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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Friends don’t understand

32 replies

Alicia870 · 06/03/2018 19:16

I have 2 close friends who both have no kids and never had a pregnancy before. I’m finding it really difficult at the moment with feeling unsupported by them. I’m coming to end of my first trimester and I’ve had sickness and vomiting for the past few weeks. They know I haven’t been well but rarely ask how I’m feeling. I only opened up to them about the pregnancy in the hope of having someone to talk to about it as they’re close to me but it hasn’t worked out that way.
We have a group chat and one of them did ask how I was the other night. I said I’m still feeling really sick and throwing up a few times a day and said it’s tough at the minute. They both made jokes and said if you think it’s bad now what will you be like when the baby comes. They have also made comments about other people who ‘never complained’ and ‘flew through their pregnancy’. I literally never text or call them saying I’m feeling crap but I only respond to them asking so I hardly think I’m complaining. I feel really isolated and misunderstood and feel that if they ask me again I will just have to say I’m fine even if I’m not as I feel like they’re judging me for not coping as well as others. We’ve all been through a lot and they are good friends but I find their comments hurtful and unsupportive and I’m worried about how having a baby will affect our relationships if they have such a lack of understanding. Has anyone else experienced this with friends?

OP posts:

surreygirl1987 · 06/03/2018 19:22

Yeh kind of but I don't really care tbh. I've only told 2 friends so far ... they're both happy for me but one is genuinely intetested and making an effort and the other one is a bit awkward about it and rarely mentions it. But so what? They've never been through this themselves and can't possibly understand what it's like..
and it's not their fault! Do you have a partner who can be supportive if you're struggling?

sirlee66 · 06/03/2018 19:24

Other people's babies/pregnancies are just not interesting or important to others. Sorry, OP.

Original poster

Alicia870 · 06/03/2018 19:25

Yea he is very supportive. I suppose it’s just upsetting to feel so detached from close friends - I would have thought I would be much more supportive of the show was on the other foot

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Hulaballoo · 06/03/2018 19:30

Unfortunately it's one of those life experiences.... They really aren't being empathic but they've never been through it and they won't really know what it's like until they're pregnant... Very frustrating and annoying and sad that they're not thinking outside their little bubble... It may take some honest talking with them but maybe let them know how you want to be supported? I'm a bit more like an injured animal...I tend to say I feel crap so going AWOL for a bit until I feel better... Hope you are ok though and the sickness will hopefully get easier... If it's really bad maybe consider medication from the doctor? Xx

Original poster

Alicia870 · 06/03/2018 19:36

Thanks - I want to give it another few weeks as I’m sure the sickness will settle. I understand what you’re saying about my pregnancy not really being that interesting to them. I do genuinely think I would have a lot more interest and empathy towards a good friend especially who confided in mr early. But we are all different! Maybe I’ll just have to suck it up and put on a mask for the next while

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TheCatsMother44 · 06/03/2018 19:37

I have brilliant friends but I wouldn't rely on them for support, to me that's what my partner is for.

I actually like how my close friends don't talk to me too much about my pregnancy and still treat me like a person rather than a lot of other friends and aquaintences only seem to talk to me about the fact I'm pregnant.

As rubbish as it may feel to you as well, your pregnancy just isn't very interesting to most people anyway, especially if they don't have kids themselves, those who ask you how things are towards the end are probably only doing it for a bit of gossip and to feel like they knew something before others which will wear very thin.

Try not to let it get to you, you're still very early on in your pregnancy and in time you'll grow a thick skin when it comes to pregnancy related questions and opinions.

PinkAvocado · 06/03/2018 19:37

It’s just not true that other people’s pregnancies or babies aren’t interesting. I’m interested in what is important in my friends’ lives and think it’s odd when friends can’t even ask after someone let aloe make comments to deliberately make them feel a bit crap.

Definitely ask doctor about help with sickness.

Anatidae · 06/03/2018 19:40

I don’t think people understand until they’ve experienced something. They’re not being terribly sympathetic but unfortunately there’s not much you can do about it. A lot of friendships do stop at this point where some people have kids and some don’t.
I had my kids late, and hopefully I’ve always been sympathetic to pregnancy Illness but even then lives diverged - I was moving around for work and they were doing the hard yards of parenting young kids.

Sickness is really grim, however severe it is, so my sympathies on that! Is it what you think is ‘grim but regular’ level of sickness or are you struggling to keep any food or fluid down? The latter needs medical attention.

GrooovyLass · 06/03/2018 19:41

Quite a long time since I was pregnant but boy do I remember the sickness! The thing is, before I experienced it is don't think I could ever have imagined it would be so bad. I think your friends probably just don't realise quite how debilitating it can be.

Original poster

Alicia870 · 06/03/2018 19:43

I’m being sick a few times a day but not huge volumes- I’m not losing too much food and fluid at all. It’s more the nausea and fatigue that is difficult. I hear what you’re all saying - i think it’s just one of those transitions in life that can be a bit difficult to get used to!

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Lavenderdays · 06/03/2018 20:00

Hi, yes, I can relate to this and ALL of my friends have had children...several years ago though. One friend is great and understands what I'm saying, another couple of friends are a bit irritating and say things like...hasn't time flown (with my pregnancy) and make the most of it....when I'm feeling awful, totally awful (now in late pregnancy), so its not easy for me to talk freely about how I'm really feeling. I've definitely had more support from ladies on the pregnancy forum than anything I've received in real life. Fortunately, I have not been dependent upon them for support - DH has taken the brunt of all of this x

Anatidae · 06/03/2018 20:05

The nausea and fatigue in the first trimester can be crushing. Try to rest as much as you possibly can - in my first pregnancy I just came home from work and went to bed. Hopefully it’ll improve in trimester two a bit. I don’t think I’ve ever been as tired as eary pregnancy.

Original poster

Alicia870 · 06/03/2018 20:09

Yes, it is completely exhausting and when it’s weeks on end it gets tough to cope. But I don’t even mind that as I am so happy to be pregnant and so excited to be having a baby. I’m glad I posted as I can see others feel the same and also that some people have put it in perspective for me. I do still feel quite sad though that this huge change in my life does not seem remotely important to them. Their comments comparing me to others really hurt. I am grateful to have a lovely and supportive husband and mum/sister though so I will be fine. Just sad that I don’t feel I can fully be myself with my friends for fear of looking like a moan or like I’m not managing if that makes sense

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Grobagsforever · 06/03/2018 20:10

Sorry OP. Other people's pregnancies aren't interesting. Also you're pregnant, not I'll, they can't be expected to check up on you all the time

CallMeOnMyCell · 06/03/2018 20:12

I don’t have any advice but I’m in a similar position. I have one friend who barely acknowledges my pregnancy, hasn’t asked me a single question (doesn’t even know the sex) and I feel awkward even mentioning it. It makes me sad as we used to be so close.
Friends who I didn’t expect to be supportive have been fantastic!

Original poster

Alicia870 · 06/03/2018 20:12

Never suggested that I expect them to check up on me all the time at all.

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greendale17 · 06/03/2018 20:13

I have brilliant friends but I wouldn't rely on them for support, to me that's what my partner is for.

^Rubbish. My friends were so supportive during my pregnancy and after.

CremeFresh · 06/03/2018 20:14

I think that when you have a baby, the friendships with other non parents does change, other people's pregnancies just aren't interesting to others , especially if they haven't been pregnant before. Once you've had the baby you'll probably make new friends who are in the same boat as you.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2018 20:25

Everyone's different but I don't agree that just because you haven't had children you're not interested in a friend's pregnancy.? Unless you live in a black hole most people know that morning sickness is hard so you'd show some sympathy and also feel excited for your friend.

I don't know, it feels a bit one sided to me. Maybe have a think about how caring your friends actually are? It doesn't sound as though you're banging on to them every five minutes about your symptoms so it's not unreasonable to expect a little empathy from them even if they're at a different stage of their own lives.

Lavenderdays · 06/03/2018 20:27

Once you've had the baby you'll probably make new friends who are in the same boat as you.

I'm having thoughts along these lines...most of my friends...some I've known for years have older children 7 years plus, so I am hoping to make some new friends along the way (currently 37 weeks).

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2018 20:31

Forgot to add, hope your sickness eases off soon. I do remember feeling absolutely ill, like feeling constantly car sick and exhausted for the first few months. Also, I felt a bit all over the place with emotions so that maybe adding to you feeling more sensitive than usual.

Dozer · 06/03/2018 20:36

“You’re pregnant not ill”.

Even “ordinary” first trimester fatigue, nausea and sickness sure FEELS like being ill!

GingerRogers84 · 06/03/2018 20:41

I used to think that pregnancy cant be all that bad. Then I got pregnant and have recently given birth.
I will never judge again.

Lavenderdays · 06/03/2018 20:41

Yes, I've felt ill pretty much throughout with various ailments, it certainly hasn't been a walk in the park!

Original poster

Alicia870 · 06/03/2018 20:44

ITs very helpful to come here and e around others who can empathise and understand how rough it can feel! I didn’t want this post to sound that I expect extra special treatment, but whether my friend was pregnant or not if they are sick and feeling crap I would like to think I’d be supportive. Probably true that I’m also hormonal and sensitive! It will be fine - we are all made of tough stuff lol

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