feeling very low!

[bumbly]

it may seem trivial to so many here so apologies but I can't help it..

have had a pretty up and down preg with various problems and now am entering the home straight ie the third trimester

one thing i have been looking forward to (and I am not normally a shopper girlie girl) is to shop for the new arrival to take my mind off all my worries as well..but also cuz i believe it is totally natural to want to buy new cute baby clothes for your arrival

however my mother in law keeps telling me over and over and over again that i shouldn't be buying anything...
that i will get loads from others.

i don't have many friends as all (4 close ones) are abroad and thus have no idea whom she is on about.

sure i may get "some" clothes from her friends - but surely i need some starter clothes for the hospital..and whatever i get given will be later on...but also i am not the type to wait on others' gifts...i need to prepare now.

...but why would she want to ruin my one fun bit of the pregnancy? why? why is she so against me to buy my own things for my own kid? telling me every time i see/speak to her the same mantra.

anyone else experience the same? i am totally flabbergasted and at a loss for words...

really got me down - as being told this every day!

low! and feeling like my pregnancy is prettty much forever ruined! no joy in it!

I really feel for you!
Dont start me on MILS's!!
Im due in 8 weeks and am definately going to be putting a note on my door and also have decided that if alls too much for me , then I shall take the baby and head upstairs for bed.
Why are our DP's so afraid to tell their mums the truth? I think I could tell my mum when she upset me (although she wouldnt like it).
Unless your MIL is subsiding you financially WTF has it got to do with her how you spend your money??!! Buy what you like and then be brave and tell her that you dont agree with her point of view. After all, if she disappears out of your life , what have you got to lose???? Quite a lot to gain I should think.

Aw Bumbly....try to keep your chin up . It's your parade, don't let her rain on it. It sounds like she may be a bit jealous, especially if this is the first grandchild and (you excepted) she is used to getting your DHs full attention. Is he an only child perhaps? Can he have a quiet word with her.

Buying lots of cute ickle things is the best bit of being pregnant.....and all part of the preparation for the birth and bonding with your LO.

And after bub is born, don't feel bad about telling her its not convenient to come over if you don't feel up to it, or putting a sign on the door saying "Mum and baby sleeping...please call back later"

Enjoy your pregancy while you still can (before the aches and pains and discomfort I mean) and tell her to mind her own!

Just wanted to add MIL's can be a pain in the ar*e. go shopping, but a nice outfit for YOUR baby and treat yourself to some indulgent bath stuff and some chocolate!

Cx

Bumbly - GO SHOPPING!!! I did yesterday and it made me feel tonnes better as I was feeling a bit stressed out.

Never mind locking the door - CHANGE THE LOCKS or move house!!!! (only joking!)
She sounds like a nightmare and I realise it's probably difficult to stand up to her but she needs to back off.

My MIL is getting married 10 days after my due date and expects us to be at the wedding, whether I've given birth by that point or not!!!!! The wedding date was set after we'd told her about me being pregnant and what my due date was... Don't get me wrong, I get on fine with her but I will not be there if I've just given birth!!!

It's my own mum that's trying to force old baby clothes of mine on me as extras!!!!!!!!! I don't mind hand-me-downs but not clothes that are 30+ years old!!!! So I went out and bought 2 gorgeous outfits (0-3 mths) yesterday and felt so much better afterwards!! (I've also bought a few newborn things in Tesco - 7 sleepsuits and 6 babygros for about £8!!!)

The other thing someone mentioned to me is that when we were growing up, baby clothes were very expensive and they've obviously come down a lot in price now. I think our parents' generation still think that buying lots of new things is a bit of an extravagance...

Buy, buy, buy!!!!

xx

You go shopping girl and get all the flipping things you want. Its your baby and your life. She has had her chance (maybe she feels deep down that she stuffed up) so don't let her take over and dictate to you.

I know it is v hard, my mum tends to take over somewhat coz with my ds coz she "loves him so much" which i'm sure she does but this is my turn to be mummy. anyway you do just have to be firm with visisting times until you feel ready. The day after ds was born in a wonderful comminuty hosp maternity unit we had 1 visitors all at the same time coz noone ttok any notice of what time slot we had suggested for them (we have a large family) this resulted in my nearly passing out and going to lay on the bed whilst DH made tea and toast for everyone. Did anyone notice we were run ragged - nope .

Anyway sorry for the rant - still pees me off 2.7 years later . You buy your lo something gorgeous. On a practical level i have just remembered that most of the stuff we were bought was at least 3-6 months so if i hadn't already bought things we would have been stuffed.

awww you poor thing!! I really feel for you!

You should try to be firm with your nightmare MIL. If she tells you not to buy anything again, just say "Yes I know, but I still want to buy a few of my own things for the baby so I'm going shopping tomorrow" and then give her a stern "dont even think about it" look

If your MIL thinks you are the one calling the shots with regard to YOUR pregnancy she may stop acting like a 2 year old and learn to deal with it.

As others have said, you have nothing to lose by firmly telling her to F* off (in a round about way) and absolutely everything to gain!!

Good luck and please keep us up to date with your dealings with this wretched woman!

Good point Nanoon.....most people buy bigger sizes and no-one buys practical thing like vests/sleepsuits/socks and hats.

Exercise that spending muscle!!

FLEX

Bumbly

Just go buy what you want. Its got nothing whatsoever to do with anyone else what you buy for your own child.

Sorry if I sound a bit militant but I too have an interfering MIL who I have told to butt out and mind her own business on many occasions. Having said that, generally I get on really well with her and I do feel quite sorry for her as I've got her darling son and her grandchildren and (if I were that way inclined which I'm not) could make it v difficult for her to see them. Bearing that in mind I found it made her interfering seem much less annoying and more desperation which I found I had much more sympathy for.

Loads of really really lovely advice - thanks so so so much and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Ignoring her def seems the way forward. Been thinking all day and I think what I may also do is get my partner to write a letter laying out the terms....what do you all think????

Something on the lines of: please be aware that after the birth I and partner may be tired exhausted and will only accept visits on our terms etc....

The problem with MIL is she never listens (she refuses to accept she is starting to go deaf) so a letter will probably be best.

For eg if you tell her a date she remembers the wrong day as she never listens attentively on the phone etc. A very difficult person to talk to. Interrupts all the time/cries when not going her way.....even my folks find her very! difficult/mean/stingy so it is definitely not me!

I am not english so hence have very few friends here and no family here - hence making things bit more difficult and "LONELY".

Try imaging a woman that answers any question she asks you herself before giving you a chance to voice your opinion:

eg..."you want me to visit you after the birth don't you?"

rather than "do you want me to visit you after the birth?"

that is her!

although...I have tried calling the shots in the past as someone suggested here I should do...and it all resulted in her crying to my partner on phone saying we hated her!

I called the shots once after when at a restuarant she screamed to me that I was better off not being with her son as we hadn't yet produced a grandson...I said she was mad to demand such strong things when really it was between my partner and myself and not her.

This was two years into my relationship with partner and we had never even discussed kids between ourselves in private...so there we were were forced to discuss it with in laws over dinner in a posh place with everyone hearing us.

That is only one of the crying fits she has had in public...too many to mention...
I dread going out with them and hence dreading future and not enjoying preg at the mo with them around (esp after all the health probs have had)

She sounds like a right mare bumbly.....you could always play the 'cultural differences' card and ell her its customary where you're from to leave the new family in peace for a week after the birth...at least then you'll get a bit of peace and quiet to bond with your LO.

And make sure you get out and about to mother and baby groups afterwards, they're great places I think for making friends...I still see the new mums I met after DS was born 5 years ago
Or there's always your nearest Mumsnet meet-up!!

Good Luck with her anyway...and the baby!

daisybump

yes her comment to me few years ago was she rather I was a 15 year old "chav" then a medical professional as it would have been more likely for me to produce offspring...

still hurts me to this day - why can someone hate me so much?

and yes it is coming through with her trying to hinder my (few) fun bits of pregnancy!

oooo Bumbly this woman is making me feel so angry!!!

If you start to call the shots and she starts crying/whinging on the phone, then i strongly recommend that you and your DP just ignore her.

She sounds very much like a child who is constantly having tantrums as they know it gets them their own way in life.

If you ignore her tantrums she will (eventually) begin to realise that she is getting nowhere by shouting and screaming etc and will therefore realise that she must take a better approach if she wants to be heard etc.

You MUST have your DP's back up on this too tho, so that he ignores her if she tantrums about stuff.

I dont mean to sound like i'm being mean or anything, but you really MUST be hard with old bag - the sooner the better!!

x

She sounds horrible.....I'm surprised you and your DH have anything to do with her. A letter sounds like a great idea as then you can tell her how you feel without the distraction of her instant reaction. And, the good thing is that if she doesn't like it, she might stay away for a bit while she quietly fumes.

Is there a class for soon to be mums near you like bumps'n'babes, or have you enrolled with the NCT?....lots of people have found friendship through them. I know it can be really difficult....I moved to Leeds 2 years ago and although I'm now great friends with the wives/girlfriends of DHs friends, and we all hang out together on weekends and stuff, it was hard to start with. I still feel a bit though that I haven't made any friends that are 'my' friends IYSWIM. I'm hoping that this LO (due in 5 weeks) will change all that.

Tell her to f**c off! it's clear and straight to the point, and sums up how your probably feeling towards her right now

Argh, I really feel for you, she does sound like very hard work. But you know she doesn't have to be. Next time she behaves so disgustingly walk away from her and leave her to it. IGNORE HER until she has made an appology and promises not to behave like a 2 year old again. The things she says to you are appalling, she is clearly very controling and sounds like she has some emotional issues.

She also sounds extremely jealous to me. She didn't have this and that for her son, therefore you shouldn't either etc. I'd be very carefull when your baby comes, don't let her take over. I bet she'll try to and if you let her you'll feel awful.

Stand your ground with this woman, don't let her get to you and ruin your pregnancy. She sounds a bit sad and pathetic to me, if anything she probably deserves pitying!

Bumbly - have you been shopping yet? You must go out and buy some loverly things, whatever your mil says - tell us what you bought!

Good luck with the letter, its probably a good idea. At least you will have tried. (Could you/DH talk to FIL alone? I know you mentioned he doesn't react but if he has lived with this woman for so long he muct have developed some sort of strategy for coping?)

My Mum got cross with me today because I haven't worked out what I need to buy! (She is just nice - most of the time) so get a few bits and pieces and enjoy yourself.

I'd take the advice re trying to build up a network of new-mum-friends, so you have someone to let off steam to when it gets too much.

I hope it all gets better for you.
X.

update:

I discovered Next baby clothes! Lovely selection! Wow!

Just got a call from MIL and she was baffled that my folks were sending over baby presents from abroad and helping me out. Again she asked "What things do you need? Why you getting so much?"

Note: by "things" I told her was going to look at prams, crib and car seat! In my mind highly essential! She must live in the dark ages and is probably jealous that my folks are sending gifts...

Haven't told her (as recommended here on mumsnet) that bought some stuff from Next myself!

She also had the cheek today to say get the cheapest baby monitor ever...hmmm again trying to make me be thrifty/cheap/stingy over my own kid!

Letter planned but not been sent yet - but it will happen in the next few weeks!

Yes as someone said I now am not so much angry at her - but I really really pity her!

i got exactly the same and i ignored it lol

i shopped like a mad woman for the last 10 weeks every cute little outfit i bought and yes we had lots bought us but your right you need hospital stuff and loads more than you think babygrows sleepsuits socks mitts

ignore her

You sound much more upbeat today bumbly! Glad you went out shopping - good for you!!

Out of interest, was does your DP/DH think about the letter etc?

well i drafted this letter and showed him - he def thinks it is a good idea but paradoxically also wanted to kinda shine away from writing it in the terms that i angled it...i guess i was being more blunt then he'd like...

however i did push and say it was absolutely necessary...and i think i may have swayed him...however as of yet I am waiting from him for when he is ready to send it...it should be him sending it i believe (well it is his folks) and it should be before 35 weeks!!

Blunt is probably the best way. If you pussy foot around her, she may not get the message!

Good luck with it all!

thanks!

still can't believe she again phoned me today and insisted on reiterating "what else should I need apart from the three towels she bought me?"

baffled!

must not let it get to me..must not let it get to me...must not let it get to me...

THREE TOWELS??!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Sorry but what a stupid old lady she is!!

She's deffo one jealous sour-face and no, you should DEFFO not let her get to you!

Seriously, you have to laugh at her ridiculousness!