basis! I think I am just really overwelmed right now, and anything can set me off! My mum does really need to listen to what I say right enough lol

I was thinking the same way until I made a list of everything I think we’ll need and researched costs. Now I can’t wait to get my hands on the baby items my sister has promised me (although it helps that we have similar taste). She is going to save me a fortune which I can then use for other things e.g. funding those last three months of unpaid maternity leave!

I buy almost everything secondhand for the twins - not because we don’t have money but because you realise that baby stuff is a) insanely overpriced and b) much of it is used for five bloody minutes and is still like new anyway!

The other day I bought some new toys for them on amazon. It cost me £80. They’ve probably spent less than 10 mins playing with it all collectively, and I could have bought the same stuff second hand from someone like me for about £10, just as unused.

It’s just common sense. I’ve bought new cots, mattresses, car seats etc and clothes I really like but most of the time as babies they’re in sleepsuits anyway.

Honestly op I was the same for my first born for at least the first few months. Then when money starts getting tighter and you realise that the baby just pukes in it and is in it for about 2 months or something that's when I decided 2nd hand was ok
It's totally fine to feel the way you do and honestly if I had the money I would probably still buy a lot of new things! Stick to your guns and maybe just take a few token small things to pacify, that you don't need to use

Just tell your Mum you’re only 8 weeks and you’re too superstitious to discuss anything until after your 20 week scan. That should but you a bit of breathing room.

But definitely reconsider you stance on second hand. Refuse anything that the baby sleeps in like a Moses basket or a car seat but travel systems are so overpriced, if someone is willing to give you one in good condition I’d jump at it (you can always replace the fabric). Also bouncers/jumperoos are used for such a short period of time, give them a good clean and they will be fine. Clothes are also a godsend, between the spit-up and nappy explosions it’s not worth getting expensive clothes for small babies so I’d be grateful for these too. Just give them a good wash. And it doesn’t stop you enjoying buying bits for your baby too!

I felt the same with my first. I just wanted to choose my own things, not be forced to have other people's stuff or taste.

Try and keep your mum onside; tell her you’re feeling a bit over-whelmed at the moment and won’t be buying, or collecting, anything from anywhere for a while.

We bought a mixture of new and second hand stuff for DC 1, but the 2nd hand stuff was MCT nearly new - so we went and picked what we wanted, we didn't just get handed stuff by people.

Mow expecting DC 2 after a big age gap so we don't have DC 1's stuff any more. We're still buying 2nd hand if we see something we like (Facebook marketplace etc.) but I'm much happier to receive other second hand / hand me down stuff. I may just be less fussy with DC 2, as they'd have had older sibling's stuff anyway if they'd arrived a few years' earlier, but I also know how much childcare etc. will cost so am happy to save money where we can to keep in reserve for care, toddler swimming classes, car seats etc. - experiences and the stuff you can't really buy second hand.

Not sure what happened to my ability to type N.

They should be NCT and Now expecting DC2

I'm the same as you, we earn more than enough to get everything brand new and originally I wanted all new things of my choice. But I'm happily accepting everything people offer and I'll sort through, take what I need and pass what I don't want on. It's really not a big deal, just take it, wash it if you want it or give it to friends/charity or for free on local pages if you don't. We may have money but I'd still rather not waste it, especially with a year of £145 per week! You can also use as spares for Grannies house ect. Most things are plastic or can be washed with detol, apart from mattresses. A lot of things will be like new anyway!

Thanks everyone for your feedback! I think I will look into hand me downs a bit more, I have calmed down a bit! Oh I’m certainly not buying anything for a while anyways, I am superstitious, but my mums just far too excited lol

X

I’m with you on this completely. With my first DC I just felt so bad refusing people’s offers of generosity so accepted them even though a lot of it wasn’t to my taste. With DC 2&3 I grew a backbone and just explained I would be choosing and buying my own things to my taste. It may seem harsh but I completely understand being a little fussy. I did buy a lot of second hand clothes on eBay though, mostly because babies grow like wildfire so there’s just no point buying new.

If you want new stuff then buy new stuff it's your baby and it's nice to buy exactly what you want. I spent a lot of money on my pram which might be a foolish amount to some people but I really loved it. However getting stuff second hand has nothing to do with how much you earn or how much new stuff you can afford. A lot of baby stuff gets barely used so it's a good idea to pass them on to friends or family. Just because you are happy to use hand me downs certainly doesn't mean you can't afford new. I got some amazing stuff given to me and I was thrilled.