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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

To find out the sex or to not find out the sex? HELP

50 replies

lizzyttc2017 · 22/12/2017 22:05

help!
Ive always said I would like to keep babies gender as a surprise because thats what my brother did and it was a lovely surprise when they announced the day she was born. Now that my scan is so close I am in two minds! My partner says he is easy either way but I think he kind of would rather know and I'm so torn. I want to know because it is a piece of information about the baby I am growing and I am so curious but on the other hand Im worried Ill miss out on a really special experience on the day and spoil the big surprise for family!

what are your experiences?

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Justmuddlingalong · 22/12/2017 22:07

3 DSs. Never asked, always surprised and never disappointed. It's a personal decision though.

twinone · 22/12/2017 22:08

Surprise with first, nurse let slip second one after amnio.
For me, that moment at birth when finding out the sex was priceless.
Second time was rather an anti climax.

sausagerollsrock · 22/12/2017 22:09

We are waiting to find out. I'm slightly, very slightly, tempted to find out but I'd actually rather find out once baby is here. I like the suspense and I feel it's nice to say to everyone we've got a boy/girl once they are here.

TheLegendOfBeans · 22/12/2017 22:12

In my personal experience I felt it allowed me to bond with my baby whilst pregnant, to see the baby as “him” or “her” instead of “it”.

But it’s a verrrrrrry personal thing. Plus I am a curious (nosey) person by nature

userabcname · 22/12/2017 22:16

I had to find out at 20w scan - I couldn't wait! I think if I have a second, I'll be more relaxed about it and probably will leave it as a surprise. Or maybe I'll be exactly the same and dying to know - as a pp said, it's a personal choice!

MountainVista · 22/12/2017 22:18

I was happy to know, it always felt a bit artificial not to, given how detailed scans are. I think it also helps to adjust to reality of the little person you are carrying. And while you'll of course be delighted either way, if you have a deep buried or subconscious preference for either sex it gives you time to work that through.

The final advantage I think is in naming. you'll be thinking of DS and DD options if you don't find out, but I think there is a difference between listing names you like and ' trying them on' when you know what you're happening. Less likely to end up with a twee name because you were thinking about 'a baby girl', for example, because you've had time to really think about 'my daughter' instead.

(My DH thinks the name theory is bollocks btw )

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 22/12/2017 22:19

You don't get many true surprises in life that's why I didn't find out 😀

dinosaurkisses · 22/12/2017 22:19

I always admire people who can wait for the surprise- I was busting to find out as soon as possible!

We found out with DD and it was great for us- we finalised her name, started chatting to her and being able to visualise an actual real person- it just made it seem all a bit more real!

I had a very long birth with her and to be honest i was so exhausted the midwife could have told me I'd given birth to a taco and I wouldn't have cared- I wouldn't have got the same rush as I did when we found out at the scan.

If you're in two minds I'd say don't find out and if you decide you really want to know then you can organise a private scan fairly cheaply.

SillyBub · 22/12/2017 22:21

Didn't find out with either. Bloody loved that moment with DC1 when, in a water birth, I pulled him up and saw he was a DS. DC2, a slightly dramatic birth, but still got to see the sex for myself. A very unexpected DD.

I get why people find out but you could not have persuaded me to do so for a million pounds. Utterly magical moments.

winterwonderlandy · 22/12/2017 22:27

In my experience, i'm glad I didn't find out the sex with either of my children. There was something special about finding out once I gave birth and me and my husband having that moment of 'wow it's a girl/boy'. With my first, I was so glad the birth was actually over that I forgot to ask at first, and with my second it was hardly even out and I remember shouting 'is it a girl or a boy?' And the midwife was saying 'hang on a minute, I don't know yet!'

It's a personal decision though, I considered finding out with the second, so I could either get the girls clothes out again, or start buying a few things for boys, but in the end we decided that it's nice to have a surprise. My husband finds that hilarious though as a usually hate surprises generally!

Beakyplinders · 22/12/2017 22:34

I'm waiting to find out (currently 30 weeks) and I'm so glad we are having a surprise despite not being sure at the beginning. I've nothing to compare it with as this is my first but it's been so lovely seeing and hearing the reactions from people when I've said we don't know what sex we are having.

Winenight · 22/12/2017 22:34

We’ve decided not to find out. I know it’s rare but you do hear about it being wrong and we thought it would be better not to know than to be thinking it’s a boy/girl and then being completely wrong!

It’s more fun guessing too, and other people get involved in speculating. Plus I really like the grey/cream/white gender neutral clothes.

Also I want DH to tell me what we’ve had when the baby arrives.

Imsorrynow · 22/12/2017 22:38

Personally - no, the most lovely surprise on each occasion. Three gorgeous boys.
But ultimately it’s your decision. There’s no right or wrong whatever you decide.

MeadowHay · 22/12/2017 22:49

We are not going to find out. My DM didn't find out pre-birth with any of us, I want to limit pre-concieved fantasies about the unborn child that are consciously or subconciously based entirely on their sexual organs, and I want to try and reduce the amount of stuff that we buy and that is given to us that is super gendered. Obviously I'm not saying if it's a girl they won't be allowed to wear pink or anything ridiculous and I appreciate people will still buy gendered stuff but this is one way of at least reducing that a bit, if for no other reason than the fact that we are intending to have at least one more in the future so the more gender-neutral stuff we have the more that can be reused for the next one!

But it's a personal choice and I can see why people would rather find out earlier. I am curious but I definitely want to wait and just see what happens.

keepingbees · 22/12/2017 23:05

My personal experience:

First baby I was sure I knew the sex from early on and was desperate to know if I was right (I was). It was lovely finding out and very exciting.

Second baby I had no clue either way. I wanted a surprise but DH wanted to find out, which we did. Was delighted, but felt a bit sad that the surprise was over as it had been fun guessing with no idea either way, and wished we had waited.

Third baby, decided to not find out. Felt very odd leaving the 20 week scan not knowing, not being able to choose clothes and names. Everyone told me it's wonderful having a big surprise at the birth but personally when she was born I was so wrapped up in the moment, and being passed my new baby that I didn't even think to look at what she was, so it was kind of lost in the moment.

GottaBeStrong · 22/12/2017 23:10

I am going to find out as for me it is another way for DP and I to bond with the baby before he/she arrives. I also have a hunch and want to know if I am right. I had always thought I would rather wait and be surprised and now I am pregnant I have changed my mind.

eastlondoner · 22/12/2017 23:19

I absolutely loved finding out at the 20 week scan!

Littlelambpeep · 22/12/2017 23:22

Kept it as a surprise both times and was tempted but very glad. I think, like the poster above said - it is the last true surprise.

SaturndayNight · 22/12/2017 23:27

You don't get many true surprises in life that's why I didn't find out

I entirely don't understand what people mean when they say this.

SaturndayNight · 22/12/2017 23:28

Surely it's a surprise whenever you find out?

PinkAvocado · 22/12/2017 23:33

We did because neither of us liked saying ‘it’, you get a surprise whenever you find out, it’s not really much of a surprise as it’s one or the other, it felt odd not to given that we could and the sonographer knew, we wanted to start thinking of our son or daughter by name.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 22/12/2017 23:33

My personal experience. I found out with my first two but not my third. I always wanted to find out, dh never did. I had my way the first two times and promised with our third we would wait so did. Don't get me wrong, finding out on the day was amazing, especially as dh was the one to tell me....otherwise...hated it haha! We aren't having more but if it was ever to happen I'd 100% find out. I just hated not knowing, not being able to say he/she, I'm not a big fan of a lot of the unisex clothes so hated that aspect. It just wasn't for me. Some people much prefer to wait though, dh loved it

DappledThings · 23/12/2017 02:48

With first one we both definitely didn't want to find out. With this one we were more in two minds. Got as far as the waiting room and realised we hadn't decided so we tossed a coin. The coin said find out but we then both realised we definitely didn't want to. Sometimes a coin toss just allows you to see what you really want.

Should find out in a few hours!

sthitch · 23/12/2017 07:40

We didn’t find out and I’m so glad - I had quite a dramatic birth and it helped not just having a baby to meet but to also find out what we were having.

Saying that, it took a few minutes to find out what we had while they brought her around but it was lovely finding out there.

I think it made my pregnancy more fun as well because of the guessing/my DH was convinced I’d have a boy and I thought a girl so it was a bit of fun guessing.

Lamaitresse · 23/12/2017 09:14

For our first we didn’t find out - I was so sure it was a boy but either way we would have been happy. It was really lovely to find out when he was born.
For our second baby I wanted to know but dh didn’t - I ended up saying that I wouldn’t find out, but at a scan I had at around 26 weeks there was no mistaking that it was a girl! I tried so hard not to think about it, but when you see a female reproductive system on the screen, ovaries & everything, it’s a bit difficult to try to ignore it! I didn’t say anything, to either the doctor or dh, and was eaten up by uncertainty over the next 3 weeks until the next scan. Was told by a medical friend that you can’t see the reproductive system of an unborn baby on a scan, so I thought I was going mad!! Had to ask the doctor as was driving myself mad, and sure enough it was a girl!
Dh then decided he did want to know, even though I could have kept the secret, but we kept it between ourselves until Christmas Day when ds announced it to our families. We only told close friends after that, and when dd was born in Jan it was still lovely being able to announce that we’d had a little girl.
Could you two find out, but then not say anything to anyone else? With dd it really helped us as we couldn’t decide on a boys name but we already knew what the girls name would be, so it stopped us arguing 😂 It was lovely keeping the secret from people - we didn’t lie directly to the questions, just avoided answering directly 😆
Enjoy finding out - whenever you do will be wonderful 💕

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