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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Fetal abnormality and deciding to terminate

33 replies

Emelyeb · 14/01/2018 09:07

We’ve just found out (Thursday) at 12 week scan that our baby is severely deformed- dave not formed properly, no chin, legs, hands and stomach not developed properly. Everything in my body is working fine and the baby’s heart is still beating, but if born the baby would be severely disabled and would have no proper life. We are devastated, but have made the decision to terminate for the baby’s sake. I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life and the grief and sadness is so scary, sometimes I feel like I can’t even move or lift my head. I’ve opted to have a medical termination where I take a pill (this is happening today) which stops the pregnancy then on Tuesday, I go in to the hospital and take another pill which causes contractions and my body to expel the baby. Surgical removal would have been less traumatic but I can’t risk any damage to my body or to a future pregnancy/ baby. I’m sad that I have to put my partner through this. If anyone has had something similar happen or has any advice I would really appreciate it, I’m just not sure how I am going to get through this. The future we had planned has just disappeared, the little baby that’s been growing inside me won’t be here after today. I’m sorry this is a sad post, but I could really do with some help right now. X

OP posts:

AmUsername · 14/01/2018 09:11

Oh love, I don't really have any words of wisdom but didn't want to read and run.
Handhold for you

piinkbubbles · 14/01/2018 09:11

Hi,

I've never been through this but couldn't read and not reply. You're not putting your partner through this, it's not your fault.

You're going through something that is so traumatic please be kind to yourself, how you're feeling is completely normal.

I'm so sorry this happened, I'm sure someone will be a long with better advice soon.

strangerhoesagain · 14/01/2018 09:13

You are doing the right thing.

BrutusMcDogface · 14/01/2018 09:14

I'm so, so sorry to hear this. You poor things. Please don't feel bad about putting your partner through this; it's nobody's fault at all, and you're both in it together. Sending so much love

AshGirl · 14/01/2018 09:16

So sorry you are going through this

No immediate experience myself (although my best friend went through very similar) but I think you will get good support from a charity called ARC http://www.arc-uk.org/

Wishing you all the best

Dancinggoat · 14/01/2018 09:18

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.
You are going through this together and you are not putting him through anything.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 14/01/2018 09:20

I’ve been through similar. We were so excited with our first scan but were told after much testing that the baby wouldn’t survive the PG and I would become more ill. That we could continue but I’d probably miscarry by 24 weeks anyway. So we decided to terminate.

I can completely sympathise with everything you are feeling but agree with the others, you’re not putting your partner through this, it’s not sonetubg you’ve chosen and you’re going to get through this, with some love and support, together.

Fast forward a few years and I have 2 beautiful children both doing well at school, happy, loved and everything I wanted. It is horrible what you’re going through but for me, it made me treasure every moment when the babies did come along.

Take sone time off after Tuesday if you can, eat well and rest up and let yourself recover

seven201 · 14/01/2018 09:23

You are doing the right thing for the baby. for you and your dp.

Didiusfalco · 14/01/2018 09:33

I’ve been through similar. I told myself I was being the best mother I could to the baby, by not letting him suffer, and to my existing child.

Please don’t think this is something you are doing to your partner though, this is your joint baby and you are in this together. It’s hard though, because it is only you who signs all the consent forms, not him, so i do get that.

I think the waiting is the worst and when it is over the dread is gone and you can just get on with feeling sad. I had another baby a few years later and I found that very healing, although the pregnancy was stressful.

Waggily · 14/01/2018 10:13

I had to terminate a much-wanted pregnancy last year because our baby had Edwards Syndrome and was unlikely to make it to birth. It really is an awful feeling but your are doing what is right for your family and for the baby.

I had a medical management and it was fine. A bit painful but everyone was kind and happy to dispense pain relief. You should be able to see the baby afterwards if that's something you might like to do. I really regret not having a present for the baby so maybe think about whether you should take something (and get the same one for yourself as I really miss not having something of his).

The next few weeks and months are going to be hard and emotional but you will get through it.

WelshMammy123 · 14/01/2018 10:35

I am so sorry for what you're going through. We have sadly been through the same thing - different condition - but the same sad outcome. We were told at our 12 week scan that the baby's NT measurement was 5.1. We opted for a cvs and after a number of weeks and scans our baby - a little girl - was diagnosed as having a lethal skeletal dysplasia. She would have likely survived pregnancy but died either during birth or shortly afterwards as her chest was too deformed to allow her lungs to inflate.

I also opted for medical management. For me, delivering her was important. It was a heartbreaking process but I was glad that once she had been delivered we got the chance to spend time with her and to say our goodbyes.

I would echo a pp recommendation on ARC - they were and incredible source of information and support.

I don't have any advice for getting through the grief other than to allow yourself to feel what you feel. I am forever changed by what happened and I think of her almost daily.

We had genetic testing afterwards to see what had caused her condition. For us it turned out to just be one of those awful things.

Just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself x

Trooperslane2 · 14/01/2018 10:38

You are doing the right thing.

ARC are amazing

Have a debrief with the bereavement midwife, when you're ready.

They are amazing. Mine sat with me on the edge of the bed, crying with me and hugging me.

I'm so, so sorry xxxx

FacelikeaBagofHammers · 14/01/2018 10:40

I'm so sorry. That's devastating. You are doing the right thing for your child. Wishing you strength for the coming months. :(

IsabellaTruffle · 14/01/2018 10:40

I have no practical advice but just wanted to say how brave and strong you sound, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, you absolutely are doing the right thing by your little one though.

BobbyGentry · 14/01/2018 10:43

The SANDs Forum, termination due to abnormality, and ARC are supportive charities who can help get you through the next few months. Your beautiful baby will always be loved and never forgotten xXx Take care and please be gentle on yourself.

davidbyrneswhitesuit · 14/01/2018 10:49

I'm so very sorry, OP. I don't have first hand experience, but have two friends who have experienced this (both later on, after 20 week scan). It is an unbearably hard situation in which to find yourself; I came on to also recommend ARC - I know my friend had wonderful support from them, and she raised money for them as a memorial for her daughter.

Mumbofeet · 14/01/2018 11:19

I'm so sorry to read this, you're incredibly brave and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Make sure you and dp get through it together, take the time to grieve and don't push each other out. Big hugs

SleepFreeZone · 14/01/2018 11:21

I went through similar in September 2017 OP. Hand hold. I’m so sorry xxx

PlaySoft · 14/01/2018 11:23

Recommending ARC they are brilliant. to you

Amber199082 · 14/01/2018 13:33

So sorry OP, stay strong and look after yourself. xx

Original poster

Emelyeb · 14/01/2018 14:14

Thanks everyone for your kind messages, it’s so nice to hear despite it being such a sad time. I will definitely get in touch with ARC- thank you. Just been to have the first pill to end the pregnancy and then back to hospital on Tuesday for the rest. Hoping to feel better once that is all over. X

OP posts:

NikkiM87 · 14/01/2018 14:50

I am so sorry to hear this. It must be awful.
I understand that as women and the ones carrying the baby, we almost feel responsible or like it is our fault that this has happened. We are given one main task in our lives with our bodies and that is to grow healthy children.
(I have found out that the baby I am carrying has died and stopped growing and I too will be having a medical miscarriage soon) I would be 9 weeks today.
But it isn’t our fault. It isn’t your fault this has happened to you and your baby. After speaking to some wonderful people myself I realised this.
YOU haven’t put your partner through anything. And you will get through this together.
I find myself day dreaming back to the moment I saw that BFP. And the image I had in my head of what our baby would look like. The instant feelings and love and protection I felt towards it even though it was just a tiny little spot. But after a couple of weeks since we found out the bad news, I have come to terms with it. This time just wasn’t our time and I promise you, you will get your time again too. Sending lots of love

SunshineAndRaindrops · 14/01/2018 16:15

Couldn't read and not send my love, such a horrible situation but like many others I think you both have made the right decision. Please don't put blame on yourself, and ensure you speak to someone afterwards

AnotherBunIntOven · 14/01/2018 22:40

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You sound like a tough cookie.

Be prepared for the next few days. The feeling of emptiness can be overwhelming but is perfectly normal. You had a life growing inside you and a head full of future plans, it's just so sad. I was further along, and one thing that was difficult was everyone knowing, but that made me think about you being 12 weeks and people not knowing. My friends and family were amazing and supported us through the difficult times that followed, I really don't know how I would have coped without them. If you haven't already, open up to your mum or a good friend, they would want to be there for you. Your partner will too and it's important to keep communicating with him, but sometimes men can be a little confused by the situation, they want to make it better, but feel helpless and they're not great with crying. There are going to be times over the next few weeks where you just want to cry and drink wine! Women are better at wine!

We all grieve differently, just make sure you let it out. The fact that many people don't know might make you feel like you shouldn't, but this is a big deal and you should never feel ashamed of your grief. I put on so many smiles and brave faces for others and cried in my car after meetings, in the shower at home and sobbed myself to sleep most nights. Nobody would have wanted me to do that, however I still got to let it out...you can't be strong all the time!

Xxx

Mrstobe90 · 15/01/2018 01:00

I am so sorry

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