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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partner not keen on antenatal classes

26 replies

Mumtobeluc · 07/03/2018 13:56

Just wanted some advice really.
My partner hasn't been that interested in the pregnancy I bought him a funny first time dad's book hoping he might read that but he's not that sort of person I guess.

I have antenatal classes starting next month and he said he would come to the class about how to look after a newborn but wasn't interested in the other classes such as the labour one which I feel is important.

My mum's disabled so can't come and my sister only interested in like baby yoga kinda stuff as birth grosses her out which has left me feeling a bit worried about how I'll deal with the birth itself. I really wanted to have a Hypnobirth as I have anxiety and feel this would help me but my partner has laughed it off as hippy stuff.

My partner's great he runs his own business and supports us both so he's always got a lot on and I know he'll be a great dad. Maybe I'm just being selfish I don't know. First time mum and just a bit scared about going to classes on my own and giving birth.

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ineedamoreadultieradult · 07/03/2018 13:58

I didn't go to any classes and I was the mum!

iklboo · 07/03/2018 14:02

We only went to one class. After the woman running it described the head crowning as 'you open gently like a delicate flower' I lost interest. Plus she insisted that DH rub my back despite me telling her I can't stand anyone touching my back. Apparently I was 'shutting him out of the experience'.

I'm sure not all classes are like this though!

StickingWithIt · 07/03/2018 14:03

This would ring alarm bells for me, sorry.

The classes will make you feel more confident and he should be there to support you and to learn how to support you in labour if that's what you feel you need. If he can't see that then he doesn't sound very nice. And he 'hasn't been that interested in the pregnancy'. Is he really up for having this baby? Don't make excuses for him. Be honest with yourself. I'm speaking from experience.

PurpleGuppy · 07/03/2018 14:03

I think it's a bit off not going, even if it is just to support you. I bet he'll wish he had once labour starts and he's ill informed and not knowing what to do.
Having said that, my DH couldn't come because of work so I went with my sister, I think I would have felt very awkward going alone as our ones (NCT) were very couple orientated.

Twitchett22 · 07/03/2018 14:05

The two labour classes i went to were aimed at the mums so i can see why he thinks its not too important to go. However my dp went and there were some interesting bits for him. Like when they tell you about how you don't need to go to hospital as soon as you have your first contraction, thats the time when men panic so it's useful for them to hear stuff like that beforehand so they aren't as worried. Also my class went through induction, emcs etc and what the partners can expect, just to prepare them if things don't go to plan. Maybe just explain this to him and tell him its to stop him panicking at the time because he won't know if what's happening is normal or not.
There were ladies at my class by themselves though so don't worry about going on your own if he really doesn't want to go.

IndominousRex · 07/03/2018 14:06

I don’t think that you are the one being selfish. He should want to learn about labour so that he can support you.

Thistlebelle · 07/03/2018 14:06

Just explain that you need him there for support.

You are making a whole person, it’s not much to ask that he spares a couple of hours a week.

running3 · 07/03/2018 14:10

In my opinion any decent man would be supporting his partner/wife by her side during the biggest experience of her life. Hope he sees sense and you get some support.

ClareB83 · 07/03/2018 14:10

Is he planning on being there for the labour? Or is that just vagina stuff for you to do on your own too?!!

Seriously tell him to buck up his ideas and go to the class.

Bluebirdsky · 07/03/2018 14:14

How many weeks are you now? My DH has only really just started to show some interest and I am 23 weeks and this was after me having a bit of a hormonal sobbing fest about his lack of interest and how it was making me feel.
If going to classes and hypnobirthing are important to you then it really doesn't matter what other people did or didn't do, it's important to you and that's all that matters.
I would be tempted to sit him down and have a serious conversation with him, letting him know just how important this is to you and how his lack of interest is making you feel; he may just have not realised this and may think he has got plenty of time before these things happen!

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 07/03/2018 14:19

Does he think he will magically know how to support you during the different stages of labour or does he not care?

FranticallyPeaceful · 07/03/2018 14:29

The labour classes I went to with my first were all mums, no dad went to them. It wasn’t for birthing partners as such, other than tips on what to tell them to do in advance... so tbh he really would likely feel pretty strange being the only male there

Kilo3 · 07/03/2018 14:30

Traditionally men weren't really seen as part of the pregnancy/childbirth experience. My dad certainly would never have gone to an antenatal class, and my grandfather would not have even been allowed to go! Perhaps he's been brought up to feel the same way - it wont mean that he wont be a great dad once the baby is here (my dad was the best ever and my mother tells me he seemed completely indifferent when she was pregnant!). However if you really want him to go then make it clear that he will be doing it for you. Babies are a bit hypothetical for men.

Steeley113 · 07/03/2018 14:35

I didn’t even go to them, my DH would have refused to. He’s not into that sort of thing. He was there for the birth, was as supportive as he could be (I don’t want to be touched or spoken to when in labour) and is the best father you could ask for. He adores his kids, does everything for them. I don’t think not wanting to go to an antenatal class means he’s not supportive or rings alarm bells, just that he doesn’t want to sit in a room of other people talking about babies.

LastOneDancing · 07/03/2018 14:51

I'd be really pissed off.
You're about to do something massive and scary (because it is first time) and he isn't interested in anything that doesn't directly benefit him?
More power to all the mums on here free birthing solo in the lounge, but it's not too much to ask your DP to come to a couple of classes.

I would remind him that he's going to have to do a lot of stuff he doesn't particularly want to for many years ahead, and to get some practice in now

And if hypnobirthing appeals to you, you don't need his permission. I have used the techniques many times outside of the labour ward so it's a good tool to have! You can get a CD if you don't want to go to classes alone, although it's a good place to meet other soon to be mums.

leighdinglady · 07/03/2018 15:21

You're pregnant for 9 months and he can't spare a few evenings?! The support is essential. At our class everyone's partners were there and I would have been embarrassed saying "dp can't be arsed" whilst they all paired up
We've also made some brilliant friends

lightoflaluna · 07/03/2018 15:31

The fact that you want him to come with you is the important bit, whether or not he will find it interesting is irrelevant. It's a few hours of his life and it will make you feel better.

The ones i went to were run by a midwife and were very informative about the biology of labour and childbirth. We were both pleased we went.

Original poster

Mumtobeluc · 07/03/2018 15:46

Hey thanks for sharing your stories and giving me advice.

I spoke to my sister and she's had a change of heart and is really up for going and being a birthing partner which took me by surprise. Maybe it's because it's more real now.

I'm nearly 25 weeks. I'm really happy she's interested now I think as I have her I'll be fine.

Regards to my partner he just thinks everything will go smoothly and that I don't need to worry or think about the complications that could happen in birth as that's being negative which is something I'm guilty of doing all the time.

I'm one of those people who likes to know all the facts and statistics so I can reasuree myself whereas he's more optimistic and just think it'll be okay which it will be I'm sure but makes it difficult to discuss things without being told I'm being negative if that makes sense.

Hes had a heart operation whilst I've been pregnant so we haven't got any baby stuff yet other than clothes and a baby changing unit as that was all we could think about at the time but all is good now.

He does love me and is over the moon about us having a baby he's been the one buying cute baby girl clothes and talks about the future and how amazing it'll be.
So maybe he's scared to?

Going to talk to him later about it. I think at times aswell it all doesn't seem real. I know as soon as she's her he'll be the best Dad.

I think a lot of it is that he's going by what his mum thinks but she had c sections for all her children and thinks I shouldn't read about baby stuff and thought it was werid I had an app on my phone and that I found out the sex of the baby. So he's don't worry approach probably comes from her.

We have watched one born every minute together and he doesn't mind that so hoping some of that will sink in and he'll understand some of what going on if I'm out of it on gas and air haha

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumtobeluc · 07/03/2018 15:52

Thanks for pointing out I can do the Hypnobirthing with CDs and don't really need him to do that. My sister says she's up for it so I'm going to make it part of my birth plan to stay as positive and as calm as possible.

I'm giving birth in a midwife unit so will only have gas and air but I'll also have a pool and lovely room to make as relaxing as possible so I'm hopeful it'll be beautiful and that I can do this without tramatising him or my sister.

OP posts:

DrWhy · 07/03/2018 15:52

My DH was somewhat cynical about Hypnobirthing but agreed to me arranging classes. We had a private class where the tutor came to us at home and he really got interested in them, we had a much more open discussion than we would have had in a bugger group I think. He also then bagged me to do my affirmations and listen to the relaxation track. It put me in a really positive mindset and when it came to the birth he was brilliant. It helps that he is interested in medical stuff generally and was very keen to be my advocate if I was in a position where I couldn’t properly make my wishes known.
If you can afford it I’d definitely recommend a hypnobirthing class at home.

Chocolateismylife · 07/03/2018 15:53

Neither me nor my DH particularly wanted to go but as first time parents we realised any information was helpful. So we both went & we meet a lovely couple who we are still friends with 4 years later. One of my closest friends.

I had quite a traumatic first birth & was adamant I wanted to do hypnobirthing with my second. My DH felt really uncomfortable with the whole concept (after attending a trial class) so I went to women only ones. I learnt the techniques & just explained to him afterwards. I got more out of it this way, I wasn’t thinking about him, I was thinking about me. This resulted in me having my DD with me completely in control with zero pain relief (not even G&A) & in a calm atmosphere. It’s important they are a support but also important to know there limitations, I knew my DH would be a huge support to me even without going to the hypnobirthing classes.

DrWhy · 07/03/2018 15:53

FGS - bigger not bugger obviously and nagged not bagged

Original poster

Mumtobeluc · 07/03/2018 15:57

Chocolateismylife thanks for sharing your experience. I know he'll do his best when I'm in labour and I think going to an all female class sounds really good as you're right I won't be thinking oh no he doesn't like it or is bored. I'll just be focusing on me and what I need to learn from it.

OP posts:

mortgageadvice123 · 07/03/2018 16:05

My DH didn't really want to come either but he did because I wanted him to. It was fairly useful as they told you what to expect. TBH though it went on for too long and I don't think DH was really listening after the first half hour. I felt like it could have been summarise in one hour. I did a BF one though which was great and I was glad DH came with me he actually remembered the info better than me when it came to it.

Ohyesiam · 07/03/2018 16:08

He doesn't give birth, so he doesn't have the right to rubbish your ideas . if you are interested in Hypno birthing, go for it.
Could you look into getting a doula to be present at the birth.

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