Anyone else struggling with their own experiences of being parented?

[Herewegoagainagain]

Just wondering if this is a natural thing during pregnancy! Grew up with a narcissistic and emotionally abusive mother and thought I had accepted and dealt with my feelings around that.

I'm finding it very hard to see her now - probably because I can't imagine behaving towards my child the way she behaved towards us - and am keeping her at arms' length. She is responding to this as expected by trying to force contact and assert her 'authority' as she sees it.

Anyone else experiencing something similar during pregnancy?

Yes. Thought I’d dealt with my issues (shut them away) and went no contact with my witch of a mother.

When pregnant it did come back and struggled if I’m honest for a while and still think about it at times. I missed my father (they are still married) so got back in touch and have such an amazing relationship with my daughter I think the tables have turned and she now appreciates how badly she messed up. (We have never discussed it as I’m too angry and it would all come piling out)

I’m the only one of three still in contact. I wrongly or rightly take delight in it, she seems jealous.

If it helps she taught me how to be a good mother by showing me what a bad one was. She was also violent as well as verbally and restricted food. You’ll be fine, you’re are better than your mother already by thinking about it.

My mother was awful growing up, I had a truly awful childhood that I still struggle with today, but now I know she was suffering from mental illness and I don’t hold it against her but it doesn’t make my memories any less painful. She’s an absolutely wonderful grandmother and human now, The polar opposite of who she was... i couldn’t ask for anybody better ... but it takes a lot of forgiveness on your part. As PP said I learned a lot about how to be a good mother from how terrible she used to be.
However if your mother is still horrible then I don’t blame you for not wanting any part in it, I’d just walk away entirely because she sounds like a bully. She has no rights over you and if she ever tried to forcefully see your child through courts you can explain her abuse and she would have no chance.

Thanks @Ginorchoc and @BigBaboonBum - I really appreciate you sharing your experiences!

She's sadly in the early stages of Alzheimer's now so that has actually caused her to become a lot more aggressive - physically and verbally - than she has been in years. It's also brought a different dynamic to the situation. My Dad, who is lovely, has always thought the best approach was to humour her to try and keep her calm and happy (pre illness) so she's very used to getting her own way. I myself have made her my main priority since her diagnosis a few years ago but I'm finding it all very hard now.

I haven’t spoken to my father in years. He’s a bully who always puts himself first and puts others down to make himself feel better. For my own mental health I had to cut him out of my life. I tried hard to talk to him about how I felt but to him it was my problem not his.

I haven’t thought about him much until I became pregnant. As much as it still hurts me I can’t see him being any different towards my son so I’m not keen to build bridges.

Sounds stupid but the night before I found out I was expecting I had a dream where I told him that he would never see my child.( I must have worked out I was cheggers on some unconscious level)

He doesn’t contact me anymore but makes passive aggressive comments to my DB about how bad of a person I am. I feel more guilty that DB is caught in the middle.

Like PP said I’m just learning from the mistakes he made and hoping I can be a better parent because of it x

@1stX really interesting you had a dream about it. That's very true - to him it's your problem. To my mother, it was always us who had made up and imagined stuff.

Really thought I'd dealt with all this so it's reassuring to know pregnancy can bring stuff up again.

I've had to break contact with my mother - a narcissistic mother will be a narcissistic grandmother and I didn't want my children to go through the hell my mother has with me. She constantly undermined me with my boys and was trying to turn my own DC against me so they favoured her. Be cautious OP

Thanks @MummyBtothree - I am anxious about that. She has already made a few remarks about it being "her" baby.

Yes absolutely.

My mother wasn’t as bad as some PP. it’s more like she was a bit neglectful, and put her needs and relationships before us. She’s quite uninvolved in ours lives but has good intentions.

For example- she barely spoke to me when I was at uni and didn’t help emotionally or financially. We had to live in an extremely disfunctional step family and it was just awful. She didn’t get involved in or excited about my wedding and it hurt. But she wasn’t abusive or anything.

If anything though it’s taught me that I want to be more attentive/ caring with my own child and give them opportunities I never had. I also would never get into a bad ‘step’ type family situation and really value a traditional family unit and stability. :)

@Daisy91 I'm going to be a single parent so am concerned about any future step-family situations too! Although it was a traditional family set-up I grew up in that was very unstable.

Think I'm doubting myself about everything at the moment!

I've found feelings of disappointment, anger and sadness about my childhood well up whenever I'm pregnant. I found seeing a good psychologist really useful, but they still flared up when I was pregnant again.

I think a mix of pregnancy hormones, feeling more vulnerable myself whilst heavily pregnant, planning for parenthood and having more free time to ruminate on mat leave.

I can't understand how my parents were so unconcerned about my emotional health and wellbeing, I really can't. I spoke to them, which helped me feel better to have said it out loud, but I don't think they can understand it. They just don't have an understanding about psychological/ emotional stuff, they seem to have either not developed it or repressed it!

But after baby was born I did reflect that parenting is hard, especially when you had a bad childhood yourself (as at least one of my parents did). I won't forgive them for not trying harder to break that cycle, but I can understand a bit why parenting wasn't easy for them.

If you haven't already, I found seeing a good psychologist really helpful to talk all this through.

Do take some distance from your mum if seeing her upsets you. I didn't want my Kids to see me tense and upset. When they were older I chose to re-initiate contact, it worked better by then.

Herewegoagain I think just the fact you’re wary about it means you’ll be an excellent Mum. I don’t think my Mum considered us at all really. For me it was bad on both sides- evil step mother and horrible step father! Plus two disconnected parents. Just a mess all round. Most step families aren’t like that though I’m sure. And you get to choose who is in you little ones life :) x

Hey my mum was diagnosed narcissistic and personality disorder. Very controlling childhood, emotionally and psychologically abusive and I managed to break away from her after the birth of my first child. It was a hard decision but the best I've ever made. I've had no contact for 10 years and my DDs don't know her. They know my mum is ill mentally and I've explained that gently to them... She doesn't understand that she can hurt people by lying etc.. I found that I have to put my DDs first so my mum doesn't manipulated them as I was..
X

@HopelesslydevotedtoGu I have been going for counselling so it's helping to have that support and also to talk through taking some space.

Because I'm going to be a single mum it'd be great to have the support of my dad and brother, but it seems the detrimental effects of being around my mother could take their toll on me.

@Hulaballoo Was there something in particular that made you decide to go NC? Or was it a build up?

I didn’t experience the same in pregnancy but i did as soon as my baby was born. Like many new mums I felt very vulnerable and I couldn’t bear for my amazing, beautiful and innocent baby to be around such a narcissistic unpleasant woman. It was the trigger for me to go no contact as I did not want my little one to be around such. I should also say that this did also lead to some pretty horrendous anxiety which I think may have bordered on post natal depression. I don’t want to scare you but just be sensitive to the fact that these feelings that you are experiencing now may intensify once your baby is here. I’m hindsight I should have been more open with my health visitor, doctor, friends and my counsellor so that I had a really strong support network around me to prevent getting to that place but it was a confusing and upsetting time. Because I Didnt i spent quite a few months in the dark as it were which had a profound impact on me. My baby is now 3 and I have come out the other side and am expecting baby number two. I did some profound healing following the birth of my first child which has made me a much stronger person for it. Feel free to PM me if you want any further insight. Your post really resonated with me and I hope this period of reflection stands you in really good place for when your little baby is born. 💐

@Chocness Thank you. You've put it really well and it is indeed a period of reflection for me. I had a very strong reaction when I saw my mother holding my cousin's new baby boy recently - it was hard to see someone so unpleasant with a little, innocent, amazing new person

That’s what I was like with my son. I had a panic feeling that washed over me whenever she held him. I now see that it was because I had such a strong distrust of her that I was panicking she would do something to hurt my baby. Not necessarily physically hurt him but mentally so as that is what she did to me and my siblings. It was one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have ever experienced and I hated it when she did it and felt quite helpless. Now I am NC with her I’m a much better person and mother for it.

I have the mother in law from hell.

Whatever I do is wrong.

She started potty training our daughter cause we wanted to wait til she was slightly older, she forces her will on us when we do something different to her. She doesn't enforce our rules on our daughter at her house and we have to deal with toddle4 being confused.

She even threatened social work on me as I couldn't afford and didn't have any baby clubs around our area and has threatened me with court if I try to cut her out (she did a massive hurtful thing trust wise two years ago).

This pregnancy if all is ok I'm not letting her near us until she gets the idea she's third in line.

@gryffen definitely sounds like keeping her at arms' length is advisable.

I'm going to use the next few weeks to see how I feel and will make a call then on whether contact is too stressful for me. Finding it tough going at the moment.

Herewegoagain - totally get that stress and YOU are most important at this time and health comes first.

Doesn't help Hubby is playing switzerland which I understand but won't speak up for me (MIL waits until she's alone with him them backstabs me).

Least I know she has the same answering service as hell.

@Daisy91 our mothers are definitely cut from the same cloth! often I just ask myself 'what would my mother do?' ....and then do the complete opposite

@Herewegoagainagain for me it was a build up.... Then one of her actions triggered a massive wake up call. I started to reflect on my childhood, my relationship with her, I wrote her a letter and laid everything out but there was no reasoning from her she will never ever change. I knew then that the only person she truly loves is herself. Her motto in life has always been 'the end justifies the means' and she's always stood by 'the truth is what people believe it to be'... Without any remorse and concern for others feelings. There's an awful lot to my story so I won't delve into it here but it took me a while processing no contact and I still think of her on mother's day and her birthday Christmas etc. She had some good points but they didn't outweigh the damage and the potential damage she could do to my children. I've got to the stage where I'll always love her but I can't be near her or see her, I physically get panic attacks. I wish her well from far away but the damage and hurt is irreparable. I'm so much happier once the decision was made and my children havent had her influence. Follow your gut, sometimes it goes against the grain but ends up being the best thing. Xx

Just wondering how everyone is planning on dealing with questions from their children about why the grandparent isn’t around.

As honest as ‘grandad is a wanker’ would be I’m not sure it’s the best answer to give somehow.

That's a really good question @1stX In my case the baby's father won't be around much and grandparents on that side are deceased. I think some (age appropriate) version of 'Nanny isn't well and sometimes that means she isn't very kind to people so we can't see her right now' might work?

@Hulaballoo I know exactly what you mean about the panic attacks. I hate feeling so stressed when I'm pregnant because I worry for the baby. My father came to see me this morning and he was here about 15 mins when the phone rang - she wanted to know when he was coming back because she wanted a cup of tea and was still in bed....

What I meant by the baby's father won't be around much etc is that I will have lots of explanations to give. Oh dear

1stX, I’ve thought quite a lot about that as it’s something that I want to be honest about without going into all the horrible details. I think it also depends on what age my children are when they ask. I imagine it will come up a few times during their childhood and I anticipate I will give more enhanced details as they get older. I know some people tell their children that grandma/grandpa is mentally unwell. I doubt my toddler would understand that so I think I will just say that grandma is not kind, loving or gentle and because of that we don’t choose to be around her. I really want my children to know that they have a choice in who they spend time with and that they shouldn’t be with people who do not make them feel nice about themselves etc...