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Original poster

Separated from husband, when do I tell him I’m pregnant?

40 replies

Rtmhwales · 27/11/2017 01:28

Okay this might be a bit complex, but I’ve tried researching it and not many people have been in this situation so I’m looking for advice.

I moved to the UK, met my husband immediately and married nine months ago (his choice). I’m from North America. Five months into the marriage I wanted to pull out of a house purchase we were in the middle of that my husband was in love with and it set off a chain of events in which he basically said he didn’t love me anymore, he didn’t know if he’d ever loved me, he didn’t think he was the type to be married and wasn’t sure about kids, that he just wanted to live with his parents again (he had never left their home to live alone before me, nor had a serious relationship). We are both 30. I was absolutely devastated, this was just two weeks ago. Within a couple days he’d moved home to his parents and cancelled our lease on the flat and basically told me to go home, it’s what’s best for me. I was hysterical and devestated but I left. Haven’t heard from him since I left a week ago.

This morning I took a pregnancy test and it’s a very faint positive. Now my question is when do I tell my (newly seperated from) husband about this revelation? I want to hold off for a couple of weeks because of the high rates of miscarrige - I don’t see the point of telling him just to miscarry a week or two later. I’d be afraid he’d think I’m trying to manipulate him with a pregnancy lie to get him to take me back (I’m not).

Should I wait until the first scan? I think that’s 6 or 8 weeks where I live. Or do I wait until after 12 weeks for when the chance of miscarriage is much lower? This is so confusing.

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Rainbowandraindrops67 · 27/11/2017 01:33

Gosh - I would wait. Not because of the high rate of miscarriage but because you need support and stability right now and he can offer you neither and would only upset you.
How long have you been together in total then?
Why did you want to pull out of the house purchase?
I would focus immediately on keeping yourself healthy and getting a good support network in place - family, friends etc

PerspicaciaTick · 27/11/2017 01:47

I would take as long as you need to come to terms with your pregnancy and the end of your marriage, then tell him when you are good and ready.

I hope you have RL support to lean on, your head must be in a whirl Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 27/11/2017 02:00

Are you back in America now?
If you plan to continue the pregnancy I would give yourself to come to terms woth everything but go for earlier rather than later.
Perhaps have the first scan so you have physical proof and telling him then

Original poster
Rtmhwales · 27/11/2017 02:01

We’ve been together 14 months, which seems short but I thought we were very happy together and was blindsided.

I wanted to pull out of the house because our circumstances had changed - I’d accepted a new job right by the flat we lived in and he was facing a potential lay off or transfer, so it seemed like a better idea to me that we wait until all that settled down. He was very upset with me for wanting to pull out but when his parents said that my reasons were right (after he’d already said he wanted a divorce), suddenly he was okay with it and thought the reasons made sense. It’s really sad but he’s said 100% he’s sure he wants a divorce and to be back at home where there’s no stress or major life decisions to be made. And now this.

I’m not hesistant to tell him for any reason except miscarriage rate. I have an excellent support network at home and good job prospects. I’m just flip flopping between the “tell him, he has a right to know he has a child on the way” to “it’s too early to know if it’s even going to stick” to “if I tell him now he will think it’s a ploy”. I’ve never been more confused. I’m praying it sticks.

OP posts:
OldWitch00 · 27/11/2017 02:43

are you planning on staying on the uk? because if he knows about the pregnancy/child he may force you to stay.

Original poster
Rtmhwales · 27/11/2017 03:01

No, I’ve gone back to America already (before I even suspected I was pregnant actually, I just thought I was feeling nauseous and exhausted from stress and shock) though this problem has crossed my mind today. If I don’t go back to the UK, he can’t do much to force the issue. I’m not sure that he would, I’m no longer sure about his thoughts on children as it is.

OP posts:
OldWitch00 · 27/11/2017 03:08

It’s just that 50/50 contact or 3 months a year might be what a court decides.

WhoWants2Know · 27/11/2017 03:13

I don’t see any harm in waiting until you’ve reached 12 weeks when the pregnancy is more secure.

Original poster
Rtmhwales · 27/11/2017 03:13

I guess I’ll cross that bridge when/if it gets to that. I can’t imagine any court taking a newborn from me all the way across the ocean for 3 months at a time, but it’s his child as well.
I’m more concerned when’s the best time to tell him honestly. Do I wait until I see the heart beat? Until it’s out of the danger zone?

OP posts:
Blackcatonthesofa · 27/11/2017 03:16

If there is a heartbeat at 8 weeks tgen there is a 95% chance of a live birth. So that might be a good time.

MakeItStopNeville · 27/11/2017 03:17

Knowing you’re back here in the US, my main concern is do you have insurance?

WhoWants2Know · 27/11/2017 03:18

Blimey, what happens with access, etc. when parents are from 2 separate countries? If you’re already back in America, can a UK court actually compel you to do anything?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 27/11/2017 03:24

You can only be compelled to anything up there was a court order or process in place BEFORE the child was taken abroad by one of the parents.

But I would say that, if you don't want to end trapped in this country, stay where you are and do not come back.

Original poster
Rtmhwales · 27/11/2017 03:33

I’m returning to my old job which comes with insurance so that I’m covered there.

Since my husband sounded absolutely sure he wanted to divorce and left and has had no contact I’d stay here and heed the above advice, but he still has to know at some point in my opinion if the pregnancy continues without issue (morally, and financially he will be responsible since there’s a reciprocal agreement between the two countries for child maintenance).

I’ve read conflicting facts about when the miscarriage rate drops to 5%. Some websites say 8 weeks, others 10 and some even say 12. It’s just so worriesome.

OP posts:
OuaisMaisBon · 27/11/2017 03:41

Leave it till 12 weeks. That way, he won't accuse you of trying to manipulate him back into the relationship, although, to me, it's clear, as you have already returned home, that you yourself have no hope of pursuing this relationship any further. I might have misunderstood you, though. Anyhow, given the strange way he has behaved, I wouldn't hold out much hope of his wanting any contact with his child, nor of it being easy to get him to pay maintenance. But you don't need the hassle of worrying about his reaction whilst you're still in early days of the pregnancy. He sounds a bit Peter Pan-ish to me. I wouldn't expect to rely on him in any way.

Rainbowandraindrops67 · 27/11/2017 03:41

Miscarriage rate drops after you’ve seen a heartbeat on ultrasound

nursy1 · 27/11/2017 03:47

I think you tell him when you are ready. Give yourself time to adjust.
If he wants contact with his child then I think HE will have to travel regularly to the US to establish this. Surely no court anywhere would remove a young child from its Mum for weeks during early life?
He sounds really immature and unable to take responsibility so be prepared that you may be in this alone. [ flowers]

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2017 03:56

he’s said 100% he’s sure he wants a divorce and to be back at home where there’s no stress or major life decisions to be made

What a prince Hmm

I know you dont see it now, but one day you will be grateful that you are no longer with this immature man-child. Frankly I very much doubt he will want anything to do with the child, he sounds the type to say its nothing to do with him. His parents may feel differently though, and I think you should give them the opportunity to visit and keep in touch. They are probably very ashamed of his behaviour and I daresay are not overly thrilled at getting him back.

Original poster
Rtmhwales · 27/11/2017 04:07

If he had called me up at any point until today and said come back, I would have without a moment’s hesitation. I was very happy in the marriage. Unfortunately when the line went pink this morning I knew that those chances were gone (though based on his behavior I didn’t hold out any hope). I never really adjusted to life in the UK - I was far from friends and family and I had taken a massive pay reduction by staying there with him. If this pregnancy is viable though and he actually wanted to work through things, I don’t think I could - I’d be forever waiting for him to leave again and me being stuck in the UK with the child because of the courts. So I guess my potential path to motherhood has really changed overnight.

Until two weeks ago, he had said he’d always wanted children so I suspect if I was there he’d be very involved in co parenting, but with me abroad I can’t see him super involved. His parents however are newly retired and I suspect they’d want some involvement in this, which would be fine. I don’t hate my husband. I’m upset and confused and blindsided, but I don’t hate him. The general consensus is he was playing house and the reality didn’t match the fantasy. I keep telling myself that while he’s (honestly) a good person, he was a bad husband.

I guess once (if) I hear the heartbeat and get the scan picture that’s about the time to break the news to him. Given my rough calculations I think that will be right around Christmas. Not the best present for him, but I’m already half in love with this little thing.

OP posts:
Charolais · 27/11/2017 04:11

Once you go after him financially you could lose out on seeing your child part of the time - maybe all summer.

Do you need the support money that badly?

I’m a Brit living in the US, been here for 45 yrs. I never asked for child support from my ex because I did not want my son being around his father - for very good reason - and the dopey shit thought by not paying child support he was getting away with something and avoided us. Which was a very good thing.

I miscarried many times in the first trimester (during this present marriage). I always had a very faint positive test result and I never had morning sickness with the ones I lost. :(

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2017 04:15

Once you go after him financially you could lose out on seeing your child part of the time - maybe all summer.

Not unless he is prepared to shed thousands in court and pay for travel to and from the US she wont. And even then, it is extremely unlikely that that would happen.

Original poster
Rtmhwales · 27/11/2017 04:17

No, I don’t need the support money at all, thankfully. I’m not sure I’d bother to take it down that road unless he wanted to or took it to Court but it’s early days so I don’t know. So far as I know, the access would be decided here in the States. My sister (quite a bit older) has a DS with her ex and they seperated when he was quite young, she moved across the country for a job, her ex fought the issue and the courts refused to force her to part with her DS overnight until he was 2 years old. So I really can’t imagine them saying he could take the child all summer until the child was of suitable age - and by the time it’s school-aged I think I’d be open minded to him/her getting to know his/her father over summer holidays. Of course that’s the rational mature side who’s never seen or held their own child before speaking.

I’m hoping the lines get darker over the next few days - supposedly that’s a good sign the pregnancy is progressing and not chemical or a potential miscarriage.

OP posts:
Hannabee123 · 27/11/2017 06:10

A faint line is still a positive! Don't keep wasting money on tests mine was awfully faint but here I am 36 weeks and feeling like a moose!
I'm not sure how it works in America but can you get to the doctors and get signed up with a midwife to start your antenatal care + vitamins.
Really hoping everything goes okay you sound better off without him!

Reppin · 27/11/2017 06:15

If it were me, I would tell him as late as possible, possibly even after I had the baby. I would also not expect anything from him ever, he has shown you who he is, believe him.

yowerohotesies · 27/11/2017 07:24

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Make sure you are taking plenty of folic acid (and forgive me for mentioning this as nothing in what you have posted would suggest this is relevant but I didn't know that women with a higher bmi need to take a stronger dose of folic acid than the standard prescription.

Your focus in the posts above seem to be focusing on established whether the pregnancy is viable before telling this deadbeat dad about it. To throw another issue into the mix, I would further suggest that it would be best to wait until you are far-enough along the pregnancy that he doesn't even attempt to mention the idea of abortion. The cutoff for that in the UK is 24 weeks - I guess it depends on which state you are in within the USA (most states have a limit between 22 and 28 weeks but there are 10 jurisdictions with no limit) but I would say after 24 weeks at least.