Husband drinking

[Archie1982]

Hello.

This is my first post on here. It’s early pregnancy for me, so I feel I don’t have anyone to go to on this.

I’ve been in tears for the last hour (possibly hormones!). I’m 6 weeks pregnant with my first and my husband just got home from a day of drinking for st.patricks. He’s in a bit of a drunk state. He’s been drinking to tipsy and drunk scales every fri, sat and Sunday in the three weeks since we found out.

Am I wrong for getting upset that he doesn’t seem to be thinking of me in this? I was so upset when he got in I told him I was disgusted. He pretty much told me to stop using that I’m pregnant and where to go.

He thinks he’s being good because he’s not having any drinks midweek.

Is it too much to ask that he maybe shows more consideration to me?

I feel trapped now and I feel like he knows that. He doesn’t seem to get how this stresses me out.

He has been doing other good things, lots of cleaning etc.

I got upset about the drinking the other day and he laughed at me. I may not be that pregnant, but to laugh at your wife when she’s crying just seems so cruel.

I couldn’t sleep in the week because he was fidgeting and kind of snoring in bed - I stroked his back to get him to turn over and he told me to f*ck off.

I can’t do this :’(

This is a baby we both want, so it’s not him responding to that. He’s always drunk too much and doesn’t know when to stop.

Well obviously he's being a twat, which you know. You say he laughs at you when you try to talk about it - is he always this awful and dismissive of your feelibgs?
How much did he drink before you were pregnant?

He would drink more - cans of beer midweek too. He would get to a point now and again where you couldn’t move him. He just doesn’t know when to stop.

He apologised for it the other day - but then does it again. So there’s no point in him apologising as he clearly doesn’t mean it.

We both used to enjoy ourselves and have drinks. Before I fell pregnant he’d lecture me if I had a couple of glasses of wine that I wasn’t taking trying for a baby seriously.

I think it’s at a problem level and I stupidly thought it’d change. I think I’m also upset that my feelings don’t come into it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I don't have much useful advice, but I can hand hold. My husband much behaves this way too. In fact, I'm awake now, because I've woken up and he's not here. Still on the booze I suppose!

I think some men do behave this way during pregnancy. Even when its a wanted pregnancy, they tend to freak out that its the end of the world and act completely immaturely.

Do try talking to him when you are both completely calm and can vocalise your feelings without getting upset. Possibly try couples councelling. Any issues in your relationship get magnified in those first few, sleepless, weeks of becoming new parents so don't put it off.
But, right now, focus on you and try and get the rest you need. Its late

I don't want to make you feel bad when you already are, but why did you think he'd change when you got pregnant? Genuine question.
Don't give him a hard time and then "allow" hin to do it again. I don't like the term allow, but I just mean why wouldn't he keep doing it if you're not going to do anything about it?
I don't agree with ultimatums, but if it's a deal breaker for you let him know now and let him decide what he does with that information. Nect time he does it could you go and stay with friends or family for a few days? Let him know you're serious about it.

If he has a record for drinking heavily, you being pregnant is not going to change that! It was naive to think it would.

If you are concerned, you need to talk to him when he is sober and tell him how you feel. If that doesn't change his behaviour (and it likely won't) you really have to decide if this is the life you are willing to raise our child in.

Don't give him a hard time and then "allow" hin to do it again. I don't like the term allow, but I just mean why wouldn't he keep doing it if you're not going to do anything about it? Op isn't allowing him to do it at all. He is a grown man. She is asking for advise, as she doesn't know WHAT to do about it.

You’re completely right MissBax. And deep down I think I knew it was more of a problem for it to not stop in the light of pregnancy.

Unfortunately i live far away from family. I’m tempted to go and stay in a hotel for a few days though to try and give him a bit of a wake up call.

We don’t want to tell anyone about the pregnancy as it’s v early days - I’m tempted to speak to his sister about it though. He does listen to his family more then me.

He was with some of our close friends today, so he sees it as me being unreasonable that I would expect him to leave what was a fun day. I was meant to go, but it would have been too obvious to them all to not being drinking (they’re all Irish - so it’s their biggest drinking day of the year!)

Thank you for your sweet message Abitcrapreally - the hand hold is lovely. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone say something caring like that.

I hope your husband gets home soon and you get some rest too x

Thanks. The stupid fecker is still out, but he did text me back to say he's ok at least, so I'll go back to bed soon.
Its St Paddys so I'm a bit more leniant than I might otherwise be.
My husband can be an immature arse though at times.
This is our 3rd baby, (I'm 21 weeks) so its a well trodden path. But with him it can feel like he is child number 4!

Wide awake because mine is snoring after a St Patricks night out.

He is Irish, he actually came home ok and before midnight. I said to him this is your last night to go out like he might normally do (I am 35 weeks).

He does seem to stop drink on/ off he says its so he doesn’t get stuck in a rut with it. For him its almost cultural, he goes out with mates 3/4 pints is normal. He speaks to family on the phone they almost always have a drink on them. He doesn’t go out often since I have been pregnant but when he does he can still go over the top.

We were able to chat about it and for us it worked. He knows I would never forgive him if he couldn’t come to hospital with me. I think for him he would be ashamed as he knows I would tell our Familys.

OP what I am trying to say is chat to him, we did it out for a walk.

Men can be immature assholes at times but on the whole they will pull their socks up when needed.

Why should he not drink if you're pregnant?
I'm trying to encourage my OH to have more fun before the baby's here...he'll get less chance after!
That said, if it's all the time that would annoy me too... but not because I'm pregnant; purely because that's not the kind of relationship I would want to have with someone.
The only way I could see it being specifically an issue for pregnancy is if he's crashing around when you get back and waking you..?

After re-reading your post he does sound like a twat in general though. I had an ex like that. You don't have to be with him!

My OH is a terrible binge drinker but over the last few years has voluntarily reduced a little. It does sound like yours is at least trying to take steps (the no drinking in the week thing). I think it’s normal for men to go a little off the rails when their partner is expecting their first but you’re also totally within your rights to set some reasonable rules to preserve your health/sanity. Start with asking him to keep it to Friday & Saturday, then he could pick one weekend night to drink as your pregnancy progresses. He does sound decent if he’s pulling his weight around the house. Some people are just boozers & you have to live with it (like me 🙄) until they decide to cut down themselves.

You can't make him stop by talking to his family or moving into a hotel to give him a "wake up call".
If his drinking is a problem (which it sounds like it is) then you need to leave. He will only stop if HE sees it as a problem.

What is it you want op? Do you wish him to stop drinking as you're pregnant? Limit it even further, and if so to what? Do you wish him to not go out?

I didn't expect my husband to not drink as I was pregnant, so I can't say I get where you're coming from, or really what you want.

Thanks Surrygirl1987. I don’t expect him to give up drinking - honestly happy for him to have a few beers. My issue is that he can’t seem to stop himself and that he has gotten a wee bit nasty when I’ve asked him to stop. He will drink until he runs out of alcohol or passes out sometimes. He can get mortal drunk and walk around in his sleep.

I’ve slept on the sofa several nights because he’s so drunk / and or argumentative, that I can’t get him out of bed.

I was so upset last night just because I wanted a little bit of consideration, which isn’t much to ask. I am the pregnant one, but we’re both in this!

I am a huge worrier though - when he’s that drunk he can stumble into the road and I worry about him getting run over.

Bluntness100 - I just want him to be in control of it and have a few beers rather than continuing to a point he is completely blotted or being unkind to me.

I kind of see it that if it’s so important to drink that you’ll fall out with your wife just because she wants you to slow down, then you have a drink problem.

You poor thing. Does he acnowdge he has a drinking problem. Would he be open to seeing a GP?

It's likely things will get worse not better so I would think about a plan for once the baby arrives so that you can get the support you need.

....one more thing to add here too. Before I was pregnant, if I went for drinks with friends or colleagues, I would have hell to pay when I got home (and I would rarely get drunk from it). I would get constant calls while I was out and messages calling me a disgrace or saying I go out too much - these would start by 7pm in the evening!!).

So I think the hypocrisy gets to me too here.

This isn’t about him driving while you’re pregnant. This is about your relationship having some serious problems. He sounds horrible.

Drinking not driving above.

He has a drink problem.
He is controlling.
He's nasty to you.
Seriously the drink is only a small part of this. He's not a good husband and he isn't going to be a good parent or role model if he's acting like this.

He sounds like a complete arse from your posts. I can only assume he has major redeeming features, otherwise I'd question why you're having a baby with him.

He needs to address his drinking before he becomes a father.

What Wolfie said.
He doesn’t “just” have a drinking problem. He is also abusive. Neither of those things are going to change just because you’re pregnant. In fact he’ll probably treat you worse because you’re more vulnerable and dependent on him now. You probably think you have to make it work for the baby’s sake. You don’t. In fact, you have to leave for the baby’s sake. That baby deserves a mother who is safe and happy and not being abused by her partner. No father at all is better than an abusive alcoholic.

Some reading for you

Signs of emotional abuse

Right, listen up everybody

Alcohol and domestic violence