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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

To announce or not to announce on Facebook?

73 replies

NooNooHead · 19/12/2017 23:24

Had my 12w scan today and am v happy all is good with little babe and things seem to be progressing well.

I’ve told a few close friends and my family / DP that I’m expecting, but I am in really two minds as to whether to announce on social media or not... after my ectopic earlier this year, I am being very cautiously optimistic with this pregnancy and don’t want to tempt fate or jinx anything if I announce on Facebook. I am so excited yet scared at the same time, and really want to shout it from the rooftops! With my DD and first pregnancy, I announced very soon after my first scan. Now i’m itching to tell people but am not sure whether Facebook is a bit too ‘public’?

I’m going to look into whether I can create a group on Facebook and announce it to a few select friends that way perhaps...

What did you do? I’m keen to hear others’ views, as I know Facebook can be a bit of a no-no for some people.

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Winenight · 22/12/2017 00:41

I decided not to announce on Facebook for several reasons:

We had a long TTC journey of nearly four years and we finally had success on our second round of ICSI. I'd hated seeing scan pics appear on my wall, every one seemed like a kick in the stomach. I didn't want to make anyone else feel like that.

I also didn't want to jinx things. Having had such a long road to get there I struggled to believe that things would actually go right.

I didn't really want my uterus or unborn child on social media - plus all the scan pics look the same. The scans themselves are amazing but the pics are really not that exciting for everyone else unless you're the parents to be.

We told face to face or by text message our friends and family. There were some friends I hadn't seen for ages or moved and as a lovely bonus it gave us the impetus to actually meet up after I told them!

We will announce the birth when baby is safely delivered as I wouldn't want someone else doing it on our behalf.

All that said it I'm very live and let live and I respect others' decisions to announce it on Facebook, it just wasn't for me.

harrietm87 · 22/12/2017 00:42

@TheVoiceOfTreason having suffered pregnancy loss is really very different from being single, and in any case, just because you personally wouldn't find it hard seeing that, does that seriously mean you can't imagine that someone else might?

TheVoiceOfTreason · 22/12/2017 06:30

Harriet - I understand what you're saying, but pregnant women and babies are a fact of life and unfortunately you're going to see them in real life and I don't necessarily see that social media is that different in that regard. I can only imagine how horrible pregnancy loss or fertility struggles are but you can't shield yourself from other people's pregnancies unfortunately. For all I know there might be someone at work who has previously or even recently miscarried (I'm not aware of any) but my bump is huge, there's no getting away from it, other people at work are excited for me and keep asking me about baby related stuff. Is talking about it on FB that different to talking about it in the office? I'm not sure it is...

If you apply the same logic, you'd never share anything positive on social media. You'd never say happy Father's Day for fear of upsetting those whose fathers are no longer here. You'd never share your excitement at getting a promotion in case someone had just been made redundant and you didn't realise. For every possible genre of good news, there is the possibility that someone you know has recently had the exact opposite news.

You obviously have to exercise a degree of tact and caution in how you announce these things but the fact is, I'm showing, people would have noticed in the photos, either I comment on it or someone else did, unless I'm expected to spend nine months not posting any photos that show me from the waist down or hiding in baggy clothes throughout the entire pregnancy.

Lillybilly20 · 22/12/2017 07:22

TheVoiceOfTreason There speaks a woman in ignorant bliss! How I envy you. Baby loss is like nothing else.

GreenTulips · 22/12/2017 07:44

Is talking about it on FB that different to talking about it in the office? I'm not sure it is...

Really? FB is like standing in a stage speaking to 200 'friends' With 10 people 'clapping' and 8 people commenting

Chatting in the office, people can walk away, ignore, or join in to Ben polite - or enjoy the conversation

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 22/12/2017 08:01

Facebook is the way I keep up to date with my friends and family who don't live near me. It's how we keep in touch despite the distance. I love hearing my friends' news about their lives.

You've got to "announce" it at least on Facebook either directly or indirectly at some point - unless you never ever talk about having a child which would just be weird!

The question is how and when - not if IMO.

People have some very weird, judgmental attitudes about stuff here IMO.
As a PP said social media is meant to be social! As long as you've told those close to you in RL first then go for it if you want to.

Perhaps don't post scan pics if they are upsetting to those with pregnancy loss but I don't think it's realistic to not mention pregnancy at all because others have had losses - you can't hide it forever can you?

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 22/12/2017 08:07

Really? FB is like standing in a stage speaking to 200 'friends' With 10 people 'clapping' and 8 people commenting

What weirdly negative ideas you have. Don't you like keeping up to date with what your friends are up to? If not, maybe social media isn't for you.

Almost all my old friends have moved away from our hometown. I love the updates from the ones who use social media. If a friend posts good news I'm delighted for them. I don't think "oh look at them standing on a stage" FFS

SD1978 · 22/12/2017 08:10

Never announced on Facebook- personally didn’t feel I needed to keep people informed. If you are a friend I see you know, if you’re not, you don’t need to. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable

GreenTulips · 22/12/2017 08:10

Don't you like keeping up to date with what your friends are up to?

Much rather meet up or phone for a chat - much more personal

EekThreek · 22/12/2017 08:19

First time I announced with a scan pic the day we had the scan.

Both times since, I haven't put the scan pics up at all, it's a bit, I dunno... ick. It's not a picture of a person, it's my insides!

DS was (is) a Christmas baby, so I did a jokey status asking for a sleighful of pain relief for Christmas (in June)

This time, it took a long time to come to terms with having another baby. It was completely unplanned and I spent a long time freaking out. So I announced it when I started to get looks as if people wanted to ask if I was pg or not. I put a photo up of me holding an OMG speech bubble (party photo booth prop) next to my belly. Was less obvious but people worked it out.

EvilRingahBitch · 22/12/2017 08:24

Personally when I was going through sub-fertility and miscarriages I found pregnancy announcements on social media far easier to handle than announcements in person or on the phone. Stops you from being under pressure to hold it together and sound happy for them on the spot with no notice.

Lillybilly20 · 22/12/2017 08:30

Tbh I think Social media is just horrible. We portray this perfect view of our lives and it just makes other people feel like shit. I don’t want to make other people feel like shit so I don’t have any social media anymore.

harrietm87 · 22/12/2017 08:53

@TheVoiceOfTreason I'm afraid you don't understand at all, as your post clearly shows. Lucky you!

It is very different, for lots of reasons that I actually can't be bothered explaining. Here's a couple though - with pregnancy loss, as opposed to any other kind, there are feelings of guilt, inadequacy, sometimes shame, the feeling that you've let yourself, others and your child down. You don't get that (usually) when someone else you know dies. It can make you question your status as a woman. The fact that very often you haven't told anyone about it is also a huge factor.

It depends how many fb friends you have, of course, but if you're like most people with a couple of hundred then yes, it is different to talking about it at work. Obviously. Presumably the much smaller group of people at work can choose to avoid you if they don't want to hear about it. On Facebook, you can just have it pop up on your feed out of the blue. It might be someone you're not in touch with, it might be the 10th one you've seen that day, whatever.

And the point is, you say "you have to exercise a degree of tact and caution in how you announce these things" but you simply cannot do that when it's a blanket message to a large group. Presumably you wouldn't actually say happy Father's Day to a person whose dad has just died? And that person will know it's Father's Day and will probably stay off social media on that day if it's likely to upset them. But on fb you don't get advance warning. As I said below, it can be like a punch in the face.

and posting pics of yourself when pregnant is totally different to a fb announcement (often with scan pic), as you must realise.

That said, it's obviously individual choice to do it and I can see why people do, but don't kid yourself that it might not be upsetting to some who see it.

ClareB83 · 22/12/2017 09:12

I honestly don't get why a scan pic is more upsetting than a bump pic. I haven't posted scan pics cos I think you can't really see anything unless you know what you're looking for, but I do not understand why it is worse. Please explain it if you wouldn't mind.

We have tried to be v tactful telling people as three close friends are struggling with baby loss at the moment. So we thought carefully about how and when to tell them.

Haven't announced on Facebook yet but we will at some point, not sure how.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 22/12/2017 09:30

and posting pics of yourself when pregnant is totally different to a fb announcement (often with scan pic), as you must realise.

But the first pic of a bump is a FB announcement, effectively!

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 22/12/2017 09:36

Much rather meet up or phone for a chat - much more personal

and

If you are a friend I see you know, if you’re not, you don’t need to.

I don't live in the same town as any of my old friends and not even the same country as a fair few of them.

I don't have the time to be talking on the phone regularly to the 40 or so people whose updates I care about - let alone being able to afford the international call charges!

Do you only consider people you see as your friends? If your friends move away do you stop caring about them?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/12/2017 09:59

I honestly don't get why a scan pic is more upsetting than a bump pic

Because an awful lot of miscarriages involve seeing an upsetting scan - empty uterus, embryo or fetus with no heartbeat, etc. One of the worst things for me about being pregnant after miscarriage is having to go back to the exact same scan room where I was told it wasn't a viable pregnancy last time - scans have a lot of bad associations for a lot of women who have experienced pregnancy or baby loss.

ClareB83 · 22/12/2017 10:05

Ok thanks @LisaSimpsonsbff I can see that.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 22/12/2017 10:13

but pregnant women and babies are a fact of life and unfortunately you're going to see them in real life
yes we're fully aware thanks.

Unfortunately seeing scan pictures brings you back to your own, makes you wonder what yours would be doing on that week, makes you think of the last time you saw them on your scan alive or with no hb. That's noone's fault of course! I think it's just the cruel added side effect.

I wasn't thinking about doing fb announcements with my 1st pregnancy just because I felt like anyone I was close to and wanted to know would know already. With my second pregnancy, well after 2 missed miscarriages I just wouldn't want to put it up as I wouldn't want to make someone feel how I felt/feel but that's probably me being weirdly sensitive. I think you doing it further along like you said would be nicer

SoapyChoc · 22/12/2017 10:26

As someone going through infertility I find unexpected pregnancy announcements on FB difficult. It is only a brief feeling but it is hard. It just seems like some people have it so easy when in reality they could have had their own difficulties.
There was an announcement last night of someone's second child being due and it's like a little burst of anxiety, followed by sadness when it is thrust upon you like that.
I don't know what the answer is as prior to my struggles I would probably have loved to announce on Facebook.

Loosemoose28 · 22/12/2017 10:32

I announced on facebook at 20 weeks most people I see regulary etc already know.

I have moved around a lot and compete my dogs around the country and I feel I have several groups of friends just felt better everyone knew plus friends I would normally see at dog events etc know why I am not around.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 22/12/2017 13:07

As previously stated, we didn't post our scan photo online. Not for the reasons you've all stated (we actually wanted to do something a bit more fun and original, but if I say exactly how we announced it the. I might identify myself to anyone on here that knows me!) but now I understand why scan photos are particularly painful for those who've experienced pregnancy loss, I will definitely not be posting any photos online from my forthcoming 32 week scan. Thank you for taking the time to explain to me.

I have nothing but sympathy and good wishes for anyone who has experienced it. I cannot pretend to understand what you've been through but I have no desire to heighten anyone's pain.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 22/12/2017 13:09

Just realised that last paragraph came out wrong, by "nothing but sympathy and good wishes" I mean that I wish only good things for them for the future and that anyone who has lost a baby previously who is still trying will be successful in the future.

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