I'm feeling so guilty about work...

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I work a 4 day week but on the days I do work, I am regularly billing (I'm a lawyer) 7-10 hours per day. I also have a 2 year old, so I'm running around most of the time I'm not working as well.

Over the last week or so I have basically ground to a halt. I have been diagnosed with SPD, pregnancy-triggered asthma and eczma and low iron. I also have been struggling with acid reflux. I have a history of premature birth (ds was born at 35 weeks) and a low-lying placenta this time too, so I have lots of extra appointments. I'm getting about 5-6 hours sleep a night because I am so uncomfortable and also stressed by work.

I am just not coping with work. HR sent me to an occupational health doctor who advised that I not work beyond 6:30pm in the evening - so once I've done bath and bedtime for my son I can be 'finished' by 8pm. But I just have too much work to do. By 6:30pm last night I was in tears because I just couldn't get everything done. I handed my work over to my boss and a junior and I saw that they finally emailed the client at 2am. I feel terrible that they were there so late doing 'my' work - but what can I do? It's going to start all over again on Monday, I've got to get to London for 6 hours of meetings on Tuesday which will probably run later into the evening...

Some moments I am so close to bursting into tears on my GP and begging to be signed off work. But then part of me thinks that I am just being pathetic - I can work from home a lot of the time and it's not that long until Christmas... why can't a just keep going for a few more weeks?!

Can someone talk some sense into me? Please! What should I do?

Hello. I am a consultant (also on the billable hours regime and in fact Work alongside lawyers) and am struggling currently with first trimester so I really understand what you are going through. You don’t say what your coworker/boss’ attitudes are but my guess is that the pressure is coming from YOU. At least, this is what I struggle with. There always seem to be other people breezing through illness and pregnancy and working (or not necessarily breezing but gritting teeth and doing it) and if you’re like me you feel awful when you feel the need to stop. I had a bad flu this year and dropped client Work on others and experienced the 2am thing. Awful. But: you must! You have to listen to your body. I have 2 mantras: a) your career is long. This is a blip on the radar. A tiny blip. B) if you saw someone in your situation what would you say? You’d say: go home, look after your health, it’s ok. Some women are lucky in pregnancy and some are not. IT has nothing to do with how good you are at your job or your moral fortitude. Please do what you need to do for this short time and it WILL be ok.

Sorry, I had to stop mn'ing for a while as there was a 2 year old to entertain and get to bed!

I am so glad I started this thread. Some very smart people have given me some very good advice for which I am very grateful. And I know it's the advice that I would give someone else in my position.

I think partly I'm worried about what happens if I go off sick - I know from previous experience (I was signed off for a week or so during my last pregnancy after collapsing from low blood pressure) that once you've been signed off it's very hard to go back... and it will be especially hard to just go back for a couple of weeks after Christmas when I'm even more pregnant than I am now. But I also don't really see how I can be signed off from week 28 until week 36 - am I really ill enough to justify that????

However, this half-way house doesn't really seem to be working for me. I think I really do believe that I need to be on the verge of collapse to justify being signed off sick. It's a difficult thing to realise, but pregnancy is different than 'normal' circumstances because it's not just about me.

I think my options are:

• Get signed off by my GP early this week

• Try to have one more conversation with HR/the partner about giving me a break and, if things aren't better by the end of this week, get signed off on Friday/the following Monday.

I will sleep on it!

Are you I'll enough to be signed off from 28 to 36 weeks?
Good question. What are the main things that you are suffering with? How does it impact you at home and at work? How does being at home make it better?

When I was signed off it was because one day I woke up and couldn't physically get out of bed and when I did someone had to help me to walk. I was signed off for two weeks initially to see how it went. It did get a bit better and I was able to get around a bit more but I realised it was because I wasn't rushing around at work and there was no way I would have been able to resume usual duties or even adjusted (I my job was desk based - HR funnily enough). So I was signed off for the remainder and it was like a weight had lifted. I had been struggling on for weeks though, through bitter pain and exhaustion. Why? Because I had so much work to do. I was determined that I would clear my desk and do a spectacular handover (as I had with my first mat leave when I worked until 38 weeks with spd). The truth was, every day I went in I got more and more behind because I was struggling so much. In the end my manager thought I was incompetent (that's a whole separate issue), despite getting a company award for performance and few months before falling pregnant. I was debilitated at work and trying to struggle on. Are you in that place? You sound in that place. I will echo my mum's saying "one thing at a time". You don't need to decide today if you should be signed off for that long. A week could help, or two. It is harder to go back afterwards and if you can't manage it you don't have to.

Have you spoken to your midwife at all? I think you should as they will certainly back you up. Fwiw I had the same concerns. My friends brother is a GP and she assured me that my GP would listen. She told me how seriously GPs take pregnancy related issues and work. She actually said that their first concern is to protect the woman and to listen to them in these types of scenarios. How true this is I don't know but my GP was fantastically supportive and didn't bat an eyelid through any of it, apart from to direct me to resources and support.

Remember, one thing at a time. Do what you need to do for tomorrow, not next week or even next month. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

Fellow lawyer here (28 weeks preg) and I too could've written lots of what others have already said in particular about pushing through, not wanting to lose client respect and also concerns about handing over and losing my identity.

It's taken DH and I 6 years to conceive and 5 rounds of fertility treatment so as hard as I'm finding it I'm trying my utmost to start winding down and being realistic with myself and my team as nothing is more important than this baby I'm carrying.

I truly hope you can manage to work out what is best for you and your family

I'm also a lawyer at an international firm - 13 weeks pregnant currently and on secondment to a major client. I had horrendous hyperemises and was hospitalized twice. I had to have a very difficult conversation with my boss and asked to go on reduced hours which they reluctantly agreed to eventually. I hated doing it but it helped me massively. I explained that the alternative was that I'd be signed off for bed rest.

I really do feel for you OP but you need to put yourself and your baby first. They will manage. It's so much harder when the partners all seems to have wives who had easy pregnancies and therefore aren't always the most sympathetic but you need to explain just how hard you're finding things. It's a few periods of your entire working life that you need a bit of flexibility for, take it. Good luck.

One other thing I thought of. You have established yourself at this firm. They will already have a view on whether your are a hard worker or a shirker, whether you are to be trusted or not. What happens in the next few weeks is not going to change that ... unless you completely screw something up! Don't put yourself in a position to risk that.

What are the main things that you are suffering with? How does it impact you at home and at work? How does being at home make it better?

Those are definitely questions I need to be able to answer.

I went into London last week for a meeting and am meant to be going in for another meeting this week. Never mind actually physically sitting through the meeting (which is hard) but the commute is killing me. The SPD gets so bad that the day after I commute I can hardly walk.

So at the moment I am mostly working from home. But I have so much work on that I am sitting down to start work at 8.30am and working straight through to 6.30pm. Until a week ago I was then logging on and working again once ds was asleep from 8pm to 11pm. That's only stopped now because I'm calling my boss every day at 6.30pm and saying that I can't do any more.

Sitting working for so long each day is making the SPD much worse. And the stress is making the pregnancy-triggered asthma and acid reflux worse too. I'm also getting crashing stress headaches (which paracetamol isn't touching). I'm sleeping maybe 4/5 hours a night because of pregnancy symptoms so part of my stress is that I'm going to make a mistake because I'm so tired. I'm so strung out that I'm having the most awful nightmares about premature birth etc.

So basically I am exhausted, in constant low-level pain and very stressed. I don't think it's anything that's likely to put me in hospital. If I could actually work the way that the occupational health doctor advised (at home, 4 days per week, 9.30-6.30pm with three breaks per day) I could probably keep going - not happily, but I could keep going. But my boss just keeps telling me 'you'll get everything done' and I can't. I just can't. There's too much to do and it's impossible on those working hours.

Oh lorelai I don't have anything constructive to add but just wanted to say I really feel for you!

I'm 22 weeks, also a lawyer in a silver circle firm, first baby. I'm in disputes though so it's not so bad for me atm - no big hearings coming up. I do wonder how I will cope when I get closer to my due date though as I'm still billing about 8 hrs a day (working c.11 hour days).

I hope you can get the support you need - definitely sounds like you need a break urgently.

Thanks harrietm87. The sympathy is much appreciate! I'm dreading tomorrow!

Good luck tomorrow OP.

Thanks. I have the worst Sunday-night-itis in the world right now. Managed to have a row with dh over everything and am now sulking in the bedroom on mumsnet!

Good luck today! Concentrate on what you need to do, what is possible. Once you are through this you’ll be loyal to the company and a great team player again.

I hope that DH is helping you and supporting you 100%. Can he cut his hours so you do less? This is 50% his problem too. Obviously he will try to convince you it isn’t but really it is.

Best of luck today OP. Tbh, it sounds to me that you need to get signed off, but I hope you reach a conclusion today that you're happy with.

I don't think your job is compatible with your pregnancy. With the best will in the world it's not working. Have you been having physio for the spd? I had physio and hydrotherapy which did help a bit. I was told that I was not to sit for long periods as it would make it worse. Occ health installed an app on my computer that pinged up a timer and would stop until id stood up and walked around. Can you try this if you do continue working? I also had one of those big birthing balls and used it instead of an office chair. It did help quite a bit but all in all, everything you are describing took over and i lost the battle. Your body is talking to you, so listen.

Good luck today. I hope you are able to do something about it all and get the support you very much NEED.

You have to put your baby and yourself first. My heart goes out to you. Forget about work as much as you can. Get signed off. They’ll cope. These weeks are everything for your baby.

You’ll never get this chance to nourish and grow your baby through these weeks of development again.

Get signed off. At the moment you can’t see the wood from the trees but it is better for everyone. The deal will still get done and they will be able to get someone in to cover it properly. You will be able to rest and with some time away - you will regain some perspective, be able to let go and look after yourself.

Just think, if this was the partners wife - what would he be telling her to do? I bet it would be to get signed off and look after herself.

It is not a sign of weakness or failure taking your health and your baby’s health seriously.

Ok. So I told my boss this morning that it's not working. I said I'm stressed, it's impacting my health, blah, blah blah. Pretty much cried on the phone.

He told me that if I need to get signed off, I should but that he would drastically decrease my workload. He immediately reduced my workload for today by about 50% and overall by about a third. He said I should take whatever breaks I need to during the day, can ring him at 6:30pm every day and tell him what hasn't been done and he'll do it... I can work entirely from home too.

This deal is meant to sign at the end of next week and he said he'd rather have me operating at 50 per cent. than someone else operating at 100 per cent. so he's obviously totally manipulating me. And by the end of next week it is pretty much all over.

I think I have to give this a try, don't I? I can give it until Friday (so four days) and get signed off then if it's not working?

Hi OP, just read your thread and update and wanted to expess my sympathy
I'm a solicitor too, although not in the city, which I find stressful enough! Pregnant with dc3 at a similar stage to you.
Sounds like you should give this week a go as you really want to but after that either get signed off or go on a major wind down eg Just tidying up existing files and passing them over. I have back and a bit of pelvic pain. Stand and walk/pace around as much as possible. For example when you're on the phone or reading something. Even regular breaks will help a bit. Or just getting up to get some water. All the best and good luck with this week . Keep posting if it helps

I actually think this is a pretty good response from your boss. I think I would give it a try and I would tell him this in no uncertain terms that it is "trying". What he cannot possibly begin to understand is what it's like to be you and that the concept of carrying on in any capacity is realistically too much but that you feel obliged to try.

So you could try but know your limits and be honest. Don't get sucked in though and be honest with him and yourself about your capacity.

A pp is right. You are growing life. You are a vessel and need to take care of yourself and your baby. Not to imply that your not, just that you shouldn't feel guilty.

Well done on having the difficult conversation - it’s never easy. It sounds like they are doing their best to be supportive and obviously think very highly of your work, but if it’s no more manageable by Thursday, then definitely book in to see your GP.
Hope your week gets better from here xx

I meant to say, book an appointment now. That way you won't have the long wait to see the GP and your appointment will be there and waiting. You can always cancel.

I had a call with HR this afternoon and asked them to reinforce the message to my boss too. Had a better day today and am actually finishing at 6.30pm not feeling like I am going to collapse!

MaverickSnoopy That's a really good idea - I'll book a GP appointment for Friday.

I'm so glad your conversation went well OP. A good friend of mine has a similar job and I know how she struggles at times.

Sounds like your boss was listening. Give it a go this week and see how you feel.

That sounds positive OP, I hope today has gone the same way as yesterday and you're feeling more on top of things. You're pretty much 50% of the way through this week.

If you can get through till next Friday then great. If you can't then that's fine too. Will you be able to wind down massively once this deal is done (assuming you keep going till then?) or are you best to plan to be signed off after the deal is done?