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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender shock

53 replies

Lotsalotsagiggles · 21/12/2017 22:49

Hey

Had my 21 week scan today and gender was a complete shock

Had my hurt set on a girl and girls run through the family so wasn't at all expecting it to be a boy

I had names and nursery etc planned and now feel so incredibly guilty that I feel so disappointed

Please tell me it passes? I'll of course love my child, just need to get head around it being different to what I've dreamt of

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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SisterMoonshine · 22/12/2017 00:00

If I had a preference I wouldn't want to find out at the scan.
Because as soon as you see your baby for the first time you will love them no matter. Saves you having to live with any disappointment for any amount of time.

Stroller15 · 22/12/2017 00:07

OP I felt the same when I found out I was having a boy - coming from a family of only sisters I didn't know what boys even do. Now, a year later, I love my little boy and wouldn't want it any other way.
It really passes. Congratulations on your baby!!

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/12/2017 01:19

It's the wording in the OP - 'complete shock' and 'heart set on', as if she went online to order, and then the stork delivered the wrong one.

I can full appreciate that some people very much hope for one sex over the other and are disappointed when they don't get what they hoped for. But to be shocked?

happymummy12345 · 22/12/2017 01:42

I'll be honest op, I really wanted a girl (1st baby). I'd never ever find out the sex until the birth (just not something I'd ever want to do personally). But 2 friends of ours both knew they were expecting girls (we were all pregnant at the same time, I was due first).
I hoped for a girl so bad. Of course I knew it may be a boy. We had a boy.
I won't lie, when the midwife said "it's a boy", the first thing I felt was disappointment. Then when our friends girls were born, I felt like that should have been me with a daughter not a son.
But trust me it passes. I love my little man more than I ever thought possible and now I wouldn't change him for the world. Yes I still I hate myself for feeling that way. But I don't think it makes me a bad person or bad parent.
I'm sure when your son is here you will be so happy and proud.
(And tbf you must have known there was a chance you'd have a boy, like I did).

SlB09 · 22/12/2017 01:47

Same here, I was really disappointed and felt crap for feeling that but 14 weeks in honestly I couldnt be happier and wouldnt want a girl now! Honestly you will get over it before hes even here and your vision of the future will change xx

gluteustothemaximus · 22/12/2017 01:48

It’s up to you how you handle it.

I had a shock too. Expected a girl, scan revealed boy. I was really unhappy. I couldn’t help it.

But I had 4 months to come around, and he was just amazing when he arrived.

It will pass.

ClareB83 · 22/12/2017 04:57

This is a really common reaction. Don't let anyone make you feel worse about it. But from everything I've read on similar posts you will get over it and love your DS just as much as any DD. 💙

Piewraith · 22/12/2017 05:09

I'm having a boy and would have preferred a girl, but anyway that's life. What can you do?

I'm not convinced everyone does get over it as since I've told people the sex of my baby, three female colleagues have told me they still wish they had a girl, and their dc are aged 20-25.

Firstchild7 · 22/12/2017 05:16

I think in a few days it wont even matter I thought I was having a boy tbh the found out was a girl was abit shocked but happy then like a day later felt like I always knew she was a girl (which I didn't)

RaeSkywalker · 22/12/2017 05:33

I don’t mean this harshly- but I think you just need to focus on the fact that you’re having a child, and have no other expectations or preconceptions. It sounds like you have set ideas of what parenting each sex is like- but they’re all different. Even if you had a girl, you might not get the ‘ideal’ picture you’ve been imagining.

I have a 1 year old DS. He is the absolute light of my life- I’m head over heels in love with him. But again, they’re all so different, and part of the joy of parenting for me is finding out about him- what he likes doing. Which isn’t always stereotypical ‘boy’ stuff anyway.

BigBaboonBum · 22/12/2017 06:54

Gender disappointment is normal but you’ll be glad to hear that in sane people it’s incredibly brief!
I knew it was a thing already but I had the opposite reaction the other week. I have two boys already and when I found out I’m having a third boy I was so relieved that I felt incredibly guilty and silly, as I didn’t even know I wanted another boy until she confirmed it?! I remember I cried and said “oh my god, another little man” squeezed my OHs hand and said thank you?!!! It was a completely spontaneous reaction and I felt bad about how happy I felt over something as silly as a baby’s sex...
HOWEVER, I think this just stems from the fact I know I’m a good mum to boys and I love my boys more than words could explain, so I think there’s just some subconscious need for the same love I have already, but I know realistically I’d love a girl just the same! I think a part of my brain just wants to replicate what I already have??? Lol.
I think that’s the case with people who want either a boy or girl (unless it’s because of something silly like you want to buy dresses or play football etc, as you can do that with either), I think that part of us just see a relationship or have a relationship and just want to replicate it and don’t realise that it has absolutely nothing to do with sex anyway!

ANYWAYS, sorry for rambling but it’s early! Congratulations on your baby boy!!

BigBaboonBum · 22/12/2017 06:56

And as a PP said, you’ll find unless forced on them that stereotypical boy/girl stuff honestly doesn’t even exist. My boys have gone from liking trucks to fairies to princesses to knights and castles to playing dress up to Lego to... you get the point!

Scorbus · 22/12/2017 07:10

@confundled

Yes of course I know that but I also have been part of a Professor Robert Winston study into fertility and our family (on the maternal line) reject male sperm and have a high instance of miscarriage of male foetuses. So sorry if I trust the expert in this field rather than a random on the Internet.

My cousin had a real shock with her carrying her son. She is the only one to have IVF so the hormone injections involved in the egg harvest probably made a difference.

The simple fact is for the rest of us we knew that we’d be having girls, there was no question of anything else due to the hostile environment factor.

PineappleTits · 22/12/2017 07:24

DS is (obviously) a boy. Oh my god, he's the absolute love of my life! He brings me joy every single day.

@blue2014 what a gorgeous comment

TheSameCoin · 22/12/2017 07:28

A lot of people assume that people have a preference for one sex or another for shallow reasons (‘oh you want a girl so you can dress her up like a princess’) but that’s not necessarily true. People may have very good reasons for desiring a boy or girl that have nothing to do with clothing. Pregnancy can be a stressful time anyway but it can also be time when psychological issues come up. A friend of mine was desperate for a girl and became very upset when told she was expecting a boy. Her midwife referred her for counselling and it turned out that at the root of it was the fact that she’d been sexually abused and that she was terrified that if she had a boy he might turn out to be an abuser too. She had lots of therapy to deal with her issues and is now a great mum to her son. So it’s a good thing her MW didn’t just tell her to stop being daft and focus on her healthy baby, isn’t it?

tinypop4 · 22/12/2017 07:38

I am surprised that you are surprised. As I'm sure you're aware you have a 50 percent chance either way so it was a bit silly to start choosing names for a girl.
I'm sure your little boy will be totally gorgeous. I have a girl and a boy and I can confirm that they are both the apples of my eye regardless of their sexes.

excitedforxmas17 · 22/12/2017 08:16

I was also convinced I was having a girl, and disappointed for a few days when we found out it was a boy.

Wouldn't change that now though, and I loved him from the moment he arrived.

I believe we get what we are meant to have. Having a boy suits me :)

glow1984 · 22/12/2017 08:20

My family is mostly women too, but I was super excited to have a boy and he is the most wonderful little boy in the world (I am biased though lol)

To be blunt though, you need to get over it.

shhhfastasleep · 22/12/2017 08:22

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1stX · 22/12/2017 08:31

We had it in our head that we were having a girl. DP said he wanted a girl and we’d even picked a name. But when DS willy windmilled us at the 20 week scan I can’t say it was a disappointment. It was exciting to go through all of the name picking and planning again. DP seemed happy to and almost immediately painted the nursery blue and started talking excitedly about all of the blokey things they can do together. I don’t know if your disappointed will fade, it’s down to your personality I guess.

ememem84 · 22/12/2017 08:47

@blue2014 so lovely! I was convinced ds was going to be a girl. We found out at 20 week scan. Up until the scan I’d have bet everything I had that it was a girl. But nope.

Ds is now 3 months old and is absolutely the love of my life. He is just the most absolutely best thing to have ever happened to us. and he’s super cute

Bellamuerte · 22/12/2017 09:47

I was expecting a girl and cried all day when I found out I was having a boy. I couldn't see myself attending football matches when I hate football and would prefer to attend ballet classes. I wanted to style long hair and buy pretty dresses instead of shopping for boring boy's clothes, and I wanted a grown up daughter to be friends and go shopping with. Perhaps there was also an element of wanting to relive my own childhood through having a daughter.

DH pointed out that having a girl doesn't guarantee anything - DS might not like football and might actually want to do ballet. He could be gay and end up being more feminine than a tomboy girl would be. A daughter might want to play football and not wear makeup. Or I could have a child of either gender who turns out to be transgender. There are so many unknowns at this stage - you just have to accept the child you've been given and get to know them without imposing your own ideas of what they should be like.

Rebeccaslicker · 22/12/2017 11:09

It's understandable to have ideas in your head about what it will be like. But you do need to realise that's all they are. Your baby doesn't know any of it - he will just know that you are his world.

Its important to remember that a child is no guarantee of anything. You might not get on with a daughter. She might be like my niece - always wanted to be a boy, cut her hair short from being 8, wore a tux to her prom, now lives as a man...

You have a healthy baby and you will love him to pieces. But you won't be able to rely on him fulfilling any of your prior expectations, so try and drop them all!

Daisy91 · 22/12/2017 11:36

I think everyone has a different journey, of course we all want healthy babies but it’s reasonable to have a preference on whether you have a girl or boy.

It’s always been a dream for me to have a daughter, I’d love a boy too but I can understand the disappointment. In my head it’s a ‘girl’ but I’ll be excited either way when we find out.

Congratulations on your baby boy, you will embrace it. Pick out news names etc. Little boy clothes are gorgeous too :) x

chickennuggetsandicecream · 22/12/2017 11:42

It doesn't matter if girls run in the family the males sperm is the one who decides the gender. When I was pregnant all my symptoms pointed towards a boy but it was a little girl who was on the scan and I love her more than anything even though my partner wanted a boy ( I think every man does) he loves her so much just be grateful she is healthy some people are not that lucky to have a healthy baby let alone conceive

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