What to do about the in laws when baby is born..

[user1494352411]

I feel like I'm in a massively difficult situation when it comes to my in laws and have no idea what to do, so any advice would be appreciated. My husband is Spanish and his parents still live in Spain. This is their first grandchild and they are understandably are very excited. My dilemma is that whenever they come to visit, they always stay with us, sometimes for up to a month at a time. I understand why that is necessary but it's something I do find very difficult. I would never EVER stop them but I'm an incredibly private person and I find it so hard not having my own space. It's a hard situation for me to be in at the best of times let alone when I've just given birth. They are lovely people but don't speak English and I speak very little Spanish (although I do understand most of it). I really have no idea what the solution is. When I come home I would really like to spend the first couple of weeks with just my husband, our daughter and I, so we have chance to bond as a family of three. I'm also going to be trying to breastfeed which I understand can be quite difficult to establish so I can imagine I may feel quite stressed. Plus I'm very shy and don't really fancy having my father in law hanging round while I'm trying to get used to it! On the other hand I totally understand that my parents will be able to visit and see the baby fairly soon after she's born (granted they wouldn't be staying with us 24/7 as PIL would have to). Is it fair that I ask my husbands parents to give us a week or two to ourselves before they move in for god knows how long?? Do you think I could possibly limit the amount of time they do stay this time? Does anybody have ideas that would keep everybody happy? I'm literally desperate. I can't even talk to my husband about it as I'm sure it will end up with us arguing and I really don't want that. I also don't want him or his parents to feel that they aren't welcome, but equally I feel like I'm going to need some alone time at the beginning. I've thought about suggesting they stay somewhere else this time and just visit us as and when but I know that won't go down well :(. Any input I would be grateful xx

My family's culture would expect to our family up too so I totally sympathise, I stressed a lot about my parents' expectations but luckily they booked themselves a hotel. (And booked it for two weeks from my due date - I was so late in the end, my dad missed seeing my baby completely and my mum got about 3h in total with him.)

The weeks after you give birth can be so wonderful but so exhausting and difficult too - this is one of the few times in life that you are allowed to be as demanding and "unreasonable" as you like! (My husband put up with a lot with me during pregnancy and post-natally - 3 months on, he is only just starting to fight back 😉.) Can you point out to your husband the incessant overnight crying from the newborn with surprisingly giant lungs that is expected to wake everyone up, plus the fact that you will have your breasts out all around the house all day every day, and that you will both be exhausted and irritable from the lack of sleep, so rather than trying to be polite, wouldn't your PIL would be more comfortable in a hotel?

Or that it would be more thoughtful and respectful for your PIL to stay in a hotel.

And it's your husband's job to help keep you as stress-free as possible to keep your oxytocin levels up, which is of course necessary to establish labour and establish breastfeeding. You can make the argument to him that both could be more difficult if you are stressed and worried about the thought of having PIL around - this is the biochemical/physiological reason why you can be as demanding as you like during pregnancy and post-natally. 😉

Do you know what I'd do, if they and DH insist on staying with you? Smile, introduce baby, tell them to have a lovely stay and then take baby and move in with your parents until they go home.

I'm not even joking. I had to move in with my parents for 2 weeks with my newborn because we were having building work done that DH stayed to oversee. I was sad at first, thinking it would damage DD's bonding with her dad and we couldn't settle into life at home as a family. All nonsense. It was the best thing I could have done. I came back to a remodelled house refreshed, happy and much more confident as a mother, having had expert supervision from my DM while establishing BF and learning the basics.

It obviously depends on your relationship with your DM, but I'd recommend it! Stay away from all extra sources of stress by whatever means you can, for the first few weeks at least.

There's so many comments now I can't reply to all individually but I've read them all and am so grateful for everybody's input. I feel better knowing that others are in the same situation and I'm not being TOO unreasonable for feeling like this. I did say to my Mam about moving back home if they came but she said it would cause too much offence. I just know I won't be able to cope very well having four adults in a modest semi detached at such a stressful time. I just want time to get used to everything and bond as a family of three. I know I'll never get that time back and I'm even more sure now after reading other people's experiences. I just need to be more assertive and put my point of view across. I've spent so much time worrying about everybody else's feelings but realistically I don't think they have really considered mine. I will definitely mention how the stress will affect establishing the breastfeeding. I am also worried that if I'm not relaxed it will affect the baby somehow. I'll bring up all these points and hope my husband considers them. I do understand he's in a difficult position though. If my parents lived in a different country I would want them to come as soon as possible, but I KNOW that they wouldn't expect to stay and would rent an apartment or something. Thank you so much for everyone's comments they have been really helpful xx

Offence be damned. If they are inconsiderate enough to ignore your wishes then you owe them precisely nothing.

But if they do end up descending on you, for god's sake make sure DH does all the hosting. Don't lift a finger for them.

My mum and stepdad live in the U.S. Usually when they come to visit, they stay with us. But after baby is born, absolutely not. With our first, I told them we'd let them know obviously when she was born and they could book their travel then for no sooner than a month after she was born. As it was, it was 6 weeks later. They booked a holiday cottage for themselves in the same village, so they were about a minute's walk away, but not staying with us. And it was only for a week, no more.

I know it's a different culture, but that's absolutely what I would do. I would ask them to either wait several weeks to a month or perhaps consider only coming for a weekend, and either way staying separately. Get them a place if they can't afford it themselves. It is worth the expense. Flights from Spain are cheap and easy to book even on short notice. Wait and see how things are going and then decide when you're ready for visitors.

But do not have them stay with you and do not let them be around more than a week or so. You never get that time back and you have no idea what shape you'll be in. My daughter had all sorts of feeding issues and was under hospital care until she was 28 days old. We had appts like every other day and it was really stressful. On top of that, I got mastitis and was feverish and sick and literally delusional the infection was so bad. The last thing I needed was hosting houseguests when I was passing out if I tried to stand up from the fever. When my family was here, they came for the day, after 9am ish and went home most days before dinner time, which meant we had mornings and evenings alone and we didn't feel like we were waking them up during the night.

You may need to be quite bullish about it though and I know that's hard.

House guests with a newborn is a stress on everyone - them for broken nights, and you for worrying about keeping them awake. I'd find a nice local B & B for them to stay overnight in, then see you in the day and no more than a week to start with. It's hard enough being a new mum and getting over a birth without having house guests no matter how helpful they are.