Bad Mood - Trying to arrange childcare cover whilst giving birth

[User45632874]

I am 30+1 and due to give birth in March.
I have two dc's aged 11 and 4
I have had a previous late loss and would prefer it if my husband could be with me at birth...I have been anxious all along for the above reason.
There are various people - perhaps about 4 that I could ask to take care of my dcs BUT each of them has commitments and it is doing my head in trying to work out logistics of who to contact when, who will be available etc. confirming telephone numbers even asking for their help in the first place when I usually don't leave my dc with anyone.
I have no extended family (and feeling this too at the moment because I desperately need to call upon someone).
I have just bitten dh's head off when he suggested his grown up daughter who choses not to be a part of our lives and works full-time is called upon at a moments notice (and paid) - she works full time anyway.
I have contacted emergency childcare and the only way of guaranteeing a nanny is to block book someone - so it would cost several hundreds of pounds to employ someone that I wouldn't really use the rest of the time and I think it is awful to be held to ransom in this way. I am stressed to the hilt anyway about this pregnancy (due to the late loss) and the unpredictability of it all is completely stressing me. I like to think of myself as a capable person but this seems to be completely outside the realms of my control (despite my best efforts to make arrangements). What I want is someone to say, I will drop everything and be there at a moments notice and this is completely unrealistic given that my friends have children/part-time jobs etc. I hate this; not only have I got the wonderful (painful) joys of childbirth to look forward to, I am left dealing with this crappy situation and trying to get my head around giving birth alone which frightens me beyond belief. Sorry about the rant; there isn't much anyone can say/suggest really I don't think but I always feel better after having a rant on mumsnet.

You deserve to rant, you are having it tough. My husband actually made me really scared during my first birth, EMCS, so not only was I dealing an operation after a long labour but I had to keep asking him if he was okay and reassuring him. He was okay in the second section but the fear on his face again did not comfort me. I assume it will be the same this time round so to be honest I am only working on how I will cope.

You seem to have solutions but they are expensive or a pain in the butt. Is there any reason your DH cannot organise this since its likely he’ll be the one liaising with them?

Not saying you are but I am a control freak and you cannot be about birth so work out the easiest option (probably a financial one) and try to make peace with it. You will have a baby and lots to do when they arrive so focus on organising those parts.

I have no-one to drop everything, two DC’s under 5, my husband is a 90 minute drive from me during day and the hospital another hour so I have no idea what I’ll do when I go into labour. Either DH is here or comes to get me in time and someone helps out if they are free, I call an ambulance and hope someone can take my kids or I have no idea as high risk so homebirth not an option. I am just going to assume it all works out...

I know it isn’t the same, but now anout hiring a doula so you know for certain that you will definitely have a birthing partner and then your DH can sort out childcare whilst you go to hospital?

Is a home birth a possibility? Or do you have any local Facebook parent groups where you could ask for recommendations for local babysitters and have a list to work through when the time comes? Otherwise would you be able to discuss having a planned birth, so you would have a (hopeful) date for when the baby arrives assuming that it doesn’t want to make an earlier appearance? I think hospitals tend to be very considerate towards parents who have previously experienced a loss, so might be agreeable and understanding.

I hope it all works out ok for you.

Thanks for your replies.
A homebirth is not possible, I am under consultant led care. I don't relish the prospect of C-section unless I have to - surgery + recovery time.

DH will be left at the coalface so to speak organising the childcare but he does masses already as well as working full-time, so I don't feel I can put this on him really as it is both our responsibility.
It's just bloody annoying when you feel cornered into this situation and yes, to some extent I think I am a control freak but wasn't so concerned previously as my first dd was 7 and at school when I gave birth to my second dc and was really easy for a friend to drop off and pick up. Dc2 is a handful and only attends pre-school part-time - will start school in September.
Plus, I think having the late loss as really made me feel very wobbly (I had to go through a very undignified birth for him at 22 weeks - wont go into details).
We do have financial resources but I begrudge spending it on this type of thing - when we could spend it on so many other things for the dc etc. I have e-mailed a local doula to see how much they charge - the last quote came back at £600, really only want to spend £200 for a trainee type person. I have given birth three times already and I have breastfed twice, I am quite a private person and don't really want someone else hanging about the birth - my dh is a very calm person - doesn't say a lot - but is very calm and I feel as long as he is there I can get through it. Really angry that there isn't greater support out there - I have no parents - estrangements through no fault of my own - dh doesn't either (deceased) and our siblings are beyond useless - again no fault of our own, we have always had to be self sufficient really but now I am feeling really disadvantaged and this is the last thing I want to be worrying about...there really is no proper provision, unless you are prepared to pay through the nose (at a time when you could probably do with the extra cash to spend on baby).
All this while wondering whether I will actually end up with a live baby this time - not good!

Hi OP, this may be unhelpful but I don't think you're being unreasonable to want someone to drop everything for you on this one occasion. I have maybe 2 people I feel I can count on for this (I'm due dc2 in may), one is scheduled to be my 2nd birth partner and the other is prepared to be up in the night/late to work/whatever to take ds1 while I give birth.
Now I don't think I'm being entirely selfish, I've also dropped everything for these two people when they've needed me despite having ds and a full time job. Sometimes you have to be there for people.
I wish someone could do this for you, I really do. If you were my friend I swear I would help you x

I’m a childminder and would be happy to be on call for this sort of thing, with only payment for the time I had the children.

And I don’t mean me specially but could you try local cms?

Ahh, Sleepy, you sound lovely and your friends are lucky to have you; that is why you have nice friends most likely. Whilst, I would be prepared to do this if someone else was in this position, it is slightly easier for me in that I am sahm; if push came to shove (pardon the pun) I expect a few friends would be prepared to drop everything and although they have volunteered themselves they haven't gone over the top with whatever, or I'll just ring work or whatever time of night and each person has their own issues - one has had breast cancer (o.k now but I'm concerned for her welfare) another is a single mum with a part-time job ...another walks her children along a busy road to school and dd2 is a nightmare and an escape artist and I would worry myself about her safety...I know nothing is perfect but in every instance I feel that either I am really putting upon people or there is an element of mistrust.
Thanks for your reply Frosty...however a cm many need to be called upon in the middle of the night - that's the thing it is all so unpredictable and if it were more predictable I could set about organising it - extra hours at pre-school but pre-school (two different ones) is a ten minute drive etc. This is hard...I am usually self sufficient and definitely too proud to ask for help - I was crawling around on my hands and knees with (hip) pain on the floor the other day and would rather have stayed doing that (thankfully it has gone away now) than pick up the phone and ask anyone for help (apart from dh of course). I am probably making a mountain out of a molehill here but I would rather pay someone a couple of hundred pounds and have a business type agreement - the trouble is we aren't really talking a couple of hundred we are probably talking more like £600 which seems absolutely ridiculous to me.

Well I realise that, but it’s a one off, I’d still be prepared to help someone out like this. Registered, DBS, first aid. £100 max.

Like I say, not trying to plug me! It’s just another avenue to try.

Waiting on the doula trainee avenue response now; down but not out...just yet and yes will just have to bite the bullet eventually, swallow my pride and dump dds on somebody eventually...but that feels like a last result (but perhaps a very likely one!).
It's weird how I am happy to offer to help but crap at asking for it...a psychologist would have a field day with me I'm sure!

Wow Frosty that's an absolutely amazing service...you could be undercharging at £100, unsociable hours and all of that...

Agree with Frosty. I'm a CM and registered with Ofsted for overnight care and would be happy to do this.
I am registered with my local councils children's services and have received calls from them in the past to help parents in your situation. Could you give your local team a call and ask who they are aware of in your area?
Best of luck!

Yeah but knowing it gives a birthing mother peace of mind is worth it.

I had home births for all of mine. I had the births I wanted with my dh by my side. I think it’s the least any birthing woman deserves.

Sounds really stressful. Are all 4 friends busy for the best part of a month? Seems strange they all know what are doing in 2months time every day/evening/night. Unless they all are single parents and don’t drive.

How are your neighbours? Any mums at school you see live near you? If it was me I think I would ask neighbours, they will be closest and most available. If you don’t want block book Agemcy and really really have no one to ask, id ask them now. They can come to yours in middle of night or whatever.

Is it possible to be induced? This would then give you a rough time scale for the birth to work within?

They have done this is Dublin where child care is an issue.

Would your friends be able to commit to particular days so that they each cover small chunks that collectively cover you - a rota of cover.

I was 'on' one of these for a friend in a similar position. I couldn't cover all times but did Tuesday and Wednesday nights (or something, can't remember exactly), made sure they didn't get booked up and kept my phone on loud. She would message me to make sure I had remembered in advance.

P. S. They had a spreadsheet I think, and friends volunteered the days/nigjts they were available.

Is there a member of staff at the pre school that might be able to help?

Worth an ask.

Fingers crossed for a quick and easy birth in school hours

Butterfly...I have heard inductions can be painful...I was induced (I think) when I delivered my late son and it was a horrible drawn out affair.

No, not all friends are busy...just busy at different times x works on x days whilst x works x,x,x, all have children but are nearby so could drop my dcs off. Neighbours are lovely, just trying to summons up courage to ask...although retired they are very active and have lots of grandchildren of their own that they help out with. I'm going to have to be a big girl and go ask but how I hate to do this - the female neighbour is lovely (her husband is not quite so easy going). Blah...feel horribly beholdent...I have asked for their help a few times...they have never once had to ask for help from me - probably because they are not part of a bloody dysfunctional family and have lots of family members to call upon!

Planned c section? Then you know your dates for childcare. Plus if no one can manage those dates, could your 11 year old mind the 4 year old in your hospital room during the hour or so you are in theatre delivering the baby?
Then you get dp at the birth, but him doing childcare the rest of the time. The kids feel involved and see the baby early and you have control of the situation. Would only work if your dc are mature for there age and the 4 year old listens to the big one.

If you're in south or west London by any chance then have a look at Hello Mums - it's a babysitting agency but it offers a "birth cover" service, basically you pay a daily £20 retainer to have someone on call for those days and they will turn up any time of night or day you need within those days (then you pay for the hours they are there). Brilliant idea, I don't know if there are orher agencies out there which offer this?

Lots of people must be in this situation. I was (without the loss worry )

I had home birth for dc2 but didnt want my 3yo there. I def wanted dh to be at the birth.

I arranged for various friends to be on standby. I know when they work so i had a few lined up. I asked distant family members (not estranged) to be on standby to leg it to my city if i went into labour but they wouldnt come at night and they werent going to drop everything plus i labour quickly so i wasnt expecting much help there.

In the end my labour fell neatly into when ds was at nursery and my dps turned up in time to help empty the birthing pool and pick ds up from nursery. So i didnt need the friend help id arranged.

Hopefully your birth will work whem its most convenient for you.

Yes, Snow thinking spreadsheet type scenario...can you imagine it...it's going to be a logistical nightmare...when you are in excruciating pain and you (or your dh) is having to consult a spreadsheet, whilst trying to bundle two kids out the door with luggage that looks as if they are going on a weeks holiday (thinking more of dd2). Sorry, going into that horrible, cross mood again when really, it isn't going to help. Sooner or later, I will have to bite the bullet and draw up that spreadsheet! Easier to bung someone a couple of hundred pounds to be on absolute standby...if only it was a couple of hundred pounds...praying there is an amenable trainee doula hereabouts as another option.

I don't know pre-school staff all that well unfortunately and regrettably made few friends over the past few years with dd2 (I had ptsd with late loss that made me very withdrawn and have only just got back on my feet - determined to make more friends when dd starts school in September!). So invariably, my existing friends are linked to my older dc who has just started secondary school - so these friends have older children now and have started to return to work etc.

Hi an other idea is to talk to your DC nursery / school. They might know someone (CM) or are able to help.

Doulas are birth partners though not childcarers?