What to do about the in laws when baby is born..

[user1494352411]

I feel like I'm in a massively difficult situation when it comes to my in laws and have no idea what to do, so any advice would be appreciated. My husband is Spanish and his parents still live in Spain. This is their first grandchild and they are understandably are very excited. My dilemma is that whenever they come to visit, they always stay with us, sometimes for up to a month at a time. I understand why that is necessary but it's something I do find very difficult. I would never EVER stop them but I'm an incredibly private person and I find it so hard not having my own space. It's a hard situation for me to be in at the best of times let alone when I've just given birth. They are lovely people but don't speak English and I speak very little Spanish (although I do understand most of it). I really have no idea what the solution is. When I come home I would really like to spend the first couple of weeks with just my husband, our daughter and I, so we have chance to bond as a family of three. I'm also going to be trying to breastfeed which I understand can be quite difficult to establish so I can imagine I may feel quite stressed. Plus I'm very shy and don't really fancy having my father in law hanging round while I'm trying to get used to it! On the other hand I totally understand that my parents will be able to visit and see the baby fairly soon after she's born (granted they wouldn't be staying with us 24/7 as PIL would have to). Is it fair that I ask my husbands parents to give us a week or two to ourselves before they move in for god knows how long?? Do you think I could possibly limit the amount of time they do stay this time? Does anybody have ideas that would keep everybody happy? I'm literally desperate. I can't even talk to my husband about it as I'm sure it will end up with us arguing and I really don't want that. I also don't want him or his parents to feel that they aren't welcome, but equally I feel like I'm going to need some alone time at the beginning. I've thought about suggesting they stay somewhere else this time and just visit us as and when but I know that won't go down well :(. Any input I would be grateful xx

a month? its a couple of hours on a plane.

Quite frankly id move into an airbnb if they deposited themselves in my home for a month.

You need to put your foot down. This is your new baby not theirs. Yes they are they grandparents, so invite them once you have settled in to feeding and as a family. This is your special time, and if your partner cannot respect that then I would seriously question the relationship. Once you have kids they become your priority over your parents.

AnotherEmma I know I need to be more assertive he just doesn't understand really. He tells me that I married a Spanish man so that's how it is, but equally he married me and I'm British so he should be mindful of how I feel too and what I'm used to. I do understand that it's difficult for him and I would probably be upset too if I thought he didn't want my parents to stay. He did say last time in the end that maybe I was right and a month was a little too much.

Thank you so much to everyone for your input I'm really very grateful! Alwaysbusymum I totally understand their culture and respect it and I'm sure that my parents would be willing but they have no room as both my brothers are still at home plus my grandmother lives with them too as she has Alzheimer's.

Mctat I agree I'm also reluctant to specify a time limit because I don't know how I feel. To be fair my husband said that he won't book their flights until at least after the baby is born when originally he wanted them to come before the due date!

Ttbb and niki, one option is that we have a few Spanish friends living nearby who may be willing...

Darthmaiden thank you so much, everything you said is EXACTLY how I feel and what I worry about. I feel like a guest in my own house when they're there, because I feel constantly uncomfortable and unable to relax or do what I want to do. Under normal circumstances I just put up with feeling that way but I really can't imagine it with a newborn.

Daisyland, it's great to actually hear things from the point of view of somebody who's also Spanish! I hope you manage to work it out with your parents to a point where you're both happy. I love my parents also but couldn't imagine having them living with me 24/7 after I've just given birth!

Thank you everyone again I really appreciate all your opinions! Sorry I'm struggling to reply to everyone

TBH i realy don't care what is "usual" in somebodys culture. If it does not suit me, it does not suit me.
Cultural background may make me more understanding aout somebodys behaviour or expectatiosn, but that does not mean that I follow the "cultural rules" of somebody else if they are not what I want.
Sounds harsh, I know, but really, why does somebodys culture get's to rule over my life?
And yes, I'm married with kids to a man from a differnet culture whose family thinks we do stuff in a weird way.
Spain is really just a few hours travel awa, so there is NO reason whatsoever to stay for more than a few days or week. And they can totally stay at an AirBnB or somesuch, no need to stay at your house.
But from what you write, I suppose your 'problem' is your husband ;-)
Tell him what you want, get him to manage the PILs.

My parents live in Spain. Not Spanish tho. Since DD was born they visit every couple of months for 2ish weeks. Stay with us. It's great cause they get to spend time with DD and gives me a bit of a break. But I'm so so glad when they go home.

No2 is due in Dec and they have booked to come over to stay a week before my due date. They wanted to come much earlier but I put my foot down and said no way.

It will be handy as we will have childcare for DD when I go into labour but I'm undecided how I will feel about having then in the house from the start. If I'm honest I'm hoping I give birth a couple of weeks early.

Last time with DD they came after a week. I refused to let them book flights until she was born. I was adamant that I wanted time alone with DH to adjust and learn to breastfeed. Pil didn't visit until 5 weeks. They also live in another country. This was great as I was much more confident to breastfeed by then.

It's a difficult dilemma and feelings can get hurt. Would they be able to stay with your parents and just visit you? A lot depends on how intrusive they will be. If they help to clean and cook and most importantly don't offer any unwanted opinions or advice you might cope with them staying with you. If they will get in the way and cause more work for you or DH then they need to stay elsewhere.

Both my parent and pil stayed in a hotel which we paid for. It was worth it!!!
But we had the excuse of a 1 bed flat. And a crying baby that was awake all night. Think in the end they were glad to be able to just visit and sleep in a hotel in peace and quiet.

"He did say last time in the end that maybe I was right and a month was a little too much."

He said that maybe you were right and a month was a little too much?! Well that was big of him

I hope he'll have a bit more respect for you and your needs when he's seen you give birth to his child!

This happened to my friend whose in laws were from a different country. She found them a really cheap air b&b round the corner from our house in London zone 3 - I think maybe she went halves with them on the cost.

A month visit at a time, staying with you 24/7 , is NOT understandable. They're coming from Spain, not across an ocean.

Tell your DH to find his backbone and tell his parents, calmly, that such long visits aren't reasonable unless they will be staying elsewhere. And certainly not immediately after you've just given birth.

Stand your ground. YOU are the parent, and you need to stand up for your family.

It baffles me how selfish and ignorant of the needs and feelings of others that some people can be.

Who would think, even for a second, that it would be OK to insist on staying with someone who has just had a baby? It wouldn't occur to me even to ask.

OP I really feel for you! My husband is French so therefore have French in laws. I can barely survive a week let alone a month!!! Like you I like my privacy and my way of doing things which my MIL just doesn’t understand. You just have to be firm, especially when you have a new born. Luckily my DH has already told his parents they cannot stay with us for the first three months and even then it will just be a weekend. Good luck x

It can be incredibly difficult having people in your space after having a new baby. I'm a very private person too and find guests difficult at the best of times.
After I had my baby, my in laws stayed in a hotel nearby for a fortnight, but were still with us what seemed like all day every day. We hosted Christmas for them a week after I gave birth, which was only a few days after I got home from hospital. With hindsight, it was ridiculous and I still very much resent that time and probably always will!
Do only what you are comfortable with. I wish I'd been stricter. Spain isn't exactly long distance, they could come for a weekend and stay in a hotel once you've had a couple of weeks to yourselves, then come back again the following month and do the same. Good luck op, I feel for you

House guests and a newborn...this is our madness!

Just —get your DH to— say no

OP this is my nightmare. We are saying parents and local siblings can come to the hospital but then no visitors for 2 weeks.

I wouldn’t be having anyone to stay for a length of time it’s totally unreasonable. Tradition or not.

If they want to come down they should stay in a hotel in these circumstances.

I am in a similar situation but I am lucky enough that my PIL will not stay for one month! They want to come for 1 week... And already it seems too much for me... At the beginning my husband couldn't understand why they couldn't come for Christmas (I am due end of November) or earlier. He had to hear it from someone else (if your husband reads some of the posts here, he may change his mind). If at the end you have a c-section you will need the time to recover, you don't need anyone around to check on the baby, and it doesn't seem like your PIL are going to be the best help. Does your husband realise the amount of work you will both have with a newborn? Who is going to take care of 4 adults when you are all in the same house?

Why don't you suggest them that they come for one week during Christmas holidays, as long as this is one month after you have given birth so you have fully recovered and you are more confident with breastfeeding? Instead of one long visit, they could have 1 week visits but a bit more often.

I had to insist with my husband, I told him I don't want anyone staying with us the first month. He got fully convinced when he heard about the difficulties of having a newborn during our nct course... men!

OP, I feel your pain. I am in a very similar situation.

Except I have 3 sets of people! DM, in laws, DF & his GF, all wanting to come stay in the first few weeks - and from a much further destination.

As much as I appreciate their enthusiasm to meet our LO, the idea of having a constant stream of people in our home in the first weeks of our babies life is incredibly stressful to me.

I don't have a solution really, although I agree with previous posters that you should direct them to the nearest Air B&B. (Only my DM is going to be staying at the house with us) I just wanted to say I can relate and I hope you figure out a solution that works for you and your family.

OP - I very rarely suggest this, but maybe it’s a good idea to show your DH this thread.

First time fathers massively underestimate how difficult the birth and first month of parenthood is on their partner.

They rarely make the same mistake a second time...

The thing about having parents round so early SHOULD be about supporting you - the mother.

It’s not about placating the feelings of anyone else.

When DS was born I did want my mother around to help ME. What I didn’t want was everyone else to join the party to cuddle (steal time and interfere) with my newborn and tell me what to do.

I’m lucky - my DP’s/PIL’s were great. Short visits - brought food, made tea, cleaned up, never overstayed their welcome and left me and them with lovely memories of those first weeks.

Having either of them full time - and they are lovely and very helpful - would still have been very difficult and made my first weeks of motherhood far more difficult and erased the lovely memories I have.

OP I feel for you. When I had DS1 my mum was so helpful, would visit for an hour or two tidy house, make sure I had time for a shower and the have a cwtch when DS1 was awake, however ex-mil would turn up disturb DS1 if he was sleeping for a cwtch and then be expected to be waited on hand and foot!!!! Cups of tea etc. I'd was draining, I was exhausted at the time, and exH was never around, didn't bother to take his full paternity leave. It's so bloody hard, most mums want and need their mum around to help after they've had a baby. Okay just my opinion, don't want to offend anyone

Sorry it was draining, however I didn't add that ex-fil did make some food and help out (poor down-trodden bloke 😥)

I thought /stressed about M/FIL visits too much! When the baby comes, the visits will be nice but I told everyone they needed to get hotels. You're baby will be waking up /crying alot so the last thing you want is to worry about others in the back of your head! I'm sure if you explain to your hubby then they will understand too. They gotta respect you as a new mum x

We have this as well in the culture I married into but it doesn't bother me. In fact I like it. Its really nice. But then we are set up for extended family living even in the long term, not just short term like this, so it probably makes a difference.

OP, what if the situation was reversed and this was your parents? What would you do?

Sorry, just to add - after childbirth we would expect people to be around for 40 days.

Insist they wait 2-3 weeks after the birth and don't let them stay for more than a week or two - preferably at a hotel.

My extended family came to visit 3 weeks after DC was born and I was still struggling to change out of nightgowns before midday, having had a c-section and fully breastfeeding. Luckily we had a tiny flat at the time so they had no choice but to stay at a hotel.

Also make it clear to DH and PIL that their job is to help you, not to be catered to. You will not be making anyone meals or cups of tea, you will not be doing any chores around the house, your schedule will be dictated by the baby's feeding/sleeping and not theirs, etc. Also go into detail (the more graphic the better) on how you will be bleeding for weeks and need to be topless to air out your nipples while BF...hopefully that will keep them away.

A month?! They come from Spain, not New Zealand. Many people pop over to Spain for a weeks holiday-there is really no need here to stay for a month in someone else's home-I think that is very selfish.

People really need to get over what's traditional or cultural or whatever in these situations. If it doesn't suit someone, there needs to be compromise. Especially when a baby has just been born and the mother is the one unhappy.

I would be telling my husband under no uncertain terms, they are not to stay with us. They can come over and do a short term rental, air bnb, hotel, whatever they want, and they can visit the baby like everyone else. An hour here and there.

A month in your house where you will get no peace from them is so excessive and unnecessary.