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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant and terrified

37 replies

30GoingOn13 · 12/01/2018 14:43

Hi all. I'm new here and feel like I need to seek some advice. My DH has wanted a baby for years. When we first got together, I also assumed that at some point in my life I would want children, as you do. 8 years later, and I don't think I want children. I decided that for the sake of my marriage, I needed to start trying. I know there are those among you that this will disagree with this, but I love my DH and will do absolutely anything for him; I was scared I would lose him if I didn't. I fell pregnant very quickly last year. My DH was delighted - I had a break down on the way home from the doctors. I was terrified. I refused to talk about it with him or anyone else. It transpired that I miscarried at 6 weeks. It's awful, but I felt like I had a lucky escape. I know how terrible that is; my best friend is just starting her first round of IVF - I should be very grateful to be blessed with this gift that not everyone has the good fortune to have bestowed upon them. It was a terrible ordeal and I was in a lot of pain, but I wasn't sad over the loss, I was just sad for my DH. I fell pregnant again 2 weeks after my miscarriage and I am now 9 weeks along. I'm shi**ing myself - I just know I am going to be a useless Mother. Most of my friends have babies and I have zero interest in them. I don't want to hold them, I don't have any maternal instincts to speak of and I don't really enjoy spending time with my friends any more as they are just consumed with their babies. My life has changed already and I don't even have a baby yet! I am terrified about what having a baby will do to my life and my marriage. I am terrified of it ruining my relationship with my DH. I'm terrified I will hate being a Mum. In short, I'm bricking it. In 7 months time, I am going to be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life and that thought is keeping me up at night. It's too huge to think about, so I am in denial at the moment. I did communicate my feelings to my DH before we started trying, but I don't think he really took it that seriously? I think he just assumes that I will be fine and get the hang of it - but what if I don't? Has anyone else experienced this dread and come out unscathed on the other side? Thanks. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
30GoingOn13 · 19/01/2018 09:26

Thanks for sharing your sisters story Gaby1982. Stories like yours and everyone else who has posted have given me some reassurance that I’m not alone in how I feel! I am certain I will keep the baby - the other is not an option. I just need to find a way to relax and manage it on my own terms when it happens. I’m so nervous about telling people - my Mum, Dad and Mother in Law all know I’m not keen on having kids so god knows what their reaction will be? Just got to take each day as it comes! Thanks all! This thread has been a great support. XX

OP posts:
ED81 · 02/11/2021 11:44

Hi @30GoingOn13,
Realise that this thread is old but wondering how things turned out?
What you say 100% resonates with me.x

Natalia35 · 17/05/2022 21:49

Hi, it's been a few years since you wrote that... Would you mind telling me how you are now please? Have you got a child? Are you happy?

I'm in a similar situation to what you described. Not pregnant yet but have to decide ASAP whether I should try to have kids, when the idea just terrifies me... Please help. Or anyone else who can relate...

prudencepickle · 17/05/2022 22:15

Would love to know how it turned out!! In the same situation as you @Natalia35 - DH has wanted them for years and I'm terrified. I switch between really wanting them and really NOT wanting them. Not maternal at all (apart from towards dogs) and very easily annoyed by kids/babies. Pregnancy looks horrific.

Natalia35 · 17/05/2022 23:35

@prudencepickle thanks for replying! Looks like we're in a similar situation only I'm extremely maternal about cats, not dogs ;-) Pregnancy itself doesn't seem so horrific to me (apart from the last few months/weeks maybe) but giving birth certainly does... So does making the decision what to do, it seems very final... I'm terrified of the idea of feeling horrible panic while already being pregnant, like there's nothing that I can do now cause it's simply too late, like maybe I made the wrong decision etc etc.

Mrsbrooks1 · 18/05/2022 00:06

Natalia35 · 17/05/2022 23:35

@prudencepickle thanks for replying! Looks like we're in a similar situation only I'm extremely maternal about cats, not dogs ;-) Pregnancy itself doesn't seem so horrific to me (apart from the last few months/weeks maybe) but giving birth certainly does... So does making the decision what to do, it seems very final... I'm terrified of the idea of feeling horrible panic while already being pregnant, like there's nothing that I can do now cause it's simply too late, like maybe I made the wrong decision etc etc.

This is exactly how I feel. I’m terrified that I’ll get pregnant then spiral in to a world of panic and anxiety. But I’m also terrified of not having a family and regretting that for the next 40 years. I suppose if we don’t try we’ll never know but there’s quite a few scary threads on here from ladies who ended up terminating due to horrific anxiety 😟 can’t bloody win! X

Angeldelight21 · 18/05/2022 01:58

Hi Op, can I ask how is your relationship with your mum? I'm only asking because same as you I'm not very maternal, never wanted any kids, always was terrified of becoming a bad mum and I think having a bad relationship with my parents plays a role in it.

prudencepickle · 18/05/2022 07:26

@Natalia35 haha I love cats too! It's truly terrifying isn't it. What you've said about panicking in pregnancy is what I know I'll do too - I imagine waking up with night sweats and realising it's not just a dream. But you never know... once it happens it could be totally different. I've been having a few discussions with older colleagues recently, some of whom (all men though) have told me they regret kids and I should just enjoy my life without them. However, they don't seem to have a great relationship with theirs - very hard on the discipline and less so on understanding who their kids actually are. Gosh, birth is just terrifying. I have health anxiety as it is, yet have never been to hospital or had a health problem 😂 birth might send me over the edge!!

@Mrsbrooks1 me too I don't want to regret it when I no longer have the chance!! I also know that my husband will be the most amazing father. Such a tough decision.

prudencepickle · 18/05/2022 07:30

@Angeldelight21 I also have a bad relationship with my mother, wondering if that plays a part. I'm sure it does. I remember her once telling me that she can't wait until I have children so they can ruin my life like I've ruined hers! And she wasn't joking...

cookiemonster2468 · 18/05/2022 08:18

OP sorry to hear about your situation, I really hope that the good advice above is helpful to you and I hope that all goes as well as possible with the pregnancy and baby.

I just wanted to add, have you thought about seeking some therapy or counselling?

I say so because it might be worth thinking about what's driving your behaviours - I don't mean this in a critical way at all, more compassionate - but you went against your own core feelings and belief about something as absolutely huge as getting pregnant, not on one occasion but twice, and that has landed you where you are now. Why do you think you did that?

I know you were worried about your husband leaving you, but bringing a life into the world that you didn't really want to and committing to 18 years of child-rearing is a very extreme thing to do to please your husband.

It seems like that is something that you could really do to unpick with a therapist, so that whatever is driving those thoughts/ behavious doesn't keep affecting you for the rest of your life.

Angeldelight21 · 18/05/2022 08:24

@prudencepickle when I reached my mid 30s I decided to have a baby just because of the biological clock. I was still scared of becoming a bad mum but my husband is wonderful so I knew at least she will have a good dad.

I had a difficult pregnancy, birth and developed Pnd. The perinatal team was wonderful and helped me bonding with the baby and clear my head. She is 4 months old now is our world. Maybe my mum doesn't love me but I will do the exact opposite what she did.

Please talk to your husband about your feelings and seek professional help. You will be a wonderful mum Xx

prudencepickle · 19/05/2022 09:53

@Angeldelight21 this is such a lovely and heartening message! Thank you for sharing. I'm pretty much in exactly the same position. Determined to give my children the relationship I didn't have! Therapy and being open with my husband is a great place to start I think 😊

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