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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband no longer wants to carry on pregnancy

51 replies

Willows8 · 14/03/2018 10:12

Hello, I've name changed for this. I'm on my 2nd pregnancy, we have a beautiful 3 yr old DC who my husband adores and they are very close. For a long time DH didnt want another child as he was happy with our little unit and my 1st pregnancy was awful (Hyperemesis, 3 admissions, 2 blood transfusions and an emergency C). Then middle of last yr changed his mind and was open to a 2nd child. When I found out I was pregnant he was so excited, but this pg has been worse. Hyperemess has been so bad I've been left unable to do much, constantly vomiting and in pain, have been admitted and signed off work. DH has been looking after DC mostly and has said to me today that he hates to watch me suffer so much. He wishes we had never gotten pregnant and that there were options. I explained I'm 15 weeks so abortion physically isn't an option, and not one I would want to do anyway as I couldn't give up on the baby in me no matter how ill I am. He says that you can get an abortion but it's fine he's said his thoughts I've said mine and we will just have to rumble on. He would never push me into anything and I know he is thinking of this as he can't manage how physically ill I am and he hates to see me so rough. It's not the first time in this pg he has suggested it and I'm just feeling so sad and low that he wants to end it. I feel alone in it and hurt that he doesn't want to protect the baby in me. He says his main concern is for our DC who he thinks it is impacting negatively seeing me so ill, but I want to protect the baby in me who needs me to get thru this. Feel so alone right now

OP posts:
meme70 · 14/03/2018 10:30

Sorry your poorly
He has no bond with the baby pretty normal for a man he’s upset watching you go through hell.

I lost twins and a baby just before 3 years ago to sepsis the last baby I was 5 months pregnant and stayed in bed 3 soils months my husband was distant the whole time

Maybe say I need your support and I know your concerns for me but it’s onky another few months and our family is complete and suggest he has a vasectomy so he doesn’t have to go through it again - your going through it but he seems a little self absorbed atm sadly.

You can abort babies until 24 weeks but you’d have to give birth to it I was 20 weeks when I got sepsis and they induced me I can’t give birth as my cervix isn’t normal I knew this but they ignore me as I had 3 c sections
Do you think you and he would want you to give birth to a baby and see it die ?

I don’t think Doctors would terminate tbh you’d have to be seriously ill DO NOT DO ANYTHING YOU SONT WANT EVER.
He needs to man up I had very very very bad sickness last time so I know how you feel xx

MotherofaSurvivor · 14/03/2018 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Esker · 14/03/2018 17:30

motherofasurvivor
"Please don't say 'the baby in me' it's so crass! " Hmm I think it's crass to berate the OP's choice of words. Not the time for opinions on language choices I dare say.

OP, really sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. Can only agree with advice from previous posters that you shouldn't let yourself be pushed to do anything you don't want to do. It sounds as though you are fully committed to the pregnancy. As your partner's main concern is for your well-being, maybe just as much explanation to him as possible that the best way to support you is just to help you through this time. It must be agony, but if won't last forever. Understand that you're both worried about it being tough on your DC seeing you sick. Is she old enough to understand / have it explained to her the reasons for you being unwell, and crucially that it won't last forever and ultimately will lead to something special- the new baby?

surreygirl1987 · 14/03/2018 17:41

@motherofasurvivor

"Please don't say 'the baby in me' it's so crass!" Seriously?!?!?

DogWoman123 · 14/03/2018 17:44

Apart from being a really insensitive thing to say atm, how is it even crass?!

ClareB83 · 14/03/2018 17:51

I can understand your DH being more worried about his wife and his current child, who he has an existing connection with, than your unborn baby. Especially this early in the pregnancy it's probably still a bit unreal for him.

But it is only five/six more months - a short time in all your lives. I'm sure you can get through it if you decide to and I'm sure he'll support you in the end, especially when he starts feeling baby move!

Is there other family help you can call on to support you all while you feel so sick?

ReversingSnail · 14/03/2018 18:17

Tell him to stop suggesting it as it isn't helpful and isn't what you want. Tell him how he can support you in ways you'd find helpful.

FranticallyPeaceful · 14/03/2018 18:27

It isn’t his decision.

Once baby is here he will be grateful of what you endured and why Flowers

Original poster
Willows8 · 14/03/2018 18:51

Sorry for the late reply, been admitted again due to 4+ ketones. Thank you all for your advice, I talked it through with him and I know he is struggling but i told him its just not something i could do, i feel i can get through this eventually and it will be worth it and he has accepted what i said. He spoke to my mother who has advised him to lean on them for help to take the pressure off. Thank you all for the support it's nice to have somewhere to go where you can talk about things openly.

OP posts:
NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 14/03/2018 20:00

Hi OP, I totally get you and your husbands views, even where they may conflict. I too am pg with second DC and have had awful hyperemesis. 15 weeks is pretty horrific and thankfully for most people it does get a bit better.

Ot sounds to me that your husband was just voicing his frustration with the situation, which he is entitled to do. I've considered termination and I wouldn't be surprised if my DH suggested it. This is something we both want tho and we know it is time limited (PRAISE FUCKING BE).

Don't be too hard on yourselves. It's a shitty situation to be in. It WILL pass, and hopefully you've got good access to medical help and support to get you through.

I'm not bloody doing it again though, I can promise you that!!!

Original poster
Willows8 · 14/03/2018 20:06

NerNer I second that thought! Never again!

OP posts:
MotherofaSurvivor · 14/03/2018 21:33

What is wrong with the term 'crass' I'm actually astounded that people would report someone's post just because they have a different opinion?!?! This isn't North Korea this is an Open Forum

kirinm · 14/03/2018 21:45

That's a bit ironic isn't it given that it was you who tried to tell the OP what she could and couldn't say.

NameChange30 · 14/03/2018 21:49

Sorry you’re having such a difficult pregnancy Flowers

In defence of your husband it sounds as if he is just concerned about your health and well-being. I think now you’ve talked it through and he understands that you absolutely want to continue with the pregnancy he should hopefully support you in that.

Oh and a technical point:
“I explained I'm 15 weeks so abortion physically isn't an option”
If you did want to end the pregnancy (which I know you don’t) it is possible up to 24 weeks, although obviously the earlier the better. Just wanted to make that clear in case it’s relevant for anyone else reading.

Smellyjo · 14/03/2018 21:52

@Motherofasurvivor, crass means insensitive, gross and so like others Im not sure I understand what you mean and also feel it was a really shitty comment to make to someone having a hard time. Would you say that to someone in real life while talking about these circumstances?

OP, sorry that you are going through this. It sounds incredibly hard for both of you. Wishing you improved symptoms very soon. Flowers

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 14/03/2018 21:57

Well don't you just bring joy to every thread you visit, Motherofasurvivor.

PlasticWatch · 14/03/2018 22:01

Indeed flex

Original poster
Willows8 · 15/03/2018 16:27

So I thought we had made some progress but apparently not. He has moved on from asking for the termination but we had a huge argument in the phone because he is annoyed I'm having to stay another night when I told him earlier I was coming home.lots of this vs were said, among them that we all think he's a.monster and the bad guy. When I told him my parents wanted to support him he kicked off more saying he doesn't bloody need support or help he doesn't need a fucking hug. He also sent me a video last night of my DS crying for mummy at the top of the stairs. I told him it was a mean and nasty thing to do but apparently I'm being over dramatic and twisting everything. I'm going home this evening and I just don't want to see him. I tried to be so understanding of where he was coming from and how he was feeling and his words to me were "it doesn't matter if I'm understanding it doesn't matter". It doesn't help he was the same self absorbed got in the first pregnancy bit I really thought he had learned. Feeling so low right now. About to start on steroid treatment so hopefully will take physical symptoms away, but starting to feel it's just me in this pregnancy, again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willows8 · 15/03/2018 16:29

Apologies for the awful spelling I'm a bit emotional and not taking my time, also to be clear when I rung him I was going to be staying in but the docs have changed their minds again

OP posts:
Topseyt · 15/03/2018 16:49

Are your parents near enough to give you some support? Are they able to have your DD at times?

Are they aware that your DH is being so unreliable and downright nasty with his "support" right now? If not then tell them, so that you have some real life support, not reliant your husband.

I can see that this is hard and stressful for both of you, but he sounds like he is blaming you for it, and that is shitty behaviour from him.

Go to your parents with your DD if you can. Tell DH that if he doesn't want support then he doesn't have to have it, but you do need it and he clearly is coming up short there.

I hope the steroids improve things. Sorry you are going through this.

Sushirolls · 15/03/2018 16:52

Flowers Willows8 your DH is using emotional blackmail, that is awful to use your son as a weapon like that!

I agree with Topseyt, I would definately go and stay with your parents with DD, if that is a possibility x

expatinscotland · 15/03/2018 16:59

I'd go stay with your folks. You don't need the stress. He's being a twat.

Viviennemary · 15/03/2018 17:00

I agree that his attitude is far from helpful in your present condition and circumstances. I just wouldn't want that coming from a partner. He should shut up with his ideas about an abortion if you aren't even considering it. He sounds totally horrible underneath a mask of concern. That would be my take on the situation.

LikeSilver · 15/03/2018 17:05

I’m a volunteer peer supporter for Pregnancy Sickness Support and we not only offer support to women suffering hyperemesis but to my knowledge there is also a partner’s Facebook group and a partner’s private section on the forum. If that would be any help at all please feel free to PM me for further details.

Original poster
Willows8 · 15/03/2018 17:05

My parents know, it drives them scatty the way he behaves, but they are really super close to him as he has been like a son to them from before we started dating. I know my parents would let us stay if I asked, and I considered it but my DS has had a rough 3 days he hasnt seen me or been at home much at all and i feel it would better for him to be home cwtched in his own bed with his teddys and me tonight. My DH is trying to lay it on thick now texting that he doesnt care if im mad at him he just wants me home, but dont be too mad for long. Im passed mad. I feel gutted out. I love him dearly but being honest with myself he is not a nice person a lot of the time. I tried so hard to be understanding and im furious that all ive had is snide remarks, moaning and digs since i came into hospital. He never once bothered to ask for visiting. I'm sorry I know I'm kicking off and moaning now, I just feel so let down these last two days between all the nasty comments and messages, and the grief over wanting a termination coz it is so awful and no good and he can't see how I can manage. I'm sorry to complain at you all but I feel uncomfortable talking about it all with family and friends about it

OP posts: