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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Does finding out the gender help if you have a preference?

27 replies

Needmorewine · 31/01/2018 21:17

No judgement please. Baby will be loved and adored and we are so so lucky I know. However I would so love a certain gender for many reasons. Is it best to find out st the 20 week Scan if this is the case? No judgement please I know I am
not being rational but I can’t help feeling this way, I wish I didn’t. Anyone felt similarly and what did you do re finding out / not finding out?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NataliaOsipova · 31/01/2018 21:19

I think so. Because you have time to get your head round it and come to terms with the positives of your situation. A friend of mine was "disappointed" with her 20 week scan; she openly admits that she felt finding out helped her to come to terms with that and that if she'd been told on the day she may have struggled. FWIW she also says she wouldn't change a thing now....

Saz626 · 31/01/2018 21:21

I didn't have a preference but my partner did, we already have two girls so he really wanted a boy. He tried to hide it but it was blatantly obvious he wanted a boy no matter what he said to make me feel better. We opted to find out and he is a little boy so all is good. I'm not sure how things would've been had the little one been a girl but I think at least he'd have had time to get his head around not having the boy he craved so much for football etc.

Hulaballoo · 31/01/2018 21:24

Yes with my 1st I was convinced I was having a boy, always dreamt and wanted a boy first. Found at at 20w baby was a girl... It helped having b that extra time to bond and get used to the idea... Pick a name that I could call bump and it made it easier. X

Jodie567 · 31/01/2018 21:25

Total understand this post! I was feeling exactly the same... My husband was not bothered but I so so wanted a girl. I didn't find out at my 20 week scan and I dreaded the birth, the build up to only feel like an awful person if it was a boy!
At 25 weeks I paid for a private scan to find out and luckily it was a girl but honestly when I knew it was like a weight lifted... If I was you I definitely would go for it and find out.

Congratulations either way and good luck with bubba!!

ICanStandtheHeat · 31/01/2018 21:25

Yes I would find out to help with bonding. My friend didn't and had a daughter and for her second desperately wanted a son. She had another girl and cried when she arrived. I was quite shocked by her behaviour and can't relate but finding out would of helped.

Ps she adores her DD2 now!

DramaAlpaca · 31/01/2018 21:33

I wasn't bothered what I had at all, but knowing the sex from 20 weeks with DC2 & DC3 definitely helped me bond with them.

I didn't find out with DC1 & got the opposite of what I thought I was having, which was a lovely surprise. I'm glad I knew beforehand the next two times though.

PurdysChocolate · 31/01/2018 21:59

Yes, I was disappointed to find out DC2 was going to be a boy, but I had time to think through my feelings and accept what I couldn't change. By the time he was due I was really looking forward to him. I wouldn't have wanted to be hit by the disappointment at his birth and have that taint our initial time together.

Original poster

Needmorewine · 31/01/2018 22:25

Thank you so much for these lovely understanding replies. I feel just horrible even saying it and I know how unfair and irrational I’m being. I’m hoping it’s partly hormonal !!! I think we will find out at scan and then I can get my head around it either way. We have an older dc so I think finding out the gender will
Make it more real for them as well.

OP posts:

RosieCotton · 31/01/2018 22:55

No judgement here. I couldn't wait until 20 weeks, as this is my past baby. I paid privately today to find out at 16w4d, everyone had said boy but in my heart I just didn't feel like it could be. Turns out I was right she's a girl. Helps my DS understand now baby has a name rather than just "baby"

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 31/01/2018 23:05

It helped me. I was so sure Ds was a girl (which I wanted) and I'm glad I found out that he wasn't before he was born.

This time around I have no strong thoughts either way and so don't see the need to find out but with him, I think knowing long before he arrived really helped.

Merryoldgoat · 01/02/2018 00:15

I really wanted a girl but that didn't mean
I didn't want a boy if that makes sense.

We decided to find out the sex so
I could get used to it and it was a boy and I was so excited the second they told me I'd forgotten about wanting a girl.

Currently 37weeks with DS2 and just as excited about a second boy.

I'd find out - I think it helps if you think you have a preference.

Tortycat · 01/02/2018 00:24

Im the opposite of most previous posters. For dc2 i had a preferred gender but chose not to find out: a) i like a surprise and b) I think i would have been disappointed if it wasnt what i wanted. I thought that once the baby arrived i wouldn't care either way. I had a few minutes of disppointment the night dc2 arrived as they were the opposite to what i wanted, but mainly i was just thrilled to have a healthy baby. Wouldn't swap now

Leyani · 01/02/2018 00:27

For some reason I had a fairly strong preference and knew I'd probably only ever have the one due to medical issues. I did find out and it was the opposite flavour. It was good to have a few months to get used to the idea. Sometimes I still think what it'd have been like had I had a girl instead of my football-mad, super active, muddy, noisy, always hungry (adorable and mummy-cuddling but only if no one is watching) little boy. But you know what, as everyone says when they're there they're there and nature has arranged it so that you love them with all your heart.

SuburbanRhonda · 01/02/2018 00:31

Btw OP, you find out the sex, not gender.

Luxi · 01/02/2018 02:10

@Needmorewine I desperately wanted a girl, there was loads of reasons around it. But at my scan found out it was a boy....and actually when I found out although I was surprised I was happy!! And as the weeks gone on I'm getting very excited!!!

Oysterbabe · 01/02/2018 05:20

My husband had a preference so we found out. He wanted time to get over it if it wasn't what he wanted so at the birth he could just be happy.

NataliaOsipova · 01/02/2018 07:30

We have an older dc so I think finding out the gender will
Make it more real for them as well.

I found that. Much easier for an older child to get his/her head round the concept of a "baby brother" or "baby sister" than just a "baby", I think. Probably more do the older your first one is.

Original poster

Needmorewine · 01/02/2018 07:41

Thank you everyone

OP posts:

Chocolateismylife · 01/02/2018 07:52

I didn’t find out with either of my DC. Just a thought, finding out at 20 weeks means you have time to feel disappointed. If you don’t find out, you will go through labour & be handed a beautiful baby. At that point you won’t care, you will be relieved your baby is here safely.

pickle162 · 01/02/2018 08:02

I really had to know, I always imagined myself with a little girl but knew I'd be happy either way as they are such little miracles (baby is an iui (similar to ivf baby) but just had to find out so I could get my head around/ prepare if it was a boy and I think I've bonded more knowing what it is. Turns out she is a girl so was super happy and love being able to say she or her. I honestly do think I would have been happy too to have a boy. Just feel so blessed to be pregnant after thinking it would never happen

mindutopia · 01/02/2018 08:50

I think probably it does. It at least gives you time to get your head around it either way. We didn't find out with our first and it was quite a shock. I don't know why. We had no preference either way at all, but I went into labour quite unexpectedly and it all happened quite quickly and then suddenly I had this baby and finding out she was a girl and then choosing a name, etc. It seemed quite overwhelming. This time we did find out and we did frankly have a preference (we wanted a boy as we already have a daughter and we aren't having any more). We are having a boy (any day now!) and it was lovely to find out. I think it still would have been good to know even if we had another girl as it would have given us time to adjust to the idea.

Namechangeuser · 01/02/2018 09:01

Yes I think finding out at 20 weeks will help. It gives you time to adjust your mind, and to get excited.

I'll be honest, at my 20 week scan for my current pregnancy I was hoping for a girl, I already have a girl, and had been day dreaming about her having a sister, as I have a sister with a similar age gap. Needless to say it turned out to be a boy. Within literally minutes I was so overwhelmed with excitement that I would be having one of each, my whole perspective changed.

I can't wait to meet my little boy in a few weeks time.

Whatever the gender, even if it's not your preference, you will love your baby, and that's all that matters.

FairfaxAikman · 01/02/2018 09:36

I wanted a boy and was utterly convinced bubs was a boy but would still have been happy with a girl.
We couldn't find out at 20 week scan due to the position and didn't find out till almost two months later.
It is a boy, and I've found that the whole pregnancy has became me more real to me (I've been relatively symptomless, which hasn't helped) as I can now call him by his name (to DH only).
If it had been a girl, it would have taken a bit of time for me to get my head round - more because I was "wrong" iyswim, than out of disappointment.

cherryontopp · 01/02/2018 10:36

If i had a gender preference, I wouldnt find out, I dont think Id care once handed my baby. But some people it would help finding out.

I think a lot of gender preferences are normally due stereotypes and a parents imagined relationship with their child. For an example a PP said her DH wanted a boy after 2 girls as he had dreams of football etc - obviously theres no saying if he does have a son he will like football- my ex hated it.

People always get over their preferences IMO I wouldn't worry too much about it.

BigBaboonBum · 01/02/2018 11:40

I think so yes. I had no preference at all, but knowing with my second helped me bond for some reason. It makes no real logical sense because it’s not like they act one way or the other and come out covered in pink or blue... I think it was more so I could imagine them

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