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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Meddling mother in laws!

63 replies

toxitears181 · 09/01/2018 08:38

Hey ladies I'm 12 weeks pregnant and going for my dating scan tomorrow, my mother in law has been buying baby things like prams, cots etc even though I've told her I want to make sure baby is ok first ! But she won't listen and she's texting me constantly asking what about this do you want me buy you that and it's got to the point were I have nothing left to buy my little one. I am grateful don't get me wrong but surely there is a line were enough is enough? Also my mum feels left out as she's not had a single chance to. buy anything because my mother in law has brought it all already 😫 am I overreacting? Would love to know others opinions. No hate please x x

OP posts:

Pugsleypugs · 10/01/2018 20:30

If I were you, if ask mumsnet to remove your scan pic post as we can see your details.

That aside, you need to somehow stop your MIL as she will only get worse. It should be your DH who tackles her, as it's his own mother, so sit him down again and explain how she's taking the joy away from you.

MILwatch · 10/01/2018 20:40

I was worried that my MIL would be like this and to be fair, she has been much better than expected. My main worry was that historically my DH has been exactly like yours - he thinks that his mother should be pandered to. I think your DH needs to grasp that the question here is not "Shall I offend my mother or not?" it's "Shall I upset my mother about her grandchild or upset my pregnant wife about her first child?"

I'm not sure what changed in my DH but he seems to get this now, and to get that as my DH he needs to put me first, especially now.

Congratulations on your scan!

K9pal7 · 10/01/2018 22:09

Congratulations! Glad everything is okay with your baby 👶 hope everything changes with your mother inlaw soon before things get worst

travailtotravel · 10/01/2018 22:15

Accept it all. Sell it. Buy what you want. If your dh gets arsey tell him you've taken his advice on board and not upset his mother. But that this is your child, not hers.

Kitcat159 · 10/01/2018 22:51

Totally sympathize! I'm in the same position. My first, mil's 6th, I'm 12 weeks and have my scan in 2 days.
Mil is buying things on eBay and bootsales for us but it's stuff we don't want or need. She's not telling us till after she has bought it so we now have to kinda find room for it so we don't offend her.

itshappening · 11/01/2018 01:43

I can't believe there are people who would make choices on all this without asking the actual parents to be to choose the item or at least give them the go ahead to choose it. Also really surprised at people buying things so early on! Your MIL may be excited OP but her inability to behave appropriately or think of your feelings is in no way explained by excitement. Many grandparents to be are excited but would never do these things.

EggsonHeads · 11/01/2018 02:15

You need to start practicing keeping her at arms length now. Your husband is clearly going to be of no help to you. Minimise the time that you spend with her. If she offers you something, anythingjust always say no thank you. NEVER ask her for advice. If she gives you unsolicited advice just tell her that you were planning on doing something else. Don't engage in discussion with her and just shrug your shoulders instead and say I don't have time. I'd rather not. We don't need it thank you. I've already made my mind up. If your DH gets arsey tell him it's his fault for not dealing with it. It left you with no option but to be a bit rude. The cardinal rule in marriage is that each partner deals with their own parents to a lidstadoffs with in laws. He's not pulling his weight so you just do what you have to do. If not she will be dictating to you every little thing re your baby's upbringing. I would know, my in laws even tried to tell me what to eat while breastfeeding! I just said ok and didn't change my eating habits and my husband always backed me up. Now eveything is fine and everyone is quite good at not overstepping boundaries.

Soon2bemum2017 · 11/01/2018 05:04

I think there are a few issues here:

you are being unreasonable to be so ungrateful you think she is stealing your glory! A lot of women had to struggle their way through pregnancies with no money to buy those things therefore MIL could be thinking you are saying no to be polite and suffering in silence. Babys can cost ALOT when you get lots of different things for them

if she is buying things you don’t need just talk to her like a human being explain that the pram is a kind gesture but actually this is the pram you had thought of and its the one you would like take her to go view it etc and i’m sure she’ll swap the one she has got or heck she’ll just buy the one you want!

if she gets bottles, steriliser, perfect prep etc good on her honestly it’ll be a godsend if you stay the night or are there for the day

have a gentle chat with her yourself continuing that your parents would like to buy x items for the baby and as she has been so generous already it is only fair for them to have a go too! But remind your parents they can do great things too like open up a trust fund, pay for the nursery you will eventually need to be decorated for the baby etc all these things will help too!

Lastly in the kindest possible way having stuff already is in no way shape or form going to effect the outcome of your pregnancy, MIL must just keep everything at hers until you feel ready to move it over as god forbid something did happen then she can deal with the stuff not you.

But enjoy your first pregnancy and soend your money on things like Yoga, NCT, Pregnancy Massages every other week... those luxuries are not available to many and dreamed for by some! You are lucky enough to have a MIL footing the big bills so you can afford to take care of yourself

TakeitEasy23 · 11/01/2018 05:30

oh wow. you are so not overreacting. my mother in law didn't even come to our wedding and is hopeless towards me. i dont want her to get my baby anything as she is so negative and volatile.
this is your baby and its special when you go and get your baby things you have selected for him/her. its very sad that your mum is missing out. i'd return some of the stuff she has gotten or tell her to return it. your husband needs to put his foot down.
i come from a culture where the mother in law has no right over the birthing process. the girl goes to her mother's house for her whole pregnancy or third trimester. the logic behind it is that no one will look after a pregnant woman as good as her own mother. also, the pregnant woman goes through so much physically and emotionally. it is a special time where she can appreciate her mother's experiences whilst she was in her womb. sharing of these stories between mother and daughter builds the confidence in the daughter. the mother is important in preparing the daughter for childbirth. i guess due to genes etc. my MIL is under the impression that childbirth follows the way it happened for the mother in law...... that just doesn't make much scientific sense to me. anyway, all the best. you are so patient. 12 weeks is super early!

TakeitEasy23 · 11/01/2018 05:33

also, every mother in law is different. however, if i allowed mine to do what yours is doing, she would never let me forget she bought all those things and would try to eliminate me from her family... my bub, her boy and her.
I dont get the best vibe based on what you have said though. Because who is so obnoxious that they overlook the rights of their DIL and her mum? Its a special moment for all of you..especially you...

Maria19711990 · 04/09/2018 23:21

My mother in law always wants to compete with me!! First with my husband than my children and now my granddaughter. I can’t take it anymore!!! Because she help us financially (she offers without us asking) she thinks she has the right to control everything. Please give me some advice

Daisy2990 · 05/09/2018 15:32

Hi, my mum does this and we were grateful for some things but in other ways we have been overwhelmed. Her thing is clothes... sometimes we get 7+ pairs of similar trousers at the same time. Other relatives bought us tons and tons of baby clothes; I think if DS had worn a new outfit every other day, we may still have not got through them.
The best tactic I have found is a reason not to take them home with you: no thanks we don't have space, the cat will sit in the pram and might spoil it, I have X, Y, Z already and don't have space to store two.
This will limit the purchases because she's the one tripping over the stuff, not you. It will also annoy you less if it's not in your space.
Get your own stuff and if she asks say -- oh I thought all the stuff you are buying is staying at your house for when we visit?
My parents go kind of nuts and buy all kinds of things they don't really need... like a pushchair just for their house when they are too old to walk anywhere.
Unfortunately money and control is linked with some people and you have to be quite firm in limiting the encroachment of "stuff" into your home. Ultimately she can buy what she likes (in a way it's nice she's excited etc etc), but you don't necessarily have to fall over it every day

cheesefield · 05/09/2018 15:50

ZOMBIE THREAD

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