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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

OH might not be at birth...

34 replies

heatherxo · 27/02/2018 09:21

My second birthing partner is my niece. I now feel like I don't even want her to come because he won't be there.
She's so excited to be able to experience this with me, and now I feel horrible for thinking that I'd rather do it alone than without my OH.
Would it be awful of me to break her heart and tell her I don't want her there..
Has anyone else ever birthed alone?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Horses4 · 27/02/2018 09:23

I did, with my second daughter. I also had an operation to remove an ovarian cyst when I was 12 weeks pregnant with her. “D”H wouldn’t even get the day off work to come to the hospital with me. Needless to say we are no longer together.

harlaandgoddard · 27/02/2018 09:28

Depends, why will they not be at the birth?

Do what you want to do. It’s your birth, you don’t need to think about anyone else’s feelings.

Juststrugglingabit · 27/02/2018 09:40

You sound very brave and sorted - I'd be having kittens in this situation (I do have PTSD to be fair).

With regards to your niece, I think you need to take your own time to decide what to do - you can even change your mind on the day. She will understand. Also, is it possible that a lot of her apparent excitement is out of support for you? Not saying she isn't excited, but she hopefully won't be heartbroken if you do change your mind.

Wishing you an amazing healthy birth whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

heatherxo · 27/02/2018 09:57

I just don't know what to do anymore, my head is all over the place right now.
I know if I tell her she can't come then she will either point blank refuse to listen to me or she will make me feel guilty (she's 17)

Maybe it's just my mental health, but I feel like I'd be betraying my oh by allowing someone else to be there.

OP posts:

Brownbear84 · 27/02/2018 10:01

I agree with you Hun I think I would do the exact same,at 17 too that's very immature and it shows saying she would turn up anyway. That's a time for you and our OH and if he can't be there I wouldn't let anyone else be there either. What's the reason he can't be there? I would be heartbroken xx

HotCrossBunFight · 27/02/2018 10:02

You shouldn't have someone at your labour just to keep then happy. If it comes to it just don't tell her when you go to the hospital.

You can labour alone. My husband is no use to me in labour as I retreat into myself. I barely acknowledge he's there. One my babies have been born I was very pleased to have him but if he couldn't have been there then I don't think I'd have wanted anyone else

HoppingPavlova · 27/02/2018 10:03

It’s not about her, it’s about you. You need to make the best decision for you. If that’s her not being there then so be it, she can have a tanty all she wants, it’s not your problem.

BakedBeans47 · 27/02/2018 10:06

You need to do what’s right for you. You wouldn’t be betraying your OH. Birth partners are there for giving support to the mother, not for their own sake.

It can be a lonely and long time being in labour, I think if your OH can’t be there you’d be better having someone else you trust. Surely your OH wouldn’t want you being alone when someone could be there to support you x

BakedBeans47 · 27/02/2018 10:07

Equally if your niece isn’t the right person to be there just say so, it’s up to you, you’re the important one x

CorianderSnell · 27/02/2018 10:11

Hmmm... I would have said to ask her to come with you on the basis she’s to listen to whether you actually want her there or waiting outside, but it sounds like that won’t work given your brief description.

Is there any other role you can give her? Driving to hospital to collect you and baby when you’re ready to come home or something (perhaps not if only 17).

My oh was there for first two births but not for third as I had no one else to watch big two kids (was supposed to be someone but baby came too fast).

I had a nice midwife and so I was fine. As long as there is at least one person there who you feel is really on your side you’ll be ok, in my experience.

Why won’t your OH make it? Is there any way he can be involved from where he will be?

fitbitbore · 27/02/2018 10:13

My husband may not be able to get back in time for the birth too. I've decided I'd rather do it alone than with anyone else. If he gets home in time happy days!!!

Plipplops · 27/02/2018 10:14

Completely agree with PPs, you can't have her there just to keep her happy? She'll understand at some point, but even if se doesn't it's ok to say "I'm really sorry, I've had a think and I just want to be by myself"

FWIW I think I'd almost have rathered my DH wasn't there - I think he found the whole thing quite traumatic and so I was worrying about him, whereas if he wasn't there I'd have just got on with it (agree with HotCrossBunFight).

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 27/02/2018 10:17

Just don't "have time" to call your niece.

How on earth did you end up agreeing to have your 17 year old niece as birthing partner anyway? Did someone else organise as our into it? It's a strange idea unless she's already had a baby herself or you are 17 yourself and she's like a sister to you.

mumgointhroughtorture · 27/02/2018 10:18

I don't think I would want someone 17 at my side . If something goes wrong would she be emotionally mature enough to handle it . She also could be scared by the amount of pain you're in. Obviously you know how mature she is. The last thing you want is her making your labour all about her , which some teenagers make life in general all about them .
Could you perhaps ask your Mum or a good friend ? If not I would say do it on your own .

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 27/02/2018 10:22

It doesn't sound as though the niece would make you feel supported in the way that you need. If OH can't be there, you'll be fine with the midwives. I gave birth alone because it was the middle of the night and DH had been sent home after visiting hours and couldn't make it to the hospital in time. It was fine, I was able to concentrate on getting the baby out without having to take anyone else into consideration. Possibly even better than way, but as I've only had one child I've nothing to compare it with.

Juststrugglingabit · 27/02/2018 10:31

She doesn't sound mature enough to be a birthing partner to you - if it came to it, she should be the one to communicate your needs to the medical team in the event that you are unable to or if they are not following your wishes. You can do it on your own with a good midwife, but not if you are having to look out for/cope with someone who is minus points.

If she's refusing to listen (or you fear she will) it would be reasonable for you to simply go to the hospital and not tell her. Could you tell her mum or dad?

taffett · 27/02/2018 10:32

Oh op, it is the perfect time for you to be completely selfish and do what is best for you, regardless of other peoples wishes.
You won't be alone anyway, there will be midwives there who can support you. I dont have children nor am I pregnant (yet) but I'd only want my DP there (or perhaps my mum) so I get what youre saying. You could always call your niece afterwards and let her come to the hospital once the baby is born if you still want her involved somehow. I hope it goes well for you xx

blackberryfairy · 27/02/2018 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 27/02/2018 10:35

DH didn't come to DS's birth because he had a hospital phobia (only recently overcome to an extent in the most challenging of circumstances) and would have been unable to deal with It, he even had panic attacks visiting me in hospital after the birth. My mum came instead, and I was surprised at how many other women had people other than their partners there. I don't think I would have wanted to do it alone though.

Skittlesandbeer · 27/02/2018 10:41

Didn’t you just have a check-up? And didn’t they say they had a few concerns -nothing major- but recommended you look into getting a private doula to support you at the birth? And three’s kinda a crowd.

Solved (with a bit of imagination and, well, a lie).

Might not be a bad idea to do it for real though? Someone experienced by your side?

Oysterbabe · 27/02/2018 10:54

Just explain to her. If she's not mature enough to accept it then she's definitely not mature enough to be there.
Why can't your husband be there?

Bubble04 · 27/02/2018 11:05

I'd say no unless your DH can be there. If god forbid anything wasn't straight forward she would have to be very mature to deal with it, and potentially defend your wishes. I know that's worst case scenario, but I always saw a birth partner as someone who could speak on your behalf. It's one of the times in your life we're you have to put yourself and your needs first

Original poster

heatherxo · 27/02/2018 11:19

No skittles, you must be mistaking me with someone else.

OH may or may not be incarcerated at the time of birth, but the possibility that he will greatly outweighs the latter.

I don't wanna ask my mum, she was there for my first birth and it was long and I would just feel awful for her again.
I promised my niece she could come, we are very close. I'm only 23, so we are almost the same age and she's always looked at me as a mother than an auntie.

I just feel like he should be there and if he can't be then no one else should be.
This is really playing on my mental health and I'm just feeling drained by it all

OP posts:

Brownbear84 · 27/02/2018 11:21

Skittles was saying,that's what you could tell your niece basically 😂😂 a white lie. She doesn't sound Mature enough and if it's playing on your mental health just tell her sorry I need to do this on my own xx

Brownbear84 · 27/02/2018 11:22

Also playing on your mental health will be transferring to your baby xx

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