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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partners being stubborn about finding out the sex

41 replies

Alanares89 · 30/03/2018 20:40

I am very early stage pregnancy, about 6 weeks. Ever since I can remember I have always said I would never find out my sex, I’ve always loved the thought off a suprise, my partner is really stubborn and he thinks we should find out and if I don’t find out then he will find out. Does he really have a right? Surely if the woman doesn’t want to then they have no right to tell my partner, plus I know he will tell me and I would be so gutted to find out before. Not that it matters what the sex is, I couldn’t care what I’m having! But I know I can be persuaded but this is one thing I’m so firm on! Any help would be appreciate

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2018 20:43

Have you asked him why he’s so keen to do something you specifically don’t want, that he knows will upset you?

I’m with you, love the idea of a surprise.

You’re newly pregnant, there’s enough going on at the moment! He sounds like he’s being difficult and annoying for no reason. Why is this an issue now? I’d be really pissed off with him and tell him it’s not up for discussion.

userabcname · 30/03/2018 20:45

I'm sure I read on here that someone was in the same situation and when the father asked the sex the sonographer said it's mum's decision. I would have a chat to your DH about why he wants to find out (maybe he is worried about being disappointed if he desperately wants one sex in particular). Fwiw I did find out the sex when I was pregnant and kind of regretted losing that excitement so if I have another I will definitely keep it a surprise.

Original poster
Alanares89 · 30/03/2018 20:48

I’ve told him point blank that it won’t happen and I don’t want him to speak about it again because i do find the conversation stressful. It would break my heart if he told me, or worse, told other people first!

We are both really excited the now, I know I will get my way because I won’t change my mind on this, , he thinks it would be practical to find out but I don’t think he realises how cute all the nuteral clothing is!

OP posts:
RapunzelIsHere · 30/03/2018 20:51

He’s been unnecessarily difficult.

What could happen is when you go for a scan, he asks to know the gender and the nurse says the gender before you have chance to say no. I sincerely hope this doesn’t happen and your DH can respect the fact you don’t want to know.

Penfold007 · 30/03/2018 20:53

You don't have to persuade him, your body=your choice.

Original poster
Alanares89 · 30/03/2018 20:54

yeah I think it should be mums decision! The whole conversation makes me so stressed, I can be easily lead to a quiet life, but awk he’s so annoying right now haha!

OP posts:
Original poster
Alanares89 · 30/03/2018 20:56

I think as soon as I walk in to my first scan I will need to say right away please don’t tel me! Hopefully after the excitement calms down and our mums find out then they can persuade him a suprise is a better option

OP posts:
Chocolateanddiamonds · 30/03/2018 21:25

There is no way he'd last. until the end of pregnancy without buying gender specific clothing, equipment ie pink/blue plus is becomes a natural thing to say he/she.

But good news is your the patient, its your scan and if you say no then they will not announce it and certainly will not whisper in your dp's ear.

FannyHertz · 31/03/2018 06:27

It’s your choice!

I’d be tempted to tell him he wasn’t welcome at the anomaly scan if he is going to put pressure on you to find out when you quite clearly don’t want to.

FannyHertz · 31/03/2018 06:30

Fwiw I found out with all 3 of mine and it was still a surprise, only earlier.

I’m pregnant with #4 and seeing as this will be my last baby I’m going to try and wait until I give birth, but I don’t know what I’ll be like at the scan if they ask 😂

goldenslumbers1 · 31/03/2018 06:40

My DH asked the sonographer if they’d tell him as I didn’t want to know and they refused, they said it’s if mum requests only.
He was convinced we were having a girl because of nub theory(!), so when he told me we had a son after he was delivered, it was one of the best moments of our lives. He’s all for having surprise next time now - it’s so worth the wait Smile

Oysterbabe · 31/03/2018 07:44

Babies wear sleepsuits. There's really no need to buy anything sex specific before the birth. All the big items it's better to get neutral anyway so you can reuse it for your second child.

TheMythicalChicken · 31/03/2018 07:54

I don't think it should just be up to the mum, but if one person (mum or dad) does not want to know, then you shouldn't find out.

My friend has the most overbearing MIL. When they were expecting their first baby, the MIL insisted on finding out the sex even though they didn't want to know. So they had to get the sonographer to write the sex on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope to give to her.

SVRT19674 · 31/03/2018 08:21

We wanted to know, I've always wanted to know and we're over the moon with our little girl. But then that is your decision and however daft others think it is, it's your baby and your body. You need to have a conversation about this.

flowersWB · 31/03/2018 08:39

I didn't find out with dd1 and tbh it was the most anti climatic surprise ever. The massive shock of being handed a baby to care for after being awake for 24 hours and utterly shattered and broken from labour meant that I didn't care nearly as much as I thought I would.
We found out at the 20 week scan with dd2 and it was much better. We could talk about it and enjoy it and think about names with real purpose. And it was still a surprise, just earlier, and less crazy.
But that's all an aside. It's entirely up to you. Tell him you won't let him come to the scan if he continues to press the issue.

flumpybear · 31/03/2018 08:48

Difficult one, my husband and I both wanted to know but he always checked first at the 20 week scans to make sure I still wanted to know.

I wasn't bothered by the arrival surprise, I felt I wanted to know so I could name them and think and plan when I was pregnant - and to be honest after the kerfuffle during my labour and emergency section with my first I didn't care if it was a space alien as long as she was safely there .... which she was and she's definitely not a space alien .... fairy perhaps at times!

Boy child we also found out and I cried so much at the scan as I was surprisingly really pleased - thought practically a girl would be easier but in reality I really wanted one of each Grin

FellOutOfBed2wice · 31/03/2018 08:50

I would recommend a surprise. There’s nothing like it. I can genuinely say that moment when my daughters were handed to me and my husband told me “it’s a girl!” were genuinely the best moments of my life.

Poptart4 · 31/03/2018 10:43

Just make it clear at the scan that you don't want to know and you don't want anyone else, i.e your partner being told either.

There was a post only recently were the op told the nurse at the scan she didn't want to know but her partner asked and the nurse told him. So now he knows and she doesn't. She was very upset. The nurse had no right to do that. Make your wishes clear at the hospital

isshoes · 31/03/2018 10:58

I have to say I think people (including the OP) are being a bit harsh about the OP’s
partner. It’s his child too, and I don’t think it matters who is carrying the baby. Were it a decision about birth choices, eg pain relief, that would be a different matter - then I would agree that the mother’s feelings should be prioritised.

In my case I wanted to find out and DH didn’t, and because I agree with what a PP said about how if one partner wants to know and the other doesn’t, you should keep it a surprise, I agreed to that. But had it been the other way round I wouldn’t have called him ‘stubborn’ or ‘unnecessarily difficult’. There are many decisions in life in which as a couple you won’t be able to compromise - it’s either choice A or choice B, and you just have to find a way to make those decisions together, accepting that some of the time you won’t get your way.

NapQueen · 31/03/2018 11:04

Well if he is going to iverride your decision in the scan, which after all is a procedure on your body then he shouldnt be attending it.

Thissameearth · 31/03/2018 11:05

I found out in advance. It was amazing. I had nothing else to focus on that moment like you know pain and looking after a baby and it was lovely to picture her. I had harmony testing so knew the sex rather than based on scan. It made me feel really elated for ages afterwards which was really unexpected as I had never thought sex was a big deal to me and I was just worried about her arriving safely. Her being born was undoubtedly the best moment of my life and I didn’t feel I had missed out on anything so it was like two big lovely moments. it made me feel a little more in control somehow although I’m not sure why I felt that way. I bought a blue pram, a green car seat and a white Moses basket for my daughter so it’s not like I wanted to go mad on pink for girls or blue for boys. So I can understand your partner’s view as i shared it. I think you should discuss it with your partner and ask why he feels the way he does. I do agree it’s ultimately your decision but if you have a decent partner then it’s not a great idea to start out with I know I’ll get my way and our mums might be able to persuade him etc. I speak as someone who can be overbearing on my husband and now tries not to! Congrats and good luck.

PeonyTruffle · 31/03/2018 11:10

I agree with Isshoes

I don’t think it should purely be the mums decision and if one party doesn’t want to find out and feels strongly about it. Then you shouldn’t.

BakedBeans47 · 31/03/2018 11:14

I don't think it should just be up to the mum, but if one person (mum or dad) does not want to know, then you shouldn't find out.

This, but OP if he’s not respecting that, then you hold all the cards. Do what you said and as soon as you go into the scan say you don’t want to know. They aren’t going to tell him. You’re the patient, not him.

BakedBeans47 · 31/03/2018 11:16

My friend has the most overbearing MIL. When they were expecting their first baby, the MIL insisted on finding out the sex even though they didn't want to know. So they had to get the sonographer to write the sex on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope to give to her.

Wtf? Why would anyone go along with that shit?

Lichtie · 31/03/2018 11:20

We had the same 'argument'. You are saying he is being stubborn, but from his side so are you.
There's no simple solution, someone is losing out on something they feel strongly about... Unless one is very good at keeping a secret!!
Good luck and congrats... When baby comes it will all be forgotten (no help for right now)