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Original poster

Hand me down thoughts?

51 replies

Alanares89 · 10/04/2018 15:00

Hellloooooooo

I know I’ll probably get back lash from people on this surrounding this situation and maybe I deserve it, but I’m going through my first pregnancy, I’m 8 weeks not even had a scan yet and my mum and family are all talking about hand me down from people, like bouncers, Moses baskets and other stuff, and I’m totally against getting any from other people, I have a good job aswell as my partner and we really are not in a bad financial situation at all. I’ve told my mum it’s my first pregnancy and I’ll be buying what I want, as I can be quite fussy. My mum thinks I’m being unreasonable and is now putting me in a situation to say no thank you to these people, who were probs thinking I would be over the moon with their generosity.

I was brought up poor and money was always tight, and I’m not slagging off hand me downs, but I don’t feel the need to take off people when I can afford to buy from the shops, plus I do like things really clean, I’m super anxious about my pregnancy and find I’ve been crying a lot aswel as I’m totally overwhelmed with it all.

I’ve my mum about 10x I don’t want the stuff and she’s still applying the pressure and thinks I’m “mad” for not taking it, anyone else feel the same as me?

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Cutesbabasmummy · 10/04/2018 16:02

I agree with you OP. I did accept a beautiful second hand cotbed from my friend as it fitted in with the room and was in very good condition. Everything else was new. MY SIL loaned me a moses basket with some sheets and I was so horrified by the condition (it was my other sister in law's with 3 kids before) it went straight in the attic and the sheets went in the bin. I bought a lovely new one from Mothercare instead and shoved the old one in the attic and gave it back after 5 months!!

AGreatBigPonk · 10/04/2018 16:09

YANBU - I found that lots of people liked to offload stuff that should have been binned and I ended up turning big bags of clothes down without even looking. This was after getting stuck with about 4 bin liners worth of scabby clothes that I had to sort and take to recycling or bin myself.

ClareB83 · 10/04/2018 16:09

I'm more than happy with hand me downs but I point blank refuse any 'loans'. If they want it back they can keep it because I don't want to be responsible for returning it in the same condition. I want the freedom to be able to break/lose/throw up on etc anything as I am a clutz and babies produce so many disgusting fluids!

Plus I got offered some weird things - eg maternity clothes from friends who are a totally different size and shape.

Sunrise888 · 10/04/2018 16:12

I agree, if you can get things for free then take them. You'll have a lifetime ahead of buying extensive things stuff for children that you don't have a choice about. Think of it as saving money for your children for those times. So much second hand stuff we got was barely used, such good quality, better brands than we would normally have considered, and we have is much more choice than we would have given ourselves. After it was outgrown in a few weeks/months, we passed it on to others.

I can understand that you feel you are not bring listened to though. Just tell your mum and others offering you things that you are not ready to accept anything yet - maybe you will feel differently later. And if you do accept things but would still prefer new, let your mum/friends know that you've been offered lots of stuff and will pass on any surplus on if they are happy with that.

RosaBaby2 · 10/04/2018 16:25

I love hand me downs if they’re in good condition, I’ve been given some clothes that look like they’ve been used for 50 kids, I just sorted out the decent ones and got rid of the others.

It is very soon for taking or buying stuff, would it be useful to have any of it at your mums house for when you’re there? That’s what I do with the things I’m given that I don’t want bouncer/Moses basket/high chair etc. Pointless buying new stuff for my mums house too, I also will not take stuff on loan, that is far too much hassle.

Sorry if you’ve mentioned that already, I only skim read. Good luck with your pregnancy!

Snog · 10/04/2018 16:36

Make your own decision and do what makes you happy!
I bought pretty much everything second hand for my baby, would have loved for people to have given me stuff!
Then I sold it on afterwards so it hardly cost me anything meaning I could have a few more weeks off work on maternity leave.
I would far rather spend my money on other things but if you get happiness from buying new it's definitely your choice OP so put your foot down with anyone who tries to tell you what to do.

NelleB · 10/04/2018 16:54

I feel the same as you. We don’t need handmedowns. We are in a very fortunate position and I would prefer things to be given to people who need them. I’ve also said this for anything I buy if the worst was to happen, I would dontate it all.
It’s completely your choice.

BrandNewHouse · 10/04/2018 17:04

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NomsQualityStreets · 10/04/2018 17:10

I always wanted to buy brand new.

DS1 caught us out and we were not ready financially and ended up buying everything we needed in a huge bundle from DPs colleague (I'm talking cots down to prams and blinds). It was nice and very looked after but not what I would have wanted if we were prepared.

So when we were ready to TTC with DS2 I was already browsing all the brand new things I wanted to get. But then I added it up and checked out second hand sites like shpock I decided against it. I ended up browsing them regularly and saved hundreds of £££'s. Most of the things I bought from there are like brand new just don't carry the price tag.
Just to give you some examples (amongst other things) I saved around £300 on a pram, I bought a Moby wrap which sells for £60 for £10 still in the box, saved £70 on a baby monitor (also brand new in box), bought a changing table which I repainted for £10 and sold on for £30 (paint made huge difference), saved nearly £200 on a mamaroo rocker. The list goes on.

I only bought a few select bits brand new that I really wanted.

As time goes on you realise spending all that money would have been a big loss IMO.

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/04/2018 17:14

I don’t like them purely because I don’t think babies need much and already have what I need. I certainly don’t think other people’s things are dirty and even though we are financially well off I also don’t think that plays a part in my decision in the slightest. I don’t look down on people who do it or even think of their financial situation (seems weird to consider only struggling people would get handmedowns).

I think people should cycle what they have because it prevents waste... but as I said, I don’t think babies need much and too much baby stuff just annoys me. Babies don’t need most of it.

I have a MIL who buys us so much stuff, we are grateful she’s excited but it feels so wasteful because we won’t use it... so we will hand them down to other people again, as new, and hope they don’t think we are dirty

GummyGoddess · 10/04/2018 17:21

I love being given clothes, you don't tend to see other babies in them because they haven't been sold for a while and they're already softened up for baby.

PugwallsSummer · 10/04/2018 17:25

I felt the same as you. I've no issues with hand me downs at all but was actually really looking forward to researching and going out and testing/choosing baby products for myself. It was all part of the pregnancy excitement for me.

Thirtyrock39 · 10/04/2018 17:59

I love hand me downs but a lot of people don't and it can be a way of people offloading their clutter . I had a friend who would literally give me bin bags of hand me downs which was off putting and always far to much stuff
My sil doesn't want my hand me downs although Tbf as she once refused them I have never offered again so be careful saying definitely no to things.

snowy1982 · 11/04/2018 07:08

I’m in sort of the same position, although no one is putting pressure on us to accept hand me downs. We are expecting our first and have plenty saved up for buying all the stuff we need. My 2 SILs have offered me whatever I want to use from their stuff. What we’ve decided to do is buy the stuff that we want to get brand new, but we also plan to have a rummage through what’s on offer and see what we can make use of as well.

aetw · 11/04/2018 09:19

I wish I had a nice mum and family to be thinking of collecting things for me. Second hand or not.

DameSylvieKrin · 11/04/2018 09:35

Your choice what you spend your money on.
I’m very comfortably off but didn’t buy my baby anything new aside from the going home outfit and the cot and mattress (the latter should never be second hand). I love the feeling that my friends babies have used all these things, and baby stuff is almost always washable. A lot of baby stuff is a complete con or won’t suit every baby.
I have repaired and dyed a lot of things and they will go to refugees when I’m done with them so I don’t think I’m taking things away from the less well off as my friends would have thrown a lot of this stuff away if I hadn’t taken it.
Aside from nappies and takeaways my outgoings haven’t risen since having the baby, so I can keep adding to my savings and hopefully enable her to attend university without loans if she chooses to go. That’s a lot more important to me than a new pram.

BothersomeCrow · 11/04/2018 09:51

If people are trying to dump junk on you, that's different to helpful hand-me-downs. I looked at it more from an environmental aspect, why buy new when for once good quality second had stuff is easier to find!

I did get a new buggy and splashed out on a lovely miff for it, but accepted second hand everything else - Moses basket (new mattress), mountain of reusable nappies, many bags of clothes from the family next door (2/3 went straight to charity as there were 4 bin bags full and still as many as ds needed). Bought a practically new cot bed and playmat in due course, and more clothes, nappies and toys from NCT sales. By toddler hood a children's charity shop in nearby expensive provided wonderful clothes.

It was a bit of a shock when my kids hit around 6 and I had to buy clothes new for the first time! I'd bought the odd new thing for fun (and socks and pants), but now, the budget...

AnUtterIdiot · 11/04/2018 10:48

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gryffen · 11/04/2018 12:13

We have a few handmedowns such as the Moses basket my hubby actually was in and the rocking cradle. Other hand me down was my christening gown and hubby travel shawl (st Bernards aka M&S!)

Totally your choice but some hand me down are nice and easier than other option.

SiolGhoraidh · 11/04/2018 12:51

There are a couple of things I wanted new apart from the obvious ones like mattresses and car seats. Mainly clothing like going home outfits, blankets, hats etc. I crochet and sew so a lot of Bump's clothes will be handmade or customised.

Ultimately though it's your baby and up to you if you want to buy everything yourselves. Maybe tell your mum it's all in hand and colleagues /friends have already offered stuff. Then buy whatever you fancy under that guise!

Poptart4 · 11/04/2018 13:39

I'm on my 4th so I wouldn't mind some hand me downs :)

BUT this is your first baby so of course you want everything new and to be able to go shopping and pick out all the baby stuff you want. It's all part of the excitement of being pregnant with your first child.

Your mom is being unfair and should respect your wishes. You need to tell her to back off.

As for the people offering you things just say no thanks I've already got a...... Whatever it is their offering you. This might be a fib but it gets you out of any awkward conversations. Plus most people understand you'll want to buy your own stuff for your first baby.

lifechangesforever · 11/04/2018 13:44

I know EXACTLY what you mean. As soon as people find out they're like 'oh I've got x,y & z' you can have. This is my first and I want the joy of choosing and buying things myself.

Luckily, I've got around it by the fact that we also have a static caravan where we spend a lot of time so it's been useful for doubling up on stuff down there.

I do understand people are being really nice and generous and I will probably do exactly the same, but it can be overwhelming and people should recognise that (especially with a first) there's things you want to choose and pay for yourself.

NotTakenUsername · 11/04/2018 13:55

These thread seems done and dusted but this made me think:

But there’s so many new mums out there who are freaking out about money who need free stuff more than I do, I’m all for charity shops and giving hand me downs to people in need, i would never bin any off my baby’s stuff, and I would give my stuff away freely to anyone but I just don’t feel I should take advantage off peoples generosity

Genuine question here which will tell you whether this is about humility or snobbery...

Will you be refusing gifts for your baby that are brand new, and asking them to be given to someone more in need than you? Or will shop bought shiny new gifts be accepted?

Elmosmum · 11/04/2018 14:08

I haven't read the thread fully but could you accept the second hand gifted items and ask to keep them st your mums for visits etc? (Moses basket/jumperroos etc). Then you can buy new for your house and have the gifted items as spares?

Wellthisunexpected · 11/04/2018 19:54

We have plenty of money but buying new stuff is just really wasteful. You may as well burn it!

We bought almost every second hand or borrowed off friends who offered. Baby stuff is expensive simply because its for babies. They hardly use it then it's worth less than a quarter of what you paid.

Buy new if you want, but personally I'd rather spend it on other stuff!