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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partners being stubborn about finding out the sex

41 replies

Alanares89 · 30/03/2018 20:40

I am very early stage pregnancy, about 6 weeks. Ever since I can remember I have always said I would never find out my sex, I’ve always loved the thought off a suprise, my partner is really stubborn and he thinks we should find out and if I don’t find out then he will find out. Does he really have a right? Surely if the woman doesn’t want to then they have no right to tell my partner, plus I know he will tell me and I would be so gutted to find out before. Not that it matters what the sex is, I couldn’t care what I’m having! But I know I can be persuaded but this is one thing I’m so firm on! Any help would be appreciate

OP posts:

flowersWB · 31/03/2018 11:39

I disagree that op's partner has any say. Pregnancy is all about mum and baby. Dads involvement is by invitation of the Mother until the baby is born.

Lichtie · 31/03/2018 12:07

Flowers... Think they're invited at the impregnation stage 😂

Astrid2 · 31/03/2018 12:28

It's not just the Mother's baby!! The Father should be involved as much as they want. Unless there are some exceptional circumstances. But in a normal, happy relationship where the pregnancy is equally wanted, there is no reason why the father should be ousted. It should be a joint decision and discussed properly.

I can never understand why so many couples cannot calmly and sensibly discuss differing opinions without tears, drama and fall outs. There's no need. You have at least 14 weeks to discuss and come to a sensible conclusion re finding out.

Neither of you are more in the right than the other. You both won't change your decision so you need to figure it out.

isshoes · 31/03/2018 12:35

I disagree that op's partner has any say. Pregnancy is all about mum and baby. Dads involvement is by invitation of the Mother until the baby is born.

Wow! That is quite an extreme view. So no input into any decisions - whether that’s to do with screening/invasive testing/medical interventions?

Katnisnevergreen · 31/03/2018 12:52

Balls that it is just the mother’s baby or decision. That baby is made by both of you, therefore you need to work together.

The attitude shown on here is so sexist at times. Men can do no right and no wonder that so many MNs husbands do bugger all because why should they if they have no say?

If this were the other way around, mum wanted to know and dad didn’t, again she would be right and him wrong.

flowersWB · 31/03/2018 13:08

So if Dad wants to abort but mum doesn't who wins?
If Dad wants an amniocentesis but Mum doesn't who wins?
If Dad wants a hospital delivery but Mum wants a Home birth who wins?
The language I used was quite extreme, hopefully all decisions can be made jointly but ultimately the Mum must win as its her body. Hospitals agree and their policies work this way.

BrendasUmbrella · 31/03/2018 13:15

I wouldn't be 100% certain that a scan operator won't tell him. You see how views vary here, they may vary from person to person at the hospital too. You don't want to put them in that position anyway.

Have a heart to heart with your partner. Explain that this is the one thing you feel very strongly about. If he doesn't respect your view, then my follow up questions would be along the lines of - Does he often play mind games with you? He is a controlling person in general? And do you think he is pushing for the scan because he wants a particular sex? (In which case, remind him that it won't change. A girl at 20 weeks will still be a girl at 40 weeks...)

BrendasUmbrella · 31/03/2018 13:17

The attitude shown on here is so sexist at times. Men can do no right and no wonder that so many MNs husbands do bugger all because why should they if they have no say?

Bollocks. Look around here for a while and there are constantly stories about men who get their own way all the time. From women who didn't get to name their first child and get told they won't get to name the second either, to women who didn't get pain relief because their partners said no, women distraught because their partner insisted they have several abortions and they really want to keep this one, it's endless.

Flisspaps · 31/03/2018 13:30

Until the baby is born, then yes - the mother's decision is final. And that's what the law is here. She can take into account the father's opinions if she wants to.

The mother's bodily autonomy is paramount.

OP isn't even required to tell him when the scans are or to let him attend.

It's not a pleasant or ideal way to start a parenting relationship but that's what it boils down to.

isshoes · 31/03/2018 13:37

The language I used was quite extreme yes it was - you said you disagree that the partner has any say. There’s a big difference between that, and saying that ideally any decisions would be made jointly. And that’s what causes bad feeling I think. Your original post made it sound like fathers have no role or importance whatsoever until baby is born.

seven201 · 31/03/2018 13:38

So tricky. I definitely wanted to find out but I don't know what I'd have done if my dh didn't want to. It helped me bond and it was still a surprise, just 20 weeks earlier!

I think the man has rights but you're the one carrying/growing the human for 9 months! Hopefully your dh will give up trying to talk you round.

GreenTulips · 31/03/2018 13:50

Isn't love to know how those who found out so they could 'plan' how the sex of the baby made any difference to the 'plan'?

You're having a baby and that baby needs are the same whether it's a boy or girl

KNain · 31/03/2018 14:04

Genuine question I know loads of women who haven't found out and their partner had - i.e. the sonographer told the dad and not the mum. How did that work if it's mum's choice? Does mum have to give consent for her DP to be told?

In some instances it was because mum wanted a surprise (and in every case I know she got one - her DP never gave the game away). And for some it was because DP had organised a reveal (I know how Mumsnet feels about them!)

KNain · 31/03/2018 14:22

Isn't love to know how those who found out so they could 'plan' how the sex of the baby made any difference to the 'plan'?
*
You're having a baby and that baby needs are the same whether it's a boy or girl*

Well for starters they don't stay babies for very long. I buy my DS clothes a year or so in advance in the sales (so the seasons match up, if that makes sense) So I bought some stuff for 1-2 years before DS was born. Doesn't mean everything he wears is all tractors and dinosaurs but they were from the boy's section in the shops.

Secondly, DH and i were still arguing discussing what to name DS in the waiting room at the registry office- if we'd had to throw girl names into the mix we'd still be deciding now!

Finally, I have a friend who had a DS and when she fell pregnant with DC2 she knew it would be her last. She had lost her mum at a young age and always wanted a DD - her mum never saw her as a teenager, never saw her graduate, get married, become a mother herself etc. She wanted those mother-daughter moments, and while the logical part of he brain knew having a daughter wouldn't guarantee her those moments, this was an urge she'd held since she herself was a little girl who'd just lost her mum. I remember discussing with her shortly before her 20 week scan and she was clear if she had another DS she would love him just as much, but she would like some time to get her head round the idea she'd never have the DD she'd hoped for for over 20 years.

Phillipa12 · 31/03/2018 14:32

Just make sure op that the first thing you say is that you dont want to find out the sex as then they will hide the screen whilst they do all the necessary checks before showing you baby. With 2 of mine the screen was facing us and when the sonographer placed the doppler on my tummy we were faced with an unmistakeable full frontal 😂, they both have not changed in the fact that they like to be naked and wave their willies about, but at least they are still little (4 and 2).

laurahill88 · 31/03/2018 14:34

You’re carrying the baby and will have to do all the hard work pushin him/her out so I’d say you if you definitely don’t want to find out and feel that strongly then stand your ground. It’s a great motivation to push after all

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