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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Has anyone had a home birth with their toddler around?

30 replies

PregnantGrrrl · 04/05/2007 07:33

I've got a while to go, but i didn't get my home birth last time (horrible midwife came out, we went to the birthing unit instead) and i would like one this time. DS will be 16mths though

I'd like as little disruption as possible for him, to make the addition of a brother/sister as smooth as possible, so i'd like to keep him in his own surroundings.

If i ask step MIL and FIL to mind him, she'll nag to keep him overnight, and will also be nosing round after new baby is born, when i'd like no visitors for a day or two. But, i want DP with me, rather than chasing DS.

What to do?! The birthing unit was great last time in fairness, but i want to stay home.

OP posts:

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flightattendant · 04/05/2007 07:36

Planning the same with DS (3) around, as it were - I'm afraid he'll be worried if kept away, but equally that he'll be freaked out if he sees the birth! (still better than mummy being an hour away in hospital, perhaps). My parents will be looking after him, but I don't have a DP so that means labour alone/with midwife only.
Hope someone has some advice for us both!!

lulumama · 04/05/2007 07:40

flightattendant have just posted on the 'panaroma' thread about iron levls and home birth

you could look into having a doula

i am supporting a single mum soon, her mum is having her other children, and i will be with her for the birth, if you are on low income / certain benefits, you might qualify for the hardship fund from doula uk, where a doula will be paid for , so that you do not have to labour alone

flightattendant · 04/05/2007 07:45

Brilliant! Many thanks Lulumama, I've just been looking at the site.
Sorry to hijack thread a bit, PregnantGrrrl!

Original poster

PregnantGrrrl · 04/05/2007 07:50

if i go into labour in the day, it won't be so bad- DS could go to childminders maybe? (Planning to work until i'm due...maybe i could book him in an extra week or two there?)

if it's during the night like last time, maybe he'll be asleep anyway...she says optimistically!

perhaps i'll ask my best friend to be on call for me. she won't be as much of a hassle as the IL's. It's not that i don't like them, they're just a bit full on, and i don't want any visitors for at least 24hrs after the new one comes.

OP posts:

oxocube · 04/05/2007 07:50

I had my 3rd at home when my other kids were 6 and 4. They saw my mum cut the cord, disposal of the afterbirth etc and weren't disturbed by it at all, just astonished at their new baby brother. Do you have a good friend who could come over at a moments notice to entertain your ds, take him to the park etc.? I was lucky as ds3 was born at 4 in the morning to the other 2 slept through most of my labour. Think DH would have if I had given him a chance

oxocube · 04/05/2007 07:51

x posts PregnantGrrrl !

Original poster

PregnantGrrrl · 04/05/2007 07:53

i think i will ask my friend instead

now how to tell the family without protests and grumping?

OP posts:

lulumama · 04/05/2007 09:03

pregnatngrrl..really important, as you know, that the people you have with you in labour are people you want to be there, not that you feel they ought to be, ifyswim!

tell the ILS that their support will be invaluable in the weeks after birth, as you know you can count on them to help with DS etc

hope you get sorted flightattendant x

hertsnessex · 04/05/2007 09:55

i was at a homebirth a cpl of months ago. the lady already had two dc's who were up and about, ate breakfast, saw mummy, went away for the birth, came back in when mum was holdingb aby b4 placenta was delivered and then went again, mum and baby cleaned up and dc's came back. they were 3 and 6 and very cool about the whole thing. as the doula, i supported the mum in labour, and dad and also kept an eye on the children. everything wworked out fantastically.

foxybrown · 04/05/2007 10:00

PGrrl, I had my first HB when DS1 was 14 months old, and second HB when they were 3 and 1. Although my labour started in the day, I managed to act pretty normally until they'd gone to bed. On both occasions I had a good friend with me as well as DP. Together they did all the necessary with the children, then helped me through labour (even had pizza delivered and a bottle of while I was doing laps of the living room in pain!).

Do you have a good friend who could be there with you? I've always liked to have a birthing partner as well as DP as they can support each other and me, and there's someone to make the tea of course!

Good luck - I hope its a fantastic birth for you.

foxybrown · 04/05/2007 10:03

wine. They had a bottle of wine.

doesn't sound right does it, them relaxing and me in pain?!

Original poster

PregnantGrrrl · 04/05/2007 10:24

i think i'd have had some myself!

Thanks guys- i think i'll ask my friend to come over if DS isn't at CM's when the time comes, and then DP can be with me when baby comes, and DS isn't being pushed from pillar to post.

OP posts:

tortoiseSHELL · 04/05/2007 10:27

I'd have hated having my kids there - when dd was born ds1 went to the park with friends, when he came back she was born. When ds2 was born, ds1 and dd went to a friend's house, and stayed there all day having the time of their lives, then came back with a chocolate cake to have ds2's first party!

Just imagine, in the middle of transition when you can't think about anything except how much it hurts, your toddler coming in and saying 'MUUUUUUUUUUUM, I need a drink', or a poo or whatever they normally say. If you're ok with that, then go for it - personally I wouldn't be for me, but I do know people who've had their children there and it's been a wonderful experience.

foxybrown · 04/05/2007 11:01

I do agree with TShell too. I'd hate my 3 DCs to see me in a right old birthing state, and I do worry that they'll be concerned and I'll hear them kicking off because they can't see mummy! I'm trusting my sister, good friend and DP, all of whom are on stand-by and under detailed instruction, to deal with the children and leave me to get on with getting their sister out!

ladywithbabies · 05/05/2007 15:52

I'm with you TShell, had my DS at home 7weeks ago and DD is 2yrs. She went to my parents overnight, DS born at 6am and DD came back at 5pm having had a day of fun and was thrilled to discover the baby had arrived on her return! She has adjusted brilliantly to him being around and is very loving, so no adverse reaction to being "sent away" at all. I spent the entire day post delivery relaxing in bed with DS which was just what I needed. I am not at all against children being there though, DH was present at his sister's homebirth many moons ago and has very positive memories. Think it depends on the gut feeling of the mother and the age/personality of the children involved.

Having had a homebirth I would say it is crucial that you make it clear in advance what you want in the way of visitors etc. I was crystal clear with family and close friends and thought I had got it covered. But random people still turn up at your door with a big grin and a present the day afterwards! Be strong if this occurs and explain that your family have yet to meet the baby and you are not accepting visitors. If you cant lay down the law when you have just had a baby when can you! xXx

rubles · 05/05/2007 18:42

Ladywithbabies, that's interesting that your dh still remembers the homebirth. Was he quite old?

zazas · 06/05/2007 13:24

I had a HB 2 weeks ago and was unsure about what to with the children - older than toddlers though. In the end my labour started at 7am (all 4 kids - step kids with us too! - aged 5 - 9) - they saw me in labour / helped get the birthing pool ready and were then happy to head off to school They knew they would have a baby to look forward to after school! I have to admit I enjoyed the quiet...In the end I had the baby within 3 hours and would have had absolutely no energy or space to give the kids if they were there. I also had a doula which was a fantastic help to my DP getting the kids off to school and to me while in labour I also really enjoyed the 5 hours I had without the kids before they returned from school to just absorb the baby!

My 3 yr old DD was there when my son was born as he came earlier than expected and the friends who were going to look after her weren't available. It ended up a csection in the hospital though and because my DP had to be with our DD I had no one with me - so you really do need a back up.

Finally I agree with the NO visitors within 24 hours - however they just seem to arrive saying "I'm just round the corner - will quickly pop in to drop off present" ahhhhhh!!!!!!!

glitterfairy · 06/05/2007 13:30

I had a home birth with my third. My ds who was just turning three slept through it all (for the first time ever!) but my dd who was four woke up. She came in towards the end and held my hand as her sister was born. She helped cut the cord and was very very excited. She still remembers it and says every time I made too much noise they just turned up the BFG downstairs!

Afterwards she drew lots of very graphic pictures of me giving birth and it remains one of her highlights. She also remembers it as a bond between her and her sister.

glitterfairy · 06/05/2007 13:33

Forgot to add that it was then my ds birthday (they are born on the same day) adn I hosted a party for eight of his three year old friends in the afternoon. I came down a few times and my mother in law complained I ahdnt done enough!

Aufish · 06/05/2007 15:41

I had my last 2 babies at home, my first baby was born when my eldest 2 were 2 years and 16 months old. They were fast asleep at the time their sister was born and it was a lovely experience when they came in in the morning to find their baby sister in the bed with me. When my last baby was born they were all alot older, my son had just had his 6th birthday party the day before, my 2 daughters were 5 and 3 years old. My contractions started at 3.40am and by 6.18am I had had my DS, the kids all woke up when my contractions started and so we put the tv on upstairs and set up a couple of videos for them to watch whilst I gave birth downstairs. When he was born they came in and met him and then ran away again! It took them at least a couple of hours for them to truly get used to the new arrival. I would do exactly the same thing if I was ever to have another baby, as it was easier on all of us as a family as there wasn't any separation involved.

FLIER · 06/05/2007 15:58

well, I had an unplanned home birth, which all happened very quickly. Luckily my friend came over to keep my lo entertained and cook his tea (he was 2y 9mo old).
So I would deffo say arrange for your friend to come over when the time comes. I, like you, would rather have that than mothers and inlaws.
I must say that, a year later, my lo still talks about what happened and mummy crying cos baby was coming out etc, so he has been affected by it, good or bad, hard to tell so far but I think good on the whole.

hth

mrsmalumbas · 06/05/2007 16:02

If you're planning a homebirth and have an older one at home there is a really lovely book called Runa's Birth - google it and you will see lots of links. The original version is in german but you can get a translated one. It's written from the perspective of a 4 year old but my DD was just 3 when her sister was born, and she loved it. The illustrations are great, show mummy with her big tummy, mummy having contractions, the midwive coming and listening to the baby, mummy in the bath, mummy hanging out on a birth ball etc. It does even show the baby crowning! It's a great way of introducing the idea and both my DD's still have this as one of their favourite bedtime stories. It does feature the Dad fairly heavily as one of the characters but there is also the midwife as well as a godmother there to help look after the little girl, so it is good for talking about roles etc. A really lovely book for anyone planning a homebirth.

feetheart · 06/05/2007 16:20

'Hello Baby' is another lovely book about homebirth that my DD (who was 2.9 at the time) loved. It talked about the shouting that might go on and that was what stuck in her mind because she thought it was funny! She was rather disappointed that I didn't make too much noise I think
We had SiL come over to look after her as I was in serious labour over tea/bedtime. She was upstairs in bed having stories read to her when DS arrived and she got to meet him within 5 mins of him being born. She then went to bed, settled well and slept through the night. She got up at 7.30am as usual and her first words to us were 'Where is our baby?' A fantastic experience all round.

Good luck with yours.

LynetteScavo · 06/05/2007 16:36

DD was born at home, partly because I knew I couldn't leave DS2 with anyone. He always woke up in the night and would have a tantrum if anybody but myself went to him. Anyway, we had no supportive family close by.
DS1 slept through, but as usual DS2 woke up just after 4am crying for me. At this point I was I was pushing! DH went to comfort him, but I demanded he come down as the baby was being born and I didn't want him to miss it. He brought DS2 down with him, and at at 27 months old, he wasn't fazed atall. He is very articulate, though, and spent the summer telling complete strangers all about it! DS1 was rather cross we hadn't woken him up!- Hope all goes well!

hanwaretta · 06/05/2007 20:00

This is the 1st time i have posted, but thought i would put in my twopeneth. I had both of mine at home, and luckily my dd (2) slept through the whole of my sons birth, i went into labour at midnight and he arrived at 0400, so when she came in to our room in the morning he was there! I had a friend of mine on standby to take my daughter out if she was destressed or a pain in the backside, but was just going to play it by ear really. If you can get a friend to take your son out or entertain him that may be an option.
I had a good friend at both of mine as well as my other half and it was lovely (they did finish of my gas and air afterwards!)

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