Birth phobia back on - please help!

[Moorhen]

Sorry for length of post, I'm going a bit wobbly here:

I'm 27 wks with first baby aged 31 - would have got pregnant years ago if hadn't been so completely terrified of birth.
I think it partly stems from mc at 20, and partly from horrible experiences of the people I'm closest to who've had kids (3rd degree tearing, epidural allowed to wear off early so last stage utter agony, one friend neglected so badly her baby sustained severe brain damage, etc etc etc). Had said I would not have kids until someone promised I could have a c-section.
Also have some history of depression and anxiety, for which I had therapy two years ago and really thought I'd overcome.
Up to now in pregnancy I've been really happy and confident and serene - not looking forward to the birth (!!!) but thinking I'd get through it, everyone else manages, v reassured by hospital staff seeming nice and trustworthy and telling me yes, could definitely have epidural and no, they wouldn't let it wear off cos that would be 'wicked'.
Then I had my second antenatal class last week (When Births Go Wrong, basically) and was shown all the instruments (why why WHY?) and told that if I wasn't pushing hard enough they'd turn the epidural off.
So it's inconsistent as well as scary.
Am now utterly terrified and have felt at point of tears ever since. Half wishing could have something like breech baby so decision taken out of my hands.
Feel like shameful wimp, given how brave and positive other mothers are, but phobias aren't rational, are they?
Any words of wisdom out there?

I did Hypnobirthing, and I'm certainly not the natural type. There's nothing like an epidural. I think it would be really good for you to have a fear release session with a Hypnobirthing practioner. It worked brilliantly for me.

Chocolateface, what is a fear release session? Sounds like it could be a good idea - is it a one-off rather than a course, or what?

A fear release session can be done in your hypnobirthing class - we did one (v helpful) or you can have a private session with the teacher.

Our teacher brought us into a deep state of relaxation then got us to imagine we were in a comfortable room in a comfy chair next to a fire with a big leather book on a table next to it. We had to imagine opening the book and imagine each of our main fears on each page then we took each page at a time tore it out of the book and threw it into the fire! It was a while ago that we did that so I'm a little sketchy on the details! It might sound weird but it really helped me.

Hi Moorhen,

I so understand what you're going through. I felt exactly the same as you - not just scared or worried, but downright terrified to the point of losing my mind. It's a recognisd phobia - tocophobia. Nobody took my fears seriously - I spoke to one midwife and her response was "well everyone's worried, dear!". Talk about belittle you! As for showing you the instruments - totally, totally pointless. I went home and cried and cried for days after that antenatal class. I wanted an elective c-section all along but wasn't allowed one based on fear alone(which I understand, as everyone knows the risks associated with c/s). I ended up having one anyway (failed induction) and, whilst it was very, very hard to recover from, I am desperately glad that I had one and didn't have to go through labour and birth. I'm now pregnant again and have been promised an elective c/s this time round - the difference between this pregnancy and the last, this one knowing that I don't have to give birth vaginally, is amazing - I spent virtually every day of the last pregnancy in tears, and having nightmares every night, but am completely relaxed with this pregnancy.
Obviously c/sections are not to be recommended light-heartedly (and you get the Gasp Of Horror if you actually say that you want one!!) but I just wanted to point out that if you really feel that this is the best option for you then you should talk to your consultant about it. At first you will, of coruse, be fobbed off - but if you are pushy enough and look into your rights about it then it can be done. But try all the other options (hynoborthing etc.) first :-)
HTH,
Tink.