Separated from husband, when do I tell him I’m pregnant?

[Rtmhwales]

Okay this might be a bit complex, but I’ve tried researching it and not many people have been in this situation so I’m looking for advice.

I moved to the UK, met my husband immediately and married nine months ago (his choice). I’m from North America. Five months into the marriage I wanted to pull out of a house purchase we were in the middle of that my husband was in love with and it set off a chain of events in which he basically said he didn’t love me anymore, he didn’t know if he’d ever loved me, he didn’t think he was the type to be married and wasn’t sure about kids, that he just wanted to live with his parents again (he had never left their home to live alone before me, nor had a serious relationship). We are both 30. I was absolutely devastated, this was just two weeks ago. Within a couple days he’d moved home to his parents and cancelled our lease on the flat and basically told me to go home, it’s what’s best for me. I was hysterical and devestated but I left. Haven’t heard from him since I left a week ago.

This morning I took a pregnancy test and it’s a very faint positive. Now my question is when do I tell my (newly seperated from) husband about this revelation? I want to hold off for a couple of weeks because of the high rates of miscarrige - I don’t see the point of telling him just to miscarry a week or two later. I’d be afraid he’d think I’m trying to manipulate him with a pregnancy lie to get him to take me back (I’m not).

Should I wait until the first scan? I think that’s 6 or 8 weeks where I live. Or do I wait until after 12 weeks for when the chance of miscarriage is much lower? This is so confusing.

Thanks for any advice.

Op, you have been incredibly brave and I am so sorry he treated you so badly. Congrats on the baby! I would wait a couple of months to tell him to be honest.

I am concerned he would pressure you to have an abortion and you don't need that stress. He gave up his rights when he kicked you out of your home and told you he didn't love you anymore. How callous!

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. If I was his mother I'd have refused to have him back! He sounds pretty pathetic.

I don't think you need to put pressure on yourself to decide when to tell him right now. Sounds like you've decided to wait until at least the first ultrasound so maybe have that and see how you feel? If you decide at that point to wait a bit longer then fine.

My gut instinct is to wait until after the 12 week point just to give yourself a bit of headspace without having to deal with him (I know you say he's a good person but he sounds like a dick) but you have to do what feels right for you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it all works out well for you.

Your husband sounds like a selfish arsehole. Sorry but he does. It's not right that he's done that to you at all.

So now is the time for you to be 'selfish'. You tell him whenever you are ready to, mentally and physically. Personally, I would wait until I've had my first medical scan as I would feel less stressed at that point but you might feel ready to tell him at a different point and, really, because of his he's behaved I think what you say goes.

I would tell him after I had received legal advice... This cross-border stuff isn't always clear cut and I wouldn't tell him until I knew where I stood legally and exactly what rights he would be able to claim.

But then, I'm a lawyer and a very risk-averse person who would happily go into the morally grey land of not telling him at all if I thought it would protect me and my child.

Tbh I’d definitely wait until after 12 weeks no matter what.

I would never normally say this, but are you sure you want to tell him? The only reason I say this now is that if he struggles with essentially being an adult then I would worry about him suddenly deciding when your child is older that he wants to walk away. That’s a lot for a kid to cope with.

But only you know him well enough to make that decision.

I'm sure someone is going to tell me that I've got no morals, or something similar. But I too would wonder about whether to tell him or not. If I had the opportunity to go back in time to when I was pregnant with my DS and to be able to leave without ever telling his deadbeat dad, I would do it 100%. Life would be infinitely better without him around.

Of course, when the baby is grown up, there could be some very difficult conversations and you could end up being seen very negatively by your child for never giving them the chance to know their dad. That could be really damaging.

I did briefly consider not telling him, but I worry about eventually needing his family history (say for a medical concern), or them finding out via social media or something. Plus I’m not sure how one gets divorced and if I need to legally declare any dependent children that came from it.

I’m not worried about him asking for an abortion because I wouldn’t have one. Of the two of us, I have the stronger convinctions I suppose and feel that I could just easily say “you don’t ask for a baby, tough, I didn’t ask for a divorce” or something along those lines.

His parents are absolutely wonderful people - his mum had hoped he’d change his mind because she didn’t necessarily want him back, she wanted him out making his own family (the natural progression) but for all I know, they’ve just heard that he’s scared and unhappy and they’re more than willing to enable this behavior. I’ve debated just telling them if the pregnancy progresses and letting them be the ones to decide what to tell their son.

I did ring up a friend of a friend who is a divorce lawyer here and they did confirm that the only real kind of access he’d be granted during the first five years or so would likely be if he wanted to fly over for a week or two at a time and spend day visits with the child. I cannot be compelled to return to the UK. I think at this stage I would leave the father’s name off the birth certificate so I could apply for a child’s passport without his permission, but I’m getring way ahead of myself. The line on this morning’s test was a bit darker, but I am insanely paranoid it won’t last.

Sorry OP, what a difficult situation to be in. You seem very kind though and I'm wondering if you need to be as considerate towards him as you are? That is, you seem to be considering his feelings more than your own by not wanting to tell him if you then go on to miscarry. Of course there's a chance that you might miscarry, but it's more likely that you won't. I don't think you need to do anything to protect his feelings, if you don't also believe it's best for you.

So sorry to hear about your situation but it sounds like you are handling a very difficult situation thoughtfully and with a clear head. Congratulations on the pregnancy.
To answer your question about when the miscarriage rate drops - it is true that it drops significantly once you see a heartbeat at a scan. However, according to my midwife, the reason to wait until 12 weeks is that is the point the placenta is fully formed and takes over the job of supporting the foetus. Up until then you are growing both the baby and the 'scaffolding' to support it and there is simply more potential for complications.

Also, I am glad that you are not considering not telling him, especially as you believe him to be a good
person, just immature.

A friend of mine found out he was a Dad to a 15 year old at the age of 38. The mum said she didn't want to tell him at the time and would let the daughter decide about contact when she was old enough. It was a huge shock to him (obviously) but he is a fantastic and involved father to her now. However they are both sad that they never got the chance to get to know each other whilst she was growing up.

One thing to keep in mind - you have mentioned he wants children. Be aware of the fact that there is a risk he may say he has had a change of heart in order to get you back into the uk to assist him from a custody point of view. He may not and if he does suggest a reconciliation this may not be the motivation behind it. Either way you need to ensure you protect yourself and do what is best for you.

If it were me I would tell him now. Whether you like him or not he is the father of your child and I personally feel he has a right to know and co-parent.

@moomoo85 it’s impossible to know this early if it’s not just going to end in a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage so I don’t see the point in stressing either of us out until I’m sure it’s viable.

I’d tell him once I’d had the scan but no way would I return to the U.K. if he does want to get together I’d have him move to the US. Good luck and I hope things work out.

I would wait until 12 weeks or longer.

I had a scan at 9 weeks with heartbeat and mc.

You sound like such a lovely, mature and accepting person @rtmhwales I feel quite cross with this man for you as you're so nice about him! He sounds quite immature to be honest but i also appreciate that you can never fully judge people's relationship on the small snapshot these forums give.

I'm divided on this.

Yes, you're right. MC rates are high in early pregnancy. But with 2in3 pregnancies continuing, it still statistically means you're more likely to keep this baby than lose it and i'm honestly thinking with the US maternity leave being quite stingy and no extra support....you're going to need to have that financial help from him and he absolutely owes it to you. so the sooner you can get something legally in place, the better. However I can also accept the advice of a few ladies that you need to find the time for YOU right now to recover and get your head straight.

Also ethically I suppose however much of a rat fink this bloke is it is also half his baby. It might be what he needs to pull his head out of his arse and start accepting he has a wonderful woman who loves him and who is worth taking risks for now she's carrying his child.

I think if you can see a heartbeat by 7/8 weeks the risk does decrease (that's usually when chromosomal issues will expel the fetus) but it only drastically plummets to the late 90 percentages when you hit 12 weeks. That's the 98% 'out of danger' zone if that make sense. It's much rarer to miscarry at 8 weeks + but it's also not totally unheard of for various reasons like Natural Killer Cells, Missed Miscarriage, Molar Pregnancy etc.

What do you want to do? Do you have a gut instinct on this one?