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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

26 replies

pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 19:50

Currently 21+3 with first child. Partner has a routine of going on holiday for a week with mates in May each year abroad. He broached the subject on Saturday and asked me if I would be okay with him going this year. By this time I will be 7+ months. I asked him what if something happened while you were away? He said well it will be 2 months before due date if he goes early May. One of his past holidays caused me a lot of stress which landed me in hospital as he and his mates were there at the same time as a woman he had previously snagged a few times whilst on holiday and it appeared they all spent time together over that week. So I said it depends how stressed I am going to be to which he replied that if I'm not happy he won't go. I don't want to tell him he can't go. My friend thinks that it's ridiculous that he's even mentioned it this year considering the circumstances. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
bettydraper31 · 26/02/2018 19:55

You’re not being unreasonable- all sorts of things can happen in the later stages of pregnancy. He is being totally unreasonable. He won’t be going on any “mates” holidays until your child is much much older and the sooner he realises that the better!

Congrats on your pregnancy Flowers

scaredofthecity · 26/02/2018 19:57

I would let him go, as it may be his last chance for a while. But if trust is an issue and your worried about stressing yourself out then it may be best that he doesn't.
Will he hold it against you? Might it be nice to have a bit of time to yourself?
At 7 months the risk of you going into labour is pretty low.

Chienrouge · 26/02/2018 19:58

I’d be happy for my DH to go away for a week at 7 months pregnant. In fact mine worked abroad for up to 3 weeks at a time at that point.
However he wouldn’t hang around with someone he’d previously shagged while I was sat at home.

Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:00

Thanks. This is just it. He will be going. I don't think having a baby is going to make him change or even want to change. Maybe change is the wrong word. It just seems like he's going to make sure having the baby has as little impact on his life as possible. As well as living arrangements. He has a house and I have mine. He's stated that he's not doing to give up his house. It's not like I want him to move in with me either as I think it would drive me to distraction. It's the fact that he's decided this and that and that's how it's going to be seemingly. Without even talking to me about it first.

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DancesWithOtters · 26/02/2018 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/02/2018 20:03

Did he 'snag' her while you two had been together? Or was that before you two became an item.
Answer A: YANBU
Answer B: YABU

Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:03

Thanks for the different opinions. I think it will stress me out, talking about it is even enough to stress me out. I know he's not going to be looking for something to happen with anyone whilst away, it's just odd as most of the mates who go are single and are usually looking for something.

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Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:15

Sorry I should have explained better. Everything with her happened in 2015. We met late 2015 and when he went away the following year, she was there also. They go to same place, same hotel at around same time every year. That year in 2016, he stopped texting me as soon as he left for holiday and didn't text me until 5 days later. During those five days, she was posting pictures, tagging his friends every day about what they were all up to. I don't know why, I had a bad reaction, went to the doctor with anxiety and he sent me to the hospital after doing an ecg which was off the charts at the surgery.

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Justmuddlingalong · 26/02/2018 20:18

Without upsetting you, can I ask, does he see what you have as a relationship?

Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:19

How do you mean muddling? No offence will be taken on my part.

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Justmuddlingalong · 26/02/2018 20:22

You mentioned separate houses and him not expecting the baby to have an impact on his life. It just sounds a bit disconnected to me, rightly or wrongly.

Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:24

Sorry, yes that's the way it seems. He does see it as a relationship. Not sure I do really, especially now.

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Justmuddlingalong · 26/02/2018 20:28

So he sees it as a relationship, but only as and when it suits him. You sound very unhappy. Do you have RL support around you?

Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:30

I have two friends around me who are there when I need them so I'm grateful for that. No family to speak of apart from 2 uncles and 1 aunt (due to being with one of my uncles). They sort of cut me off after my mother passed in 2013. I haven't told them yet as I'm not sure how.

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Justmuddlingalong · 26/02/2018 20:32

What do you want to do long term?

Prettylovely · 26/02/2018 20:33

He doesnt sound very nice, You cant trust him can you thats the crux of it all.
Better off getting rid of him before baby arrives.

Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:34

I'm really not sure but I know I don't want to continue being miserable and stressed. On the other hand I'm scared of being a single mother and having to cope on my own with everything.

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Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:35

I don't think he would cheat at all. I think the problem I had with what happened and allowing her to hang around them was the complete disrespect of it all and disregard for how I would feel about it all.

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Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:38

If it hadn't been for that, then I wouldn't have a problem with him going away I don't think. But it brings up the feelings of anxiety from that time. Last year, he and his mates went somewhere else in June rather than May. She found out through one of his mates on Facebook that they were going in June instead and also then left her holiday until June, hoping to book it the same time as then until it turned out they were going elsewhere.

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FrozenMargarita17 · 26/02/2018 20:39

To be honest it sounds like you'll be doing all the work yourself anyway.. it might even be easier than having to cope with his antics as well!!

Justmuddlingalong · 26/02/2018 20:40

Don't put up with a rubbish relationship because you're scared of an alternative. You have somewhere to live, supportive friends and without him, no added stress. Don't waste any more time on him. You will cope brilliantly when the baby arrives, without the stress he brings to your life. There are loads of single mums on here, you'll never be stuck for advice, support and help.

surreygirl1987 · 26/02/2018 20:42

I'm encouraging my husband to go on a water sports trip in Portugalwhen I'm 7+ months... I don't want him missing out on potentially his last chance for a child-free holiday! He's in two minds but I think secretly very keen!

Original poster
pumpkinbump · 26/02/2018 20:49

Thank you. I have snapped tonight and text him about what has been bothering me. In particular on conversation on Thursday night, I am not sure how it started but we were talking about the baby and he called it a little bastard. I told him not to call it that. He said well it is, I said you'll feel guilty about all you have said about it when it's here and he said he won't. That has really stuck with me since and I can't shake it off.

Regarding the last child free holiday, that would be fine if that was the case, but I know that even when the child is here he's not going to be giving up going away every year with mates.

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somersetsoul · 26/02/2018 21:13

Honestly, I think you'd be much better off as a single mum. Its not easy but would be easier then worrying about what he's doing, not living together and him already calling the baby names.

The lone parent section on here has been fab for me over the years. Sometimes it's making the decision that's the hardest thing. Once your over that it's much easier x

Prettylovely · 26/02/2018 21:39

What do you see in him? He doesnt sound like a catch at all...