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Original poster

To feel sad that my OH has done it all before...

43 replies

AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 19:27

Is anyone else having a baby with someone who has already had one? Starting to sink in that he's done it all before with another woman. His daughter doesn't bother me, I like having her around. I just can't get rid of this feeling of him not being excited, and knowing the midwife can't say 'congratulations on your first born' to us. Am I being silly?

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DontDrinkDontSmoke · 08/03/2018 19:30

I’m glad his daughter doesn’t bother you. I hope you don’t bother her.

Yes, you’re being silly. I would have felt the same way as you do so I had kids with someone who didn’t have any already.

Ruth1988 · 08/03/2018 19:35

I haven't experienced this so can't tell you how I would feel BUT I can tell you that we are now expecting our 2nd in May and it is a completely different pregnancy to our first! I think every pregnancy is different and every birth is different so please try to remind yourself that he is unlikely to be comparing the two 😊!

sirlee66 · 08/03/2018 19:36

I would feel the same as you, OP, if my husband had children already.

Try to look at the positives... he'll have more experience and so will be able to answer any questions you might have.

Congrats on your pregnancy!!!

PenguinChristmas · 08/03/2018 19:37

Try and think of it as still newband exciting as it’s with you. A completely different person to the mother of his daughter and each pregnancy / baby is different so some bits will definitely feel new to your OH.

I have a son already from a previous relationship but this pregnancy / my husband are so different to last time I’m finding things new and exciting again this time. Lots of firsts for us still xx

QforCucumber · 08/03/2018 19:38

I don't recall any midwife saying 'congrats on your first born' .... it was more 'it's a boy, congratulations, now daddy hold him while we sort mum out'
It's his first with you so still a new experience.

Original poster
AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 19:39

@DontDrinkDontSmoke I may well bother her, when I ask her to tidy her room, cook her dinner she doesn't want, put her toys away in the wrong place, tell her off for being naughty. In fact I probably bother her a lot!

Unfortunately life isn't always that easy and you don't always fall for people who are childless. You say you'd feel the same way as me, but you tell me I'm being silly...? This is a bit of a contradiction, so unless you think I'm being silly for being with someone who has a child and should have chosen to fall for someone childless, I'm going to ignore your unhelpful comment!

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Original poster
AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 19:40

@Ruth1988 @sirlee66 thank you! It's only just occurred to me that he's done it before and has compared it to his experience with his ex a couple of times. It just bothers me a bit that's all...

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Original poster
AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 19:41

@PenguinChristmas thank you! It's not the end of the world and I'm not crying over my cereal about it. I just had a bit of a realisation that he's done it all before so it's not a totally new experience for him!

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64BooLane · 08/03/2018 19:41

“His daughter doesn’t bother me” sounds bad, OP. I appreciate you probably didn’t mean it to be dismissive and awful, but it’s a pretty tone-deaf thing to say.

Otherwise: YAB a bit U but then, many of us are U while pregnant. Feelings run high. I agree with the pp who said it’s unlikely your OH is comparing the two experiences. It’s different and amazing every time.

Original poster
AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 19:42

@QforCucumber you're probably right! It's more when people ask 'is it your first' - I would love to just say 'yes' rather than having to explain. I should just say yes anyway a it's our first together. Thanks for your answer Smile

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surreygirl1987 · 08/03/2018 19:44

I don't think you're being silly... I'd feel the same way. But I guess there's not exactly anything you can do about it other than just try to enjoy the experience!

pumpkinbump · 08/03/2018 19:44

I can understand why you feel like you do but try not to let it get you down. After all, he is the one you wanted a baby with, the alternative would have been either finding someone else or not having one at all. So I'm sure this is the best option of the three for you.

Original poster
AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 19:45

@64BooLane she doesn't bother me! I meant that aka it doesn't bother me that he has a child. I adore her. Just to set that straight. I think people on here like to twist words a bit when they know what you really mean.

He's actually compared the experienced vocally in front of me. 'She didn't have that symptom', 'she wanted to have her baby this way', 'we didn't do that'. It's just bothering me a bit. I wondered whether anyone had any experience of it, that's all Smile

Thanks for your response

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Original poster
AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 19:47

@surreygirl1987 @pumpkinbump thank you both. I didn't want to invite any hard feelings on this post. I just wondered whether anyone had any experience of this. It's just hard letting go of not being able to give him his first. It's not a deal breaker otherwise I wouldn't be with him! Just wondered what other people did to ease these feelings..

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Cordeliand · 08/03/2018 19:51

Hello, and yes! I am 5 months pregnant with my first, and my partner has a 6 year old son. I do get a bit sad about it at times, but I try to focus on the good stuff - having been through it before he’s very understanding, knows a lot about all of the various processes and tests, and I already know he’s a great dad. I think it’s normal to be a bit jealous of the past experience, but I focus on the positives and to be fair he’s great about not offering too many comparisons to what it was like when his ex was pregnant!

The one good thing about the rather unhelpful interjection from dontdrink is that it’s prompted me to actually sign up after a few weeks of lurking, to say you’re not alone in this...!

64BooLane · 08/03/2018 19:51

I don’t like to twist words; I just think people’s un-thought-through wording can sometimes be revealing. There are sometimes threads on here about people painfully recalling thoughtlessly hurtful things said to/about them in childhood, and it always breaks my heart a bit.

I don’t want to stir, honestly. I wish you and your family all the luck. Your feeling about this will pass, I think. It’s a huge big deal having a new baby and often the small niggles, even if valid, kind of fall away.

KindOfMagic · 08/03/2018 19:53

I don't think you're silly. My husband has a child from a previous relationship and DS is now 5 months old. I felt how you did during pregnancy and however irrational it might be you do feel a little robbed of the experience of going through the unknown together. It turns out though once he was born I was consumed by so many other things to worry about that it is not an issue at all now. And although I still get pangs of sadness that many of the firsts for me are not firsts for DH, it's just so insignificant now that DS is here to love. Congratulations.

Original poster
AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 19:54

@64BooLane sorry, I genuinely wasn't referring to you but a previous poster who's post I thought was unreasonable and passive aggressive! I thought you explained really well what you meant. My bad.

Don't get me wrong the excitement outweighs all of this. It's simply a little niggle I have! Thanks for your well wishes Smile

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Momo18 · 08/03/2018 19:57

Trust me it doesn't matter. I have three DC and each time felt like the first time. Also my last was my DH first, again felt new.

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 08/03/2018 19:57

It is your first, and it's his first baby with you.

Really people in the hospital won't give a shiny shite.

And if the second wasn't special then no one would go on to have a second child.

My ex had three before me, I envisaged him at the goal end of the birth lobbing DS out like something on a factory line...😂😂😂

Truth was he burst into tears, wailing about how beautiful he was and had trouble getting him out of his arms once he was dried and wrapped up.

Added bonus was my Ex was super calm and controlled, winding, changing swaddling and dealing with the crying.

He was an expert and I was a gibbering terrified mess. He certainly got me through the first couple of weeks.

I say a lot of bad things about him, but I'll give him that.

Original poster
AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 19:57

Thank you @Momo18 Smile

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Redken24 · 08/03/2018 19:58

Hello, definitely a usual normal thing I think in your situation.
Can say this cause it was me 2016 😂
In all honesty, your feelings are total valid but don't get down. This is your first child together and is special for that reason. Once your baby is here and healthy - these feelings will probably rear up now and again but it will feel very different compared to now (pregnancy).
You really won't care as much about previous.
I had an emcs and I was very glad my husband had load's of experience with nappies etc

user1499786242 · 08/03/2018 20:02

The comparing would really really upset me TBH

Reader1984 · 08/03/2018 20:03

Hi.. I feel the same as you. I find it quite hard.

Original poster
AriAliyah · 08/03/2018 20:04

@user1499786242 it does. I have had morning sickness and felt tired and he said 'she didn't have either of those symptoms you probably just need to go to bed earlier'

I ran myself a bath and cried for about 10 seconds before I realised how ridiculous I looked...

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