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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant outside of wedlock

78 replies

ChantelleKKK · 03/03/2018 11:11

How'd your family react if you got pregnant and weren't married to your partner?
My friend is concerned about her mum's reaction (she's 30 and dating her boyfriend). They are saving to marry and buy their own place
Any recommendations to deal with it.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 03/03/2018 14:02

If they intend to get married why not get married before having a baby. I can't see the point in doing things the other way round if it's a planned pregnancy. I would disapprove of this.

Pickledgerkingsareathing · 03/03/2018 14:08

Why would you disapprove ??
Think it's ridiculous people are still wrapped up in this kind of thing

Pickledgerkingsareathing · 03/03/2018 14:09

Mum of a nearly one year old and ooops not married !

MagicNumbers1234 · 03/03/2018 14:10

Their families reactions are most likely to depend on the families' attitudes to pregnancy outside of marriage. Attitudes have changed but I know I would have received an Antarctic reception if I had gotten pregnant before marriage whereas my friends parents reacted very differently when my friend got pregnant very young. Our lives turned out very differently as a result but we are both happy which is the most important thing.

creaturefeatures · 03/03/2018 14:10

My Mum was pregnant with me out of wedlock in the early 80's and never married my father so I doubt she'd say anything!

I'm surprised anyone would - its as normal as being married these days surely?

Melamine · 03/03/2018 14:11

I’m not married and never will be, partner despises the old fashioned concept of marriage and after many years he’s won me over to his way of thinking. We are however waiting to see whether civil partnership for heterosexual couples happens. We’d be open to that!

FlaviaAlbia · 03/03/2018 14:13

I think they'd be worried from the point of view of financial security for me if I planned to drop hours or take a career break.

demirose87 · 03/03/2018 14:15

I have four times, with three different men! I don't care what people think and neither do my family.

Viviennemary · 03/03/2018 14:16

Because getting married before having children provides more security. And problems arise when people don't as can be seen almost daily on MN. I think there should be a swing back to getting married before having children and there already is from what I see. . If people don't agree that's fine.

student26 · 03/03/2018 14:18

I'm not married to my fiancé and we have a nine month old. I was a bit worried initially telling my dad but he was the happiest out of everyone!

DearMrDilkington · 03/03/2018 14:20

He burst into tears and said it was the best news he’d heard in years

That's so lovely!

RJnomore1 · 03/03/2018 14:22

My parents are fundamentalist Christian and would have a shit fit.

I dread it happening with one of my girls because while it wouldn't be a factor to me having to deal in particular with my mother would be hell. It would no doubt be yet another failing of mine due to not instilling proper morals in them. I can just imagine the tears and hand wringing.

But among normal people - no one gives a shit.

Kilo3 · 03/03/2018 14:22

Being married doesn't equate to stability anymore. Both my siblings are now divorced (acrimoniously) and are single parents with continuing problems with ex spouses. I'm in the most stable and long term relationship, and I'm the unmarried one! The only reason I would get married is to make things easier I'm case one of us dies! However we are noted as beneficiaries on each other's Wills so we have been somewhat forward thinking

ParkheadParadise · 03/03/2018 14:27

When I was pregnant with Dd1 I wasn't old enough to get married 😂😂😂 My parents were devastated BUT very supportive to me. The father never stuck round.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2018 14:29

As much as everyone’s right that no one should care, a friend got pregnant in her 30s with her long term partner, they’d bought their home, and her parents, not at all religious, were appalled. Referred to the baby as a bastard before and after it was born.

She was at a do at her parents and a woman sat next to her and said “I’m assuming this was a terrible accident as you and DP aren’t married”. As it happens, it wasn’t planned but a baby was on the cards in time and her DP is very against marriage so a wedding wasn’t.

People can be staggeringly rude.

The thing to remember is that when they are, it says far more about them than you.

Friend’s parents do love her DC but they’ve never really got over the disappointment.

MrsJayy · 03/03/2018 14:30

Marraige does not provide stability for children if a couple is stable in their relationship why do they need to be married to have children, peope divorce every day .

Loonyluna16 · 03/03/2018 14:36

Another sinful mother here. 12 weeks pregnant with dc1 and me and partner are not married never even crossed my mind no one cares it's 2018 not 1950 for crying out loud

Halebeke425 · 03/03/2018 14:41

Wedlock? Sorry that made me 😂

I think it'd be more if she was pregnant and not actually in a proper relationship, but long term relationship, living together, etc I can't see why anyone would be bothered. Unless they're religious.

Buxbaum · 03/03/2018 14:54

If it were my own child my only concern would be to ensure that she had taken legal steps to protect herself and the child in the event of a split, especially if she planned to SAH, reduce her hours etc. Otherwise absolutely none of my business.

Viviennemary · 03/03/2018 14:58

Nobody is talking about sinful. If they were then it's a 'sin' to live together before marriage anyway. If we are talking about sins. No. The point is it's quite often the woman who has to make the changes to her career, that is go part-time, take some time off after the birth, , find childcare and so on. And may lose out on some of her pension rights.

heateallthebuns · 03/03/2018 15:05

Why is she concerned about her mums reaction? Is her mum religious? Or worried about legal rights and money? Different approaches for different reasons!

ProseccoPoppy · 03/03/2018 15:11

I wanted to be married before having children - that was important to me. I think it’s a good idea to be (legally and because it is a formal commitment) and also thought that was very “normal” (of all of my friends and colleagues I can think of only one who wasn’t married until after the baby was born and one who got married while pregnant) so I would probably be really quite surprised if someone I knew was unmarried and pregnant - I’d still be really happy for them though! I suppose I would also sort of expect the wedding to follow pretty soon after. The first thing I think my family would have wondered if I or one of my cousins was pregnant before we got married is when we were getting married - is your friend planning to get married quite soon?

MeadowHay · 03/03/2018 15:34

I love people saying nobody cares. Unfortunately, significant amounts of people do care, at least when it concerns their own close family members, especially their children. My parents would have gone absolutely beserk if that had happened to us, regardless of how old I was. I'm not saying that's a correct reaction to have, but many people still feel very strongly about it.

Kokeshi123 · 03/03/2018 15:43

Marriage provides some important legal protections, especially when you consider that women are much more likely to take a hit to their earning potential when they have children.

If your friend is saving up to get married, remember that it's easy enough to do a cheapie registry office marriage right now (costs about 150 pounds), and then do the wedding properly later on, when they are ready. This will ensure that she and her child are protected by the legal benefits of marriage.

redavocado · 03/03/2018 15:56

I'd love to say that people don't care in 2018 but that's clearly not true. People love to have an opinion!!

I think it really depends on the situation. I'm in my early 30s, pregnant and unmarried. But my partner and I jointly own our flat and have spoken about marriage though that's now on hold until the baby's born. My family don't care if we're married or not though we're the first couple in my extended family to have a baby outside of marriage.

The only person who's asked if I'm now planning to get married is a colleague. She also had the audacity to ask if the baby was planned so I'm obviously not paying much attention to her!

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