Bad Mood - Trying to arrange childcare cover whilst giving birth

[User45632874]

I am 30+1 and due to give birth in March.
I have two dc's aged 11 and 4
I have had a previous late loss and would prefer it if my husband could be with me at birth...I have been anxious all along for the above reason.
There are various people - perhaps about 4 that I could ask to take care of my dcs BUT each of them has commitments and it is doing my head in trying to work out logistics of who to contact when, who will be available etc. confirming telephone numbers even asking for their help in the first place when I usually don't leave my dc with anyone.
I have no extended family (and feeling this too at the moment because I desperately need to call upon someone).
I have just bitten dh's head off when he suggested his grown up daughter who choses not to be a part of our lives and works full-time is called upon at a moments notice (and paid) - she works full time anyway.
I have contacted emergency childcare and the only way of guaranteeing a nanny is to block book someone - so it would cost several hundreds of pounds to employ someone that I wouldn't really use the rest of the time and I think it is awful to be held to ransom in this way. I am stressed to the hilt anyway about this pregnancy (due to the late loss) and the unpredictability of it all is completely stressing me. I like to think of myself as a capable person but this seems to be completely outside the realms of my control (despite my best efforts to make arrangements). What I want is someone to say, I will drop everything and be there at a moments notice and this is completely unrealistic given that my friends have children/part-time jobs etc. I hate this; not only have I got the wonderful (painful) joys of childbirth to look forward to, I am left dealing with this crappy situation and trying to get my head around giving birth alone which frightens me beyond belief. Sorry about the rant; there isn't much anyone can say/suggest really I don't think but I always feel better after having a rant on mumsnet.

I have total placenta previa so could have to rush to hospital at any time. We have a spreadsheet for childcare and I felt soooo much better when I'd finished it and emailed it to the people who I had asked to help. It is a logistical nightmare but a spreadsheet made me feel in control again!

What about a babysitting agency?

Or ask at your dcs preschools, would any of them look after your dcs for a one off situation? They'd have to take them to work if a working day, so long as they were within ratio.

Minipie, that sitter service sounds great and not badly priced either. Sadly, I live nowhere near London but I will carry on looking to see if there is anything similar here. Basically, you have to block book a nanny I think if you want this on-call availability and who the hell knows when the baby will come unless of course you are either a) induced or b) C-section neither of which are a first go to choice in my opinion, so you could be block booking for weeks without really making use of the service (nice work if you can get it!)
DD1 is reasonably mature for her age and could be trusted alone etc. but DD2 is energetic and unpredictable unfortunately.
Yes, note to baby...could you please arrive at x, that would be most convenient, sorry not helpful to be sarcastic...when are young children ever compliant? (too young in the womb to be bribed!)

Just re-read the ages, could your 12yr old go and stay with a friend? Even if it happened in the night, as a one off?

11yr old.

looks like the spreadsheet is the way to go...by the way friends/people you are now on a rota...but yes, it would be reassuring to do this...perhaps, I will have to bite the bullet and get on with it, instead of wishing this imaginary super nanny figure to arrive from somewhere. Yes, I see your point about a doula Frosty...just wondering if they would be prepared to do this kind of thing...since they are work on an on-call basis and lots of them look from their profiles as if they have their own children. Will research sitting agencies too...it's the unsociable hours thing though and leaving your dcs with more or less a stranger (obviously they can meet beforehand etc.)

Yes, 11 year no problem at all can catch bus to school etc. It still comes down to the 4 year old though who although is a handful is very bright and would be absolutely aware of what was going on if I took her anywhere near a delivery room. I wouldn't hesitate in asking anyone to keep an eye on dd1...she is more or less self sufficient and could let herself back into the house to collect things etc.

I was in a similar position with number three in that I had one person to call on day or night. That day her car had broken down and the man next door was fixing it. He ended up taking me to Health Centre five miles away with my two kids. I had never met him before.The hospital was 35 miles away. I ended up in labour in the Health Centre for nearly four hours because first I had to wait for an appointment ( yes really) then when GP said yes in labour and as I had no one he said ambulance would take me. The only trouble was that it had just left with a patient to go to the hospital in the next town in the opposite direction. My DP was working away but due home that day but it was a two hour flight and a two and a half train ride to the hospital. My friend arranged a message on the train for him. Eventually the ambulance returned and although they weren't to keen to take them, the kids came too. They of course thought it was great. The man who had sat down next to me ( HC)and moved was relieved to see me go as I was getting strong contractions. No one had gone back to tell GP but I knew he was a trained obstetrician (in Edinburgh) so could have delivered but it wasn't necessary. We arrived after a not very nice journey and my mum( who couldn't drive) arrived to take my sons while I was taken straight to delivery suite. I was about another hour and DH literally walked in the door and round the side of the bed and DH was born. He went around telling everyone how easy it was this time. I was ready to flatten him. Three weeks later I was back in because I was haemoraging.sp) The strange thing was when I moved countries and was pregnant with number four the Consulant turned out to have trained with my GP and lost touch so I put him back in touch and they had a reunion in Edinburgh and quite a weekend. He looked after me very well. DD birth didn't go too well and I was told to have no more.

I just wanted to say I understand exactly what you are talking about I was nervous too and more so with number four as I had no relatives except disabled ( wheelchair) MIL.
Have you considered asking at the Pre school or school. Some of those staff might be willing to step in. They might be willing even if the middle of the night and they could take the children to pre school and school. You would trust them because you know them, the children know them and DBS too. The other idea would be that they might know someone that does supply for them that might also be willing. I did supply for two years and if DH was here to look after my kids I could have easily done something like that for someone. It is worth a thought!
Sorry for long post but good luck I hope it works out.

Embrace the cross for now, get it all out and acknowledge how frustrating the situation is!

Then move on to the next stage. There are some other good ideas to explore but I don't think the spreadsheet would end up being as awful and complicated as you imagine - you'd check every morning and evening and write the name and number if that person on your fridge or something. Takes 2 mins twice a day. Kids would have their own bag ready each to be dropped off a friends on way to the hospital.

An induction doesn’t need to be painful and in fairness, labour can be painful regardless. As it will be your fourth labour, your body will know what it is doing and it should be quicker and easier. Maybe the prospect of a possibility of a slightly more painful labour and being induced would be more comforting than weeks of worry about not having childcare? If a painful labour bothers you, you could explore the possibility of painkillers like an epidural to ease it.

I've got a sneaky feeling OP that you're prioritising others needs ahead of yours a bit too much. I think you said you've got 4 people you could use. Would even one of them really be unwilling to take time out of their day to help your kids in such a situation?
Would it be so terrible if they were late to work, or had to get up in the night just this once for you?
Maybe you could put them in order of priority and have a cascade system - No.1 helper will be on standby but if they really really can't do it they ring No.2 helper, etc. I'd bet you wouldn't get past No. 1 helper.
Logically if you rang me when I was at work, I would have pre-warned them of my helper status anyway and tell them it was time. If I was on the school run I'm sure I could take 10 mins to finish the drop off before running to you etc.
Think positive xx

Thanks. Sleepy and everyone else...I think the spreadsheet/list of telephone numbers is the way to go as frustrating as it is and not trying to be too negative but none of these friends have high flying careers so I don't suppose it would cause massive disruption to call upon them. After exhausting practically every avenue, it seems that the spreadsheet idea is the way to go. I contacted a doula (because I thought she was a trainee) who weirdly said that she wouldn't be able to look after my children because she has her own children - hang on a minute, am I missing something or aren't doulas meant to be present at the birth, therefore someone would have to look after their children anyway. I hate going cap in hand but I'm going to have to visit my lovely neighbour shortly and try to get her on board (hopefully, she will offer during our conversation...I hate going to someone because I need something). It really has helped thrashing this out; I think I will feel better after I have knuckled down and drawn up this blasted spreadsheet. DH bless him was researching names and best value batteries whilst I was hammering away on the keyboard on mumsnet yesterday evening full of rage and anxiety! Let me have the names for people to call upon in priority order he says...I cant knock him really, he is a super dh just more chilled than me!

Bowerbird, just wanted to say, I am sorry to hear about your situation that sounded very stressful x

I think you just need to go with a really detailed plan. You’ve realistically got 5 weeks to cover. Start with your most available person and then work to cover the gaps. My family support was 2 hours away so I literally had a rota of 3 friends who were ‘on call’ for that time. It was detailed down to the hour. I am ever so greatful especially as they kept their phone on overnight for their ‘on call’ nights but I needed to know if I had a quick labour who I was going to call. In the end I had 3 slow labour and my mum made with waaaay before any of my babies were born but I couldn’t have relaxed into labour without knowing how I would look after my olde kids. It’s an unusual circumstance- my friend were happy to help and I would be more than happy to help a friend of neighbour.

I have just swallowed my pride and e-mailed first friend for up to date contact details/days she works. Yuck, none of this sits well with me! The baby is due just before the Easter Hols...I don't think they will let me go over because of my age etc. but the Easter Hols would present another challenge and at least day to day (term time) people tend to be in set routines! It's rubbish not having a decent family member to call upon, though I suspect I am not alone (just feeling sorry for myself!). She waddles off to start spreadsheet...

I was in such a situation with DC3, newly moved to the area and not many friends. I did befriend a returned neighbour that I had met through ordering bulk organic food (random), she came and met my children and was ready to be on call. I also found a local nanny through some website or other, met her and agreed that she would be on my list, I think we discussed a retainer but she agreed to only be paid if I needed her. I think she understood my panic and knew that in the end I would find another solution but was happy to give me the reassurance of having a backup plan. In the end, a school friend of DS's took him from school and one of the nursery helpers who had a car, took DD for the afternoon and then dropped her round to DS's friend's house. Thankfully DS2 cooperated and arrived in reasonable time and DH was able to pick the children up the following day.

First bit of rota information returned...complex already and that's just the first person. Onwards and upwards!

Well done!

Well, the saga continues...but a solution made be imminent (fingers crossed). A bit more about the saga first if anyone's bothered at this point and quite frankly not bored witless to the same extent of my stress levels. I woke up early this morning...worrying.
Went to see person no.2 for complex and quite frankly draining rota proposition. She agreed to help (but didn't specify extent or gush willingly) so I said I'm TRYING to draw up a rota of support etc. for when I go into labour. "Do you want me write down the days when I am available," she says. "Um, no, it's o.k, I know you work on x and x days." There was no, I will drop everything and be round like a shot as another poster suggested (clearly these people lead lives that can't be a halted in a crisis - a woman going into labour with no bloody childcare support is a crisis in my opinion). Sorry, to be waspish but both these individuals work part-time in low paid jobs and one could swop days to make up time etc (flexi-time). I like to think it is because these individuals have clearly forgotten the stress of going into labour (they had their children 10+ years ago) and think that it is a walk in the park, this is the only way I can reconcile it and still believe they are lovely people and not just crap, selfish friends.
However, (glimmer of hope)
Youngest dd attends a kindergarten attached to a private school two days a week. It really hadn't dawned on me about wrap around care (given that the other pre-school she attends offers patchy and ad hoc care - closed on x afternoons etc.). Reading the notes, it looks like you could potentially drop your child off at 8.20 pm and organise after school care until 6.00 pm five days a week! This is bloody brilliant...I will be sending an e-mail later to see if they would be willing to accommodate dd on this emergency basis as a one off - whilst its not ideal dd knows the lay of the land, she is fed there and these people that have kindly volunteered their 'services' don't have a real reason not to be able to drop off or collect because it doesn't conflict with their busy working schedules (and quite frankly, they will just have to drop everything else around these times and get on with it!)
Wish me luck; this could be a major answer...I hope they have space availability etc. Still feeling bloody annoyed; it shouldn't be this difficult should it!

Just sent an e-mail to the Kindergarten (obviously, it wont be read until Monday)...there is so much riding on this...wish me luck!

p.s...you can't say I give up easily!

user I hope that works out. I do agree with the pp about asking the preschool staff if any of them would be willing to be "on call" for you. Especially since there are two pre schools she attends, better chance of success! I suspect (well, I hope) people who are in the world of small children and choose to work with them are more likely to be helpful about looking after your DC at short notice than friends who aren't in that mode iyswim.

OP, have you written everything down?
Take a page out of a calendar and write down who needs to be where and when (two weeks before and two weeks after JIC). Then slot in who can be "on-call" and when. Once you've got all the known's in place, you can work on filling in the blanks... then it may not be as daunting as you think it is. You might need several drafts, but once a solid (if slightly complicated) plan is in place, it'll be a weight off. Good luck x

Sorry, just realised you're on it already x

Hi mini...the problem with asking pre-school staff is that dd does not attend either pre-school in the village where we live - I drive 10 minutes either way, so none of the pre-school staff live on the doorstep and I have not befriended them in this way (although I am sociable), I do not feel I have a good enough relationship with them to call upon them.
Kindergarten...please come up trumps!