I'm feeling so guilty about work...

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I work a 4 day week but on the days I do work, I am regularly billing (I'm a lawyer) 7-10 hours per day. I also have a 2 year old, so I'm running around most of the time I'm not working as well.

Over the last week or so I have basically ground to a halt. I have been diagnosed with SPD, pregnancy-triggered asthma and eczma and low iron. I also have been struggling with acid reflux. I have a history of premature birth (ds was born at 35 weeks) and a low-lying placenta this time too, so I have lots of extra appointments. I'm getting about 5-6 hours sleep a night because I am so uncomfortable and also stressed by work.

I am just not coping with work. HR sent me to an occupational health doctor who advised that I not work beyond 6:30pm in the evening - so once I've done bath and bedtime for my son I can be 'finished' by 8pm. But I just have too much work to do. By 6:30pm last night I was in tears because I just couldn't get everything done. I handed my work over to my boss and a junior and I saw that they finally emailed the client at 2am. I feel terrible that they were there so late doing 'my' work - but what can I do? It's going to start all over again on Monday, I've got to get to London for 6 hours of meetings on Tuesday which will probably run later into the evening...

Some moments I am so close to bursting into tears on my GP and begging to be signed off work. But then part of me thinks that I am just being pathetic - I can work from home a lot of the time and it's not that long until Christmas... why can't a just keep going for a few more weeks?!

Can someone talk some sense into me? Please! What should I do?

I had spd and sciatica from 8 weeks and was signed off by 26 weeks pregnant. I couldn't go on. I was on crutches and dragging my leg behind me when walking. I was sleeping about 4 hours a night and had no focus due to exhaustion. It was a horrible time.

In your shoes I would do this. I would ask the GP to sign me off for 2 weeks to see if that helps. That way you're not deciding now and you can see how you go.

Am I right in thinking that you're taking annual leave then at 34 weekend and starting mat leave at 36 weeks? Mat leave, as I'm sure you know, can't be triggered by pregnancy related illness until 36 weeks so your other option would be for your GP to sign you off utility 34 weeks and then you take your annual leave at 34 weeks as planned.

You NEED to do something practical. I really feel for you and was just the same (although not in a law firm, but with a boss who bullied me for being pregnant and made me feel crap about the spd and not being on top form). You HAVE to protect yourself. Without wanting to sound cheesy, you are a vessel carrying life and that life is so precious and it's your job to put it first. I get what it is to be so contentious that you don't want to admit defeat but it won't help you. In my case my boss used it against me. I mean it with kindness.

I would make an appointment first thing Monday morning and phone into work saying that you've suffered a major setback over the weekend and have an appointment. Just remember that you don't need to decide right now what your plan is.

I think the main thing is to approach it factually and don't over apologise for it.

sunshinegirl82 and andersarms give good advice.

Also, argh!!!!! At your FIL asking if it was something you did. As if there weren't enough opportunities for motherly guilt!!! Not surprised you lost it with him.

OP I am not a lawyer but work in a similar field. Clients, big jobs, managing entire deals etc. I have seen many instances where significant people burn out, are sick, have family issues and are signed off either by the doctor or the firm insists they take time off. You know what? The world keeps spinning, the job gets done by others, clients understand if things are a bit late. We are all human.
You and your child are MOST important in this set up.

I recognise your concern and worry but believe me, at this juncture it is not important. I've had to fill in for a missing senior manager because of a family circumstance and yes work late hours etc. didn't cross my mind to blame her at any point. Partner came in to help, we all mucked in because we realised the importance of the real life that happens outside the microcosm of work, clients and deadlines. None of which in the big scheme of things is of import.

Take time out and don't even think about it.

I was working a 60-hour week in HE and gave up the job rather than carry on. I was exhausted.

Dd was born at 29 weeks and almost died. I'll never know if it was because of the pressure of work but I was so overwhelmed I wasn't looking after myself-I didn't have time.

I was a workaholic and it was a wake-up call for me. I think it's easy to lose sight of what's important when you're overwhelmed.

I have stopped travelling in except maybe once a week for the key meeting. And I am down to one transaction - it's just the kind of transaction that requires a senior associate working on it 24/7 until it signs in a couple of weeks.

I guess I feel like they have made concessions for me... and now I need to tell them that even that's not working.

Just remember that you don't need to decide right now what your plan is. That's very good advice. Maybe I focus on seeing a GP on Monday and getting some advice and take it from there.

The whole 'it's you and your baby that matters right now' is entirely true. But is hard to remember when you're in a meeting room full of people who are all looking to you to get zillions of pounds worth of deal done!

I do get over-emotional about work - difficult not to when you put so much into it and give up so much for it. It's sort of dragging myself away from it mentally and emotionally so I can be firm with them about what I can and can't do. I don't think I'm helping myself with my approach right now... which is probably making it harder for them to help me!

Can you draft an email over the weekend, cc'd to HR and OH. Outline your medical situation, workload, work-hours etc and ask for a meeting on Monday to discuss how this can be adjusted going forward and for your maternity cover. Explain that you have concerns about this work level not being sustainable both joe, and after you return for on mat leave.
I appreciate this might not be feasible in your profession, but it should be.

Put yourself first OP and this is ajust a blip, say 5 years out a whole career when you have to take it easy.

But with your company, and lawyers in general it seems every female lawyer has to fight the same fight as so it’s ground hog day. Do the companies just ignore how human reproduction works so they can screw women over again and again?

My firm has a reputation as being quite good to women... but it's all relative!

I actually have a meeting with HR scheduled for Wednesday anyway (they have been keeping an eye on me!) so I might work out quite well if I talk to my boss on Monday and then follow-up with HR on Wednesday. But I think writing down what I actually need to say to people is a good idea.

I have screwed up those conversations in the last few weeks because, as my dad would say, I didn't go into those conversations knowing what I wanted to get out of them. I'm still not 100 per cent. sure I know what I want - I think 50/60 per cent. of me just wants to be able to stop guilt-free at 6:30pm every day and the rest of me wants to get signed off work so I can lie down in a dark room with a cold towel wrapped around my head for a week!

Ah ha! I’m also on a very interesting thread in relationships which is about a successful dp belittling their stay at home partner, after they have had their career facilitated for 20 years!

I know this thread is about this week, but have a long hard think about the future for your and your other half (if there is one). What does a successful life look like to you? When the kids are at school then where do you want your career to be?

Big questions but you need to think on a 20 year time scale.

What field are you in? Very late nights in my department are a rarity. Do they not have any trainees/nqs or paralegals with capacity to help? Do you have plenty of support staff and could you allocate more work to them?

Dh and I are having conversations about the future. He's a lawyer too and I think the problem is that we both spend so much time fire-fighting that we can't see a year ahead, let alone 5!

Have you got any other resources you can call on to help do the grunt work? We have a research/knowledge department and document production teams?

If he is also a lawyer then get him to push so he gets time off, does bedtime all those things the women are just supposed to magically do.

This is where he needs to walk the walk. What can his job do to facilitate yours?

My secretary has just been seconded to the financing department but I should make better use of document production. I'm just in the habit of doing everything myself. I have a really good junior on this transaction and I am making better use of him. He's really nice as well and doesn't seem to resent me too much.

JapaneseTea I had a total win on that front last night - I convinced dh to tell his work that he couldn't work the days between Christmas and New Year because of his FAMILY OBLIGATIONS. I don't think he's ever done such a thing before!

The graveyard is full of indispensable people - that made me laugh! So true!

LostMyMojoSomewhere Can you tell me why it was better for budgeting purposes if someone went off sick? I'm trying to figure out whether that's actually what the partner wants me to do... He could then claim that it's a real emergency and probably get someone on the deal who doesn't have my current limitations and who wouldn't be asking him to pick up the slack!

I also don't want the client to think I'm crap... Although one of their senior female lawyers has said a couple of times that I should make sure I have enough support internally and checked that I'm not over-doing it.

AnUtterIdiot I got pnd after the birth of my son... A large part of it was just feeling totally lost without my job. I didn't know who I was anymore. And it took me a while to figure out that with babies, even if you do all the research in the world, there isn't always an answer!

I remember as a trainee doing some sums and figuring out that per hour I was earning about the same as I had done in a bar during my gap year once you factored in tax and tips! Ultimately it's a service industry!

Good to hear he is stepping up, but it still sounds like it hasn’t occurred to him that his life needs to change.

It is the difference between one and two (and probably more!) children, we found. One is a hobby, two is a game changer.

So gently push for conversations about who takes time off when they are sick, who will cover the summer holidays, who gets to work at weekend and who takes the children to the park.

Who thinks about the school, the doctors, the children minder, the birthday parties, the dentist, the dinner, the breakfast, clean 7
Uniform.

Guess what? It’ll all be you if you aren’t very careful. I read on here that while on Mat leave son’t Do extra housework / family organising as you won’t lose those jobs once you also return to work.

Ex city lawyer here with two law firm pregnancies/maternity leaves under my belt.
You have to accept that this is an issue and it could harm your health & that of your baby. I have seen too many female colleagues have 35 weekers or 6lb babies for it to be a coincidence.
You also have to accept that you are not indispensible. You are at the ideal stage for a law firm - fairly cheap as you haven't hit partnership level but remarkably competent as you're a senior associate. Therefore, it is convenient for them for you to do as many hours as possible (especially as the more hours you do, the more money they make!). It isn't because you are particularly good or because the client particularly enjoys working with you (although those may be true) it is because it works for your partner and the firm.
Having accepted that, you now have to come up with a plan. Which is what? Going off sick is one option. As you're before 36 weeks, it wouldn't automatically trigger your maternity leave starting. What would the benefits be? Paid leave? A chance to rest? A chance to catch up on non-work stuff? With the latter, I bet that, with a 2yo, pregnancy and full on job, you've done little Christmas prep yet. Sick leave the obviously isn't supposed to be used for that but, if you think of the all nighters, weekends etc you have done for little gain over the years, may be it's time to take advantage of the system and let it work for you. Less stress now may also reduce the chance of you getting PND meaning that you are more likely to be able to go back after 6 months and thus be more use to them long term.
The alternative is to continue as you are but be stricter. Why finish at 6.30? Why not 5.30? Why not tell them that the lead associate on this deal needs to be someone else, someone who can actually lead on it rather than you doing the day shift and someone else doing the evening shift. The client would probably prefer having one dedicated person as it reduces the chances of something being missed in the handover and means they're not paying for the handover in the first place. Offer to do some client bulletins or prepare some training sessions for first thing in the new year instead. This half hearted approach isn't going to give you the detachment you need.

Another ex magic circle lawyer here, working in a very busy transactional group where every deal is cross border and very time sensitive, three maternity leaves and four pregnancies (I resigned in the summer and shortly found out afterwards when I was working my notice that we were expecting number 4).

This: “You also have to accept that you are not indispensible. You are at the ideal stage for a law firm - fairly cheap as you haven't hit partnership level but remarkably competent as you're a senior associate. ” You are a commodity and the business model of law firms works on billable hours. That is the bottom line.

So much of what you and others have written above I could have written myself. Especially the part about your own identity being tied to the job.

You have received lots of good advice here. It sounds glib but it is so true that you have to try and prioritise what is important right now. You don’t need to have the whole game plan for the next ten years mapped out now - but you do need to perhaps be more strict with looking after yourself and conveying this to HR. You need to be able to ‘sign off’ at this point in your pregnancy, you are making yourself ill. In transactional groups where senior associates essentially run deals I would expect partners prefer to have one person committed 24/7 (ie not you!) as opposed to someone coming in and out / handing over periodically. My group was certainly this way - though I don’t necessarily think this has to be the case.

Hi - another city lawyer here working in private practice in a senior transactional role. I’m also expecting baby No.2 - now 31 weeks and working all the hours so I massively symathise. I also get how hard it is when you’re in the thick of a deal to hand over/walk away.

Would it help to think of it as you’ve booked a very expensive holiday of a lifetime to [insert destination here]. You (I) would be damned if I was changing this holiday and other people could bloody well step up for a change. If you have a partner and a decent junior on it the deal is well staffed and the partner can do the senior associate role to get it over the line. The junior can bring a trainee in and all will be well. Honestly nothing bad will happen - this is what partners get paid for after all! Presumably they want you to come back after mat leave so it’s in their interests to be nice to you now!

Hope the advice this thread helps!