Pregnant and terrified

[30GoingOn13]

Hi all. I'm new here and feel like I need to seek some advice. My DH has wanted a baby for years. When we first got together, I also assumed that at some point in my life I would want children, as you do. 8 years later, and I don't think I want children. I decided that for the sake of my marriage, I needed to start trying. I know there are those among you that this will disagree with this, but I love my DH and will do absolutely anything for him; I was scared I would lose him if I didn't. I fell pregnant very quickly last year. My DH was delighted - I had a break down on the way home from the doctors. I was terrified. I refused to talk about it with him or anyone else. It transpired that I miscarried at 6 weeks. It's awful, but I felt like I had a lucky escape. I know how terrible that is; my best friend is just starting her first round of IVF - I should be very grateful to be blessed with this gift that not everyone has the good fortune to have bestowed upon them. It was a terrible ordeal and I was in a lot of pain, but I wasn't sad over the loss, I was just sad for my DH. I fell pregnant again 2 weeks after my miscarriage and I am now 9 weeks along. I'm shi**ing myself - I just know I am going to be a useless Mother. Most of my friends have babies and I have zero interest in them. I don't want to hold them, I don't have any maternal instincts to speak of and I don't really enjoy spending time with my friends any more as they are just consumed with their babies. My life has changed already and I don't even have a baby yet! I am terrified about what having a baby will do to my life and my marriage. I am terrified of it ruining my relationship with my DH. I'm terrified I will hate being a Mum. In short, I'm bricking it. In 7 months time, I am going to be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life and that thought is keeping me up at night. It's too huge to think about, so I am in denial at the moment. I did communicate my feelings to my DH before we started trying, but I don't think he really took it that seriously? I think he just assumes that I will be fine and get the hang of it - but what if I don't? Has anyone else experienced this dread and come out unscathed on the other side? Thanks. xx

Sorry your feeling this way OP. Your panicking and definitely need talk to someone in RL of how you feel. You don't want antenatal depression.

It is a big responsibility having children and totally changes peoples lives.
I think a lot of people think they know what it will be like when they have children. Some think, it will help their relationship, some people think they will enjoy and cherish every single moment, some think they will hate it.

Most are wrong. Holding your friends babys and having no interest in them doesnt necessarily mean you wont be a great mother and love your own children. i think a lot of people cant stand other people's kids including me

Definitely seek counselling. You may feel better once you see baby on the screen

Thanks for your reply cherryontopp. I agree that how I feel about other people's babies may not dictate how I feel about my own - I hope. I guess I have very low expectations of the experience and am only focusing on the negatives I see and hear about. Thanks for the advice! x

There is no comparison between what you feel about other people's babies and your own. Honestly not in the same ball park. You don't have to feel maternal about other people's kids to have it in you. It's hard to imagine in advance because you can clearly see all the downsides of having kids, but you can't see or touch the one huge upside that makes it all worth it - how much you love and enjoy your own child. It's a giant leap of faith but you'll be amazed at how you feel for them.

Having said that, you're not wrong to be daunted - it does massively change your life, especially for the first couple of years. You will find everything revolves around your baby for a long while. And depending on how you and your partner split the labour of childcare, it may change your daily life far more than his. You really need to have a plan for the kind of parents you want to be together, right down to childcare, parental leave, night feeds... You can't have a baby for someone else - it has to be a team effort or you'll resent him. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply tinymeteor, I really appreciate it. It's reassuring to hear about the feelings towards other people's children, as this is really all I have to go on right now! I agree, I feel like it is a huge leap into the unknown! And yes, division on labour has to be discussed. My DH is brilliant with children, so I have not worried about it too much. He will just take to it I'm sure. But I think in a few months time, we will need to have these discussions. Thanks! x

Do you want the baby? If so, then you could speak to your midwife and get some more support and help in regards to how you're feeling.

If not - then you still have options.

I can appreciate the sense of absolute dread as I felt the same when I (planned) got pregnant - It was just horrific, no excitement, no happiness just blind panic and it didn't get any better. For me, I made a decision to terminate as I knew I couldn't cope with feeling like that for another 6+ months, however that was my (right) decision and I've not tried again since as I think I'd feel the same.

So - Just because your Husband is over the moon, it doesn't mean you have to be, nor do you have to be happy about it (I believe some women really hate pregnancy). I guess it literally boils down to, if you could click your fingers and make a wish, would you wish you weren't pregnant?

You still have options. Marie Stopes offers non judgemental and non biased counselling for free over the phone or in person - even if your preference is to go ahead, it can be good to talk to someone who isn't invested in either answer.
But also - not being generally maternal doesn't mean you won't love your own children. My sister felt similarly to you - but has gone on to have three and is a great mum (still hates playgroups and school events though!). This is a huge change and you need to be on board, it's hard to do at such a stressful time but really worth taking the time for yourself to work out how you feel.

I felt similarly when the midwife passed me my baby. It never seemed real up until that point.

I just remember thinking - I've got to look after you for the rest of my life and felt really put out. My dp was so excited and I was so confused.

Over time though I can't imagine life any other way. I love my dc and everything I worried about just came out of instinct. It took a little time but I cannot believe how happy it's made me.

Do you know what op. I never wanted kids, I wasn’t maternal, had never even held a baby, didn’t even think little kids were cute, nothing. Then I found myself pregnant at 22. I was still at uni, I won’t lie, the first few weeks were tough as hell and I worried like mad that I wasn’t bonding with ds1. But then one day it just hit me, and I adored him. I have 2 more dc now and would have loved more. Mine are teenagers now. And they’re completely brilliant. I still don’t feel much for other people’s kids but looking at photos of my one when they were little makes me broody all over again and I never ever expected to feel that

I don't know FluffyPersian? I think at the moment as I am not showing or anything, it all seems a bit unreal. I couldn't terminate, especially after what we went through with the miscarriage. I wouldn't wish for it, no. I would wish for a happy life, just me, DH and our dogs. But I doubt I would have DH as he wants children too badly. Sometimes I get a glimmer of excitement, but it is quickly squashed by the reality of the situation. xx

Thanks Kenworthington. That is really encouraging. I hope I feel differently in 7 months time, I really do. It's just so overwhelming. I am 30 and still feel like a kid myself sometimes!

Look OP we aren't all bump stroking natural earth mothers who love babies. Motherhood is hard in some ways but great in others, there's no black and white. I had my first at 31 bit like you I'd been with DH years and years and kinda felt it was time to get on with it. I don't think it ever sunk in I was having a baby till she was born. I was more 'oh shit' than excited when the line came up.

And y'know they aren't babies for long anyway, they grow into children and then adults so really whether you love babies or not is pretty short term in relevance

In all honesty, I think there are two ways this could go.

Lots of women don't feel especially maternal or drawn to the idea of kids and still make great mothers who love their children. I did. I never saw myself having kids when I was younger and never had any interest in them generally. (Still not that keen on other people's.) But I adore mine and have surprised myself with how well I have adapted to motherhood and how well I enjoy it.

But. There are other people who know in their heart of hearts that they don't want or aren't cut out for kids but go ahead anyway for someone else, and that usually ends badly. (See We Need to Talk About Kevin.) Those people can end up deeply regretting and resenting their choice and it usually kills the relationship too.

I don't know what camp you fall into and maybe you don't either, not yet. If you think you have it in you to give the whole thing a try, then go for it I guess. But if you know deep inside you that it's really not what you want and you are doing it for your DH, I would think very carefully about proceeding, because if you end up hating being a parent it will end up destroying your relationship anyway.

I honestly never cease to be amazed and terrified how much of a leap of faith it is to have a child, no matter how stable and "ideal" your circumstances. It is such a big risk when you don't know whether you will love it or hate it. Most of us do end up in the "love" camp, more or less, but not all.

OP l was like you, didn't want the commitment of babies, didn't wan' t to hold or have anything to do with others dcs, zero interest, zilch.Thought babies and DCs were plain irritating, and pregnancy looked horrible!

At 34 my Dh mentioned we had to decide, trying for Dcs or not, he was relaxed about the outcome......l still felt terrified about the idea of pregnancy and babies, but the thing that changed my mind abruptly, is that one day l was imagining my life at 50 and 60 and my mums then age almost 70.......

I realised that future looked empty without the thought of Dcs and possibly GCs, l realised all the things l was fearful of, loss of independance, inability to just get up and go/change jobs at a moments notice/ travel on a whim/ live in a different country...were things l would not be doing, or want to do for ever.

At 34 l had done all of those things and whilst l still wanted to have an exciting life l realised DCs could enhance it.

Also my DM in her wisdom, said something that changed how l saw motherhood......just do it your way, do it the way that is YOU.

Now l am so very grateful l decided to go ahead despite my reservations, and hating being pregnant, ( both times) as the rest has been pretty amazing and my 2 DCs are my greatest joy. I would turn back the clock to when the eldest were 6 months old and do it again if l could.

This may or may not resonate with you, its just a perspective.

I'm new to these boards but your post resonates with me completely! I am around 5 weeks pregnant but in complete denial and I am struggling to feel positive and happy about my situation :(

To give some background I have never felt maternal and babies scare me if I'm honest! My OH is great with children and has worked in nurseries and a primary school before so I know he will be a natural. I fell pregnant exactly a year ago and found out at about 6 weeks, we were both shocked but decided we wanted to keep the baby. Within 2 weeks I couldn't handle it and just could not get used to the idea of becoming a mum and carrying a baby so we decided to have a termination. It was very sad and at times I did find myself regretting the decision but I put it behind me and promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again until I was sure I wanted to become a parent.

Fast forward to yesterday when I found out I'm pregnant again and i feel exactly the same as I did a year ago. I don't know what is wrong with me it just doesn't feel natural to be pregnant. I feel embarsssed to tell anyone and I avoid talking to my oh about it. I'm going to speak to my doctor and seek counselling as I know I want children deep down but it's just pregnancy that scares me for some reason.

I also had a termination at 17 years old and I wonder if this has had a negative impact on me (I'm now 30).

Anyway I hope that we can help to support each other and like everyone else has said I am sure that once baby is born we will both wonder why we ever felt this way.

Thank you to those who have commented it has spurred me on and helped me to see that I am not the only person who feels like this. X

I have never felt particularly maternal (hubby keen to be a parent!) but we decided we should try as ‘it’s about time’! Not particularly opposed to children but never been overly enthused either! I havent a clue what i’m doing, and I’m just taking every day as it comes (I’m 6wks, first baby). It’s perfectly normal to feel scared, like you won’t measure up, ‘what have I done’ etc. but as my mum says, worrying about things only ends up punishing you twice!

There is no obligation to have kids, and I know plenty of couples who’ve said they don’t want any despite pressure from all and sundry.

Now you are pregnant just try to stay calm, don’t worry about what might happen and things you can’t control. Take small steps and just deal with it a day at a time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, bottling it up will make it far worse, definitely open up to your husband and, if needed, your doctor. Good luck with it all, plenty of us feeling as lost and at sea as you are!

The positive thing with how you feel is you are not blindly envisaging an idyllic set up with a fluffy little newborn. It's quite healthy that you realise the gravity of the situation and the responsibility of what lies ahead!

BUT - relax! It's not as scary as you think. When you have the baby, the staff are on hand to talk you though everything you need to know and then, it just becomes a way of life. I can't relate entirely as I tried to get pregnant and was happy when it happened, but I freaked out the day I found out it was twins. I felt someone had imposed a life on me I hadn't necessarily signed up for. I guess that's how you're feeling now.

But I look back at those panicky times and just think, what did they achieve? Two lovely babies arrived, it was what it was, we muddled through, we still are... but it's the most wonderful journey, honestly! Your child is unique to you and, as PPs have said, not feeling anything towards other people's kids means nothing.

Again brilliant advice and I am trying to stay positive. It's very early days and haven't yet seen the midwife or doctor. The strange thing is I'm dreading telling my parents (not because they will be disaapponted/unhappy) but because they will be sooo happy/excited and I'm just not ready to feel that way yet. Sounds awful I know but I know I'm my own way I'm excited but need some time to let it sink it. Think that's half the battle for me is telling people about it because I feel weird when everyone else is more excited than me!! I'm sure the time will come when I'll feel excited!

Luckyme30 - Sad to hear you are feeling the same way, but also slightly reassuring! Thanks to everyone who has commented. I have my 12 week scan date and while I pray for good news for my
Husbands sake, I’m terrified of the situation becoming more real. We plan to tell my parents a few weeks after the scan (if it’s good news) and I’m the same - not sure how to handle the fact that I don’t feel at all excited. It’s going to be weird!

I understand now that my feelings towards other kids - (who quite frankly I can’t stand) will mean nothing when it’s my own. But I’m still scared about the impact it will have on my/our lives. I do desperately want to enjoy it all and be like all the other mums to be and mums who are just so bloody excited - but the cynic in me just knows I will end up disappointed and it won’t be as wonderful as everyone says it is. Sorry. This is a bit of a brain dump, I’ve not idea what I’m getting at! X

When are you due 30GoingOn13? It is reassuring to know that others feel the same, I think it's more common than we think to be honest with you.

Maybe once you have had the scan you will feel a little more excitement as things may feel more real for you?! I'm hoping that this happens with me. I called my doctor today and explained how I was feeling and he said there was still time to make a decision to end the pregnancy - i am pretty sure I don't want to take that route so that gives me hope that maybe a tiny bit of me feels something towards what's growing inside me.

Good luck for your scan and keep in touch - maybe we can spur each other on :) x

I am due in August Luckyme30, but as I fell so soon after my miscarriage, it is difficult to tell exactly when I am due. I estimate I am 9+5, but that could be completely off - only the scan will tell really. I'm glad that you called your Doctor. I have only confided in one friend about how I am feeling as I feel like it's so awful and people just won't understand, but reading the comments on here it is nice to know I am not alone. That is good that you are not considering termination - that is another big step in itself!

Thank you! I will let you know how I get on. Yes absolutely, please keep in touch and let me know how you are feeling. xx

Hi, just wanted to share my sister’s story with you. She had been with her boyfriend for about 4 years when he started talking about having a baby. My sister was 29 and very career orientales, doing really well in Hong Kong and enjoying her life, travelling loads. Although she didn’t feel ready for it, she wanted to keep him happy and decided to start trying. As most of her friends had struggled to get pregnant, she thought that she may struggle too and by the time she actually got pregnant she would be ready for it. Well, they tried once (literally, just ONE time) and she got pregnant! She was in complete denial for 9 months, saying she may give the baby up for adoption and all sorts of crazy stuff. She was diagnosed with pre-natal depression and her partner was very worried, not knowing how to deal with her and her fears. In the end she had a healthy baby girl and she said that the second the doctors put her on her chest, she was just smitten with her. 7 years later, she also has a 4 year old boy and although she can be a bit impatient with the kids and very relaxed with loads for things regarding the kids, se loves them to bits and is a great mum. :) Hope her story helps you!!

I also never wanted kids, no maternal instinct and worried a baby will have a negative effect on my life, body and marriage. People has been hell and I've felt no excitement. DH is thrilled which makes me feel worse.

However... it took me a while to look past the negatives and appreciate the positives. I've made a new person who'll be a lot like me. Yes he needs looking after but it isn't just a one sided relationship where I have to sacrifice for him. He has to put up with me too, and will probably have to look after me one day. I have to be his mum forever but he has to be my son forever too! I already know I won't be a typical Mum and that's ok. I'll be his Mum and he'll love me regardless. I figure there's a pretty good chance this kid could wind up being the best friend I've ever had. So I'm trying not to worry and just go with the flow. I hope you can do the same!

Pregnancy not People!

If it helps OP i really wanted a baby and it was DH who didn’t but kind of went along with it because he wanted to plesse me.

When i got pregnant i hated it from the moment i found out... i was taken very ill up until about 12 weeks and then i got some abnormal results on the testing... DH really got so excited during me being pregnant and i just had no bond with my baby at all (didn’t want to talk to bump and had very few pictures etc)... but then i had a rediculously traumatic labour and he suddenly arrived and i was screaming let me see him and calling to him as soon as he was out... i forgot all the negative anxious feelings i had whilst pregnant and honestly I’d do it all again in a heartbeat!

If you wern’t worried OP you would be abnormal!