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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Home birth? DH anti

46 replies

MrsCaecilius · 25/01/2018 17:57

I really want a home birth. I'm a very private person and would value being in my own environment and the one to one midwife care. Obviously if I was deemed low risk. We are 20 mins from hospital.

DH is anti and says he would never forgive himself ( and by extension, me) if I had a home birth and something detrimental happened to the baby.

Impasse. Not sure where to go from here!

OP posts:
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Loosemoose28 · 25/01/2018 18:07

Look at this website together

www.homebirth.org.uk/

Scribblegirl · 25/01/2018 18:09

Difficult. Personally I am more in your DH's camp but at the same time I do feel the person giving birth should get the casting vote.

Sunshinegirl82 · 25/01/2018 18:15

Is there a midwife led unit near you that you could use? Would that provide a compromise?

Is your midwife on board with the home birth? Could you meet her together to discuss your dh's concerns?

Ultimately it's your body and so I think the choice is ultimately yours to make. That said, I understand your husband's concerns.

GlitterRollerSkate · 25/01/2018 18:20

I wanted a home birth but my husband begged me not to as we are at least a 45 min drive from the hospital even with blue lights. We looked into birthing centres and the one attached to the hospital was actually really nice. They let you bring pretty much anything in you would want at home. There was a kitchen to make toast or microwave something. The only thing that they didn't allow that I wanted was scented candles due to the fire risk. they even allowed rubber ducks in the birthing pool don't ask... Blush I blame hormones.

But I was only in the centre for 15 mins as my birth went terribly wrong and I had an emcs. Thankfully we were both fine after a while but to be honest I'm glad my husband begged me not to. But this is only my experience I am sure there are thousands of people every day that have a successful home delivery.

My friend had 2 home births. Both perfectly uneventful. Another friend tried and was blue lighted to hospital. Also the outcome was fine.

Have you had a baby before?

Bananamanfan · 25/01/2018 18:22

Staying relaxed is one of the most important factors in a safe birth, if you would feel more relaxed at home I think you should go for it. When I was researching homebirth for DD 7 years ago; home births were statistically safer for low risk births than low risk births in hospital.

timeisnotaline · 25/01/2018 18:23

I’m in your dhs camp. A significant number of first births need to go to a hospital, id rather start there. If you have an easy first birth then go for a homebirth for your 2nd :)

mindutopia · 25/01/2018 18:25

Do you have a local home birth group? See if your dh will go with you to it and meet other couples who've had home births. Usually it's the dads who, once they've done it, become the biggest champions of home birth. It's usually a much more rewarding experience for them than being in hospital.

I had my first at home 5 years ago and I'm pregnant with #2 who is due any day now and am having another home birth. We're about 20 minutes from hospital as well. Honestly, it was lovely and I think it was all so much more straightforward because we were at home. I progressed quickly from PROM (waters going first with no contractions) to her being born in 11 hours, even being back to back. I was really relaxed and comfortable. Needed no pain relief other than using a TENS machine.

And importantly, I believe that being at home actually saved us from unnecessarily intervention, which could have led to a birth injury and at least quite a bit of birth trauma for me. We had an extended 2nd stage (pushing) because my dd was back to back. She turned as I pushed, which is quite normal, but it does mean it takes extra time. I pushed on and off for 4 hours. Midwives were excellent and monitored us very closely and would have transferred me in had they had any concerns about lack of progress, which they didn't really. Because I wasn't in hospital I wasn't put on the clock (which is usually hospital protocol, 2 hours max pushing with a 1st birth). They watched me and supported me and let me get on with it. And when she was turned and ready, she was born quite quickly after that. I almost certainly would have ended up with a forceps delivery in hospital, which would have not only been traumatic, but might have left me and baby with the injuries. My friend's son was in hospital and had the same sort of situation and he ended up with awful facial injuries and it was all very scary for her. So bad things can happen whether you're at hospital or at home, but sometimes avoiding unnecessary intervention can mean you avoid causing complications that can be avoided. I had lovely midwives whose judgement I trusted and I felt very well cared for. Around here, if you have a home birth, you also get a dedicated midwife who does all of your antenatal appts (at home) and then on the day, you get 2, sometimes 3 (if they bring a student) midwives all completely focused on you. You aren't sharing them with everyone else on a busy ward like you would in hospital. That means much more personal and attentive care and means they're able to monitor you carefully in case anything were to arise that needed a higher level of care. I know several mums though who have had to have an emergency transfer from a home birth and actually all of them said they were so glad they were home to start because the midwives were able to catch it before it became a serious emergency because the care ratio is so much better. That said, there's very few things home birth midwives can't handle at home. Pretty much the only thing they aren't equipped to do is perform a c-section. But if you were in hospital, you'd need to be prepped, theatre prepared and sterilised, consent forms signs, care team assembled from around the ward, etc. which takes 20-30 minutes in most cases. All that will happen while you're transferring, which shouldn't delay your care at all and because you're a transfer, you may actually get preferential access to theatre anyway, which is exactly what you want in a true emergency (which is unlikely to happen at home anyway, but it's good to know).

My dh was supportive of home birth for my first, but we went to our local home birth group and he got to talk to other parents who'd had home births and found it really reassuring. So definitely look and see what resources you have in your area.

McTufty · 25/01/2018 18:30

You are the one giving birth so I think you get the casting vote!

However, I would make a couple of points to consider:

  1. you and your baby are very precious to your DH. Yes, he isn’t the one giving birth. But if he is anxious about losing one or both of you, that’s not unreasonable and I would take that seriously.

  2. if it’s your first birth, there is a higher risk of a negative outcome if it is a homebirth, or at least that’s what the nhs info I got was (4 in 1000 instead of 1 in 1000 or some such). Risk is very small, so I’m not suggesting it’s bad to choose a homebirth, but it is 4 times greater at home.

  3. you spend much of the labour at home anyway, and only go in once ir progresses to established labour.

  4. is there a good birthing centre near you? Ideally one near a hospital. This could be a compromise?

Ultimately if you will only be happy with a homebirth then I think it’s important you’re relaxed and comfortable as you’re the one giving birth, but if being in a birthing centre would work for you, and make your husband feel reassured, it’s worth considering.

Whatever you decide I hope you have a relaxing and uncomplicated birth and enjoy your baby Smile

BrutusMcDogface · 25/01/2018 18:30

I'd love a home birth for my fourth- have had three pretty straight forward labours so far- dp says no as he's worried about something going wrong. Sad

unicornfarts · 25/01/2018 18:34

But if you were in hospital, you'd need to be prepped, theatre prepared and sterilised, consent forms signs, care team assembled from around the ward, etc. which takes 20-30 minutes in most cases

Sorry - have to disagree with this. If you need a crash section you go into the emergency standby theatre and the treatment is effected without the 'normal' consent process because it is in the patient's best interest not to delay. 6minutes to get the baby out is the quickest I've seen and that's not far off the average.

It's a personal choice of course but with any gamble in life you have to decide whether you are prepared to accept the consequence if the gamble doesn't go your way. As PPs have said, there are alternatives in between home birth and hospital birth.

MmmMalbec · 25/01/2018 18:34

It’s such a big risk when you have no idea what to expect from labour. I’m personally with your DH (I’d have died if I had a home birth with my first). If this one goes smoothly then maybe next time look at a home birth?

bobstersmum · 25/01/2018 18:38

For my last baby I had a home birth arranged as a safety net because I have very fast labours but even though it was only a just in case plan, dh was very against it although he did say it was my decision. On the day I went into labour I was 10 days overdue and I had a feeling my baby had passed meconium in my waters ( absolutely no idea why I thought this) so off we went to the birth centre, just made it through the doors, waters popped, full of meconium, had to waddle next door to the hospital and promptly delivered baby.
In hindsight my gut feeling was correct.
I would say talk it through with your midwife, maybe put it in place, but see how you feel on the day.
Out of my three births the best by far was a water birth at the birth centre.

Resurgam2016 · 25/01/2018 18:44

I've had two home births and one hospital. The hospital birth was stressful and alarming. The home births two of the best if not the two best days of my life. I was at home, in control and relaxed. I even managed to live tweet most of one. Grin.

However the hospital one was premature twins, the home births term singletons. The birth experience varies so much from person to person and birth to birth. The only people who can decide what is best are you and your DH. Would it be worth visiting the hospital to see if any of your fears about privacy etc are likely to be an issue. And for DH to chat to some people who had home births?

He will be worrying about the health and safety of you and the baby. It's a very natural emotion and you want to put his fears at rest and address your own before you decide.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 25/01/2018 18:45

I wouldn’t risk it for my first.

Addy2 · 25/01/2018 19:14

I've read that about 40% of first time mums who attempt home birth end up being transferred to hospital anyway, so see your dp's point. Ultimately though, it's got to be the decision that feels right for you. Have you tried Which? Birth choice? It's good for showing options in your area.

www.which.co.uk/birth-choice

Gammeldragz · 25/01/2018 19:22

I wanted home births with all three, first labour took too long so we ended up in hospital. Second was fine at home and lovely. Third I noticed meconium in the waters before Midwife arrived so went to hospital, luckily as we had shoulder distocia and Dd got stuck on the way out.
So you can plan a home birth but may well not get one, however as long as you know when to call it quits I don't see why you can't plan one and hope for the best.

GummyGoddess · 25/01/2018 19:24

I did have a home birth for my first and am planning one for my second. My DH was also against it at first but was really reassured by the NCT teacher explaining how it would work, and he was eventually swayed by the fact that I would get two midwives all to myself for labour, and knowing that at the slightest hint of anything going wrong they would be bundling me into an ambulance immediately.

There also seems to be a lower risk of infection and tearing in home births but I can't remember the reason for that at the moment. I got away without having either of those issues thankfully, and was so nice to be tucked into my own bed next to DH afterwards. Even during that night when DC woke after the midwives had left, DH was immediately out of bed and picking him up to pass to me for feeding so I didn't have to move much.

expatmigrant · 25/01/2018 19:56

I'm with your DH on this. Have had 2 difficult births and neither of mine would be here now if I had opted for home birth.

Rumpledfaceskin · 25/01/2018 20:01

I wouldn’t for a first birth as you’ve no idea how you’ll Labour. I’ve not met many who’ve had a really straightforward 1st. Sorry I think I’d listen to dh. 20 mins from hosp is probably a little too far. Plus if he’s anxious you may end up feeling more anxious too which can be detrimental and not enjoying the experience anyway.

GlitterRollerSkate · 25/01/2018 20:05

@unicornfarts is correct in regards to a crash section which is what happened to us. There wasn't room in any of the theatres for us so it was done outside in the anthethetis room. Baby was out within 5 minutes. There wasn't time for signing forms.p

GlitterRollerSkate · 25/01/2018 20:08

Oops accidentally sent as I dropped my fone!

Op you need to trust your gut on this one. It's ultimately up to you. You are very much entitled to change your mind at any point. So you can plan for a home birth and request midwives and then get transferred to hospital.

GinIsIn · 25/01/2018 20:09

For a first baby I really wouldn’t - there’s a 40% transfer rate to hospital and a much greater risk to both you and the baby. This is from the NHS website, based on the last major study -
“when the researchers focused solely on women planning to have their first baby at home, they found they were almost three times more likely to suffer complications than if they went to hospital”

I had a low risk pregnancy and I live 15 mins from the hospital. I would be dead now if I’d had a home birth.

Amatree · 25/01/2018 20:12

While most people would say the mother gets to decide as she's the one giving birth, I err more towards you needing to come to a joint decision. This is your DH's baby too and he has made his views very clear. If you insist on a home birth and something goes wrong, he will never forgive you (rightly or wrongly) so you need to bake your decision on that basis.

I personally would never have a home birth, for me it's too risky and feels like sticking two fingers up at the fantastic free medical care we're so lucky to have in the UK. I would never have forgiven myself if something went wrong and I had to live with the fact that I'd rejected the opportunity to be in a hospital.

You need to be happy and comfortable but I would urge you to also respect your husband's right to have some say too and he obviously feels very strongly.

Whowhatwhy · 25/01/2018 20:18

I had a crash section. It was incredibly fast. There is no way on earth my baby would have survived a home birth. Please think about that OP. Low risk you may be but anything can happen when you're giving birth and everything can change in an instance (cord prolapse in my case).

sauceyorange · 25/01/2018 20:20

I did, straightforward labour and birth with my first. Loved it and wanted to do it all again the next day. I was lucky, but being at home helped, I think. Also had 3 midwives, so loads of care and bf established immediately as one did nothing else.

FWIW the 40% transfer rate is the same from the midwifery led centre to the labour ward, so it's not 'worse' for homebirths. The birthplace study showed that overall risks were just the same for Home and midwifery centre births, for low risk pregnancies.

Midwives are incredibly risk averse and would take im you in at the slightest concern. I would suggest getting them to talk to you and DH together, if you haven't already. Good luck!

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