Are my feelings about mil unreasonable?

[Brownieb]

Sorry long one... I have posted previously about MIL and she is just as bad as ever before. It’s been over a decade so I know she won’t change. My partner refuses to see her alone as he finds her behaviour unbearable but she is basically the gatekeeper to the rest of the family so you either see and involve her or your life is made very difficult. Anyway... we are expecting our first baby in June but MIL expects to come in May during my maternity leave to stay in our home for about a week, and for me to take her about places (she expects to be waited on). I said no and she is going on and on about it and how she doesn’t cause me stress She then told me she is booking a hotel next to the hospital ready to be there while I give birth. I said that we don’t know when exactly the baby will come and that’s a lot of pressure on me... and she just ignored me. So I have now been told I need a c section so will know the date, am I being unfair not to share this earlier set date because she clearly doesn’t respect my wishes to be just myself and partner. I will have to treat other family in the same way which is disappointing but they understand the long running problems my MIL has been causing. Ideally I don’t want her to visit until 2-3 days after I come home after the baby, as I feel too vulnerable to have her being poisonous around me so soon after such a life changing few days in hospital. FWIW she turned up during labour for my SIL despite being told not to come to the hospital. Am I being unreasonable?

She sounds awful. Definitely not unreasonable not to tell her. And don't let her stay!

For what it's worth, don't worry about her turning up when you are in hospital. They won't just let her in! A midwife came into the room after I'd had DS, literally just given birth, and said "your parents and in laws are in reception. I told them they can't come in!" So they are pretty good at guarding against people like her (mine aren't bad, but they got overexcited, in the end I let my mum in for 5 mins but no one else because I was still covered in blood etc and had my boobs out)

I’ve been advised the same in terms of the nurses on the wards being excellent in these circumstances as I fear the same! Even if you let them in, ask a nurse to ensure they’re removed in 30mins!

Absolutely not!!
She sounds like a very difficult woman that chooses not to respect boundaries (or doesn’t understand them?)
I think you might have to be quite rude on this one and just say no, means no.
The first few days are so precious and you should be allowed to say who you would like there.
I get on well with my ILs but they aren’t local either and had booked a hotel a week after my DD. At the time I was really stressed about this falling at the same time I gave birth as I was well aware first baby could be late. I was induced on DD so it wasn’t an issue but I knew that there would be an expectation to see/entertain if it had.
Good luck!

I had a planned c section and we never told anyone before hand as I felt it would be too much pressure on me.....and none of our close family were acting like your MIL. So of course don't tell anyone the date, don't tell you are even having a section so she's doesn't figure approximate date and then hang about the hospital waiting on you

I wouldn't tell her about needing a c section or anything. Let her book a hotel two weeks before your date and waste the money. Don't tell her baby is born until at least a month!

Or if you feel forced to give a date add a week. "Oh they took me in early because of blood pressure"

I think it’s nice you have family that are interested to be honest

I think you've done what you can and it's now up to your partner to step up and let his mother know she's overstepping boundaries and needs to back the fuck off basically.

Good luck!

Give her a later date. On no account give her your real date or you will be harassed by her and her flying monkeys until you let her in. Ideally I would not let her know I had the baby for 2-3 days, because she will be sitting waiting for you before you get through your own front door. You can always say you were rushed in early, rather that “we didn’t tell you because you’re a nasty, interfering fucker”. 😋

You really need to decide if the relationship with the rest of the family is worth it, when you have your baby. Your baby has to come first.

I think it’s nice you have family that are interested to be honest*

Catch a grip, Fidgety31. My family are a shower of shite and my old fucker of a father is dead. That doesn’t mean others have to put up with a nasty Mil.

Don’t rely on the midwives policing - I ended up with half DH’s family (cousins etc!) wandering in uninvited and unexpected, exceeding max number of visitors per bed, in grandparents only visiting hours - midwives couldn’t care less. We did not feel the same

Do not tell her. I have one crazy b of a mil and she turned up several times during my labour despite Being told to go politely as I was only allowed 2 people with me (mum and dh). She battled her way on to the ward 3 times and ended up having a shouting match with my midwife outside in the corridor. Mortifying. Made me feel so bloody awkward that I was stressed in labour (as I won’t ever confront her behaviour outright, I know, my error). If you want your birth private and you can’t trust her to respect you keep it secret.

YA definitely NBU. You need to do what's best for you.

You are definitely not BU. My in laws turned up, uninvited, a few days after I'd had DD1. It nearly did me in, they expected to be waited on and in the end I ran away with the baby and locked myself in the room. I bloody hated it. Don't tell her when you're in labour and extend your due date by three weeks at least. Good luck.

Do not tell her!

So nice to hear (mostly) that I am not being unreasonable- the constant demands in general make me feel like all I do is say no and then inevitably cut myself off when I am ignored. My mum offered to have a ‘word’ on a few occasions but frankly I feel it would just encourage her to up the anti! Will keep the whole thing a secret I think. Just not sure whether to pretend it’s all out of my control (lying - hmmm) or to admit we did that and why and have to weather the storm afterwards....

Your partner needs to seriously step up here and grow a pair and tell her this is not on! It's not your responsibility to stress about this, she is not your mother!

@PositivelyPERF
The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine
Just because you don’t agree it doesn’t mean you have to right to be rude to others

Just tell her she's not welcome and don't let it stress you out! Your partner should really be the one to put his foot down!

You can't have been on MN very long fidgety if you think that was rude

Your type of comment never goes down well quite rightly

OP I would totally tell her you are having a planned C section and give her a date a few days in the future. What a shame the baby decided to come early, oh well no need to change the hotel booking just come as planned.

Yes, definitely lie about the date. If she calls you out on it you can tell her why, or you can tell her it go changed. I think lying for self preservation in thus case is acceptable!
Practice saying no to things too now, it will only get worse once the baby is here and you will probably have to be more pushy than you would like when fending her off to avoid having your feelings pushed aside.

Your husband needs to tell his mother to back the fuck off.
Do not tell her your c section date, go to hospital safe in the knowledge you can stay in your new baby bubble until you feel ready for visitors.

If she gets upset that’s fine, they are her feelings to deal with, not your responsibility.

Could you give a c-section date 2 weeks after your actual planned date?

Does she know you're having a section? Can you just give her a due date and say when you got to hospital (whenever that is) you needed the section.

Lying for self preservation- sounds like a good/reasonable way to go. So excited to meet baby but it seems so far away! But it’s not !