Birth phobia back on - please help!

[Moorhen]

Sorry for length of post, I'm going a bit wobbly here:

I'm 27 wks with first baby aged 31 - would have got pregnant years ago if hadn't been so completely terrified of birth.
I think it partly stems from mc at 20, and partly from horrible experiences of the people I'm closest to who've had kids (3rd degree tearing, epidural allowed to wear off early so last stage utter agony, one friend neglected so badly her baby sustained severe brain damage, etc etc etc). Had said I would not have kids until someone promised I could have a c-section.
Also have some history of depression and anxiety, for which I had therapy two years ago and really thought I'd overcome.
Up to now in pregnancy I've been really happy and confident and serene - not looking forward to the birth (!!!) but thinking I'd get through it, everyone else manages, v reassured by hospital staff seeming nice and trustworthy and telling me yes, could definitely have epidural and no, they wouldn't let it wear off cos that would be 'wicked'.
Then I had my second antenatal class last week (When Births Go Wrong, basically) and was shown all the instruments (why why WHY?) and told that if I wasn't pushing hard enough they'd turn the epidural off.
So it's inconsistent as well as scary.
Am now utterly terrified and have felt at point of tears ever since. Half wishing could have something like breech baby so decision taken out of my hands.
Feel like shameful wimp, given how brave and positive other mothers are, but phobias aren't rational, are they?
Any words of wisdom out there?

I think everyone is nervous, and many are downright terrified!
I know I was!
Write a detailed birth plan - even if everything doesn't go to plan down to the last letter, it will be useful for you and the staff to refer to.
Have you spoken to a consultant about your fears?
It may be possible to discuss a planned caesarian, or they may be able to reassure you about your concerns and worries.

Haven't spoken to a consultant - I'm graded as a low risk so I haven't even seen a doctor for ages. Does it take ages if you ask to see one?
Birth plan is a good idea, but I don't know if I trust them to listen to me after hearing this midwife do her stuff. My DH is a godsend and will do his best, but still petrified and barely sleeping.

Ask your midwife for a referral to see the consultant asap.
Be honest with him/her about your worries. I'm sure they will be able to allay some of your fears.
Will DH be able to go to the appointment with you?

Poor you, sounds like you are feeling pretty stressed right now. Remember that lots of people are anxious about having their first baby, it's normal - it's an unknown situation. However, being prepared can really help. So it's good you are tackling this now.

Your antenatal classes do sound a bit scary! Who is running them - are they hospital classes or NCT? Remember that hospital classes tend to focus on what happens in the hospital, and on explaining processes and procedures, rather than on the more emotional side of giving birth. Could you find an independent childbirth educator or doula who could sit down with you perhaps in your own home and spend a couple of hours working through some of the things that are worrying you?

Don;t forget too that people often feel compelled to share their birth horror stories but lots of women have lovely, uncomplicated, straightforward births every day, it's just that you don't tend to hear about those because they are not very interesting!

Have you thought about hiring a birth doula? They can be a great help with people who are especially anxious, before the birth you can meet several times to explore what worries you and come up with some strategies to help you cope. Then during the birth they can be a great help in giving you lots of support and encouragement.

Another possibility might be something like HypnoBirthing if that appeals to you - do a web search on it if you are not familiar with what it's all about, but essentially it focuses letting go of fear through self hypnosis, and therefore reducing tension and pain. It's not for everyone but some people find it useful especially if there is a lot of anxiety.

In terms of the epidural, it's true that sometimes epidurals slow down the pushing stage, largely because they relax the pelvic floor nd reduce sensation. They also make it harder for you to get into a good position for pushing as you are pretty much flat on your back. In those cases sometimes they will suggest turning it down so you get some sensation back for pushing -however I have never seen one actually be turned right off without the mother's consent.

I agree with the suggestion about doing a birth plan and most importantly discussing it with your midwives beforehand, you can explain what is worrying you, and make any specific wishes known ahead of time. A doula can also help you put this together, even if you do not want to hire her for the birth itself.

Remember that a planned cesarian is more risky for the baby, plus you have the recovery to deal with which can make it harder to take care of your baby in those early days after the birth. Think too about the environment - a cesarean is basically surgery so you would be in an operating theatre etc, perhaps not the best one if you are already feeling really stressed. However if you really feel this would be better for you given your history of depression then definitely worth discussing with your doctor.

Good luck and let us know how things go.

i agree that it's completely normal to be worried and anxious. i'm 19 wks preg with my second baby. My first birth was fine in fact very quick i had gas and air for the pushing stage and a small tear. I was very lucky. I have a lot of friends who weren't so lucky. I think it's important to remember how many millions of people give birth everyday and that your body is programmed to know exactly what to do. Things do go wrong but the people around you are trained to do everything they can to help.

When i was having a nervous day i'd walk up the high street and find the worst mother i could then i'd say to myself - if they can do it i certainly can!

Moorhen,

I have CAT'ed you. There are some really helpful exercises you can try to 'free up' your mind before the birth.

Just shout if you want any help.

Cx

Oh poor you. I was really scared about tearing in particular and about pain due to a really pathetic pain threshold.

Advice so far is spot on - think about your birth plan and talk about your concerns.

If you can face it perineal massage worked a treat for me - did it everyday for last 4/5 weeks of pregnancy and only needed one small internal stitch even though had a vontuse (can't spell!!). Post birth arnica cream was also a real winner.

I did have an epidural and did need a little help at the end but that was more due to my tiredness due to longish labour.

Good luck Cxx

You must be scared, its your first baby never mind all the scary stories you have been told. First thing I would do is explain in detail to your midwife how you are feeling, she may be able to help you with some relaxation exercises or may refer you to your consultant for further discussion. The thing to remember is that this is your body and whilst you are so upset and uptight about it, your body is tense and in turn can actually prolong your labour. SO any help you get now will help you in the long run.

With regards to the 3rd degree tear, I had one didn;t know anything about it during the birth...didn't feel anything in that region by the time the head came out. I can't say the stitches were good at all but I went on to have a further 2 children with no stitches or problems at all.

Interestingly I was too terrified to have an epidural (again scary stories) and if I had needed a CS i think I would have died right there and then. We all have fears, good luck with everything it will all go fine and you will have your baby in your arms before you know it!

It is really normal to be scared about the birth and only hearing horror stories does not help! There was a great thread in the childbirth section not so long ago about good birth stories - well worth a read! I was like Hayes and terrified about the thought of needing a C section and epidural. I hated the idea of an epidural because spines freak me out so I looked in to other ways to cope with the pain and came across hypnobirthing.

Hypnobirthing was really great - you have to practice the techniques for a good few weeks - and part of the practice involves listening to a relaxation CD - this really helped me have a calm last trimester and helped me to get off to sleep every night! During our hypnobirthing course we had a fear release session which I found really helpful. You could have a one-to-one session if you have lots of fear/issues to deal with or better still why not have a few sessions with a hypnotherapist?

In the May edition of Red there is an interview with a woman who used hypnotherapy to over come her child birth phobia.

I think you are very brave and I hope you can find something soon to ease your fears and wish you a calm and happy birth experience.

Hi Moorhen,

Excellent advice here. I had antenatal yoga classes and we were taught some breathing exercises that were very good indeed for controlling my fears once I went into labour. If you can find a class, it may be worth talking to the tutor in advance and saying you need some special advice on how to control anxiety - there are some brilliant breathing techniques ("the fear-suppressing breath" for one), and they do work - you're so busy breathing correctly you just don't notice other stuff as much. Also we were taught about attitude, to 'keep an open mind', and it really does help. I had a 2nd degree tear and felt nothing at all - it healed up very quickly.

Awwww Moorhen
I really feel for you.

Like others have said, its very normal to feel scared and anxious about childbirth. After all its a big thing that you and your body is going through.

I have a good friend who comes on here who went through the same thing. I wont mention her name but she posted about it on our ante natal thread at the time.
She spoke to her MW and she got some great support. It was arranged for her to have a trip round the hospital and in the end she decided to have a CS because of her fears. This was discussed with her consultant and in the end they agreed that she could go ahead with it. She was very pleased and her mind was put at rest.

I'm sure you realise that a CS isnt an easy option. There are alot of things to consider about it like recovery, not being able to drive for a few weeks after etc.
Having said that if you decide that a CS is what would make you happy and put all your fears at bay then by all means, speak to the right people and get your worries and problems across.
There is lots of help out there for you.

Good luck with it

I did EFT by phone when I was expecting second baby and dreading the birth. IT was approx £50 and I don't care that it seems really weird, it was great.

Oh yes Lio.
A big well done for doing that. It isnt weird at all.
I'm going to do it next week hopefully to try and get rid of my phobia.

hi moorhen

what antenatal classes you having? sound a bit , maybe, insensitive?

agree with what yesireallycan has said....definitely look into a doula ....

yes, most people do manage, but some people need extra support , and that is fine !

think it might be worth looking into some counselling now, to examine what it is you are afraid of in particular, and address it

tearing? unmanageable pain? baby being hurt in some way ? being out of control?

because all those things can be addressed before you are in delivery suite !

I can completely sympathise. I am nearly 37 weeks pregnant with my first and have at times been absolutely terrified about giving birth. I have seen friends labour and deliver babies, including a friend who had a 4th degree tear with her first. It terrified me beyond belief.

I decided during my second trimester that there was no way I was letting this fear ruin the rest of my pregnancy. Firstly I started hypnobirthing, knowing that such fear and tension would only be detrimental to labour and I have had plenty of practice just recently with getting through a threatened early labour using the techniques learned. I also identified tearing as one of my biggest fears and have started (well DH has anyway, I can't reach) perineal massage. Ina May Gaskin (natural childbirth guru) says that she has never seen a woman tear when kissing during crowning. That convinced me that trying to find a way to stay as relaxed as possible was the best way of trying to avoid my fears. Having thought about it almost constantly I eventually realised that the hospital/medical side of things was only contributing to my anxiety. I am booked in for a home waterbirth! Every day I visualise having a natural delivery, in water, with my husband and very lovely midwives and every day I tell myself that I can do this and I am bringing my much wanted daughter into the world. It will hurt beyond belief I know, aspects of it will shake me to my core, but I will find and focus on the positives.

I hope you can find a way through this and have a positive experience. Talk, talk, talk to your midwives, any doctors you can contact, friends and family and try and focus on what you do want from childbirth and what and who will help you achieve it.

Hi Nbg, was sure I was the only one! Hope it goes well for you - I went through lots of tissues, but it was really good for me and shaped my mindset approaching birth second time around.

I did active birth yoga classes see if anyone in your area does these but any kind of yoga will help you to relax and teaches you really good techniques for labour. I was terrified of epidural - thought of something in my spine - aagggrrhhh - even told my husband that I defo wasn't to have one no matter what I said ... but in the end of the day I ended up having one - was the best thing ever (for me :0 ) Also although this may not be everyones experiences my midwife was a superstar and really helped me to remain calm relaxed and informed of what was going on. Remember they do this everyday and I think overall do an amazing job

Really hope you can get over these fears and look forward to meeting your new lovely baby

I had an epidural for my first - it wasn't 100% to start with, so they topped it up straight away so I couldn't feel a thing. The only down side was that when it came to pushing I wasn't entirely clear what to do, and ended up with terrible piles! I think you have had some really good advice on here - hypnotherapy, NCT classes, talking to your consultant (I got an extra scan just to soothe our anxieties with No.3), pregancy yoga to help with breathing and relaxation, getting a doula (or maybe an independent midwife?), all good stuff. Maybe try to think about the birth as something comparable to a marathon - it's not called "labour" (as opposed to "trauma" or "agony"), for nothing, but whether it's a marathon or childbirth people CHOOSE to go for it, work through very real pain, and get a fantastic sense of achievement at the end of it. And they do it over and over again. Incidentally I can't run 100 yards, but I can sort of understand the attraction of running a marathon! With No.2 I felt nicely in control with minimal pain relief, and there is apparently a percentage of women who feel no pain in childbirth (?!!) The main trick is to be as relaxed as possible - how you achieve that is up to you.

I would say most people are fearful of giving birth to some extent - in fact I don't know anyone who didn't experience some trepidation. But it sounds as though what you're experiencing has gone way beyond this. One suggestion I'd make from my own experience: have you thought about whether the whole medical aspect is increasing your fears rather than alleviating them? I think it's easy to fall into the trap of believing that the more options of pain relief the better, whereas for some people, the medicalisation of childbirth actually makes it worse. I chose to have DC1 in a small midwife led unit (birthing pool, gas and air etc but no epidurals and no doctor in sight unless really needed). I can HONESTLY say this was the best experience out of my 3 births.

Moorhen, it's completely understandable being nervous about going into labour. Also, some people just love telling their awful birth stories, but remember that so so many births go really smoothly. I remember a lady I worked with who managed with just gas and air and likened the birth process to 'doing a great big fart' PSML!!!!!!!!! I haven't read through thread thoroughly, but from what I have there is some great advice. I think it's definitely something you need help with, getting your head round it that is, have you spoken to your doctor? Maybe you could be referred for some sort of therapy, hypnotherapy or counselling. I think also the hospital and midwives on duty need to be made aware of your very real fears and thus behave sensitively towards you. Good luck, and remember that you forget about it all afterwards, otherwise nutters like me wouldn't be having their 3rd baby!!!!!! Good luck x x

Haven't had time to read whole thread thoroughly so sorry if I am being repetitive. I would suggest phoning your community midwife and asking her to come to your house to discuss the birth with you. She will probably be happy to come and do this, if she is not contact the head of midwifery at the hospital and she will make sure that someone gives you the attention that you deserve. Although I do think it is a good idea to see a consultant as well you have to remember that they only see the ventouse, forceps, caesarians, 3dg tears etc they are almost never present at normal deliveries.

Moorhen, I feel similar to you, although not as bad I think. I have booked a hynpobirthing course and am buying some cds. I haven't started it yet, but it looks really good. It has made me feel much better about the whole thing, I feel like I am taking control of my fear and doing something about it.

I am 29 weeks so will update with how the HB went!

Hi Moorhen. I don't have any advice to offer as this is my first too, but I just wanted to say you're not alone. I'm not so much terrified, but I know from past experiences I have a funny reaction to pain. It's like the part of my brain that registers pain, and the part that responds to that pain aren't connected. I've had a few accidents in my time, broken bones etc, and every time I've hyperventilated to such an extent I collapse and my muscles spasm badly. I haven't raised this with my midwife yet, I think discussing birthplan comes a bit later for me (I'm 18+5). I've pretty much decided I'll need an epidural, if only because once I've started hyperventilating, stopping is nigh on impossible, and I think the risks that poses to my baby are greater than those associated with epidural. Again, it's not something I've discussed with the midwife, but I would like to go for a mobile epidural which I gather reduce the risk of intervention. I'm also going to do perineal massage to reduce the risk of tearing. All of which I hope should help me to manage the pain as much as possible. As everyone has said, it's normal to feel scared, I think the most important thing is to do lots of research, get as much information as you can, positive and negative, that way you are so much more in control of things. I hope you are able to continue getting support from your midwives, they sound great to me. If the ante natal classes are terrifying you, don't go. Being pregnant is worrying enough without someone telling you all the things that can go wrong without really telling you all the things that can go right. Good luck xx

Wow, thanks so much for all the great advice and support. Am really grateful and it has helped a lot.
I was lucky - my own, lovely midwife took this week's antenatal class and I did mention that we'd been told some very distressing things. She promptly contradicted some of them, and since I'm seeing her one to one on Thursday, I'll be talking to her in more detail then.
If I'm not happy with the level of information I have after that, I will ask to see a consultant. Have also booked a walk-round of the maternity unit (not till June 3; earliest they could fit me in) and hopefully that will help.
As far as I can tell (and I've thought about it a lot the last few days) my fears centre on:
*The pain, and not getting adequate pain relief from staff who are either overworked or not that bothered
*Being neglected and ending up like my friend (started out in a cottage hospital, ended up in intensive care miles away, with a severely brain-damaged child).
So I don't think a home birth's for me. What makes me feel better is the idea that I will have good enough pain relief to think clearly and understand what is happening and why. So the aim is to make sure this can definitely happen.
I might look into hynobirthing, tho - I'd feel like a fraud among lots of mums looking for a natural birthing experience, but any calming influence is bound to be a good thing!

I don't think hypnobirthing and the like are limited to home birth or natural birth mums - I'm sure I have heard of all sorts of therapists actually being attached to maternity units. I think it is widely accepted that there is no perfect solution to ease childbirth, that it is very individual, and ANYTHING that helps is worth considering. Personally, my favourite contribution after standard kinds of relief, was to have a tape player playing my favourite Terry Pratchett novel, (easy listening and I knew it well enough to miss bits when I was concentrating on the contractions!) Hope your Thursday session with the midwife is reassuring. Are you doing NCT ante-natal classes as well as the NHS ones? I found the NCT ones infinitely better.