Am I too young??

[Amcg22]

Hi all,

I’m 22 years old and I really want to start a family. I’ve been with my other half for 3 years, we are in a stable relationship and we both have good jobs. I’ve been feeling the need to start a family for a few months now but I only discussed this with my parter this week (he is 26). We definitely want to start a family and he is also keen to start trying at some point this year.

This may sound ridiculous but I’m worried other people think we are too young. To be honest, I don’t feel we are too young as years ago it would be normal to have a family at our age, it just seems our current society has made it a big issue in the past decade.

Would appreciate advice or peoples own experiences in having children in their early 20s xx

I had my first at 22 and my second at 24.

I didn't feel young at the time, but I'm one of the youngest now on the school run, and the few other women my age all seem to have a lot of help from their own parents, which is nice for them, but seems a little immature to me.

I had mine fairly young and it was great, the only thing looking back is I would try to get on the property ladder first. We didn't and now the DC are teens (and rents extortionate) there is the fear of instability of tenure, more so than when they were younger. A friend of mine had to leave their rental in the middle of her dc's GCSE's and go into a damp, grotty hostel as they couldn't find another property within the month. That was extremely disruptive for them and impacted on his results and then MH. I'm well aware that mortgages are a risk too, but still I wish that we had something to call our own.

praisebe wasn’t expressing an opinion.
She was bloody rude.

You’re not married so you’re not ready. Get married first.

@Amcg22 I could have written your post! DP and I are similar ages to you and have also been together 3 years. We are planning to start ttc next year (as we have lots planned this year) and I couldn't be happier with the decision. We own our own house and both have very good jobs. I think we have a lot to offer being young, and it's no disrespect to 30-something mums but we decided for us being younger was better. I want my parents to experience being grandparents whilst they are active enough to really enjoy it and I want to take advantage of having the energy myself to cope with the sleepless nights!

I'm prepared for a bit of a backlash as most people are expecting me to wait another 5-10 years and be married etc, but it's right for us - and that's all that matters.

I waited until my thirties but that was because I wasn't ready in my twenties. I needed to date and travel and work a lot to progress my career to where I was happy to take a break.

But I still think you could be ready in your twenties. It's all about your personal situation: your relationship, your finances, your priorities.

But I agree with pp about considering getting married. Pregnancy is tough, you want a rock solid relationship to get through it - the sort where you've both committed to being together forever. Also one person is about to take a break from their career, generally the woman, and marriage provides some financial and legal protection. Unless you're independently wealthy you'll benefit from this. Plus for your OH he gets automatic parental responsibility for your children so he is protected too.

Personal preference, I wasn't even considering such things at 22 as I was going to university and changing my life but then I had kids at 36 and 40 ... maybe I was too old!?
Nope, just worked for us that's all - same with you
Good luck

Im 22 and got 2, and very glad i had them young if your ready and financially stable to give them a good life then i would go for it 100%

I had my first when I was 23, and having my second when I'm 24! No one can tell you when the right time for YOU is!

I feel sorry for babies born to parents in their late 30s and early 40s they get so little time with them before they die it's not fair on the children

What a load of bollocks. Zaal- do not take this deluded opinion on board for one single second!! Congrats on your pregnancy

Early twenties is perfect time for children. Its ounds like you are in a good stable relationship and financially secure so why not.

It's completely up to you and your partner, to the op. I'm personally delighted to have done it this way round; my fourth baby will be born next year when I'm 37. I went to uni, got a career, did loads of travelling and enjoyed myself before settling down. Some people have no interest in all that. Horses for courses 🤷🏻‍♀️

praisebe What a stupid thing to say! My DM had me at 24 and will be dead in a few weeks and won’t even make her 57th birthday so the age you have your children has nothing to do with how long you’ll have with them. Stupid!!!

Had my first at 22, due my 3rd and last any day now at 27. I’m exhausted now, I couldn’t imagine having kids any older!

Oh OP Amcg22 22 isn't too young if you and your OH are ready for a family. IMO there isn't the perfect age or perfect time, you will wait forever if you try and find that or try and please everyone else with perfecting timing. If you have that feeling you want a family I say go for it!

I am only 24 with a DS and in middle of TTC for #2 with my OH who is 25. We decided to get the kids out of the way so I won't take a break in the middle of my career and my employer won't be hanging around wondering when I will be going off with #2. For me I want to have no distractions once my career is in full flow of when will I start TTC etc. We are in a fortunate position though where my pay is already well established and we are just about to buy our first home which could easily be our last too.

Currently 20 and expecting a baby (unplanned but to be well loved) in less than 4 weeks. You're obviously a few years older so may not face what I'm facing but it gives you a current update on what people are like rather than "I had a kid at 21 19 years ago and it was fine." Depending on the area and your friend circle, you may get looks and judgement. My university friends rarely message me or invite me out and when they do they just talk about how drunk they got over the weekend; it's difficult to relate that with my weekend of painting the nursery and attending birth classes. Some folk act like I've shot myself in the leg and make insensitive comments (e.g are you keeping it?) although if you're married/long-term to your partner the comments would be less. When the baby comes I may pair off with mums from baby and toddler classes as they may be more relevant. However if the ages of the women from my antenatal classes are anything to go with, I'll be the youngest by about 5 or 6 years. I'm quite chatty and get along with anybody but I've had a few women say they're jealous of me having an easy pregnancy (never been sick, sleep through the night, no extra check ups) but that's most likely down to me being young and healthy. The older mums all seem to have a million and one health problems and are always so tired and sore - this despite them being on maternity leave and me running around in 3rd year uni doing internship. The energy levels are definitely higher in your twenties. I do struggle to relate to the mums who are much more financially secure and spend £500 on a pram and £1400 on matching nursery furniture however this may be down to my practical nature of knowing that designer baby stuff is pointless as it will all end up covered in a variety of body fluids anyway. Younger people will react worse than older people: most under 25s nowadays are nowhere near ready to have a baby and therefore are quite shocked by somebody their age having one and don't know to act appropriately. Older parents are likely just to be jealous of your energy. If you want a baby, you just have to learn to ignore the comments. I found another mum-to-be on here who is a year older than me and also a uni student and we relate quite a lot to each other and the inappropriate comments we've received from people and will message each other on facebook every few days to see how we're getting on. Been told it's good to have somebody to message at 3am when you're up with the nightfeed just to know you're not alone. Having a strong support network around you makes a difference whether that's your family, your friends or even on here. Being young also means it will feel more like your whole identity (the adult identity that you've only had for a few years) is going to shift; it's not, a large part will, but not the whole thing. Being a mum doesn't mean you have to give up who you are as an individual and that's important to remember. Also to the posters who keep saying to enjoy your twenties and go travel etc: my mum was a single mum to 3 kids who took us across the outback of Australia where we lived for several years and lived in America too: I've seen a huge portion of Europe as well before I'd even left home. At festivals you often see people camping with their families You can do a lot with kids, you just have to budget smart. Also stop touting home ownership as an indicator of financial stability - it's been proven over and over that property investment is not always a great deal (the amount you make is usually inline with inflation and you would have made more if you'd invested in the market). Unless you pay upfront, the interest rates you'll get (at any age) are absurd and totally at risk of the next administration that gets elected every 4 years. On top of it, for 20 or 30 years you have extremely limited mobility with high home ownership rates being continually linked with high unemployment rates in nearly every country you go to because it keeps people from moving to areas with good jobs preventing upward progression. I say all this with my partner having bought our family home before I met him because like the rest of the middle class population he was aggressively advertised to that a mortgage is what he needed to be financially secure (along with family tradition). Not having an owned home will not affect your ability to be a happy mum in anyway.

Also childcare wise: my parents are under 60 and in the financially secure position to reduce hours to help with childcare (they still climb munros and have tonnes of energy) and my partner's parents retired recently in their early 60s, live nearby and are also incredibly energetic in perfect shape who complain they have nothing to do when they're not travelling and have offered to take the baby a few days a week when I go back to uni after the summer. If we had waited another 10 years, I don't know if we would have had that kind of childcare support available to us. Our kid will also have a great relationship with both sets of grandparents due to their high activity levels.

It's absolutely a personal choice... I'm 24 currently 23 when baby was born (2 months before 24th birthday), I was so paranoid people would say I was too young etc (especially as we're not married) but now I have my dd I couldn't care less what people think... I got pregnant accidentally and then miscarried st 10 weeks after that all I wanted was a baby & got pregnant with dd a month or so after miscarriage

As others have said, it's horses for courses. I've just had DS2 (9 weeks ago) and have recently turned 37. DS1 is 2.

There's not a chance in hell I'd have had kids earlier, they weren't even remotely on my radar. I spent my 20s getting a PhD and traveling the world. I met my DH when I was 26 on the other side of the planet (he's a different nationality) and we've since lived in 5 countries before settling (for the moment) where we are now and starting a family.

Some people aren't interested in this and are ready earlier. It'd be a boring old world if we were all the same!

What a refreshingly mature outlook you have dkb15164. Good look with your impending arrival!

Hopefully Praisebe will learn to have an ounce of your maturity when she grows up!

OP - do what you think is right for you - everyone's situations are different & as a PP has said, everyone's opinions will differ on the matter. Wishing you well with it all!

I feel sorry for babies born to parents in their late 30s and early 40s they get so little time with them before they die it's not fair on the children

There’s no need to feel sorry for my kids, we met late and are in stable careers and have climbed the career ladder enough to provide them with financial security. I don’t intend on keeling over any time soon either. For me personally having kids younger would have been a bad idea.

OP, there is no one right time to start a family. If you do it young you have more energy for example. If you do it later you might be a bit more financially stable. Swings and roundabouts.

Age alone is not the chief indicator of how good a parent is. Good parenting basically boils down to a stable and loving environment with healthy emotional boundaries, and plenty of love, repeated for decades

It’s not about age, or money, or fancy toys, or attachment parenting or organic food or slings or any feeding method or any of the other window dressing stuff. It’s about consistent, stable, loving interactions with your children. That is it, basically. Sounds simple, is actually exhausting and a long term slog :) you can do that when you’re rich, or poor, gay or straight, married or cohabiting, younger or older. Money makes it a bit easier. I’m sure being younger gives you more energy ;)

If you’re in a stable relationship and have a stable home and finances, and you feel this is right for you, then crack on 👍

dkb15164
Can I just say, for 20 years old, your a lot more mature then I was at that age.
You make some fantastic points (before people say other wise) and I think that was some great advice for the OP.

I also wanna say that I’m 30 years old. And ttc #1.
If I had of been in a good position with a nice partner when I was your age, I would have had children too. And I wish I had.

30 is a good age ( and an average age) these days to have a child and I do own my own home now which I’m proud off as rent rates are high and our mortgage is low (but like pp said with the economy the way it is, there’s no knowing what can happen)
But I have had a lot of health and hormones troubles the last couple of years and I’m scared to death I’m going to experience problems. I’ve already had one miscarriage.

Also, my parents are a lot older and my dad has recently had a couple of more heart scares and it worries me he won’t have long with his grandchildren.
These are things I can’t change and I have to accept them but I do wish I’d had them younger. Though I’m sure there are a lot of 30 something mums that are glad they did.

I don’t know when the worlds opinions changed to that women having children younger was an issue, because my mum had her first at 21 and my nan had her first at 17 and that was considered normal. Back then having your first at 27 was considered weird and being an older mum.
It is strange how society looks at a 21 year old Mum as a bad thing. I’ve alwasy thought this.

But what I’m trying to say is do what is right for you. If you feel ready then do it.
Good luck x

I had my first at 21 and my second at 24. I got a few raised eyebrows with DD1 but I'd been with OH for ages by then and couldn't give a toss what they thought.

Having kids this young hasn't impacted my career, which was my biggest concern (I started a fairly prestigious grad scheme when she turned 3 months, and that set me up really well). I'm actually quite pleased how its turned out because I will have got kids out of the way early on and can really motor on with no breaks once I am ready to.

I love that I have plenty of energy for running about after them. My Mum was 37 when she had me and 42 by the time she had my brother. She was a great mum but definitely had a hard time keeping up with him during his toddler years in particular!

I just want to add that I think getting married first is a really personal thing for others to be pushing on you . There's no reason to say you're not committed enough just because you're not married or that you ought try that out first. Seems a very dated view IMO. I have never planned on being married and I'm sure I get judged for that far more than being a younger mum tbh.

Pros and cons to younger and older i guess. All the mums at my toddler group were older apart from 1 20 yr old, and mostly at the school gate. 22 was way to young for me but you sound as though you’re in a good place and I wish i had started a little younger than mid 30’s but wasn’t ready.

Think about protecting yourself with marriage, a lot of younger people seem to be unaware or underestimate it.

Years ago it would have also been normal to start having babies at 14 so I do not think that that is a good measure. I don't think that you are too young but I do think that you are too unmarried. Marriage provides legal protections for both of you are should be a priority before having children just like buying a house or ensuring that you have a plan re childcare. It's really not about age but rather planning ahead