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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

I want a baby so bad and my husband keeps moving the goal post

33 replies

Turnerlady · 01/04/2018 01:00

I’ve been married now for 3 years... when me and my husband first got together he knew I was very keen on having a baby. I’ve always wanted one.. first I was told that he wanted to get married before we had a baby.. then we got married.. then it was “I want to go on one last holiday” ..we whent on that holiday ... then it was “no we can’t afford it” bear in mind HE has two very expensive cars in his garage but apparently that’s his money and nothing to do with me.. even though we are husband and wife... now I’ve got to wait until I’m in my 30’s ... but is that next goal post going to be moved? I love my husband ... but I really want a baby... I feel it’s not going to happen... recently been diagnosed with a tilted womb trying to get the coil which I don’t want to have .. but that’s what he wants .. we haven’t had sex in two months now because he is scared he will get me pregnant. Someone please help me and tell me that everything will be okay? I’m so sad... so unhappy because I want a baby and I’m so scared I will turn 30 and be told I’m going to have to wait longer 😭. I feel so alone

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BringBiscuits · 01/04/2018 01:03

You really need to talk to him about how you feel. Does he know how badly you want a baby?

C0untDucku1a · 01/04/2018 01:04

‘Thats his money and has nothing to do with me.’

WHat do you think would happen after you hadnthe baby you want? Do you see his attitude towards the financies to magically change?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2018 01:07

I wouldn't have a baby with a man who thought his money was nothing to do with me.

He sounds like a manipulative liar. Is he?

MsGameandWatching · 01/04/2018 01:09

He sounds awful. You'll never have a baby with him. You need to accept that or leave. I would leave.

Turnerlady · 01/04/2018 01:10

He knows I really want a baby .. I feel so down and lost... I love him so much... but I really want a baby... what do I do?

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TroubledLichen · 01/04/2018 01:11

I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like he wants a baby at all. Definitely not any time soon anyway. What’s really cruel though is that he’s not being honest with you and dangling a baby in front of you like a carrot, only to snatch it away at the last moment.

I suspect you’ll ultimately have to decide what you want more- to stay married to him knowing that he might never be ready to have children, or to have a baby which honestly, will probably not be with him. And please don’t go down the round of ‘accidental’ contraception failure, although he’d have to have sex with you first for that to even be an option, it would be awful to bring a baby into the world in such a deceitful manner knowing it was so unwanted by its father.

I’m very sorry you’re in this situation and I wish you the best of luck.

xLeanne128 · 01/04/2018 01:11

You need to find out exactly what he wants before wasting any more time with him. I made it clear to my now husband what I wanted from life (marriage and children) and if he didn't want this with me at some point I was off. You need to have a conversation. And for it's his money nothing to do with you that would piss me right off and sound alarm bells! Goodluck x

Turnerlady · 01/04/2018 01:15

I don’t want anyone to hate me ... I am admittedly a weak person.. I love him so much.. but I want a baby so bad... I want my first marriage to be my only marriage... but what do I do? I am niave.. I am weak... but how can I leave.. i can’t

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Turnerlady · 01/04/2018 01:22

Thank you ❤️

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Oliversmumsarmy · 01/04/2018 01:25

I very much doubt he will ever be ready.

You need to decide which you want more.
This being your only marriage and to live your life without children or
Maybe finding someone else and have a family

blaaake · 01/04/2018 01:28

Leave him. His attitude towards you is appalling and I can see him getting more financially controlling as time goes on, which will be worse if you have a child with him.

Turnerlady · 01/04/2018 01:30

How do I leave?

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Sushirolls · 01/04/2018 01:31

I'm sorry OP but I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett & @TroubledLichen Sad

I'm also surprised that they let you have a coil when you didn't actually want one Confused I worked in contraception for 8 years and our patients were always counselled first, then came back for the fitting.

As hard as it is, I would definitely have that conversation with him, and find out if he is serious about ever having a baby, and if not, you'll have to decide if he or a baby are the most important to you Flowers

Gazelda · 01/04/2018 01:32

He's known from the beginning that you want a baby.
Do you know what he wanted? Did he tell you that he wanted a baby, or that he wasn't sure, or that he definitely didn't? You obviously had the conversation, but it's not clear from your post whether or not he has always said he wants a baby but it's just the timing that's changed, or if he's been reluctant from the start but you've persuaded him to have a baby with you at some point.

Turnerlady · 01/04/2018 01:37

I feel a lot of comfort speaking to you all... I’ve accepted everything from him and thought i was in the wrong... when I met him he had a house (on mortgage) which I joined him with and helped payed towards . He has since bought two very expensive cars. I’m struggling financially and approached him about it ... I feel so angry and upset that he has these cars and I’m struggling to get by... and yet we can’t afford to have a baby. Surely when you are married you help each other out? But when I say this to him I’m selfish ? I can’t even afford to get my hair cut... but he’s spending hundreds in car services... the more I go on the more I realise I’m a mug.. I’m so sad

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Sushirolls · 01/04/2018 01:42

Oh @TurnerLady Sad Flowers

He sounds very manipulative, and even quite abusive, I'm sorry to say Sad

It sounds like having a baby may not be your only problems xo

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2018 02:38

He's awful.

Do you need advice on how to leave emotionally or financially? Because he doesn't care about you. Time to go.

Turnerlady · 01/04/2018 02:51

Anything..please

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ThinkingOfCeline · 01/04/2018 03:15

I feel for you OP. If leaving is something you're considering the Relationships section has lots of great advice for getting your ducks in a row.

It does sound like before a baby came on the scene you need to sort out the finances and general "power balance". A marriage shouldn't be about constantly meeting someone else's conditions.

It sounds like you need to talk about whether he really wants a child, and he needs to stop being a manipulative prick who dangles a child in front of you whilst watching you struggle.

Sushirolls · 01/04/2018 03:16

He sounds very controlling OP Sad maybe give Women's Aid a call? They may be able to advise you? X

comfortandjoy · 01/04/2018 03:17

I don’t think it’s a reasonable thing to ask to wait until you’re at least in your 30’s. A lot of people like to enjoy their life kid free in their twenties . If he’s not ready for a baby yet you shouldn’t force him. It’s better to plan a baby when you’re both at the point where you really want one - Parenting is hard , you both have to be ready. ( met my partner at 30 and still glad I waited a few years until he was really ready)

differentnameforthis · 01/04/2018 03:22

He is allowing you to struggle with finances, while spending what he wants?

He is financially abusing you. He has done you a favour by constantly moving the goal posts on the baby issue.

Please do not have children with this man, he will fail to provide for them regardless of your relationship status.

Tell him that you want children more than you want to be with him and leave.

Bridol · 01/04/2018 03:23

Although I like to think that I pause and be reflective before offering advice to anyone IRL or online. I have to say you have so much more going on here than wanting a baby that I have retyped this message three times and sat looking at the blank box wandering what to suggest first!!!!

Honestly, although I haven't noticed that you gave your age I really hope you are not feeling the time pressure because there are lots of things here that need resolving before thinking about bringing a baby into this situation.

I know you say you love him but this love is not the partnership it should be. You are infatuated maybe, cant see how anything could go on without him maybe. He seems like the centre of you life but you are not the centre of his.

I think you really need to get some marriage guidance irl, together, but go on your own if he wont go with you. His attitude to money and possessions between you is not healthy and needs looking at as does his attitudes to your wants and desires as you really don't seem to want the same things at all.

My advice, do not put a coil in, especially one that puts chemicals in your body, or take any other chemical birth control if you are serious about wanting to start trying for a baby. There are other methods.

Focus first on getting yourself fit and healthy in body and mind, getting yourself stronger and making a joint plan rather than pulling apart. If you cant agree on a joint plan then you need to walk away. He does not call all the shots, there is never a right time to have children, there will always be other things to spend money on. Is he scared of something? All this needs to be explored but my fear is that there is not a happy ending here. Although I would be happy to be proved wrong!

Lillygolightly · 01/04/2018 03:25

Be honest with him tell him a baby is non negotiable to you and if he doesn’t want one soon that you will be initiating a divorce whilst you’d still have your best fertile years ahead of you. You can say that as much as you love him you will not be giving up the dream of having children for him.

To be honest though he sounds mean and not someone who would be a good person to have a child with. I suspect even if he agreed to a baby you would go through your pregnancy alone and without emotional support from him and then once baby arrived everything to do with it would be your job, because you wanted it and he didn’t. Also can you imagine suffering financially with a baby? I don’t think he’d be helping out from the sounds of things while your on maternity leave.

From what you’ve written it actually sounds like you’d be financially better off if you did divorce him.

You need to think about you what you want. Is he really worth this risk of waiting until he is ready?? By which time your fertile years may have gone by? How would you feel if you stayed with him and ended up childless, do you think you would still love him despite the resentment? What if you ended deeply resenting him which destroys you relationship and love for him and you end up divorced and without children then? All these possibilities are very much worth thinking about as at the moment you still love him very much and don’t want to leave, but you really need to think about what staying could cost you and if you could cope with that.

Turnerlady · 01/04/2018 03:39

I’m 27 and though people may not deceive that as old I agree ... I know many beautiful mummys that are above 30 but I feel in myself I want it now... I feel ready... it’s all i have ever wanted... I love my family .. my neices my nephews .. but I long to have my own ❤️

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